Dear Readers,
This is a “HOT MESS” collection of some recent and some not-so-recent ‘normal’ comments and ‘vomit comments’ and some other weird shit that spills from my mind from time to time.
I’m Sorry. Continue reading
Jury Duty, Texas Style: A Re-Post
On the appointed day I dutifully showed up at the Hunt County Courthouse (in a borrowed car) along with about one hundred twenty thusly cursed potential selectees. They assembled us into a large room and passed out the questionnaires. It was quite noisy and seemed disorganized. I don’t recall any of the questions, save one:
“What is your religious affiliation”?
That was easy: I scribbled ‘atheist’, which was an honest answer and one certain, I surmised to exempt me, as Hunt County probably has more churches per capita than most counties in Texas.” Brilliant!
Imagine my disbelief (no pun), when I was selected. Continue reading
Part Five of a Sailor’s Scholarly Series on U.S. Naval History in The South Pacific: ‘The Beautiful Girl With The Red Balloon’
Magsaysay was a little more frenetic than usual for a hot, humid sunny day.
Or maybe it was my imagination.
“Matt,” I remarked as we sauntered down the street heading for Viva Young, “Seem a little busy today?”
“It’s a Filipino holiday,” he said.
“No shit? What’s the occasion?”
“Magellan Day.”
“I thought the Filipinos despised him.”
“They do. This holiday commemorates that poison arrow they planted in his ass back in Fifteen Twenty-One.”
Continue reading
A Respectful Tribute to Our Lil’ Man Kim: Who Put The Yin & The Yang into ‘No Complain…’
Pyongyang!
Dear Mister Kim
I’m at it again
Love you to pieces
You sack of raw feces Continue reading
Tattoo (or ‘This is awkward,’ or ‘Open for Suggestion’)
It has been ‘awkward’ (to say the very least) to face you of late.
(After my ‘email shot-gunning’ you, off-the-chain escapade of recent shameful regret, but… I did it and today found the courage to read all of what I did send and happily discovered, most were not of the obnoxious caliber of my historical wont. Thank God and Baby Hey Zeus!)
I wish I had an excuse.
Continue reading
More Dispatches From The Front Lines Of My Facebook Flame Wars
I once knew a Theist named Kent
He told me his Joy Heaven Sent
But his mind slipped a gear
His faith fled in fear
So I gave up on Kent for Lent Continue reading
“Never Run Tell That!” Unless of course… “You can take the hot lead enema.”–Lenny Bruce
My British Girlfriend is a poker-player.
A real good poker-player.
A really very good poker player.
I am NOT a really very good poker-player
Continue reading
Part Four of a Sailor’s Scholarly Series on U.S. Naval History in The South Pacific: PAIN
Let’s Review:
Matt, Rogers, and I were in Viva Young, Olongapo City. I had been struck by The Thunderbolt. Rog was buying the beer for the next ten years. Matt was drawing a charcoal portrait on a cocktail napkin of a sweet, young lovely Filipina with a glass eye. Mama-San was not happy.
SNAFU (‘Situation Normal: All Fucked Up’)
Primary Problem was my ‘Thunderbolt Smitten Status’ Continue reading
Part Three of a Sailor’s Scholarly Series on U.S. Naval History in The South Pacific
I just had to have some chat with her.
And By God, I would.
Or die.
I became useless for the rest of the evening.
Continue reading
Part Two of a Sailor’s Scholarly Series on U.S. Naval History in The South Pacific
When last we left our Boys they had arrived at Viva Young not unlike victorious Roman Legionaries returning from Gaul—The Conquering Heroes—welcomed with gleeful squeals of joy and happiness by the Girls. Continue reading
Part One of a Sailor’s Scholarly Series on U.S. Naval History in The South Pacific
Dateline: 1989 Subic Bay Naval Base / Olongapo City, Philippines 1600hrs
“Knock Off Ship’s Work! Liberty Call! Liberty Call!” reverberated from the 1MC onboard the USS Frederick, LST 1184.
Simultaneously about a hundred sailors went into Fred Flintstone Mode:
“Yabba Dabba Dooo!!” Continue reading
“Letter From a South Park Jail” Part Four: “Homeward Bound”
It was a long and winding road which led me to South Park home base. As I was trudging along, sweating my ass off, I kept reminding myself of the New Yorker’s directions given to someone looking to get to Texas from NYC:
“Head west until you smell shit. That’s Oklahoma. Go south until you step in it. That’s Texas.” Continue reading
“Letter From a South Park Jail” Part Three: “The Boardwalk”
The Briefing was Brief:
“This here’s the van gonna take you. Leaves at zero five hunnert, an’ it’ll leave without ch’all, so doan wander off.” Continue reading
“Letter From a South Park Jail” Part Two
“If You Do Not Make Muster and Sign In You Will Not Be Paid. And Furthermore: Not Making Muster Will Result In Disciplinary Action Up To And Including Termination (And An Ass Rendering Administered By Conan Our Resident Barbarian) Thank You for Complying and have a nice day…yada yada yada.”
South Park HQ Continue reading
Being The Sad Story and Lamentable Fate of the Good and Gracious Mister Peabody: A Turkey
Mrs. Benbow had a pet Tom Turkey, named ‘Mr. Peabody.’ This bird hated little boys. And he was passionate about it. Continue reading
“Letter From a South Park Jail” Part One (Apology to MLK for appropriating a great title)
I need to be ‘institutionalized’ somewhere far far away. A place where life is tenuous at worst and exciting at best and the pay is good and booze is scarce and the women are… well, usually not to be found, except on the Internet Continue reading
Diego Garcia, or some could say “McHale’s Navy”
Diego Garcia? Huh? Never heard of it.”
Lots of folks have not: Don’t despair. I spent thirty glorious days there back in ’86. Continue reading
Escape Velocity: “A Consummation Devoutly to be Wished”
Now that is a good term from the Cold War, i.e., ‘Le Space Race.’
However, it still rings true today; rings true as something, almost… unattainable, yet so very much coveted.
“Escape Velocity”
Continue reading
Wal*Mart: The End of Western Civilization (And Bane of Vegetarians)
In the late Nineties my small Texas university town was ‘blessed’ with a brand new Super Wal*Mart. I don’t really like Wal*Mart, but the grand opening was a
“Big Hairy Deal” Continue reading
“I Got Dem Ol’ Time Turtle Blues Again Mama!” (Apologies to Janis Joplin)
My mother was probably
“The Original Hippy Chick.”
When Haight-Asbury was in full bloom, she would not shut up about it until we went there.
I knew a little of the ‘Hippy Culture’ back then, yet had no desire to experience it ‘up close an’ personal.’ Mom did.
Continue reading
“The Biker, Bouncer, Bartender, Big-Boned Gal From Milwaukee” or “Bloody Mary Mourning–Baby Left Me Without Warning”
SHE led me to a car and we all piled in. I say ‘we all’ simply because suddenly there were three of us. Me, HER, and a miniscule blonde. I’d seen this movie before, but this time it came with a twist, I guess. I have to guess. The rest of the evening (early morning?) lies deeply submerged somewhere in the nether regions of my addled fuzzy-muddled-memory. Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife: “Denouement” or “You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams”
Alternate Title: “Fairy-Tales can come true; it can happen to you if you’re young at heart… and stupid and credulous and careless and think you’re bulletproof.”
But be forewarned: They are fleeting, ephemeral, transitory.
“You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams, if you’re young at heart.”
I’m callin’ ‘Bullshit’ on that statement.
Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife: “This is (NOT) The End” or “I Heard You Been Layin’ My Old Lady”
The three Harleys were gaining on me as I sped southbound down Interstate Five. It was still dark and the traffic was light. I floored the pedal on the Toranado, but I knew they would eventually catch up to me. Continue reading
“Look like th’innocent flower, But be the serpent under’t” or “Come you spirits, That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here.”
“Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?”
–Lady Macbeth Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part XIII: “La Jolla: Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous” or “My Beautiful Fair Mystery Lady Wrapped in an Enigma”
From the very moment we set foot inside the condo, a change, although quite a subtle one, had come over Shonnie. Difficult to describe, but I’ll try. I more sensed rather than ’witnessed’ it. Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part XII: “Back to the Real World”
I discovered Shonnie face down on the bed, hair a mess, legs splayed out all akimbo, a forsaken cigarette burning in the ashtray.
Somehow I saw myself in that cigarette.
I sat down beside her.
“You awake?” I whispered, gently pulling some strands of hair from her cheek.
“Owwwie… Is that you Honey?”
Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part XI: “Un-Graceful Exit”
After an hour or so of waiting (Three Jim Beams and a half-dozen Marlboros, for those of you who measure time based upon consumption of such items), I decided to go looking for Shonnie. The walk to the El Cortez was not long geographically, but too long emotionally. Continue reading
“I dreamt a dream tonight” Of Queen Mab, or “Whatever Your Will, Will”
“Peace, Good Mercutio. Peace. Thou talks of nothing. Thou talkst of nothing.”
“True. True. I talk of dreams, which are the children of an idle brain. Begot of nothing but vain fantasy, which is as thin of substance as the air and more inconstant than the wind who woes even now the frozen bosom of the north and being angered puffs away from thence, turning his side to the dew-dropping south.” Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part X: “Money For Nothin’ And That Chick Ain’t Free”
I sat down at the bar, lit a cigarette and ordered a gin and tonic while watching Shonnie. She placed a two-dollar bet then defiantly tossed her hair back. I cannot prove this, but she must have sensed my stare and was showing out for my benefit. Continue reading
“I Bought a Box of Tampons Today” or “How to Release Your ‘Inner-Macho’ in One Simple Step” (Pay Attention Boys; This One May Save Your Next Planned Fishin’ Trip)
Specifically, Tampax Pearl… “In the Blue & Green Box.”
That’s what SHE required.
This was to be my quest, my only mission quest: to find those and only those specific tampons:
My Search for the Holy Grail of Feminine Hygiene Products
Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part IX: “Counting Down the Deck” or “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways”
Very gently, I woke her.
“Ahhh, what time is it?” She said while yawning and reaching for the ceiling, stretching her slightly freckled arms, splaying her fingers, undulating her hips and moving her head round and round as if she were performing some exotic aboriginal dance to summon up a God or maybe a lessor Daemon. Continue reading
“Hey! Lance Needs Help! He’s Goin’ Down for the Third Time!” or, “Does This Font Make My Blog Look Fat?”
“Just toss him a beer and that ‘Mae West Vest’. He’ll be fine.”
“But Sir, he quit drinking months ago.”
“Well Christ! That’s probably most of his problem right there.
Ok, fish him aboard. I’ll have some ‘chat’ with him; get to the nature of his ‘Urgent Urgency’.” Continue reading
“Tuesday’s Tirade” or ”Curmudgeon’s Complaint” or “Just The Rants, Sir. Just The Rants”
Okay! Okay! This is just me, being me. Allowing me, for today, to indulge the ‘Right Side of Me’. That’s All Continue reading
A ‘Tuesday’ Throwback or, if you will: “Why Ruby Did It”
Why Jack? Oh Why?!
Of course if you want the answer to that
Burning Behind the Grassy Knoll question, all you need do is listen to Lenny.
Look no further.
Lenny Has This One Covered Y’all Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part VIII: “The Blackjack Enlightenment of Miss Shonnie”
Shonnie was growing tired and bitchy and mouthy so I called an end to the training session, satisfied enough by then with her understanding of the game. Continue reading
“Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.”–W. Shakespeare
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.
Today, the road all runners come,
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.
–A.E. Housman
Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part VII: “The Birth of a Star, A Craps’ Star!”
We freshened up, got dressed, and prepared to head down to the Casino Floor. Generally, and as a semi-hardened rule, I do not gamble in The Plaza.
But on this night I was feeling freshly full of myself and wanted to capitalize on that feeling before the ‘fresh’ had time to wear off. Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife VI: Vegas’ ‘Soft Porn’, or ‘Blue Hotel Room’
(Unsuitable for minors and miners and casual diners: Adult Content. Lock your screen if you need to step – away for a moment) Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife: Part “V(iva) Las Vegas”
“Hey Lance!” she exclaimed. “Come look at this shit! There are little teeny-tiny soap bars in the bathroom. And little baby shampoo bottles! And some paper thingy on the toilet. How I’m supposed to pee with that paper there? And look at this!” she said, walking out of the head and back into the room, “There’s a coffee pot and Coffee! And Look at this here! A Remote Control for the TeeVee!” Continue reading
Shonnie, The Biker’s Wife Part Four: “Night Hawks”
We spent the rest of that Friday and most of Saturday enjoying the Bluegrass Festival while swilling beers and smoking lots of cigarettes. During the late evenings we shared burgers, listened to all sorts of music on my little boom box, drank whiskey and had great sex. We also talked a lot about a lot … Continue reading
Should I Go For It?
Wad’yall Say? ‘Should‘ I go for it? ‘Could’ I go for it? (I ‘could’ and ‘would’ really use the ten bucks!) Enthusiastic Homer Says “Hell-To-The-Hell Yeah!“ Will definitely require some strong, mighty resolve and determination. Not to mention uncommon valor and courage… And… Some… REINFORCEMENTS! So I sent out an urgent ‘Mayday! Mayday!’ to Three-Star … Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Chapter Three: Desert Dreams, Sex and Music
Around about three a.m. I was pulling the Toranado up in front of her house, actually, turns out, her mother’s house. During the course of our conversation after leaving the bar’s parking lot Shonnie revealed to me that she had left her husband, who was a biker, and moved in with her mother. She had … Continue reading
“An Unlikely Horse to Win, Place, or Even Show Up” (2021 Re-Boot with Verbose Author’s Op-Ed Bonus Bit Thrown In)
“TLDR”
–The Author Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife, Chapter Two: “You Look So Good In Love”
“Well Shonnie, was nice of your friend to introduce us. Did Y’all come here together?” “Yeah, we come here two, three times a week.” “I didn’t catch her name.” “Layla.” (Well, I guess ‘that’ fits, I thought.) “See seems like a real nice Lady,” I lied. “She’s a good friend. We work together.” “I see. … Continue reading
Shonnie: Just Some Last Thoughts & One “Reminisce”–Important ‘Breaking News’ Re: Shonnie’s ‘Make-Over’
Let’s Get This Out of the Way First: “SPOILER ALERT!” Do NOT Read Unless You are Already Familiar With The Story from Reading the Original Series. Skip Ahead to Here: Author’s Note: Some of Y’all Faithful Readers… (That is Not Sarcasm. I sincerely appreciate all Y’all who read me and have ‘Read’ me over the … Continue reading
Shonnie: The Biker’s Wife
For the life of me, I could not spy a single pool table nor a shuffle board nor even an air hockey table. Certainly no mechanical bull.
Honky-Tonk Travesty! Continue reading
She SUCKS! But She Doesn’t Suck In The Way She’s Supposed To Suck
Dateline: 16 June 2021 After eight long months and numerous failed attempts, I FINALLY DID IT! I Liberated ‘That-VAC’ from Her Prison! Actually, She was trying to Bust Out On-Her-Own This Time. ‘The Not-So-Great-Escape’ And Struggling, Failing… Screaming for Help! BUT I, Me! Me ‘Lance-Rocky Marcona‘! Jumped in and SAVED Her DAY! Rescued Her! And … Continue reading
“No Bare Feet Beyond This Point” (This is a ‘Re-Constructed Old Post.’ No Alcoholic Beverages Were Harmed, Nor Consumed While Operating The Requisite Heavy Machinery For The Successful Completion of This Project)
I grew into manhood in the Sinai Desert: 1977-1980. Missed out on Disco, but it was damn well worth it. Who needed Disco anyway? I served a ‘higher’–figuratively and literally–‘calling’. What you may choose to read below is the first installment of a personal history I am determined to write about the men and women … Continue reading
Here is a Life-Lesson To Heed: “Never Drive A Shredder Over Small-Arms Ammunition.” (You’re Welcome.)
My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. Not an everyday alcoholic, but he did have a schedule and he stuck to it religiously. I lived with him and my grandmother in Winnsboro for one year before escaping to Honey Grove to live with my father. My grandmother was a librarian working at Gladewater High School, about … Continue reading
Armadillos Should Not Golf–ReDux’d & Re-Writ
“Golf is a Gentleman’s and Lady’s game.” I looked around at my eleven-odd fellow PE classmates sitting Indian-style in a semi-circle in front of Coach. It was late spring in Winnsboro, Texas. I was twelve. Poking my buddy (a lanky, slow-drawling ugly, slightly buck-toothed dirty-blond towhead of a boy named ‘Gary’) in the ribs with … Continue reading
Please Don’t Shit in my Showers
Dispatches From Afghanistan: Mouses, Goats, and Snakes, Oh My! *** The Jordanians are coming! The Jordanians are coming! Specifically the JAF. (Jordanian Armed Forces) They will be living here in my LSA 2. Wonderful. Each of my tents have a capacity of 120 U.S. Marines. They ain’t ‘comphy’, but they cozy and U.S. Marines do … Continue reading
“Phaseolus Vulgaris” Yeah, Them Latins Got That One Right! Pure-Dee ‘Vulgarity’ If In Chili, (But Just Fine If Not)
NO!!! Consider for a moment the lowly pinto bean. “Phaseolus Vulgaris” (Scholarly etymology) “Texmexiconus Pintofurious” (My etymology) Just a wonderful, hearty, delicious Texan Food… When Properly Served-up as my photo below illustrates. This Dish is Perfectly Acceptable to any Texan. In Fact, I cook and eat Pinto Beans all-the-time. I cooked this batch while Exiled … Continue reading
Emails From Afghanistan: My Boss, ‘That Guy I Wouldn’t Want Running An Elevator For Me’ (Re-Written/Expanded)
(Ed. Note: I reached way down into the archives and re-worked this one) LSA TWO OFFICE “LSA”-“Life Support Area”-or in the local vernacular aka: “Life Sucks Ass.” Yet another email I dispatched from Camp Dwyer, 2012: Around 1730hrs a truck pulls up outside my office at LSA Two. I didn’t see who was in the … Continue reading
Wonderful World of Worthy Writers!
We are, each of us, all of us, complicated, worthy people, full of brightly brilliant ideas, passionate passions, boundless potentials and infinite possibilities. We are “Writers,” which makes us just a little bit different, special, and weird. (In a very good way) We each have our own personal foibles, strengths, weaknesses, levels of humanity, quirks, … Continue reading
SHITTY PITY PARTY
Lance walks into the ‘Psycho‘-Therapist’s Office and slumps down into a chair… “Hello. My Name is Doctor Calvin Cray-Cray.” “Hello!” Way Too Effervescent Psychotherapist blurts out. “And how are WE Today?” “Shitty,” I answer. “Oh No!!” he says. “We can never be ‘shitty’, as you say. WE are always ‘Happy’.” “’Go Fuck yourself’, as I … Continue reading
“Sometimes There Just Aren’t Enuff Crud Eaters” Redux–Major Expanded–New & Improved!
“No Darlin’ I wanna go to that new fish store and buy me a coupla crud-eaters for my ‘quarium.” After having accumulated a little money during my three years’ working in the Sinai Desert (Sinai Field Mission) I decided to come home to Texas. My wife (the first one) and I settled in Nacogdoches resolved … Continue reading
This Is Just a “Puff Piece” All About One of My Favorite Women Of-All-Time. Surprised?
To be quite honest, I had never been a big fan, Until… My Third, Lisa-the-Professor, sat me down in front of the TV one night and put on “Truth or Dare.” (The Blond Ambition Tour) By the end of the film, I was IN-Love. And In-Awe. And In-Respect. “The Girl, she works hard for the … Continue reading
Delirium Tremens Man Showed. And This Time He Wasn’t Playin’
Chapter One Here Sunday Morning, one A.M. and I had just run out of booze. Bad News. Can’t buy booze until noon on a Sunday. So at one o’clock a.m. the count-down began. I was resolved to weather the approaching storm. Tried to keep my mind occupied by watching YouTube vids.Listening to ‘Happy’ Songs.Drinking coffee.Reminiscing … Continue reading
The Funeral
Chap one here Chap two here Chap three here Vid Cred: drawnmap96 : Doctor Gary, The Vet, had been the one who had called to give me the unhappy news. He NEVER asked any of his staff to perform these kinds of unpleasant duties. He was a good boss and a good, compassionate man who … Continue reading
I DO NOT LIKE THIS NEW FB ‘SEND NEW POSTS TO ‘MESENGER!’ How To roll back to old version? Posting directing directly to my timeline. SUCKS
*** Classical Music! Credit: Facebook Song – Rhett & Link
HOSPITALS. (“Plural”) Thirteen Days Back-To Back
This is Just the ‘Trailer’ Full Movie Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You. Soon, Very Soon Keeping as a souvenir: (I’ll Never wash that wrist Again!) *** Here is a Clue: Cred: ‘Scared Sober with Delirium Dirk – Real Delirium Tremens and Alcohol Withdrawal‘ **** Street Cred: ‘Christy Moore’ **** Street Cred: Kris *** … Continue reading
I Hate Television (But I Desperately Need It!)
This (Above) vid is kinda lame.But best I could find.On my short dime.Cred: UnBemlo **** My television set has stopped working.I hate that!I cannot watch CNN!Now I will have to bother Cynthia… Once Again. At least my Internet Sill Works. Good for Me. Bad for You. **** Added Bonus: I Prefer Radio! Lovely, Beautiful Joni!
Trolling For Baited Breath
“Dear Peggy, Just ‘Bee’ Happy” And Sing. Even if it is Your Swan… Song Vid Share Cred: Peacock Kids *** Someone Just Called me a “Troll”Am I? I don’t Know. Don’t Think So. Perhaps… A Little But Ain’t We All. To some Degree? **** No! I know! Troll? I am none! I am a decent, … Continue reading
Embrace The Human Race! (We are All In This Boat Together) Or… Instant Karma!
“How in The World You Gonna See, Laughing At Fools Like Me?” **** We Are All, All of Us, Keeping, Trying, to Keep on ‘Shinning’ On— While Trapped On This Crazy Little Blue Marble of a Bat-Shit ‘Scrazy,’ Mixed-Up Planet! “You Better Get Yourself Together;Pretty Soon You’re Gonna Be Dead.” Cheers! (And Good Luck.) Y’all! … Continue reading
Almost My Last ‘Lucia Chap’–The Denouement is Coming – Soon. Please Stand By. Bye! Bye!
I came home one day.So happy to be off work.Walked in the door.Waited for Lucia to jump me and try to claw my eyes out.She did not come.I went looking for her.Found her motionless, prostrated on the floor.Gently I Gathered Her in My Arms and drove Her to The Vet.“Please Fix My Cat” I said … Continue reading
Flame WARS! The Battle is Joined!
(Ed. Note: This Post is All Borked/Fucked Up. WP is STUPID! I’ll TRY to FIX it LATER) Maybe… Maybe Not… I truly do have better things to do Believe it Or Not! **** I didn’t Start the Fire. I just poured gasoline on it. Street Cred for Vid: CollegeHumor: Brilliant!!! Fucking BRILLIANT!!! Just Fuckin Brilliant! … Continue reading
Mother-Fuck You Facebook!
Cred for Creative Vid: ‘Intermittent Explosive Disorder’ **** I am already drunk. (of course) So What?? What to do? I am about to get Get Drunker. Stand by for more unhappy words directed directly at you: Facefuck! **** Fuck you Facefuk!I don’t have time, nor inclination to wrestle you over small edits.So… Go get wrecked!(and … Continue reading
Almost Cut My Hair
Hair Hair Every Where! And Thank God! I’ll Never go BALD! (It is a Genetic Thang!) Good Hair Genes Possessed By Me! “Almost cut my hairIt happened just the other dayIt’s gettin’ kinda longI coulda said it was in my wayBut I didn’t and I wonder whyI feel like letting my freak flag flyYes, I … Continue reading
On Writing. On Thinking. On Drinking.
I Throw Excuses at Me for Not Writing: ‘Too Early’‘Too Late’‘Too Hot’‘Too Cold’‘Too wet’‘Too Dry’‘Too Sober’ ‘Too Drunk’ ‘Oh Wait!—There’s ‘Breaking News on CNN!’ (I am far too Easily Distracted!) Eventually, I empty out my ‘Excuses-Bag-of-Tricks’ Then I Park My Ass On The ‘Writing Chair’ And I Begin trying to write. (I have SO Much … Continue reading
Wrap Rage!
Why do I need a Saw-Saw or a Chain Saw to open A Retail Product??? Next time I’m just gonna stop fukkin’ around and use C-4… or a Neutron Bomb Shit Pisses Me Off! I Suggest Booze & Drugs Are Called For in these Situations: Confronting the Heavy Plastic. Here is a Clue: “One Must … Continue reading
My First Info-Babe Love: Christiane Amanpour!
She took my “News-Junkie Virginity.”Then she never looked back.Never dropped by.Never mailed a postcard.Never telephoned.No Nada!Bitch!(Just kidding Christiane)You know I will always love you best! Brilliant.Beautiful.Charming! Absolutely Charming! *** Every time I see her, I fall in love all over again. (I suppose that’s how it always goes with those… “First Loves–Lost”) ‘Just Hang on … Continue reading
Left-Over Food. Left-Over Dreams. Left-Over White Trash King!
My Fridge: Left On my Bed. Instead. No worries. I can sleep around it. I’ve got enough left-over food (some weeks gone-by of age-Waste not. Want not!) in my fridge to ‘Feed Cox’s Army’ ‘Feed Cox’s Army…’ An expression Janet used to hurl at me upon often occasion. Anyway… I got NO Room! No ROOM! … Continue reading
Lucia!
Lisa and I struggled along after our over-hasty Marriage. I kept working for Dick Latson @ Latson’s Printing and Office Supply. Lisa kept working for Texas A&M-Commerce. After about one year Kitty died. (Recall he was the eldest–14 and change) So not a huge surprise But Still! Broke both of our hearts. I buried him … Continue reading
You’re Not in Kansas Anymore Dorothy
“I Love and Admire You Dorothy.Always Have.Always Shall. You are an American Icon.” *** “And Thank You For Being My Teenage Fantasy Crush” –Lance So Much Class! So Much Class! And Oh So Very Very Beautiful & Talented! And Charming! Vid Cred: Wat Bradford (Bravo Wat! Brilliant Choice of Music!) *** I remember watching this … Continue reading
Kitty Muster: Roll Call! Fall in! (You Pussys!)
Vid Cred: CatsCovers *** Had FiveCatsStand by… And I will tell you why. When I first met my soon to be third wife, (Shakespeare / Marlow Professor), She announced to the class, First Day of Class: “My Name is ‘Lisa,’ but you may address me as ‘Professor’, or ‘Doctor Lisa.’ “ She continued: “I have … Continue reading
Teaser: The “Real” New Project I am Working on, Working Titles: “Evil Felines” or “Cat Scratch Fever” Vote on it!
My Sociopath Kitty Lucia. (You can spot the Social Anxiety Disorder in her eyes.) Best “Pussy” I ever had.She was a tiny little dominatrix.My favorite kind of female. Street Cred For Vid: The Pet Collective Street Cred For Vid: CurlySVT **** Cast & Crew:Tweety Bird: Lance MarcomSylvester the Cat: Lucia Director: Cecil B. De-Jerk Special … Continue reading
Siren Songs
Fun Fact: The Song was actually vocalized by Emmy Lou Harris, Allison Krauss, & Gillian Welch ****** “Welch was an associate producer and performed on two songs of the soundtrack of the Coen brothers 2000 film O Brother, Where Art Thou?, a platinum album that won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in … Continue reading
Women! Love Them! Cannot Get Enough of Them!
Astrud ***** I’ve had too many “Ipanema Girls” in my life. Enough For Two Life-Times. In fact. Now I am weary. And smartly wary. Vid Cred: catman916 Vocalist: Astrud Gilberto (Love The Classic Beehive Hairdo, By The Way… Just sayin’.) ***** Post This Because I love Them! And Just Because I LOVE Them! Every Shape, … Continue reading
To Mask or Not to Mask (That is The Question)
Vid Cred: Shirley Șerban Vid Cred: Shirley Șerban Above Would Be Me! If I were lost in Idiocracy ****** To live or not to Live Zat is the Ques-ze-ion!Personally, I do not mask.(Nor do I Ask ) And I do not live in Fear! Not My Style! I have no Fear! My Dear! ****** I … Continue reading
Moldy Old Posts. A Re-Visit: Shit Holes
Street Cred For Vid: Chetreo Street Cred For Vid: Chetreo Transcribed from an Old Post: ***** I moved out within a week; a one-bedroom frame house had come available and it was a bargain at just ninety bucks a month. It was within fifty yards of ‘the crash site’ of my Monza, just across the … Continue reading
“Please Stay Safe” (You’re Shitting me, Right?)
Vid Street Cred: Cody Ko “Please Stay Safe!”Who the fuck says that?While talking to a Reporter in Middle of the Middle East!“Please stay safe!”Fuck you!Looking at you CNNI have lived in the Middle East!There is no ‘Safe.’ Not Here Not there! Then nowhere n’est-ce pas? No-Where Good Luck! **** I must I simply must Drop … Continue reading
Simply For Cynthia (Esoteric Post—Don’t Bother)
Song Dedicated to My Cynthia.She works her butt off, looking out for all the inmates here @ Lion’s Den. She is My Guardian Angel in Disguise.I do not want to live in a world without her, now that I’ve found her.And she me… ***** I had a package delivery todayMy neck collar/embracementBut more important:Thank You … Continue reading
I Have But Few Words
Fake Bitch: Not Fake: Not Fake Never Fake: Since I retain my Third World Mode… And counting my blessings… Yet I possess/retain empathy. I have been to Africa. I have seen it. Up Close Have you? (Vid Cred: Leeshan)
Livin’ Life Large Here in The Den, Lion’s Den
I had a package delivery todayMy neck collar/embracementBut more important:Thank You Cards—BlankI filled out three:One for that dude who helped me into my house last week when I was so ‘shaky.’One for Deb—Hotel Management, WardenAnd of course one for, the main one of course … for Cynthia— Walking BossI shouted her down as she was … Continue reading
I tried to make a ‘SHORT LIST’ of all the Women I Love, Respect, and Admire (& Desire!) Such Folly! Who Was I Kidding?!
WordDepresswd
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Bugman Visit Cancelled! Thank God! And Thank Cynthia!
(I don’t need no more Bug trouble) Cynthia dropped in earlier; inquired after my state of health.I told her I was OK.She reminded me that this was the day she was to clean my hooch.I begged her not to bother—not her job.And she said, “OK Baby, but if you change your mind…”As we were in … Continue reading
Sexy Goddess Elizabeth: My Last Wife, Chapter Four, Wayward Bound
Actually in my last post, I kinda lied. We were on the same plane but bound for two different destinations:She to Missouri.Me to Texas. During the flight across the pond to America, I went back to the stewardess shack, and said,“See that Nordic Blonde there in 27B? She has agreed to marry me. Got any … Continue reading
Bad Fortunes. Bad Dreams. Are Always Trying To Gang-Tackle Me, (It Seems), But Then They Are Chased Away. By Good Fortune & Good People. (Perpetually in The Nick of Time)
***** But then comes along… I’ve had a rough week and change. That last big storm we’d had shot down a lightning bolt into my ‘back-yard’ and knocked out my internet. For FOUR DAYS! (Thanks so Much for THAT, Zeus) It tried to gasp itself back to life. I was powerless to help. No CPR … Continue reading
Sandra
It’s a ‘Sandra Kinda Day’ I Am Way Lost in Sandra Space Today.Okay? ***** I Can Relate: Never Hesitate ***** Bonus Track: Cred for Vid: Chadman2000
Time After Time
I’ve made up My Time Following Sublime I’m losing My Mind I’m going away. Call me ‘Ash-Tray!‘ Gone Far Astray Okay?? Away! ***** I mean call ME“Asshole” Or Call me ‘Ismael’ Uh… On Second Thought, Please Don’t Call me ‘Ismael’ Fuck it! Just Call me! Call me ‘Lancelot-Link, Secret Chimp.’ I’ll answer to that. ***** … Continue reading
Hooray For Hollywood! Wish I Could… Still Give a Shit. But The Magic is Gone. Long Gone. So Long!
Street Cred for Vid: kherrick90 Credit: TOPPOP: Star sisters “Any barmaid can be a star-made” ******* Hey Film Buffs!This (Below) is Required Watching! Right On! Spot On! Dead On! Thank YOU! Critical Drinker Man! You Nailed My Same Same Sentiment! Visit Crit Drinker Here Below: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSJPFQdZwrOutnmSFYtbstA The Genesis of all this Bullshit: ***** And No!I … Continue reading
Houston, We’re Screwed.
Pondering, Reflecting, Dissecting, Thinking back (Yeah, I do that sometimes) The thinking part Whilst ‘Thinking’ … I came upon the stark realization that I have been perpetually ‘online’ since 1990 First Step: Admitting You Have A Problem (The Admittance Part is The Hardest Part—Guess That is Why it is First-On-The-ListOnce You Get PAST That…Rest is … Continue reading
That Happy News! Still Friends in 2525
Still Stayin’ Alive! I Feel ‘Blessed’And that’s a Stretch(Since I’m an Atheist) Street Cred for Vid: Sanjin Brilliant! Love it! Just awakened from my coma.Had some wonderful/happy news from a friend via voicemail.(Won’t doxx him) But suffice to say, he’s gonna be OK,(Until 2525 Anyway!) I am happy–everyone deserves some, a little, ‘happy’ in their … Continue reading
English!
(I still love you Baby!) But I had to go See way below… For all the reasons this is so English!I love everything English/British!I had one once.She drove me crazy!I was no longer the smartest in the room.She made me crazy I still love her And I still miss her Marvelous much Woe is me … Continue reading
Arabia (Amman, Chapter The First) “Maggie”
I worked in Amman Jordan for six months.(Parsons/Bechtel evacuated Iraq at the end of our project—USAID Rural Water Project) We had completed all the ‘on-the-ground’-work.Nothing left to do but finalize the paper-work.We could do this in Jordan. It was ‘safer‘ So said Parsons—No need to get anyone else kilt in Iraq—Made sense I suppose. I … Continue reading
Twenty-Eight Days & A ‘Wake Up’
How many people have I hurt? How many lives have I dragged down into the muck and mire with mine? How many loving wives and good women have I cast away? Got a Super-Duper Calculator? You’ll need it. Life Imitating My ‘Art.’ Hits a little too close to My Home: Street Cred For Vid: welovesandrabullock … Continue reading
‘Siskel & Ebert’ (& Lance): Movie Impressions
“A charmingly, delightfully, hysterically funny movie. And actually, quite Touching and Endearing.(To me anyway)Not gonna be everyone’s ‘cup of tea.’But my teacup runneth over. Three Thumbs Up! Your mileage may vary.” —Lance ‘Ekbert’ Maria Bakalova: My Latest ‘Crush’ (Yes. Lance is a Dirty Old Man–Sue Him–He’s Old, But He Ain’t Dead) **** When the world … Continue reading
Babes, Info (Info-Babes)
(“Babes, Info: Plural. Colloquial.”)—Lance Webster ******** I am not a fan of Babe Ruth (Or of His Candy Bar) I am not a Fan of ‘Babes-In-Toy-Land’ I am not a Fan of Fukked – Up Word-Depressed ‘Customer-Service’ Babes I am not a fan of ‘Babe The Pig‘ I am not a fan of Babe Actresses … Continue reading
Glen Miller Kicked Some Serious Ass!
I Love Our Rich American Culture!I love My Having Been Blessed To Have Been Born An American.And Yes!I Am A Vet! (And A Patriot!) And I love My Country!Forever! Wanna Test The Veracity of My Statement? Well, Stand By For Heavy Rolls! As The Shit Hits Your Fan! Y’all Understand my Tennessee Connection to this. … Continue reading
“Walking On The Moon” (Or, “Pie In The Eye”)
Vid Share Street Cred: Apollo Space Program : Street Cred For Vid: The Police A Trip to the Moon (French: Le Voyage dans la Lune) is a 1902 French adventure short film directed by Georges Méliès God Damn Navy! OK. I have Finished re-watching “From The Earth To The Moon.” (HBO) I never was able … Continue reading
I’ve Got A Lot To Say About This Mo-Fo. And it Ain’t Gonna Be Nothin’ Nice–Fair Warning. (Although I do Respect Him)
Yeah, I do! Don’t Worry; I’ll Get to it! Don’t Worry And This Other Stupid Mother-Fucker: Street cred: John Ward:
Medgar Evers
Poignant and Timely: Vid Share Credit: Swingin’ Pig ***** All of the Prose below is stolen. Just my feeble attempt to pay in my humble way… to try to pay proper tribute to the memory of a Great, Brave American Veteran… ***** “Medgar Wiley Evers (July 2, 1925 – June 12, 1963) was an American … Continue reading
“Gone With The Bear” – As My Third Wife Referred To it. “Just Hold On And Suck In.” –Mammy
–Mammy Video Compilation Credit: huldr rrr Best Clip. Ignore The Others Except the Christine McVie toward the end. That one is requisite! Video Compilation Credit: Michael and Stephanie Sandberg Video Compilation Credit: ‘S’ et al. First time I actually ‘talked’ to her was in her ‘Office’. (She was a ‘new-hire’ Freshly Pressed with her Ph.D.,– … Continue reading
I Don’t Need No More (Toilet) – Trouble
I Love To Laugh (at me) And My Chasing at Sobriety “Hey Lance! What would you do if you ever caught the Sobriety Bus?” “Burn my nose on the tail-pipe–I don’t know–haven’t thought it through.” ****** (Ed. Note: The Bob Marley Vid ain’t Necessary, nor requisite.But I find it a ‘Nice Touch.’ Watch it if … Continue reading
You Peck The Right Button, Pellets Fall Out
Street Cred for Vid: Shea et al. Hi Y’all. I spend almost all of my ‘awake’ hours thinking about writing. I spend what is ‘left-over’ actually writing. Since most of Y’all who are kind enough to visit me here are writers too, I would like to share some of my thoughts about the ‘writing process’, … Continue reading
In My Ever-Persistent Search For Happiness & Beauty In My Life
Share Credit: Y’all Enjoy Thanks to Kevin Bacon (Yeah, that actor dude) Yeah, we’re FB Buds. Hahahahah! Someone put a lot of time and effort into constructing this vid; wish I could give proper credit. Alas.. Ed. Note: (At the beginning. Yes, not ‘conventional’) But if you do not watch the videos, you are wasting … Continue reading
Right vs. Left—Left vs. Right—Spy vs. Spy: Who Am I?
“I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods (Ed. Note: This Post has kinda Gone off the Rails & morph’d into an Annie Lennox bit) Sorry. Not Sorry. Scroll Down In most things Politic, I … Continue reading
Just in Time for Easter
Someone once asked me,“Lance, when did you become an Atheist?”I replied,“When I learned to read.”Actually I think even before that.It is geneticFrom my FatherOnly Useful Thing He Ever Gave Me.And it Did Not Cost Him One Dime.But, Thanks Dad.And Before You Get All Bent Out of Shape:Read My Views on People of Faith Some Bonus … Continue reading
Credit Card Companies PISS Me OFF
Song Credit: Dick Feller Recent email to me: “Lance, thank you from Capital One. You’re invited to pre-qualify for auto financing with no impact to your credit score.” Since when do Credit Card Companies think they are allowed to be on ‘First-Name Basis’ with me? I wrote their Customer Service Back: “Hey Cap! Come to … Continue reading
Gnat Pool Party
So, I am tryin’ real hard (Yes it is hard. Hey! Get Yer Mind Outta That Gutter!) Tryin’ real hard to tone down on the drinkin’. Poured me a ‘HALF-GLASS’ of wine, (Not much more than would fill a hen’s ear) into a ‘Normal’ wine glass as opposed to my usual, ‘Barrel Glass Runneth Over.’ … Continue reading
Now Pay Attention Kids. Things Are Gonna Get Easier; Things Are Gonna Get Brighter
So, Buck Up Lil Campers! ***** Most of Below Originally Posted on FaceBook. (Sorta) **** “Now pay attention Kids. I am Not sayin’ I love this version more than the other I recently Posted. But Damn it’s Great! More Healthy Optimism, Less Dread! And Y’all know Beautiful Redheads make me weak-in-the-knees No, not the dude … Continue reading
Word-Press Distress
What I hear while on the telephone with WordPress Customer Diss-Me-Service: WordPress, how do I hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways. (This Make Take Some Time. Have A Seat. I’ll Get You A Drink) **** Hey WP! This Below could be dedicated from me to you. (If you were worth-a-shit!) Sadly. You are Not … Continue reading
The La Mesa Yankee Girl In King Lance’s Court (From Connecticut) Work-In-Progress… *Apologies to Mark Twain*
A very long TT&H Project I am working on: “KAREN, The Only Non-Texan Girl I Ever Loved” (Working Title) OK. That’s a Bullshit Lie. But it Looked Good to Me In Print. So I’m gonna run with it. ***** Just need to wait for her to send me the photo records… “Dear Karen,I have a … Continue reading
Car Shield? No Deal!
Y’all know I watch way too much CNN. Ten Minuets of ‘News’ and Fifty Minuets of Obnoxious Commercials. Every Hour. Day after Day. Every Day! Above is one of the worst. I dialed up Car Shield: “Hey Car Shield! I want to Board Your Gravy Train!” “Sure. We are here for you. But first, we … Continue reading
Lance Health Update: I think I’m Gonna Barf
“Well, that passed.” I love you Margie (Frances) ******* Condition (“I saw so much I broke My Mind.”)
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I know I am an asshole, But I write what I feel. And I am Honest. AND I DO RESPECT MY READERS. (Both of them) Believe it or Don’t Your Choice.
Face-Fukked
For Any Enquiring Minds Who Give-A-Shit: I recently deleted My Face-Fuk Account of 12 Years. Guess what happened next. FaceBook sent a buxom Blond to Mi Casa. Ostensibly to give me a blow-job. But it did not take me long to figger out that all she wanted was for me to undelete my account. I … Continue reading
SueZ, Open Sez-a-me! Canal!
I have been to the Suez Canal at least 300 times. I’ve been witness to some incredibly funny shit in my day, but never nothin’ even remotely approaching this Monumental Shipping Screw-UP! LMFAO! ******* Because I am a Smart-assed Moron: Clik the GD Link Below! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ****** Jet, the oldest at the table–about thirty—wore a … Continue reading
A Love for All Seasons. And For All The Right Reasons
Just One More In The Continuing Series: “All The Women Lance Loves” Have a Blast. (WIP) Street Cred Vid Share Credit: stumblingChaos ***** Olivia on the phone with me: (Wanna Talk Vain Fantasy?) ***** And Just To Lift Your Spirits: “O happy dagger, This is thy sheath. There rust and let me die.“ Whomever posted … Continue reading
Diana
Yes! I am a Hopelessly Romantic SAP. *** Her untimely departure really fucked me up. (More than this ‘Macho-Man’ would ever care or confess to admit.) Street Cred for Vid: Missmariasiya **** Christopher, I love you more than cash money,BUTI do not agree with you.(Actually I Do… Sorta.)However, comma,I’d like to hold onto myIdealisticDreamsAnd Fantasies…RegardingPrincesses. … Continue reading