Zero Four. Alarm going off! I knock it off the nightstand. It whimpers for an instant and then grows silent.
Four o’clock!?
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Where am I?
Who am I? Continue reading
Shonnie: The Biker’s Wife
I was sorely missing Texas and though I was never what one might call ‘A Hardcore Country Music Fan’, I was feeling nostalgic. So I bought me some Nocona’s, a Stetson, Wrangler’s, some shirts with snaps, a string tie, and off I went, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places Continue reading
“Goin’ To The Chapel…”
Apparently marriage to me is not much more binding than a hand-shake. Continue reading
Daily Lenny: A Perverse Act, Pissing in the Sink
C’mon Guys (and Gals) fess up: Have you ever pissed in a sink?
I know I have. Continue reading
This Never Got Any Play: The Snapping Turtles Part Probably Killed It…
“We’re goin’ camping out to The Lake,” Peanut announced. “You gonna come, or what?” Continue reading
Please Don’t Shit in my Showers (a revisit)
The Jordanians are coming: Specifically the JAF. (Jordanian Armed Forces) They will be living here in my LSA 2. Wonderful. Each of my tents have a capacity of 120 U.S. Marines. They ain’t comphy, but they cozy and U.S. Marines do not complain.
They are Marines. Continue reading
On The Street Where I Lived
All the houses on Bruning Street were brand new. And they were all alike. But their alikeness did not dampen my spirits, especially since mom and I had left the moldy old garage apartment across town. I had finally escaped that place and the Ghost of that Murdered Turkey. Continue reading
Armadillos Should Not Golf
“Golf is a Gentleman’s and Lady’s game.”
I looked around at my twenty-odd fellow PE classmates sitting Indian-style in a semi-circle in front of Coach. It was late spring in Winnsboro Texas. I was twelve.
Poking my buddy (a lanky, slow-drawling ugly tow head of a boy named Gary) in the ribs with my elbow, whispered, “Golf? What’s he talkin’ ‘bout?” Continue reading
Never A Shot Fired In Anger: Just Sweet Revenge
My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. Not an everyday alcoholic, but he did have a schedule and he stuck to it religiously. Continue reading
No Bare Feet Beyond This Point
I grew into manhood in the Sinai desert: 1977-1980. Missed out on Disco, but it was damn well worth it. Continue reading
Ear Worm
A poet of such piercing eloquence Continue reading
Dear Mister Kim
Dear Mister Kim
I’m at it again
I love you to pieces
You sack of raw feces Continue reading
God’s Favorite Mistake
“Lil Kim’s got the hydrogen bomb”
His news bitch announced in singsong Continue reading
God’s Wisdom
God in His wisdom let people die
God in His wisdom made them all fry Continue reading
Zen and the Art of Commentary Maintenance
Likes and Loves and Laughing Faces
Thumbs up Thumbs up
We’re off to the races! Continue reading
For Barney
Barney’s not buyin’
The bullshit they’re tryin’ Continue reading
For A Moment
She spoke through my window
Smile and hair still aglow
“Your poem made me cry”
Didn’t even ask her ‘why’ Continue reading
Lady Projection
She had done up her hair
I’d seen her standing there
In rain and in shine
Holding up her sign Continue reading
The Art of Blogging (Bullshit-Free Edition)
Originally posted on SOZ SATIRE:
I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare. The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ 1: Write any old shit 2: Visit other blogs containing…
SHITTY PITY PARTY
Lance walks into his ‘physic’ therapist’s office and slumps down…
“Hello” too effusive psychotherapist says. “And how are WE today?”
“Shitty,” I answer. Continue reading
Spiders, Spiders Everywhere and all the Girls Did Shriek! Spiders, Spiders Everywhere, Even in the Sink!”
A New Take On An Old Story Continue reading
Phubbing — The Mad Hatters
/ˈfəbiNG/ noun informal the practice of ignoring one’s companion or companions in order to pay attention to one’s phone or other mobile device. via Phubbing — The Mad Hatters
Don’t RUST On My Parade*
“Petty Officer Marcom! Your Fifty Cals are Rusty!”
I had to admit. Yes they were. Continue reading
Donald Trump (Ahem)
The Greatest Reality Show On Earth I just might vote TRUMP. Why not? (And what’s wrong with Big Hair anyhow?! Even I, your humble servant, used to have Big Hair–Then I learned to read.) I mean, honestly, The Prez really don’t have power anymore, c’mon People! Sampson hair notwithstanding. Don’t believe me? Ask Obama. Or… Take … Continue reading
T-Back Thurs: Emails From Afghanistan: My Boss, aka: ‘That Guy I Wouldn’t Want Running An Elevator For Me’
Originally posted on Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics:
Yet another email I dispatched from Camp Dwyer, 2012: Around 1730hrs a truck pulls up outside my office at LSA 2. I didn’t see who was in the truck, but I figured I was about to have a visitor. (I’m really smart that way) After the truck had…
I’m The Reason God Made Oklahoma
When I was fourteen or fifteen and living in NE Texas, ‘Famine’ County to be more precise, I used to frequently cross the border. Not Mesico. No, Oklahoma. Yep. Go figger. You see, back-in-the-day (Early Seventies), the drinking age got lowered to 18, mainly because it just was not fitting for a boy to go … Continue reading
I Just Want To Meet Jackie
The point of this post, if there is one, is that I have applied for no less than ten jobs in Saudi Arab today. Some nine or so in various other shit holes, err, developing countries, just looking for my next war zone to make me famous, not unlike Hemmingway. At this point in life, … Continue reading
Lyndon Johnson: Just Another Guy Lookin’ Out for His Nuts
Originally posted on Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics:
Lyndon Baines Johnson Texan, Father, School Teacher, Rancher, & Much Maligned 36th President of The United States of America. I love LBJ, or as Brother Dave Gardner once called him: ‘Daddy Bird’. Johnson was a divisive entity during his one and a half terms as president—primarily due of…
Rumors
Swerved into this in my inbox few days ago…. “Dere Lance of Texas, I hav fond some wory in my brane last days. Woried you not hear anee more. No rightings on you blogg, texas tails. Hopink you not ded. If yu ar, pls let me kno, of not, plese igno an I will chek … Continue reading
The Basra Bugman Revisited.
Originally posted on Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics:
I am re-posting this because I am still working on the Continuation of the ‘Sinai Field Mission Chronicles‘. (Great Excuse, eh?) Anyway, some of you ‘newbies’ may not have had the wonderful ‘opportunity’ to have swerved into it. Therefore it is with great humility that I present it…
Throw-Back: She’s Not Here
Originally posted on Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics:
NAVY CLUB of the United State of America MILITARY EXCELLENCE Award “Presented to the graduating recruit who best exemplifies the qualities of enthusiasm, devotion to duty, military appearance and behavior, self-discipline and teamwork.” This was the highest honor any recruit could be awarded. I won that sucker in…
“Don’t Shoot Me; I’m Only The Piano Player”
I used to shoot small birds Yes, back in the day, I pleasured me by shooting to death… sparrows. (not pretty, is it?) Not proud of it. And as Texan-Rightly, not ashamed of it neither. (What we did then, back in the day…) “Just Texan Kids havin’ fun,” they would say. (‘They’, generally being Grandmothers—maternal … Continue reading
Ha Ha Ha! Bet Y’all Never Seen This One
And in truth: I never did either., I guess I wrote it back in some day. And he went to England; played the piano, married an actress maimed “Kim:”… She was a good wife… I loved her. This is a continuation, albeit a flashback, to my story of Janet and Random Memories from The … Continue reading
The Flat-Bed Truck and The Pastel Sun-Dress
Thou talks of Nothing. ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! PITY PARTY WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! “NO BARE FEET BEYOND THIS POINT! (THIS MEANS YOU!) And Here is a news flash for you Marcom: Ronnie Died about fifty year ago. Get the fuck over it! “Golly Gosh, My Lord. I am tryin’ to… but you … Continue reading
A Tuesday Throwback… or, if you will: “Why Ruby Did It?”*
*Of course if you want the answer to that burning behind the Grassy Knoll Question, you will have to listen to Lenny. (Listen below after you wade through some serious Lance Horseshit) Or, I suppose you could just ask Lance, as his erstwhile step-mom worked for Jack (Ruby) And if you, any of you, breath, … Continue reading
“And Now My Watch Has Ended.”
About an hour ago I ended ‘My Watch’ of all four seasons and all episodes of “Game of Thrones”—Took me all of three days to get through it, soup to nuts, but I really had nothing better to do anyhow. Certainly there are quite a lot of rabid fans out there belonging to “Game of … Continue reading
Hip-Ocrocy
Now some might say Brother Dave was a racist and they would probably be right, but I am posting these bits because I love the way he talks politics and specifically about “Daddy Bird.” I really don’t think Bro Dave was racist in his heart. Most things he said were tongue-in-cheek, but that is just … Continue reading
Great Songs for a Rainy Day
“Here in Savannah Memphis it’s pourin’ rain “Palm trees in the porch light like slick black cellophane. “Will you still love me when I get back to town?” vid credit: Christian T. Davies Not really melancholy, but if I were, this song just might push me further that way, in that direction. Peace, -Lance Real sorry, … Continue reading
Tooth Update
(Yes, I know. All y’all been waiting with baited breath, no pun, for this post) The problem really isn’t the tooth per se. It’s the rebar that the dentist pounded into it some years back. The tooth even then was pretty much gone and I had not the time nor inclination (nor money) to have a … Continue reading
Y’all Wanna Know The Worst Tactile Sensation Ever?
Of course you do. It is when you go to flush the toilet and that handle snarls back at you, rather limp-wrist’d, as if to say, “Not tonight Asshole. Go back to sleep.” (Now, in some truth, I could probably improve this post. For example: I should not have referenced ‘limp wrists”. In truth, … Continue reading
He Drinks Now Most Nights With the TV On
And all the house lights left up bright. Happy New Year. “I’m gonna blow this damn candle out.” “Holidays are hard on some guys.” (I stole that line from a favorite movie of mine, loosely based on a wonderful play by some guy: “Sexual Perversity in Chicago” which I first saw in the Sinai, and … Continue reading
And Y’all Just Knew…
I had to post this one. Video Credit: genesiss8 Ya know…. John really love Yoko… No one (except John) Knew why. I suppose love is funny that way.
I Guess Buffalo Ain’t Gear’d for Me and Paul
I thought Nashville was the roughest, but then, I landed in Memphis… Fuck Memphis and fuck Elvis. I am a Texan. Ya know… Life can be funny… Real Funny. “Just do’t leave nothin” in your clothes//// Missing The Most Interesting Man In Iraq APRIL 14, 2014 BY LAMARCOM 4 Bob (The Most Interesting Man in Iraq) … Continue reading
But the people in California are nice to me…
On the street… America. SEAL/s
This is My Blog, and I’m Stickin’ To It
Now, that header is probably un (in?) appropriate. But. Guess what? I paid good money for this, this, this, ability to write shit no one really wants to read. So There! I post what thrills me. Someday, when I am old… I will look back and smile. And say, “Jesus Christ Lance! How many people … Continue reading
It’s Thursday SomeWhere
I love this post. (not sure why) ************* ‘Three-Nine-Six-One-Three Bruning Street Fremont California: 1966-1968’ Funny how I still remember the street address when I cannot remember my mother’s birthday, or what I had for Sunday Supper last week, or my second wife’s maiden name, or who won the World Series last year. All the houses … Continue reading
Ya Know… “I have not yet begun to defile myself.”
“Don’t jump and make trouble.” https://texantales.com/2014/05/10/daily-lenny-people-dont-stay/ Awe Shit! I was only funnin’. I was a man once (SEALs) As Peanut once said, “Much Man!” Well, he, Peanut, said a lot. “A tale of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
“If He Can’t Drive With a Broken Back, at least He Can Polish the Fender”
Ow! Oops! Here is the Billy Joel: That (the above) is just a ‘working’ title. What I reely want to write… is some more ‘autobiographical shit. (Mostly about Las Vegas) Yeah, we have been here b4. Never mind. Oh! The Billy Joel bit was from this here. And yes! I am too stupid to just … Continue reading
That’s My Story (Spacemen from Mars took all of my money–I can play the game)
Proving (once again) That My Life Has a Sound-Track (Yes, there will be more) *heavy sigh* Stand by for heavy rolls as this ship comes about. (DDG 994) Just a man I once had the honor of shaking hands with… What’s that word? I think I’m eccentric. –Oh yeah. “Eccentric” “The younger girls are so … Continue reading
Energy Crisis Revisit, Or if You Will: “Gas Lines Redux From the Seventies”
Or, if you will: “The timing’s all wrong.” Last Chance… Texico A RePost Why? ‘Cause I love Rickie Lee Jones. That is why, oh, and yeah! Because, to quote one long lost Texan Oilman: “Please Lord! Just gimme one more oil boom; I do promise I won’t fuck it up (this time).” Texans actually used … Continue reading
“Don’t Rain Rust on my Parade”*
“Petty Officer Marcom! Your fifty cals are rusty!” I must admit; yes, they were. I tried so hard to keep ahead of the rust, but here I found myself between the second half of a six-month, round-the-whurl-WestPac deployment, and somewhere just off the coast of Somalia. Yes, rust was my enemy, and never my friend—the machine … Continue reading
Daddy-Bird
https://texantales.com/2014/03/08/lyndon-johnson-just-another-guy-lookin-out-for-his-nuts/ I recently finished watching … And yes, I have read ALL of Caro’s books. http://www.robertcaro.com/ And yes: I am a Texan. And NO! I do not think LBJ had anyTHING to do with JFK’s demise.
‘Naitivity’
Surely this is a word (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/naive) Maybe not… When I first started this blog… (so many moons ago) I thought to myself, I thought: “Here is where I will write my Great American Novel” They will come. *alas* “fruition” is just a word. coming to same… is.. well… Forget You! (Yep! oft-times, I revert to … Continue reading
WoW! (Y’all will really want to see this one)
Been scrambling… to delete. Wow! Did I really post ‘that??? (hahaha! Yeah, I suppose I did) Sorry.. OKay! (I just had to) Why? Because I am in love with Rita. That is why.
Bob Dylan & Me
Back in some day (mine) when I had been recently introduced to pot, I found me in my step-sister’s bedroom. A guy came in (yes, he was a ‘guy’–older–I was twelve), and he pointed to a poster on the wall of my step-sis. (The poster was of Bob Dylan). ‘the guy’ asked me, rather demanded … Continue reading
Life is Strange
Somewhere about five years ago, I was paid something in the region of $183,093 per year. Yep. To keep Y’all safe. Yep. To Keep Y’all safe. Now, I am paid somewhere south of ten dollars per hour, to keep y’all’s packages safe. The math don’t add up. But… actually. It does. Men (and wimmen) are … Continue reading
I Do Not Want To…
OverState The Obvious, But… You have to “drill down’. Do it. Drill Down.
I write…
I write some really esoteric shit. Yep. Do. As any who follow… will have noticed… I do not have nor write/written much, of late. There is a reason for this (yes; trust me) The raison d’etre is, … I have nothing to say (that, of course, is a lie) but… I have, (really have) been … Continue reading
Gainful Employment, Part Duh
Preface: Lance (LIFE) is An Angry Man. An Angry White Man. Now. That (above) is just for fun What means this? Nothing. Just thought I’d say it. Why? “Dunno.” Read On. (Oh! And One Last THING: If you do not follow the links, well, do not come back to me crying: “Lance! I don’t get … Continue reading
