Computer Gaming Ruined No Less Than Three Of My Marriages
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(Please Just Watch All The Videos I Stole) Great News! Bill Just Released A New Video! Now I Am In The Middle Of My Happy-Lance-Break-Dance! “The Genius That is Bill Wurtz”
I just want folks to enjoy some of the things that enrich my life.
And perhaps maybe hopefully even enrich yours.
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Martha Gellhorn: I Find Her Extraordinarily Sexy Smart. Please Watch The Video Tribute!
Martha was the best.
The BEST Woman I Never Had Privilege To Know… In Any Sense, Biblical or Otherwise, Continue reading
If You Are ‘A Madonna Hater’, I Humbly Suggest Y’all Skip This One.
Mo love
Mo love
Mo love
This post needs.
Mo Madonna Love
I love this woman.
If you have a brain, you do tool. You tool
She moves my body & MIND n ways my body ain’t supposed/designed to move. Continue reading
The Abusive Muse
“WAKE UP!”
“Whaaaa?”
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UBH Chapter Two
“Wait! Where is the help I was promised?”
“The doctor will be about shortly”
“Okay. I’ll wait.” Continue reading
Hits Way Too Close To My Home. JUST One More On My Mis-Adventures With Miss-Bitch Alcohol: Twenty-Eight Days & A ‘Wake-Up’ “Some Days, I Just Can’t Breathe”
Have I Ever Mentioned
How Much I Love, Worship, Admire, & Respect
Sandra Bullock?
I Have? Thought So.
N/M
Oldie, But Not-So-Goldie. “Under-Water Skiing” Self-Deprecation is the Easiest, Lowest, Form Of Humour (& Humility)
Stupid is as Stupid Does.
Thank You For Reminding Me Forrest Continue reading
Shoulda Left Las Vegas
Uh, DUh????
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Shonnie The Biker’s Wife Part VIII: “The Blackjack Enlightenment of Miss Jean Brodie… Er… I Meant ‘Shonnie’” I LOVE Veg’s! Wht Ws Yer First Clue?
Shonnie was growing tired and bitchy and mouthy so I called an end to the training session, satisfied enough by then with her understanding of the game. Continue reading
Shonnie The Biker’s Wife, Pt VI: Vegas’ ‘Soft Porn’, or ‘Blue Motel Room’
Shonnie Saga Continues (Unsuitable for minors and miners: Adult Content) Parts One Two Three Four Five *** She dropped her robe and lay back on the bed. I had to pause a moment and fill my eyes. Her petite body was perfection. She was very light-skinned (not my usual ‘type’—truly I have always been a … Continue reading
Shonnie, The Biker’s Wife. Part V: Vegas
Part V of My Shonnie Saga Parts One Two Three Four *** Our road trip to Vegas takes five hours and change. Once we got past San Bernardino and well into the desert I announced it was safe to drink and drive and ride. Therefore, we pulled over and had some cocktails. And smokes. Then … Continue reading
Shonnie, The Biker’s Wife, Part Four Yeh I ‘ctully Write this Shite. Yeh, My Keybord Is Still Broke-Dick Dog
Shonnie Saga: Part Four Parts One, Two, Three. We spent that Friday afternoon and most of Saturday enjoying the Bluegrass festival while swilling beers and smoking lots of cigarettes. During the late evenings we would share burgers, listen to all sorts of music on my little boom box, drink whiskey and have great sex. We … Continue reading
Please DO NOT READ THIS! IT Is A Self-PITY-PARTY: Shonnie, The Biker’s Wife, Part VII: “A Crappy Star Is Born.” I Uh… Yeah Well-Documented My Fuk-Ups Re: Shonnie. “I’m Losin’ My Taste For Fruit”
Shonnie was that quintessential keeper!
How did I let her slip AWAY??
How
Why?
Why???
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I Am Doll Parts, Or… “How I Came to Live in The Shit Hole Garage Apartment Which was not Really a Garage Apartment, but only a Shit-Hole Underneath a Garage Apartment.”
I Fake it so real I am beyond Fake. Continue reading
“AT Least I Didn’t Fake It” Pls Don’t Pls Don’t Tell Me How To Live….Thks
I Might’ve Been Monikered Lots Things in My Life, But …. Well, You Know….
Kitty Muster: Roll Call! Fall in! (You Pussys!) No State-Secret How Much I Love Cats.
Cats!!!
Love ‘Em.
Hate”Em!
Continue reading
Lucia!
Lisa and I struggled along after our or-hasty Marriage. Continue reading
This Still Makes Me Cry Whenever I Re-Live It. (Perhaps I should Stop Doing That) “The Funeral” DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU LOVE CATS. You have been properly warned.
This is a f*cked up sad, true story.
I need to not dwell.
Oh Well.
Sometimes revisited grief is the best kind.
It clears the mind
Reminds me that I am human
And Have Love Inside Me
And It Breaks My Heart Continue reading
I Love Ants. And Spiders. And Snakes. And All Manner of Critters In General. Yeah, I Am ‘Simple.’ “A Queen! A Queen! My Kingdom For A Queen!”
I Love All Creepy Crawly Things Continue reading
Sinai Field Mission. Or The Story of How Lance Lost His Mind and Later Found it Ferreted Away in His Pocket & Then Promptly Fell Hard For A Sabra (He Never Fully Recovered)
Shalom Y’all!
And Please Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned.
Again, And Again, And Again.
Generally With Gin
Re-Run! Re-Run! Re-Rum Alert! Please NEVER, EVER Varnish Your Cowboy Boots. Horrible Idea. Just Do NOT Do It! Trust me on this one Kids
Just Do NOT do it!
Trust me on this one Kids
Texans For Kinky UNITE! (Yes. Another Cowboy ‘Re-Boot’)
Now, for all y’all Texans out there in Radio Land, this Man needs no introduction. For Rest Of Y’all Un-Washed Masses, Please Allow Me To ‘Educate’ Y’all.
Molly on H. Ross Perot: A Repost
Molly! Yes! I Am A Closet Liberal, Tryin’ To Claw My Way Out of the Closet! Shhhh! Please Do NOT Quote Me.
Thks
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Shark Fishin’ For A Livin’. Updated Ver. 2
Consider the subtleness of the sea;
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This Post Is Wayyy Too Long. The Author Should Be Taken Out Back. And Shot. In The Head. Three Times. “Not Like Going Down The Pond Chasing Blue Gills Or Tommy Cots”–Quint
No More Peanut Stories.
Making Me
Melancholy!
When I Want
To be
Jolly
And Happy! Continue reading
WIP: Work In Continual Die-Gress! I Guess. Hahahaha! “I LOVE MY TEXAS (And Once Agin, Gin and WP Fu*ked My Edit–I Forgave The Gin, But Not The W’d-Press Sin)
I LOVE MY TEXAS Continue reading
Wastin’ Away Again In “Commerce-Ville”
Yup!
No New News To Be Found Here
Y’all Know This Drill: PLEASE Re-Visit–I DID. Tanks In Advance. “This Was Ostensibly Meant To Be A Tongue – in- Cheek Fun Post,
Food Makes Me Sick Continue reading
I Hate Haight/Asbury That Intersection Destroyed My Mother’s Mind. WP Will Not Allow Me to Edit This Go’damn Post! “If You Just Wanna Go Out Drinkin’ Honey, Won’t You Invite Me Along Please?”
Life was hard on me back then,
Because I did not know my left foot from my right foot.
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Being The Sad Story and Lamentable Fate of the Good and Gracious Mister Peabody: A Thomas Turkey
It Was Self-Defense
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Re-Boot: “On The Street Where I Lived”
All the houses on Bruning Street were brand new. And they were all alike. But their alikeness did not dampen my spirits, especially since mom and I had left the moldy old garage apartment across town. I had finally escaped that place and the Ghost of that Murdered Turkey. Continue reading
Yes. I am A Moron! My Thanks-For-Giving-A Shit Is Rapidly Approach-Cha-Ching. Cha-Ching! Cha-Ching! And I’ll Cry If I Want To…
Once, during a Thanksgiving, we were all seated about the solid oak table (sat 14) in the ‘Great Hall’ of Marcom Manor Continue reading
This Post is all over-some-place- Sorry. Just My Re-Livin’ My UBH Experience(s)
i MISS HER RAPIER WIT!
i WAS iNSTANT IN FUKKKIN LOVE WITH HER! Continue reading
So, The Commerce PD Just Arrested ME. Arrested Me & Returned me to the Hospitably Hos-spittal -al. And All that Magical Magic Would Entail For Me: The Commerce, American Hospital.
Whaaaa the Fuk? Continue reading
Did I ACTUALLY WRITE THIS SHITE?! Someone, Anyone! Please Put Me Away Hahaha! ‘Insanity’ is Such A Lonely / Lovely Word–As is “Honesty” Lonely…
Just to remember who I was supposed to fukken be. Went to the hospital, They Reminded Me Of who I was supposed to be. Continue reading
This Post is for Jim Rezba–Days/Months/Years/ Tears & Beers. Lots Of Jeers–Of Our Time Spent Together In Basra, Iraq–Becoming The Very Best Of Friends
Eye-Rack Continue reading
Lima Ohio? (Or Just A Mole With a Hair In It?)
I am an arrogant Texan, but I love Lenny Bruce. A man just about as far from removed from Texan as one could ever be. (Except maybe George Bush the Elder) Continue reading
C’est Moi, And Still “Missing The Most Interesting Man In Iraq”
I miss his dumb ass (and ‘dumb-ass’ is a term of endearment where I come from)
If one is lucky, really lucky, one meets maybe one, two, or three or four people in life that transcend funny. Bob-The Mechanic Was Just Such A Person
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Moldy-Oldie Re-Run Alert! Very-Slightly Re-Worked. But I Really Enjoyed ‘Re-Writing’ This One… And I Do Hope Y’all Will Enjoy ‘Re-Reading’ This Newly ‘Expanded’ Version.
Goat Lover,
Where Be You Now? Continue reading
In My ‘Not So Humble Opinion’ One of the BEST Movies To Come Out Of The ‘Cultural Wasteland’ That Was/Were ‘The Nineteen Nineties’ And As Most Of Y’all Know, I Live & Die On The Internet: Mostly Just Die
“If music be the food of love, play on”
–Orsino From ‘Twelfth Night’
In Spite of What I (Allegedly) Wrote Below, I Really Am A Fan… of Bobby Darin… “Ah So! Metta Mook.”
Who Am I Kidding?
No-One ever Calls Me
(Unless They want Money) Continue reading
Daily Lenny: Uncle Earl (of Louisiana)–A “Re-Poster, Poster” C’est Vrai: C’est Moi. That Is All, Y’all
I Have Never Been To Louisiana! Hahahah! Y’all Doan B’Lieve Me?!
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Quoth The Raven, “Nevermore”–And Thank You Edgar.
The Greatest Texan
Sam Houston Continue reading
OK. Very Last Re-Run, Then I’m Done. Believe me? Good. I Also Have A Bridge For-Sale, (Not Cheap, But Affordable)
C’mon Yall!
Let’s love this one!
Again.
Yes.
Memory Lance – Lane Continue reading
Sorry Kiddos, But I Felt ‘Compelled’ to Resurrect This One: “Hooray For Hollywood?! Wish I Could… Still Give Two Shits. Yet The Magic Has Gone. Long Gone. So Long! So Wrong!”
Please re-read.
I added a Daddy Snippet….
Under the Rainbow.
Cannot believe I did not include this in the orig. Continue reading
The ‘REAL REASON’
Weeping For My Country
Continue reading
I NEVER Purposely Mean to Offend. But I Have Reached That Age / Stage In Life Whereby I Am Just No Longer Capable Of Giving A Flying Fu*k.
I Am Just A ‘Simple’ Man: Simple Wants, Simple Needs, Simple Desires. In Short: I Am A ‘Simpleton’
Missing Ship’s Movement—Worst ‘Sin’ In The USN. Court Martial Offense. Walk-The-Plank Sentence Immanent
Young Rookie Sailors Missing Planning Ahead Capacities Continue reading
Updated & Had to Add! Arabia (Amman, Chapter The First) “Maggie” Or, “Lance-of-Arabia” Or, “Nothing is Written”
Maggie and Hala Used to Sing This Song around Our Office In Amman.
They Were So Charming!
I miss them so much! Continue reading
Updated/Expanded: Added A Magnificent Documentary About Israel. Profanity ALERT! I Have Very STRONG Emotions About Egypt & Israel–Israel, My Favorite Country (Aside from TEXAS That Is…)
Hava Nagila Hava Continue reading
Barbara Jordan: A Courageous, Eloquent, Brillant Texas Woman. She Makes Me So Very Proud of My Texan Heritage.
Texas Don’t Make ‘Em Any Better Than She
This Movie… This Book… This Author…
And Just When You Thought It Safe To Read One Of My Posts…
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This Post is all Fukk’d Yup… Word-Press is Ass-Hole! I Will Love to Death, Anyone Who “Likes” This Post! Screw It! I May Be Slightly Inebriate! Yep! C’est Moi! P.S., I Am In-Love With Jackie V (Does It Show? Thought So)
Huh???
Whut?
Why Not? Continue reading
And Yes! EVEN More! Even MORE Random Memories from The Middle East: “The Road to Sharm el Sheikh”
I sped off still heading south. Continue reading
More Random Memories from the Middle East: Still Sinai
The IDF soldier navigated down the hill as Janet got ‘properly’ dressed inside our tent to greet our visitor. Continue reading
Still Yet Even More Random Memories from the Middle East: SCUBA (Self-Contained-Under-Water Breathing Apparatus—Invented By Jaques Cousteau–A Frenchman)
I Still MISS Her
HELL! i STILL MISS ALL MY EX-WIVES!
I LOVED Them All–Semi-Equally Continue reading
May Be Worth ‘A-Re-Look’–California Is Still Breaking My Heart. “All The Leaves Are Brown And My Sky is Gray” I Am A Texan: This Is Not New News…
The California That I loved so Much is Dead to me Now.
This Hurts My Heart.
More Than You Can Possible Know. Continue reading
The Wino And I Know. “Yeah, Livin’ My Life Like A Song.”
Lance ‘Sound-track’
“I’m Just Livin’ My Life Like A Song”
Outta Tune, But, So What? I Make My Own Kind Of Music Continue reading
“It’s Mid-Night, But It’s All Right, ‘Cause I Got Two More Bottles of Wine” (Literally!) “And, So Sorry My Liver; Just Endeavor To Keep On Hangin’ On.”
I LOVE MY LIFE! Continue reading
I Want Another Little Jewish Princess. Just Before I Departed For Israel, Well, Actually The Sinai Desert, My Maternal Grand-Mother Felt ‘Compelled’ To Impart This Wisdom Upon Me:
I Loved Israel.
And Israeli Women!
Always Shall Continue reading
How Now Brown Cow? Daily Lenny: Carnegie Hall Part II. Only Lenny Fans Need Apply; All Others Will Be Taken Out Back & Shot (Just Kiddin’ Y’all)
Lenny Bruce!!
Git Yer “Lenny” On!
Continue reading
Morons/Assholes ‘R’ Us! Well, Lance Anyhow.”I’m An Asshole, And I’m Proud Of It.”–Denis Leary (& Lance Anthony Marcom)
I AM A “Humble Man’
Believe That Shite? If You Answer ‘Yes’
You Hve Swerved Onto The Wrong Page. You Should’ve Taken That OTHER Turn At Albuquerque–Just Sayin’ Continue reading
I Wish I Could Be This Brave. I Never Shall Be. No Matter How Much I Desire To Be. I Am Far Too Vain, And Way Too Full of Myself.
I Can NEVER Even Aspire To Be This Brave, Nor Possess Such A Heart.
Isn’t THAT Funny! Me! Mister Navy SEAL Trainee X 2! Continue reading
You’re Not in Kansas Anymore Dorothy
I Shall NEVER/EVER Stop Loving & Respecting Her! Continue reading
Embedded in My Last Women List: Had to Re-Post This: That Girl From Ipanema Made Me Do It. Women! Love Them! Cannot Get Enough of Them! I’m a Slut/Sailor. What Can I Say?
Ipanema Girl!
And
Dorothy HamillAnd Stupid Lance-A-Not!
Continue reading
“Lady Luck” or “Bewitched, Bothered, & Bewildered” You Choose. (WIP) And Of Course, This Really Ain’t Fiction. I Just Changed Some Names–To Protect… N/M
Lost Wages
Lost Mind
Lost Soul
Doncha Know? Continue reading
I Have Never Claimed To Possess Any Small Semblance of Discernible Intelligence, But I Keep Strivin’ To ‘Sailor-On’ And Entertain Both of my Readers
“Huh? Uh… Lance? Are You Okay”
“No” Continue reading
“Operation Entebbe”– More To Come On This Subject—And Y’all Already Know I’m Lying–Sue Me! Good Luck With That! I Keep All of OJ’s Lawyers On Retainer.
(Took Me A Few Months To Learn Just Enuff Hebrew To Get Me Into Serious Trouble… But Learned Hebrew, I Did–Much To My Chagrin…)
I arrived thirteen months and change after the ‘Event’. Continue reading
The Idiot And The Odyssey. Oh My Fukken Gawd! Lost At Sea! But I Got A One-Way Ticket For My “Destination” ‘Destination?’–I Suppose San Dog Must Suffice (In-A-Pinch Of Vice)
What An Adventure My Life Has Been. I Have Truly Been Blessed! (And THIS From An ATHEIST!) HAHAHAHA! Continue reading
Jury Duty, Texas Style: Sentence, GUILTY! Too Sad / Too Bad That Your Lame-Ass Lawyer Stepped On My Ego. I’m Sorry Johnson, Wherever You May Be Now-A-Days….
I Still Carry My Shame Around In My Left Hip Pocket. Just to Remind Me of What An Asshole I Can Be… Continue reading
Jury Duty, Texas Style: Chapter Four
Jury Had To Make A Decision.
Damn! I Didn’t Wanna. I Mean, Who Was I? A Criminal, That’s Who. A Criminal Who NEVER Got Caught. “There But For The Grace of God, Go I” Continue reading
Jury Duty, Texas Style, Part Three
Yes! I Love My Life’s Experiences Continue reading
Jury Duty, Texas Style Part Two
Believe it or Do Not, But I Enjoyed My Experience On Jury Duty. At Least I Was NOT, For Once, On the Wrong Side of The LAW. Continue reading
A Slightly Expanded Re-Boot: Please Read The Atheist Part: “Jury Duty, Texas Style” Or, If You Will, “Twelve Angry Men–And Women.”
On the appointed day I dutifully showed up at the Hunt County Courthouse (in a borrowed car) along with about one hundred twenty thusly cursed potential selectees. Continue reading
I So Very Mother Fu*king Much Miss My Sister. This is a Work of FICTION! Because I Do Not Know if There is a Statute of Limitations on Arson. Not One Word Is Truth, Ruth.
Back in the mid – Seventies, Madelyn worked at a joint in Bonham, Texas: ‘Richard’s Jeans’. Continue reading
Ex-Panda-X-PandeRRR-Re-Red, Re-Tread: — Please Re-Visit. “Richard’s Lame-Ass Jeans Store, Chapter Four– Stupid is as Stupid Does.” I Risked My Freedom For My Love of My Sister. Yep, But It Was Worth It.
THIS IS FICTION!
Wanna Buy A Bridge?
I Have one for sale
Cheap
A Bargain at any price
HAHAHAHAHA!
“I Have Of Late, Though Wherefore I Know Not, Lost All My Mirth” There is too Much Macbeth/Hamlet/Coleridge Residing Within Me! ‘Tis A Curs’d Curse Albatross That Hangs About My Neck.
I’m Gonna Re-Post This B’cuz I Am An Idiot & It Is A Shakespeare Kind-o-Day Continue reading
Rickie Lee! (“Lookie Here Y’all”)
No! No ‘Optional Excepts.
Not Today.
Anyway… Continue reading
Rickie Lee Teaser—Part Duh–Rickie Lee, Just Like Joni–Fascinates & Captivates Me
Yeah.
Rickie Lee Today
It is that kind of day!
Okay? Continue reading
Bonus On-This-“Mouse-House” I Forgot To Drop In The Navy Hymn. I Am Such A Moron!—Fixed Now. Time For Chow! On Today’s Menu: ‘Hydraulic Sandwiches’
I feel so honored to have been allowed to serve on two ships in two war zones and given the opportunity to attend SEAL training, even though I did not measure up, at least I showed up.
Twice Continue reading
I LOVE This Movie! The Reasons Should Be Blatantly Obvious! And To Quote Forrest: “That’s All I’m Gonna Say About That.”
NAVY: ALL-THE-WAY! Continue reading
Michelle, My Belle (I Wished!)
Was I Born Stupid, Or Did I Have To Work On It? Continue reading
Upon First Meeting Michelle—Did Not Go So Well. And Someone, Anyone, Please Remind Me To Write About The Navy ‘Saturday Scholars’ Program, For Which I Had Volunteered–I Thank You In Advance
I LFell Head-Over-Heels For Her!
Alas, She Did NOT Fall For Me
But I Kept Tryin’ To ‘Win’ Her
Failed Miserably…
Continue reading
Today is “Re-Run-Tuesday”–Sorry Kids. “Girl Walks Into A Bar…”
Bars and
Stars!
And Stripes!
And My Colors Don’t Run!
I am a Patriotic Son
But…Call Now! And We’ll DOUBLE THE OFFER!
I Adore Her!
Absolutely Adore Her Continue reading
If I Hear Just-One-More Asshole Reee-Iter-Ate “January Sixth” I Swear To GOD I Will Go Into Tasmanian Devil Mode! Trust Me: It Will NOT Be Pleasant To Watch.
I Am Molvin’ To Montana Soon!
Gonna Be A Dental Floss Tycoon
Continue reading
“Escape From Memphis—Chapter Three—Shawn & My Insanity.” And Yet One Mo’ Time… WordDepress’d Has Dun Piss’d Me Righteously The Fuk OFF! Takes No Less Than 3 ‘Edits’ Just To Make One ‘Stick!’
So they put me on a stretcher and schlepped me out of the Hotel Magnuson. Continue reading
“Insanity” Is Just A Scare Word. It’s Only A State of Lost Mind. Please Read This. If Only To Merely Validate The Current Condition of My Condition. Or, “Eight Miles Out Of Memphis And I Got No Spare”
I Love New York City
Continue reading
Hamas, Gaza, IDF, Israel, Intifada, and U.S. (us) And why Should We Care? HINT: We Should. It’s Actually Very Important–To Me At Least.
Some of you may know of my history in the Mideast. Most of you may not. Some of you may know I get emotional about issues. Continue reading
Yes! Yes! Yes! I Know! I Only Very Recently Posted This, But I Am Sorely Missing The Wonderful Times I Spent In The Middle East. “How old are you?” – “Three wars, and still growing.”
Yes!
I Fell In-Love With Her At First Sight/Read!
Someday,
Inshallah, I hope to be this Brave.
J’espere Continue reading
I’ve Probably Seen This Movie No Less Than Ten Times Over The Years–Watching It Again. If There Exists A Book, Most Likely I Have Read It–At Least Four Or Five Times. But I Honestly Cannot Recall.
A CLASSIC! Continue reading
Oh Mesico! Lance, You Lie: Chapter Six–Note to Self: “Self, Finish The Edit Later”–Some Names Have Been ‘Mortified’ To Protect The Guilty. And, Yes: I Have Been In A Mexican Jail–For Three Glorious Days!
There were a few other escapades no less bizarre during this time, but I won’t recount them here. Continue reading