Here is a PSA: DO NOT FUCK WITH ME

Here is a PSA: DO NOT FUCK WITH ME

Some youngish Black Bitch knocked upon my door (at zero four)Probably a whore“Are you alright?” she asked. “I heard something.” (Which is Bullshit)“Well, what did you hear?” I asked. She just rolled her eyes and walked away.These ppl don’t know who they are attempting to fuck with: I’m crazy (and dangerous)And I am packing: Big … Continue reading

ASSHOLES! SLAMMING DOORS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

ASSHOLES! SLAMMING DOORS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

And Therefore Disrupting My State of Somnambulistic Glorious Oblivious Glee. Just trying to catch a few Z’s here.Slamming Doors!Why??? What the fuck??? Why must you do this???I live here in the Lion’s Den Apartments as quiet as a Church Mouse.I know how to open and close a fucking door without awakening the dead.Because I RESPECT … Continue reading

Things That Go Bump In My Night

Things That Go Bump In My Night

Zero four hundred hours and I am taking (trying to) take a nap. Bang! Clang! Bump! Crash! Boom! All of this emanating from my next-door neighbor, Timothy’s apartment. Our shared wall separating us was shaking, vibrating. I got out of bed, opened my back door expecting to see police cars or ambulances arriving. Nope All … Continue reading

NYC (Or CNN) Or Le Both, Ruined My New Year’s Eve Experience!

NYC (Or CNN) Or Le Both, Ruined My New Year’s Eve Experience!

I LOVE NYC (or at least my fantasy nostalgic version of it from The Forties)For Lance, The New Year Only Begins when New York City drops that Big Ball in Times’ Square.This year they ‘Dropped the Proverbial Ball.” (Or did drop the Actual Beautiful Big Shiny Ball–I honestly don’t know–Because–CNN) And chose to broadcast fucking … Continue reading

I Want Another Jewish Princess

I Want Another Jewish Princess

Reminiscing about my rebound lover from my living in Israel days… After That Moroccan Bitch Gladys had dumped me, I found a new, better girl. Her name was ‘Alanna’  And she was beautiful—very, very, VERY beautiful. First time I saw her I was smitten like a kitten. She had very long dark hair and even … Continue reading

MANHATTAN PROJECT

MANHATTAN PROJECT

I cannot scare up anything original or clever to say about this movie. Because I am stupid and shallow. Or “Shallow and Stupid” (I don’t know which order works better for ‘literary’ purposes) **** Best I can muster: It is brilliant and  It is all about writing and writers and relationships. And Mariel Hemingway is … Continue reading

Hamsterdam (Apologies to ‘The Wire’- Wonderful TV Series)

Hamsterdam (Apologies to ‘The Wire’- Wonderful TV Series)

Way back in the day when I was a wee child and living in Kansas City with My Daddy and my Evil Step- Mom DJ, I had a pet hamster. He was an infant hamster, so I had to feed him out a very tiny baby milk bottle. I loved feeding him so much in … Continue reading

Annie! Don’t Get Your Gun—We Cool–Lah Dee Dah

Annie! Don’t Get Your Gun—We Cool–Lah Dee Dah

I grew bored watching “Independence Day“ Couldn’t finish it. Was just wasting my time. I love sci-fi and of course I have seen this film already a few times. It was better years ago, but it just does not age well. So I pulled the plug on it and moved on. I selected a real … Continue reading

HANK SANK

HANK SANK

One more silly Facefuk post: “The below ‘Independence Day’ speech was lifted right out of ‘Henry V’ (Or ‘Hank Cinq’—as I like to call it) Saint Crispin’s Day: The Battle of Agincourt Watch Le Both (If you are a film buff) But do it quickly, because FaceFuck will most likely delete this for ‘copyright violation.’ … Continue reading

More Shit That Makes Me Happy

More Shit That Makes Me Happy

Maybe it will make you happy too Related Credit: Pharrell Williams Credit: Sam O’Nella You gots to be mo’ careful: Credit: Sam O’Nella Credit: Sam O’Nella Emmylou is so drop-dead beautiful (and so ‘feisty’ in this performance. I love love LOVE her!) Linda goes to Mars and leaves her mind behind. (I can certainly relate) … Continue reading

Oh Domino’s!

Oh Domino’s!

So I ordered some more nasty food from Domino’s. Delivery gal shows up with my order. “You got a receipt for me to sign?” “No. You’re good,” she said “That’s a shame, ‘cause I wanted to add in a cash tip for your prompt diligent delivery service. But since I cannot do that, here is … Continue reading

Continuing Saga of My Favorite Wife: Rhonda

Continuing Saga of My Favorite Wife: Rhonda

(Video Credit: Brian) Yes. Yes I know! I skipped quite ahead with my last ‘Rhonda Post.’ Now I am gonna try to fill in the blanks and the timeline. (Shit! Just realized some of this is ‘rerun.’) Sorry Kids. Fuck it. I’ll get to the Next Chapter Tomorrow. For reference So one day she showed … Continue reading

Word to Anyone Who is Wise

Word to Anyone Who is Wise

This is a stupid post and pieced together from some stupid Facebook posts of mine. Some of it repeats itself. Please be kind if you choose to comment, I am mentally challenged. And yeah I know: the above is a classic example of a ‘comma splice.’ This was intentional in honor of one of my … Continue reading

“Linda & Lance Go To Mars” (And They Lived Happily Ever After)

“Linda & Lance Go To Mars” (And They Lived Happily Ever After)

Yet one more stupid FaceBork Post: “I gotta repost this post and allow me to enlighten and explain to you why: At least thirty-three percent of the songs are songs that JOhnny Whitley reminded me of or turned onto for the very first time. Thank you Johnny:  My good, great newly re-discovered friend from “The … Continue reading

Dandy Don

Dandy Don

I used to love watching the Cowboys play football. Pro Football today is not worth a cup of warm spit. This is my opinion and I am not shy about expressing it. Come back and hit this link after you finish reading this ‘marvelous’ post. Somewhere below is a wonderful tribute to the “Original Dallas … Continue reading

Never Piss Off Your Prostate (If You Do, You’ll Never Piss Again- And Then You Will Die)

Never Piss Off Your Prostate (If You Do, You’ll Never Piss Again- And Then You Will Die)

It is taking me longer and longer to piss these days. As I was seated on the shitter trying to take a piss (now I sit down to piss—I know that is weird for a man, but my aim ain’t what it used to be). Anyway, couldn’t piss—needed to—so I dialed up my prostate: “Hey … Continue reading

B&B (No! Not Bed & Breakfast)

B&B (No! Not Bed & Breakfast)

I tortured my Facebook friends with these; figured I’d torture my WordPress friends as well. What the Hell, right? ”Sharing is CARING.” Original FB text from my three demented posts: “Hey Baby.” You will laugh (If you’re sick and demented like me) (Vid compilation credit: Gary Diablo) More sick humor.(definitely NOT for everyone) You’re welcome. … Continue reading

Julie and Julia

Julie and Julia

This is one of the most charming movies from ‘semi recent’ times. It works on all levels. It is a delight to watch. P.S. I love Amy Adams. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. (Meryl Streep ain’t no slouch neither) And of course, this movie is all about ‘writing’ which hits so close to home for me, … Continue reading

Indigo Girls A Revisit: CALLEN

Indigo Girls A Revisit: CALLEN

One night we got into an argument. No. That is WRONG. We had a minor ‘disagreement.’ over some bullshit. Callen was too sweet to get into an argument. (And I was so very fond of her) I would never, ever, ever do anything to truly upset her. She had one broken wing. I wasn’t gonna … Continue reading

FUCK YOU CNN!

FUCK YOU CNN!

Come on CNN! Why do you keep running the same shit on a loop? This ‘Anti-Trump’ shit. There is ‘Real News’ happening all over the world: Southeast Asia India South America Somalia Waco (Joke, by the way. Nothing ever happens in Waco–well once something happened, but that is ancient history–Waco got over it. And migrated … Continue reading

My Depth of Depravity Knows No Bounds (Could Be Worse I suppose)

My Depth of Depravity Knows No Bounds (Could Be Worse I suppose)

What precisely is ‘chicken flavor’ and with other ‘natural’ flavors? I cannot believe I am actually about to eat this shit. A rat came by and begged a portion. Since I am generous to a fault I gave him one. He ate it and then promptly dropped dead. (Sorry Benny) I set my plate aside … Continue reading

More Shit From My War With Facebork

More Shit From My War With Facebork

This post was censored by Those Assholes: Anyone who claims to know me (or at least has ‘read’ me—specifically my texantales.com com blog knows I am rather ‘Texan-Centric.’ There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is that I LOVE MY HOMELAND, Where I was conceived, born, and reared (as aside from … Continue reading

Green Onions

Green Onions

Since no one on my ‘Farce-Book’ Page seems to appreciate this, Thought I’d Post it for  My REAL READERS. The only ones I truly give a shit about. Orig FaceFuck Post: “Magical, very sexy video Almost soft porn OK. I think I am done ‘Shitposting,’ for today. Maybe, but unlikely.” Video credit: RetroTVCentral”

FIERCEST LINEBACKER IN THE HISTORY OF LINEBACKERS: Dick Butkus, The Maestro of Mayhem

FIERCEST LINEBACKER IN THE HISTORY OF LINEBACKERS: Dick Butkus, The Maestro of Mayhem

I was a linebacker when I played school-boy football for the Honey Grove Warriors (1970’s) I tried to be as fierce as Dick Butkus. I came close, but never quite made it. No one could have. Back when pro football was worth watching: “MOBY DICK IN A GOLDFISH BOWL” This is a “stolen” video from … Continue reading

HOT MAMA (Or “No Thanks. Food Makes Me Sick.”)

HOT MAMA (Or “No Thanks. Food Makes Me Sick.”)

If I get really drunk, I may try to eat this pickle. And then I will seek out the Alien from “Alien” and kiss him on the lips. **** Update: Opened the package. Took a bite. One of the most disgusting things I have ever tasted–and I have eaten food from street vendors in Cairo. … Continue reading

More IN the Continuing Saga of My Abusive Muse

More IN the Continuing Saga of My Abusive Muse

(Video Share Credit: Boston 4 Evaa) Muse returns from her brief sojourn to Waco to see another ‘client.’ (Apparently She was prepared to try witchcraft on me now–she had ‘tried’ reason–logic–chastisement–nothing seemed to be working. So now, Witchcraft. Good Luck with that, Muse.) “What have you been doing?” She enquires. “Working On Rhonda-Whatever-The-Fuck Chapter it … Continue reading

Melanie!

Melanie!

The more I discover about this woman, the more I fall in fantasy love with her. She is so fucking charming. She captivates and fascinates. My God! But she is a beautiful woman! And she can sing en français! And MOST Important: She WRITES. “Mel, why did I NOT ever run into you? I would … Continue reading

I Need a Brand New Key

I Need a Brand New Key

(Video Credit: alecwally23) I need a New Key: This One I got Ain’t User Friendly. *** Why do I make my life so difficult? I just got home from my drunken beer run. Yes, I know! I promised to never drive While Blind. Guess what? I broke that promise. Anyway… I broke that premise, promise. … Continue reading

TEXAN WOMEN

TEXAN WOMEN

(Credit: Dating Beyond Borders) All the beautiful women still left in California who haven’t yet moved to Texas are just busily packing their bags. (Give them some time—they are on their way) But they gonna have a lot of competition: We have indigenous beautiful women here. You Cali-Girls don’t stand a chance. Because God Blessed … Continue reading

Minnow Madness

Minnow Madness

One time during an “outing” to my Marcom 40 acre plot of land (the one with the three ponds–two smallish, one largish), I was with Peanut, Gene, Preston, Okry, and Sherri Taylor (not sure how she came to tag along with us, but there she was, among us—providing eye candy. For she was so stunningly … Continue reading

Is This Love Erin? Yep. From Where I Sit It Certainly Is

Is This Love Erin? Yep. From Where I Sit It Certainly Is

(Video Credit: DARK FIRE30) I’m Really Really REALLY infatuated with Erin Burnette. I don’t even know why. Maybe because she is smart. And so well-educated. This draws me. Like a moth to a flame. I LOVE smart women. Cannot resist them. (She absolutely is very intelligent–there is no debate on this fact) Maybe because she … Continue reading

DEAD GUPPY

DEAD GUPPY

As MOST of you know, I used to own a “Pet Shoppe.” Well actually it was just a Tropical Fish Store In Nacogdoches, Texas. Tropical Fish is all we sold. (and a few-odd Crustaceans–just for fun) This Monty Python bit cracks me up. Customer walks into my store. “My guppy died.”  (I had a three-day … Continue reading

Lance In The Lion’s Den: Take Two

Lance In The Lion’s Den: Take Two

Got this under my door this morning: The door with the “Do Not Disturb” tag on the door knob. (Which just appeared one day as if by magic) Yeah: They’re onto me and my ‘ways.’ No One fucks with me. Smart move on their part. I LOVE living here! The Management actually gives a shit. … Continue reading

Rhonda: Chapter Two and a Half

Rhonda: Chapter Two and a Half

One night after some passionate love- making, I rolled over, looked at Rhonda and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” She rolled over and said, “Don’t.” How could this White – Trash Okie Woman possess such much subtle knowledge and inject it into my mind? Of course, I fell even more madly … Continue reading

“I’m in a ‘transitional period.’”

“I’m in a ‘transitional period.’”

Here’s the situation: “I’m in a ‘transitional’ period.” “Normally, I’d just fuck you up and move on.” (Yeah, I mangled the quote. So fuck’n what. I even edit Tarantino. That is just how pompous and arrogant I am.)

Rhonda Chapter (I forget)

Rhonda Chapter (I forget)

While working as a calibration technician at “Spam” Instruments, One day this broad shows up as a ‘co-worker.’ Let’s call her name ‘Rhonda.’  For that was her Christian Name. We were working in tight quarters in a smallish factory room. Me calibrating my ass off. She assembling gauges her ass off. We almost fell in … Continue reading

And So This is (Not) Christmas

And So This is (Not) Christmas

And so this is Christmas? Thanksgiving got fucked in the ass. Now Christmas is cancelled. Fuck You 2020! Video Credit: Stavros Sklavos Okay, just to prove I am not a complete asshole, I drop in some humor: Video Credit: Bocu Music Group MERRY CHRISTMAS TEXAS!

I am not “Obelisk” to YOU

I am not “Obelisk” to YOU

Just a stolen Facebork Post Of Mine I thought I’d SHARE: “Since obelisks/ monoliths seem to be popping up all over the place, I thought I’d post this for hysterical reference: (See comment section for a link to JUST ONE Article if you have not been keeping up with Current Events–LMAO!) This Breaking News Brought … Continue reading

Rhonda: Chapter Le Premier

Rhonda: Chapter Le Premier

This ain’t Rhonda, but a pretty (really pretty) reasonable facsimile. (Just like Rhonda) Once Janet and I had escaped (In the middle of the night) from Nacogdoches, after having sold out and sold our “Aquarium World” Crud-Eater Tropical Fish Emporium to a young couple for not nearly what it was worth, we headed to Plano. … Continue reading

Israel: My Favorite Country (aside from TEXAS)

Israel: My Favorite Country (aside from TEXAS)

So Iran is pissed off at Israel. Threatening Israel. HEY IRAN! FUCK AROUND. FIND OUT! Israel has the strongest, best military in the Mideast. They have the fiercest soldiers. They have the best technology. What you gonna do Iran? Throw rocks against nukes? Good fucking luck with that. As anyone who knows me, knows I … Continue reading

MUSIC BINGO

MUSIC BINGO

They threw a lot of “Mental Health Professionals” at us in Denton. They all had some “Game.” One of the more enjoyable “Games’ we played at UBH Denton was “Music Card Bingo.” Sorta like “Name That Tune” For Broken PPL As you can see, I did quite well. It actually was FUN. We truly all … Continue reading

Return To Sender

Return To Sender

(Video credit: ticktock70) I ordered a new mind from Amazon dot com. (cost me some big bucks) But I think they delivered it to the wrong address. Anybody seen it? (It will be a very small package, marked ‘Fragile’ and Easily overlooked amongst all the bills and shit) Will be the package with the addressee … Continue reading

PISS OFF

PISS OFF

Some bitch neighbor (not Timothy—who has not hit me up for a free beer in over a week—“Thank you, Tim”, by the way: I am NOT drinking for two), came pounding on my door. “Why do you flush the toilet so much?” Apparently she can hear that toilet flush through the wall and it disturbs … Continue reading

Cowboys (And Cowgirls) And Muses

Cowboys (And Cowgirls) And Muses

Not your fault. Our World is currently lacking in “astute.” (Yeah. I am an asshole.) Muse says (Yeah, She came home) says, “Where have all the Cowboys gone?” “There is one right here in front of you. Open your eyes.” “I’ll go wash the dishes; you go have a beer.” “There’s a good girl.” Then … Continue reading

Dumb Blondes

Dumb Blondes

LaSheeka hits me up on the handheld radio: “Lance come to the lobby; we have a situation.” “Okay. On my way.” Got there. Discovered some young blonde damsel in distress, Sobbing. “What’s the matter Girl?”  I asked. (LaSheeka looked at me and rolled her eyes—yeah, I caught that look—she and I were mind melded—almost mentally … Continue reading

No Warning Sign

No Warning Sign

Well, I just awoke from my coma. Thought I was good to go. But had to go: Take a Piss. Did that.  Mission accomplished. And then while trying to ‘navigate’ to my computer chair, fell flat on my ass, busting my head on something unforgiving while on my downward journey. And it fucking HURT. (I … Continue reading

Janis Ian handed my ass to me.

Janis Ian handed my ass to me.

Janis Ian handed my ass to me. I deserved this. (Because I am an asshole but had temporarily misplaced my ass.) Janis returned it to me with not-so-well wishes. I should have learned the truth at seventeen. But I didn’t. I am still studying and yet I remain optimistic for the future. Someday I just … Continue reading

Insanity

Insanity

Fuck You Bob! This Post is Becoming more and more about Melanie, and less and less about Dylan. The more I discover about this woman, the more I fall in fantasy love with her. She is so fucking charming. She captivates and fascinates. My God! But she was a beautiful woman!“Mel, why did I NOT … Continue reading

In Need of a Soft Woman

In Need of a Soft Woman

I feel really sick. I am not well. I wish now more than ever that I had a Good Woman to lay down beside me, wrap her arms around me, comfort me and hold me tight as I fall asleep. That is all I want at this moment: A kind, soft of nature, loving, caring … Continue reading

Sensitive/Not Sensitive (My Muse has left me—Permanent—She Returning to Olongapo City—Or Wherever-the-fuck she originated ‘From’—Good Riddance. She was always a pain in the ass anyhow. “Bon Voyage Bitch.”

Sensitive/Not Sensitive (My Muse has left me—Permanent—She Returning to Olongapo City—Or Wherever-the-fuck she originated ‘From’—Good Riddance. She was always a pain in the ass anyhow. “Bon Voyage Bitch.”

I’m fucking sensitive And Complicated. (And I’d like to remain that way) So if you are not ‘on-board’ with that, get the fuck outta my life. Because I will wreck your train. I will derail your ‘Vain Train.’ (I certainly have ‘derailed’ mine.) I am a fucking “professional” at derailing trains. Also pretty well-versed in … Continue reading

Attempted Sleep (Failed) Or… To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.

Attempted Sleep (Failed) Or… To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.

“The words of the prophetsAre written on the subway wallsAnd tenement hallsAnd whispered in the sounds of silence.” Need sleep. Turned off the TV. Turned off the lights. Turned off my computer monitor. Turned off the HVAC Turned off my mind. SILENCE. DARKNESS. Could not sleep. Too quiet. Not near dark enough. Trying to fall … Continue reading

No Ordinary Love

No Ordinary Love

Ethel, The Pirate’s Daughter sketched this ‘Self-portrait’ for me while we were enduring yet another long, boring, bullshit ‘help’ session at UBH Denton. She would often lay her head on my shoulder and grasp my hand and we got in trouble over this, ’cause there is ‘no touching’ in Looney Tunes Hospital. (We always sat … Continue reading

BREAKING NEWS: GNAT WAR ENDED–PEACE–IT IS A WONDERFUL THING.

BREAKING NEWS: GNAT WAR ENDED–PEACE–IT IS A WONDERFUL THING.

I have made a fateful decision: I have thrown in the Proverbial Towel And surrendered to The Gnats And sued for peace. I am exhausted and wounded and SPENT. I no longer have strength nor desire, nor resources (out of Raid) to continue this war. I fucking sued for peace. My Shame will forever dog … Continue reading

Hotel California. Uh, I mean Hotel Indigo: LaSheeka

Hotel California. Uh, I mean Hotel Indigo: LaSheeka

One night she got pissed off (she had a hair-trigger—I loved her for that) “Why don’t you just get a fucking job?!” (Screamed at some pan-handler at Hotel Indigo late one night.) I just walked away, but said to her, “Baby, calm down.” She replied, “These idiots just piss me off.” Had to concur. LaSheeka … Continue reading

Lovely Muse-Chapter: I couldn’t care less. Guess how many fucks I give. Take your time. I got nothing BUT time.

Lovely Muse-Chapter: I couldn’t care less. Guess how many fucks I give. Take your time. I got nothing BUT time.

Wake up call: Love Ladonia: “I like your twist, just stop tagging everything.” I could not disagree. Nor agree more. Thank you “Love Ladonia” (I was fucking born there, by the fucking way. What claim to fame do you have? How dare you to have the brass balls and the unmitigated gall and temerity to … Continue reading

Abusive Muse (Fuck it–I forgot what Chapter This Was Supposed To Be…)

Abusive Muse (Fuck it–I forgot what Chapter This Was Supposed To Be…)

Video Credit: Disturbed When I try to sleep I turn the volume on CNN. Because I cannot sleep in the Sound of Silence. I need White Noise. CNN always delivers. But tonight Fredo Cuomo is just too stupid to be stupid. He Has reached new levels and depths of stupid. Levels of stupid I thought … Continue reading

“Anybody got a match?”

“Anybody got a match?”

“Anybody got a match?” Yeah, I got a match: Bogie and Bacall. I have ‘swerved’ once more into Lauren ‘Bacal’ (Jewish spelling of her name before Hollywood COERCED her into changing it) and Bogie whirlwind of late. Great article. link below: https://www.biography.com/news/humphrey-bogart-lauren-bacall-relationship-marriage?fbclid=IwAR29mwY13msWcV5Sa5zof3mvbl-Lopb1AbsIYVx_QBGWABi5ItfIV1oGapY

Pandora, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World…

Pandora, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World…

Content cred: Julie Nolke *Ring Ring* “Hello?” “Is this GOD?” “Yes it is, My Son.” “I ain’t your Son. That would be that ‘other’ guy.” “Oh Sorry, Hey Zeus is the only one who ever calls me. What’s on your mind, My ‘Friend’?” “I just have a quick, simple question.” “Go on…” “Why did you … Continue reading

FaceBork and Word Suppressed

FaceBork and Word Suppressed

More News From the Front Lines of the Facebook/WordPress War **** This is Lance, convo’ing with Facebork and Word – Suppressed: “Customer Service” Hey Facebook and WordPress! Screw Both of YOU! Or perhaps you could screw each other. I would PAY real money to watch that PEEP-at-a-Geek Shit-Show. Here is an edit (Don’t Do it … Continue reading

“The Forgotten, Forsaken, Left-Behind Cantaloupe”

“The Forgotten, Forsaken, Left-Behind Cantaloupe”

Yes. Yes. Yes! I know! This is stupid, but I wanted to post something today while I continue to work on that “Great American Novel” From FB: “Alright, since I am a lazy son-of-a-bitch and cannot seem to get my shit together and I NEEDED to PUBLISH something today, ANYTHING, I published this! Screw it! … Continue reading

Shit That Makes Me Happy (OH, and Dick Latson–Those Memories Make Me Happy Too)

Shit That Makes Me Happy (OH, and Dick Latson–Those Memories Make Me Happy Too)

Ode to Dick Latson (who I have unfriended on FB, simply because he never ‘interacted’ with any of my posts. Look up my “Facebook Philosophy” series at texantales.com if you give a shit) (I worked for him for over ten years–gave him and his business the ‘best years of my life.’ For not much money. … Continue reading

Christmas Camp Wolfe, Iraq 2007

Christmas Camp Wolfe, Iraq 2007

One time while on R&R in Commerce with Roberta I hatched a plan. Since Parsons never seemed willing nor able nor wanted to… To recognize the great work and sacrifice My Men were providing in the service of The Mission, we were blowing up Saddam’s unexploded bombs so that they would not be turned into … Continue reading

Military Madness

Military Madness

Three-Star General Woodbridge to the troops: “Men, I suppose you’re wondering why I have assembled you here today…” Shouts from the men: “We love you General!” General Woodbridge continues, “Men, we have an important, almost impossible, very dangerous mission, but I know you brave men are up to the task at hand.” Private Marcom pipes … Continue reading

The Trouble With Lance And Beer Cans (And Tribbles)

The Trouble With Lance And Beer Cans (And Tribbles)

The major problem with being an alcoholic (semi-functioning one with a brain) is that you are smart enough to talk yourself out of necessary tasks that need to be tasked and stupid enough to not realize you are deluding yourself into thinking that nothing else matters, ‘cept maintenance drinking. This is a delicate tight-wire you … Continue reading

History of The Entire World–The Genius That is Bill Wurtz

History of The Entire World–The Genius That is Bill Wurtz

The Genius That is Bill Wurtz. I posted this on my Facebook Page. For my Friends to Enjoy, but It may have been over their heads. (Or maybe no one has time anymore to invest in watching something of quality—twenty second sound bites is what they want…) Now, I am not being arrogant. Nor pompous. … Continue reading

We Are Living In Progressive Times (Or at Least I am)

We Are Living In Progressive Times (Or at Least I am)

So, I suddenly realized that my auto insurance expired two days ago. I have been ‘with’ Progressive over 9 years for my insurance needs. Paying just the bare amount to be ‘legal’. Don’t need no ‘comprehensive.’ Don’t need a million dollars worth of collateral dead man walking compensation. Don’t need no protection from “Acts of … Continue reading

Abusive Muse Chapter Three and 3 Quarters

Abusive Muse Chapter Three and 3 Quarters

Dateline: 24 OCT 2020 Time: 0020 hours. Some knocking at my back door. “Who is it?” I said. “It’s your Muse. Open the damn door.” I open the ‘damn’ door and sure as shit there she stood, looking as radiant as ever. “Did you get a tan? Looks like you got a tan. It’s a … Continue reading

The Good Old Days Are Right Now

The Good Old Days Are Right Now

There are so many reasons today to rejoice. We are living in wonderful, vibrant times. Ponder this: you can communicate with anyone in the world with just a mouse click or a keyboard strike. Could anyone have imagined this just a decade or so ago? The opportunities we have today! It blows my mind (what … Continue reading

“You Got an EBP?”

“You Got an EBP?”

“EBP?” This means “Eye-Ball Problem.” Generally a statement hurled from a black woman at someone who is staring at her. I love strong black women (Hell! I don’t think I have ever met a weak black woman–they just do not exist.) Anyway… Here is my “EBP” story. It is very ‘light,’ so don’t get excited. … Continue reading

Indigo Girl 2: Callen

Indigo Girl 2: Callen

If Jenna was the ‘air-brushed’ perfection, professional beautiful angel, then it follows… yin and yang: Callen was the unkempt, unsteady, unreliable, super lazy blonde stoner / juicer who did not give a fuck. Half the times she showed up for work she was slightly stoned, or drunk, or a combination of the two. And Of … Continue reading

Indigo Girls Chapter One: Jenna

Indigo Girls Chapter One: Jenna

First “Indigo Girl”: JENNA My First night working at Hotel Indigo. Jenna, (Night ‘Auditor’—manager) asked me: “Do you like music?” “Of course. I love music,” I replied. “Look at this video,” she said as she came over to me with her cell phone locked and loaded. “OK” I watched some dude singing and playing guitar … Continue reading

Down and Out in Memphis Tennessee–Indigo Girls

Down and Out in Memphis Tennessee–Indigo Girls

I realize this is brief, but I am still awaiting the return from Waco of  my muse, so, as I wait, I thought I would ‘tease’ this bit a mite. (Ever try to ‘tease’ a mite?) Almost an effort in futility Nevermind… OK, first ‘shift’ at Hotel Indigo (2200hrs to 0600hrs) I arrived twenty minutes … Continue reading

Why would a nice guy like you want to kill a genius?

Why would a nice guy like you want to kill a genius?

Perhaps I’ll edit this later. Perhaps not. This sums up how I am feeling right now. ************** Saigon… shit; I’m still only in Saigon… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be nothing. I … Continue reading

Short UBH Bit Saga Continued

Short UBH Bit Saga Continued

A page from my Misfit Notebook while at UBH. (Note to self: “Self, you need to continue your UBH Saga.”) “Okay. I’m on it.” For anyone wondering why we had ‘homemade’ pens: They gave us only the innards–they didn’t want us trying to commit suicide with the plastic parts. So we improvised.   Too Heavy?

UBH Beach Ball Bingo (And Waiting On The Bus)

UBH Beach Ball Bingo (And Waiting On The Bus)

An hour or two before I was scheduled to depart UBH, Brenda, the Ornamental Chinese Psychiatrist began a group session. She was carrying a rather large over inflated white beach ball with words scribbled all over it: Statements, questions, ponderings, et cetera. “Hello everyone, ready for a new session?” She cheerfully greeted all at Our … Continue reading

UBH: Cast of Caricatures

UBH: Cast of Caricatures

Sal (Hispanic Marine) Gift of Gab and Excellent Sense of Humor “Sadder than a Midget with a Yo-yo.” His quote. Not mine. Lydia (Old and Gray and Grizzled Broad—but wonderful) Michael (Big dude. ‘Bout thirty stone.) We called him “Pete”—not sure why Christine (Bat – shit crazy. And obnoxious. And a bitch–but just for one … Continue reading

A UBH Post Continuation Teaser

A UBH Post Continuation Teaser

I met a young broken woman while at Rehab. (Hell! We were all ‘broken.’ Otherwise how the fuck did WE ALL END UP IN THIS PLACE??) Let us call her name, “Kelsey” (Because that was probably her name) Once while KNEE deep in some dark philosophical discussion she looked me dead in my eye and … Continue reading

Faith

Faith

Religion. Specifically: Southern Religion More specifically: Texan Religion. I am talking Methodists, Baptists, Church of Chist(ers)—the Entire Gamut of The Faithful. I love all of Y’all. No secret: “Lance is an Atheist.” (This is well-documented.) However, I do love AND RESPECT All Folks of Faith. I just do not roll that way. Cannot. But I … Continue reading

More Facebook Philosophy

More Facebook Philosophy

Dear Facebook Friends: (Rot-row—here we go again) “Dear FB Friends,” I begin again. I ‘use’ FB to flesh out new ideas for new posts. Most never come to fruition and most of my FB posts no one ever reads. Doesn’t matter. I write them. Mostly for me. Writing is generally an exercise in futility (or … Continue reading

Stage Four Zero Fucks Given Syndrome

Stage Four Zero Fucks Given Syndrome

I love becoming Sixty-Three. I have reached that stage of life whereby I can say what-ever-the-fuck I want to say. No Consequenes. No Reprecussions. No Nada. (You got some ‘Nada?’—bring it!) What the hell anyone gonna do to me that has not already been attempted? I give zero fucks what anyone thinks of me. This … Continue reading

Facebook Philosophy

Facebook Philosophy

I Recently Posted this on Facebook (not sure why) ****** “To All My Facebook Friends: I love to ‘share’ stuff. (This is the ‘primary purpose’ of FB as I understand it) Some of the things I ‘share’ are good. Some other things not so much. But I share anyway.  Why? Because I can Because I … Continue reading

“So, You Want To Be A Writer?”

“So, You Want To Be A Writer?”

(Vid Credit: Shea) “Yes, I do!” “I write; therefore I am” –Bastardize quote from Rene Descartes. Pounding out shit, day after day is sometimes difficult, but when it ‘flows,’ it is fucking magical. And worth all the agony. I love it! I love it when it ‘works.’ I despise myself when it doesn’t. But I … Continue reading

Texas is Hell on Women and Horses (And Alcoholics)

Texas is Hell on Women and Horses (And Alcoholics)

I am struggling. Failing. Flailing. Just another dead fish. Going with the flow. Looking for distraction. Abstract things to fill my mind. And take me to some happier places. Mostly Movies But also music. But the booze trumps all distractions. And makes cowards of us all. Such an evil mistress. She gives and She takes. … Continue reading

Invitation To The Blues

Invitation To The Blues

Back in some day. Back in “The Day” Right After I “Rocked Out” of BUD/s—SEAL training, I found me  on the USSSS  Useless Calaghan, DDG 994. Having nothing better to do, I would take the bus from 32’nd Street Naval Base to Downtown San Dog. Not much there. ‘Cept Titty-Bars. I embraced them Met a … Continue reading

There’s a Gnat In My Beer

There’s a Gnat In My Beer

There is not a way I am gonna try to explain everything that is ‘going on’ in this photograph. Suffice to say, it is just my attempt to ‘photo-document’ the gnats what are trying to steal my wine. Yes, I realize they won’t drink much, but damnit! They can buy their own wine. And I … Continue reading

“The Letter Said He Was Reported Dead.”

“The Letter Said He Was Reported Dead.”

“Near the front lines he’d been found A mine blew his jeep into a twisted heap And I still hear the sound Of the wheel that kept spinnin’ ’round.” ***** For some bizarre reason, this song reminds me of my first wife, Janet. I suppose it is because she was in the U.S. Army Reserve … Continue reading

The Shit Show That Is My Life

The Shit Show That Is My Life

There is a very rare and narrow window into my world. Let us call it the ‘Sobriety Window.” For lack of a term. Sometimes, I attempt to thrust me out of that window. Sometimes I just ignore it Sometimes, I actually make it outside. Into the ‘Real World.’ Then I panic! Try to get back … Continue reading

This Boat Is Sinking

This Boat Is Sinking

“You don’t know what I fear.” (How could you???) MY “Hood:” Immediately after I was delivered to my front porch from UBH, I boarded my little Chariot and went to the Beer Store. I did NOT fall off the wagon. I jumped. Then,  Just for fun,  I called in an air-strike to finish her off. … Continue reading

“Ludicrous” is Just a Scare Word. (I’m Over My Head, But It Sure Feels Nice.)

“Ludicrous” is Just a Scare Word. (I’m Over My Head, But It Sure Feels Nice.)

But, I am having THAT TIME OF MY LIFE! My life has taken a turn toward the bizarre. Recent memory (of which I have not so much) Recent memory teaches me my life may be falling apart. But then… I look at my prolific writing of late. And I smile a ‘knowing‘ smile while regarding … Continue reading

Zen & The Art of HVAC Maintenance

Zen & The Art of HVAC Maintenance

“Knock! Knock! Knock!” upon my door this morning. “Who’s there?” “Maintenance.” Rot-Row. “What did I fuck up?” Were the first thoughts in my head. I opened the door. Full-Sleeve’d Tatoo’d young HVAC Guy standing there. “I’m here to clean your A/C.” “Well, come on in. Sorry for the disarray; I am still moving in.” (After … Continue reading

Leaf Lady, Brick Walls, Jaguar Engineering, And Driving While Blind

Leaf Lady, Brick Walls, Jaguar Engineering, And Driving While Blind

Leaf Lady was seriously raking leaves in the midst of a thirty-knot wind across the street from my house. Every time she managed to accumulate a pile the wind would sweep them away. (Leaf Lady looks almost exactly like ‘Granny’ from the Beverly Hillbillies–and probably about the same age) “Goddamn Mother-Fuck!” she would scream as … Continue reading

Cabin Fever–UBH–On Quietus.

Cabin Fever–UBH–On Quietus.

I think I gots ‘Cabin Fever.’ “This mornin,’  I shot six holes in my freezer; I think I got cabin fever. Somebody sound the alarm!” Visualize me trying to explain all the nuance of this to Commerce’s Finest….  “Well, you see, Officer… there was this woman… And ReHab, and… That Fridge… was Antifa…” “Assume the … Continue reading

Poem For “Ethel”–Fake Name–UBH: Interlude

Poem For “Ethel”–Fake Name–UBH: Interlude

Black Hair Black Eyes Bright Smile Great Thighs Wily Words From Her Mouth Gave No Pause Left No Doubt Words Delivered With Such Charm Better Watch Out You’ll Be Disarmed Your Walls Came Crashing Down Your Weapons On The Ground She Was Standing There (Laughing At My Folly) Laughing Everywhere You May As Well Surrender … Continue reading

UBH Chapter Two

UBH Chapter Two

So, after the ‘checking in’ process was sorted, I was led into the ‘Community Room’ and parked there. “Wait! Where is the help I was promised?” “The doctor will be about shortly” “Okay. I’ll wait.” I sat down in the corner and observed the people—my fellow in-mates. The whole group seemed to be rather lethargic. … Continue reading

Denton UBH Day One: Stepping Through The Door

Denton UBH Day One: Stepping Through The Door

Arrived 1822 hrs. Delivered there by two very attractive young Hunt County EMT’s. They were almost twins, in their young innocent female forms. I was ‘in love.’ With both of them. Why not? I’m liberal. Alas, could not last. The Ambulance Ride had been extremely bumpy, long and loud, and un-comfy. I was strapped to … Continue reading

Abusive Muse–Act Three and a Half–Interlude.

I returned to my keyboard and typed: “Dear Helen, I am so very sorry.” Announced to Muse: “Okay. Done.” She came over, read what I had written. “That’s it?” “Yeah. Succinct. Perfection.” She grasped me by my hand… “Come sit down with me on the Nasty Couch for a moment.” “Uh… Okay.” “Lance, I am … Continue reading

Abusive Lovely Muse–Chapter Two

I sat down and starting writing. Muse was over my shoulder, massaging my hurting neck. “What are you doing?” I asked. “My Job, Musing.” “Knock it off! I am trying to work here.” “Jesus! Relax.” “Why don’t you sit down? I don’t need a spider looking over my shoulder.” She looked a bit hurt and … Continue reading

The Abusive Muse

The Abusive Muse

‘WAKE UP!” “Whaaaa?” “Wake the fuck UP!” “Who are you?” “Your Muse.” “Oh, I thought You That Delirium Tremens Monster.” “No. He will be around later. Right now you have me.” “Okay. Something on your mind?” “Yes. You need to get up and write.” “I am sleepy.” “Time enough to sleep when you’re dead.” “Really? … Continue reading

Perchance To Dream

Perchance To Dream

For Weeks I could not Sleep. Now All I want to do is Sleep. I am going to check out for a while. And WRITE. Do not be concerned. You may or may not hear from me for awhile. Or ever again. Please do NOT become a ‘Good Samaritan’ and call 911. Or email me. … Continue reading

William Henry

William Henry

Back in 1974 I found myself at Warrior Stadium, Watching the HG Warriors kick the ever’ loving shit outta those Fannindale (dale?, del?)  Ladonia! I was born in that town, ’57! Guess I can call their football team what-ever-the-fuck I want…  Falcons. I should have been on the field, but I had opted out my … Continue reading

Escape From Memphis–Chapter The End: “You Shoulda Planned Ahead”

Escape From Memphis–Chapter The End: “You Shoulda Planned Ahead”

This is the end of my “Escape From Memphis” Saga. I am done. Done with it. Finished. Caput I am managing my disease. Poorly. But, I am still breathing. Ran outta booze at zero-four this morning. I shoulda planned ahead. Today was Sunday. No relief until Noon. (Texas!) What to do? Pace back and forth … Continue reading

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Twelve and a Half– Friends

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Twelve and a Half– Friends

I have very few friends. But the ones I have are ‘keepers.’ I love them. They, of late, are ‘concerned’ about my Mental state. “Doan worry,” I assure them. “I am in a good place.” “Ya sure?” They always ask. “Yep. I am certain, anything else on your mind, or did you just call to … Continue reading

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Twelve–I have found me a home

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Twelve–I have found me a home

“The days drift by They don’t have names None of the streets here look the same And there’re so many quiet places And smilin’ eyes match the smilin’ faces” –Jim Buffett So here I am. “What now, Cowboy?” “Dunno.” I am ‘managing’ my disease. I suppose this is a ‘plus.’ A ‘good’ thing. Okay, there … Continue reading

Escape From Memphis–Chapter 11–Checking Out

Escape From Memphis–Chapter 11–Checking Out

Some many minutes (hours?) later a Brand New Pretty Female Doctor arrived to wake me. I really was feigning sleep. She introduced her lovely self. “I am Doctor So-and-So and I am day shift. How are you, Mister Marcom?” “Passing fair,” I said. “We have all the arrangements made for you to go to Garland … Continue reading

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Ten: Psychiatrist Interrogation

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Ten: Psychiatrist Interrogation

Attractive Young Psychiatrist Nancy began her questioning in earnest: “How long have you been drinking?” “All my life,” I said. “No, I mean recently.” “Oh, ‘bout forty days and forty nights.” (No chuckle; guess she was gonna be all business from this point.) “Do you feel like hurting yourself? She asked. “Pretty certain that is … Continue reading

New Mindless, Stupid Post. I suppose It Don’t Matter Anymore.

New Mindless, Stupid Post. I suppose It Don’t Matter Anymore.

Perhaps I will re-visit and edit it later. Or not. At this late point, don’t matter none. “What-the-fuck ever Lance.” “Get on wid it’ (best Peanut Quote I could muster) For Fuck sake!” “Okay! Okay! Relax!” (‘You do realize I  am mentally impaired?”) “Never noticed.” “Okay, may we move on? I have a very brief … Continue reading