Lance walks into his physic therapist’s office and slumps down.
“Hello” too effusive physiotherapist says. “How are we today?”
“Shitty,” I answer. “But we be chillin’”
“Oh no!!” he says. “We can never feel ‘shitty’, as you say; We are always ‘happy’.”
“Fuck you,” I say.
“Mister Marcom. WE do not talk this way.”
“Fuck you Doc, I talk this way. I am paying you so I can talk this way.”
“OK, why then, are you “shitty” as you call it?”
Leaning back… wondering how long this court – ordered bullshit must go on, I decide to hit him with it:
“I am feeling shitty ‘cause I have written some good shit on my blog and no one is readin’ it.”
“Do go on….”
“Well… there is that one about Southpark…”
“Some great shit there.”
“No one reads it?”
“Yeah,” I say; “It is too long.”
“Why is it too long? Do you hate your mother?” he asked brilliantly.
“Well, it took three days to write. An’…who are you? Do you even know what it is to write?”
“Let us focus on ‘your problem.’ shall we?”
“Doc, let us focus on yers: I don’t wanna be here. I just want folks to read my shit.”
“I cannot help you there, Son.”
“Then what am I paying protection for?”
So I’m standing in line at Kroger’s last night reading the tabloid headlines:
“Jennifer Lawrence gives birth to purple alien.”
”Perfectly preserved Elvis head found under back seat of ’57 Chevy in Dallas” (Why does this shit always happen in Texas?)
“Bill O’Reilly Comes Out” (Out of what? Stupidity?)
Just kiddin’ Bill. I love you man! Hahaha! (tongue firmly planted in cheek)
Anyhow, there is an elderly black gentleman in front of me, driving one of those grocery store golf carts. He has maybe five items in his basket. Still perusing the latest headlines, I hear the cashier say,
“Eighty dollars?!” the man exclaims.
Now I look up.
“Lan’ sakes chile. For what?”
“Well, you got them short ribs there… them was eighteen. Then you got that cough medicine, thas eight ninety-nine. Then you got that ‘luminum foil casserole dish, seven. Then you got them chips. Fo’ dollar. Then you got that gum there…. It all adds up.”
Black gentleman shakes grizzled head.
“Lawd ah mercy!”
“Yep. Y’all gonna be in big trouble onc’t y’all git home,” Cashier says. “Got a Kroger Loyalty Card?”
“Yessum, but far as I kin see, doan do no damn good.”
Now. I ask you: Since when do short ribs fetch nine dollar a pound? Since when does a nickel’s worth of aluminum foil shaped to look like a roasting pan cost seven bucks? Since when does a bag of potato chips cost four dollars? What has happened to my country?
I’m moving back to Baghdad, where you can still purchase goat on the hoof for four bits a pound. (BYOB)
“Bring yer own bullets.”
My sister Madelyn made that same promise to me: I’m still tryin’ to fulfill it for her.
Happy Friday, Y’all.
Dateline: 1989 Subic Bay Naval Base / Olongapo City, Philippines 1600hrs
“Knock Off Ship’s Work! Liberty Call! Liberty Call!” reverberated from the 1MC onboard the USS Frederick, LST 1184.
Simultaneously a couple hundred sailors went into Fred Flintstone mode, “Yabba Dabba Dooo!!”