Doctors Piss Me Off

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While I was ‘out-processing’ in Fort Worth Texas to go to Kandahar back in 2011, I had this conversation with the DynCorp Doc:

Doctor asked me, “Did you attend a big drinking ‘going away party’ last night?”

“Nope” I lied. (I never need an excuse to drink me under the table)

“Well that is a shame, because your liver is inflamed. You sure you did not drink last night?”

“Yep. Quite sure,” I lied again.

“Well, you also have enlarged red blood cells. Do you realize what this means?”

“Yessir, I do. It means my red blood cells are capable of carrying more O2, and therefore, this is a good thing.”

*heavy sigh* from the doc. “That means they stick to each other. A bad thing.”

“Yeah, we all stick together… So doc, just sign the papers, ummm kay?”

“But… your BP… is off the chart. One-eighty over one-thirty-five”

“Ya, ain’t that cool? I have always been an over-achiever. High numbers fascinate me. Now please sign me off so I can go to the bar before going to Afghanistan to get shot at.”

stethoscope

True story. There are many more…

I don’t think that doc liked me. But he did sign ze papers like a good little DynCorp sycophant.

Eighteen hours later:

Wheels Down at KAF

And Lance a Happy Camper.

And this, of course… that last is a Bold-Faced LIE

(Just call it ‘Creative License.’)

TRUTH:

I had to ‘cool’ my heels in Dubai for almost ten days before I made it to Afghanistan.

I amused me by renting Russian Prostitutes.

(And put a few of them through college in the process)

This is a TRUE story.

I do NOT  write FICTION.

(Not smart enuff)

32 thoughts on “Doctors Piss Me Off”

  3. Oh I love the Mamas and the Papas…but terrible choreography to go with the beautiful voices.

    I was going to say that I doubt there is not much you have tried.. . . . and that was before I read your next response!

  4. Once I got to Helmand (Hell! Man!) province, I quit drinkin’ and shuckin’ an’ jivvin’. (I had no choice). Hit the gym twice a day…Lost forty pounds and became an Adonis, (again!) even though my Adonis-stats were wasted there…
    Heheheh
    Thanks Anne for finding this rather obscure, inane, insane post.
    Cheers and ‘NA’ Beers (joke)
    –Lancer
    “Sunday Sunday…. Can’t trust that day…”

  6. Hahha
    I’ve worked in three different war zones. (almost ten years worth)
    What do you think?
    😉
    Thanks for reading this old post. It’s always wonderful (and encouraging) when folks read more than ‘just the latest’.
    Cheers!

  8. I had a reeely good respond. I lost it…in Cyber.
    Damn!
    Give me yet another chance… mayhap tomorrow. Ain’t up for it this eve…

  11. Bad Doctor signing those papers!! lol

    Amusing account of a no doubt interesting conversation eh… lol

    ML
    xx

  12. I generally go to my dog Spot the Vizsla on such weighty matters. His advice is always ‘Spot On’.
    Hey! Thanks for the read and the great comment.
    Cheers,
    Lance
    😉

  13. “…like a good little DynCorp sycophant.” Hahahaha! I love it! 😀
    Clean eating and some drank now-and-then will lower that bp in no time. 😉 Of course I have to advise you to seek the advice of a seasoned medical professional; preferably NOT from DynCorp…

  16. My bp is too low, and yours is too high! Both are dangerous.

    Doctors piss me off too. It’s lovely when they’ve never even heard of your diagnosis. sarcasm intended

    Hope you’re doing well Lance! 🙂

  17. I always halve my reported alcohol intake when asked by a doctor – it only worries them if you tell the truth 😆

  18. I think most Americans are unaware of the military contracting with outside entities for its medical needs. I don’t like that.

  20. As I had predicted to the Doc, (see below comments to Lesley), once I got to Afghanistan, I got it all sorted. Since I have been back in The States however, it has begun to climb again. I need to go back to a War Zone. For my health, you see.

    Thanks Aussa. It is always an honour having you here and signing my ‘guest book’. I really appreciate your visits.

    Cheers,
    Lance

  22. Hi Annie,
    Yeah it is kinda scary, but what to do?
    Lessee: drink less, use less tobacco, eat better, exercise. All these things are on my “so I don’t kick the bucket list.”
    😉
    Cheers My Friend!

  23. You are absolutely correct. I ate more Motrin while I was at BUD/s than during the rest of the years I have been walking around on the Earth.
    😉
    Thanks for stopping by and for the great comment.

  24. Hi Lesley,

    I think the doctor was hesitant to seed someone with hypertension to a war zone. He was overruled by The Company: They needed bodies. This is how they got paid for their contract. More personnel, more money from The Government. I knew my blood pressure was not going to stay that high, because, believe it or not, I would be living a healthier lifestyle in Afghanistan than in the states. There would be no drinking and healthy food would be available. I also knew I would be getting a lot more exercise.

    This doctor did not believe my theory. And the way I saw it, he was going to torpedo my job opportunity. Therefore, he pissed me off. As much as I disliked DynCorp, I am glad their greed worked in my favor this time. (And only this time)

    Thanks for your visit and your comments. I alway love feedback.
    Cheers,
    Lance

  25. Was the physician attempting to find a reason to keep you away from harm? Is that what pisses you off about them, or simply that they are paid automatons to keep you healthy for the war? This then being a complete oxymoronic expression of their purpose. This is sad.

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