“Texan Snowmageddon: A Play in Six Acts,” Or “Thanks 2020 for Bringing 2021 Up-To-Speed.” Nice Hand-Off

First of All…This is a Happy Texan Story,

So do not get prematurely bummed out.

And you may ignore the ‘added value’ of the music and the vids, but you will not experience the ‘full benefit’ if you chose to do that.

“Snowmageddon” has finally been Kicked-to-The Curb.

Texas Survived.

I survived. Had to treat myself for surviving:

HEALTHY CELEBRATION FOOD

HEY! Them crackers had my name on ‘em!

(So did that bottle of wine: ‘Lance Gallo’)

Had to buy ‘em! And bring them home

And Celebrate!

They say (Always “They.” Who are THEY by the way?)

They say, “Bad News Always Comes In Threes.”

Just for me, They Doubled Down:

Three X-2

Yeah, I got far enough in math to learn my multiplication tables.

But not much else…

Here is how it broke down for me:

  1. No electricity
  2. No water
  3. My Ford Explorer Died
  4. My neck is fucked—probably slipped a disk—‘tis a misery, painful
  5. Ran outta booze
  6. Dangerously low on Copenhagen snuff

OK Gonna Break it Down:

Beginning with #2:

“(Ice) Water, water everywhere. And all the boards did shrink. Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.” Thanks Sam Coleridge.

Throughout it all, The Wonderful Staff here at Lion’s Den were phenomenal.

Every day Deb and Cynthia would deliver bottled water. And following hard behind was the maintenance man, (name escapes me) pushing a cart with two large plastic trash cans full of water. He would provide a bucket of ‘flush water’ to each ‘inmate,’ er… ‘tenant’ for our toilets.

Not sure which I appreciate more.

Nope. That’s a lie:

Appreciated the flush water the much more. (I am a nasty enuff Mo’Fo as is—needed to flush that bitch—trust me on this one Y’all.)

Besides, I had already figured out that I could scoop up fresh snow, let it melt and drink that.

(Shame I had no milk, sugar, and vanilla extract. I could’ve had snow ice cream, and re-visited my misspent youth—alas—missed opportunity)

*****

#1: No Way to Fight The Power—Were’t None

Vid Credit: Joni Journey

No electric was the worst. No electricity meant no internet. No internet meant I was cut-off from the world (And not particularly “up” nor ‘hip’ with my neighbors) I just do not ‘roll’ that way, being somewhat of a “Herman Hermits’ kind of guy…

I did have a flashlight though. It kept me company. I tried to boot up my laptop just to have someone to talk to (yes, I talk to my computers), but I could not remember my password to get it to boot. After the third failed attempt, my laptop told me to fuck off and then she called the NSA.

The roads were impassable so I was not concerned.

#3 Heart of Darkness

I discovered something about myself: I am afraid of the dark. How fucking funny is that?! Me! The two-time almost Navy SEAL!

OK, I was not really afraid, per se, but I was not happy.

What to do?

I climbed into the helm of my ‘Labomba’—Esoteric Peanut vernacular—cranked her up. Turned on the interior lights, the heat, and KETR.

Sat there, listening to NPR’s shit for an hour.

Glanced at my gauges.

Oh SHIT!

Alternator had left town! Battery gasping. Dying.

LaBomba officially dead in the water.

Lance now properly, futurely fucked.

#4 I Drink Alone

Nothing to do now but go back into my sans lightness hovel.

And face my daemons.

Out-Drink ‘em.

Did that.

Drank up the last of my booze.

Sat in the dark for three hours.

Sun came up and I went to sleep.

I had survived.

#5 Pain In My Neck

Been already having this horrible pain in my neck.

Well, Guess what?

It is almost debilitating

And Getting worse.

But I ‘Sailor On.’

“And that is all I’m gonna say about that.”

Thank you Forrest

#6 Out of Copenhagen Snuff.

I am gonna put this one to bed.

Hopefully, ever hopefully,…

I hope y’all have enjoyed my ‘Report’ on how the shit went down for me during the Snow-Apocalypse.

CNN is NOT Calling me for ‘Local Color’ commentary.

I was so hoping and prayin’ and hoping and prayin to talk to Erin…

Erin never called

But then,Guess how many fucks I give.

Cheers Y’all!

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