IMHO This Post Could Use Mo’ Love. It Has Been Up-Dated–More ‘Content’–Only Look If You Have A Bit of YOUR Life You Wanna WASTE. “Shit Post # 9: Meet Mr. Lance, NEWS JUNKIE”

Cornelia & Lance

News Junkies, Le Deux

Basra, Iraq 2006

Love Potion Commotions!

Love potion number 9, The Searchers

Cred for Vid: whoacanyouhelpme

****

Yes, this is a ‘Shit Post’

***

F*CK IT, I QUIT”

KTVA Reporter Charlo Greene QUITS On-Air

Lance Sez, “I Approve of this Message”

You Go Girl!

Bravo!

Watch the below vid.

You will laugh your ass off.

I Promise

And If you B’leave That…

Wanna Buy A Bridge?

Spiders on Drugs:

Street Cred For Vid: Andrew Struthers

Ditto this one below

Fredo and Andrew Cuomo

Cred For Original Content: John Ward

***

But this is a light-hearted Shit Post, mocking me even more than I mock Broadcast News: CNN, MSNBC, Fox, Etcetera & Ad Nausea

And I am stalling, waiting for MS Muse to respond to my recent

Proposal of Marriage

She is sitting on the couch as I type these words.

(Yeah, she came home after the lights and water were restored)

I am beginning to find her a ‘fair-weather’ muse. Just sayin’.

Don’t matter. I still love her.

She had all her props:

  • Glass of Pinot.
  • Virginia Slim
  • Cell Phone
  • IPad
  • NY Times, Washington Post, And Waco Weekly Wipe
  • Attitude

Yeah. There’s that.

Always that.

Always That Attitude: Nuclear Option

*****

This post cannot stand alone on my prose.

The vids are requisite.

“I just have to look good; I don’t have to be clear.”

The Eagles Dirty Laundry

(Two different versions: I try to give Y’all Choices)

The volume is borked. So CRANK it up. (Video Credit: Video Music, via The YouTubes—Duh!)

Vid Creds: Global News

***

Love Broadcast News.

Love Mocking Broadcast News.

Love the Eye-Candy ‘Info-Babes’ on Broadcast News. (Broadcast News puts the ‘Broad’ in News)

Andrea Tantaros CNN Bra Size & Measurements

Andrea Tantaros: CNN, Bra Size & Measurements

Guys, you know you want me to drop the link.

No!

Suffer in Silence

*******

Love that I harbor no true malice toward Broadcast News, but G’damn! they are so transparent with their bias.

Added Value: Holly-Go-Lightly

I sincerely hope you have enjoyed this brief interlude shit post I wrote while cooling my heels waiting for MS Muse to respond to my Proposal of Marriage

Cheers!

(‘Story at Eleven’)

*****

Bonus ‘Added Value’

More Don Lemon-Head Fails

Credit to John Ward: Genius Man

“No, it’s awful.”

My Cross to Bear

My Spirit ‘Man-able’: Ted Koppel

Video Compilation Credit Below: iLoveChrisCuomo

Uh… Homo-Erotica?

CNN: The Most Trusted Name In News?

Am I homo-phobic?

No! But these two wear me out!

Some of my Best Friends are Fags (This is a JOKE BTW!)

“I love you Don Lemon.”

You never fail to entertain.

Now Please Excuse me while I puke—‘vacuate’ my stomach.

And my mind.

“The Memes Become Reality”

–IanMilesCheong

Don & Chris:

Two Marshmallows Colliding in Mid-Air:

****

Top Ten Lemon-Head Fails

Content Creator: John Ward

*****

Ignore the below, the last on your radio dial, because WordPress is FU*KED UP!

Won’t let me delete it!

It just keeps spinning ‘round an’ ‘round sucking up bandwidth.

Bandwidth I have not to spare,

Nor desire to share.

Fu*k you WordPress!

“Uploading” it perpetually says.

Hey Whore-Press!

How ‘bout I ‘upload’ my Nine Millimeter into your dome?

How would that grab ya?

Blood Sweat & Tears – Spinning Wheel

Add-Din-Dumb:

I got ‘on the horn’ w/WP

Kind service rep fixed my problem:

Toot Sweet!

Un-Fun Facts:

Dick Van Dyke was an Alcoholic

(And So is Lance)

Vid Share Cred: TheRatbasher

All-in-all, WP has Great Customer Service.

No denying that.

I take back my un-happy words hurled at Them…

Until the next time They-Piss-Me-Off

***

The Gnats Are Back & Having A ‘Gnat Blast’ At My Personal Annoyance

Yeah, The Gnats are Back!

(They Had Flown South For The Winter)

Yet I had expected them much sooner than Today

They Musta Taken A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

I Had A ‘Welcome Home’ Greeting For ’em

See What A “Nice, Thoughtful” Guy I Am?

Office Space

***

Now… where did I put that DDT?

“Bobbie, Reach me the DDT will ya Girl?”

***

So, I am tryin’ real hard

(Yes it is hard. Hey! Get Yer Mind Outta That Gutter!)

Tryin’ real hard to tone down on the drinkin’.

Poured me a ‘HALF-GLASS’ of booze. Not much more than would fill a hen’s ear–(Now, Y’all know I’m lyin’) into a ‘Normal’ booze glass as opposed to my usual, ‘Barrel Glass Runneth Over.’

NE-Way….

Phone started ringing (as it sometimes do)

Set my glass on the counter and waltzed over to pick-up the phone:

“Hello,” I said.

Voice on the line asked,

“Is this Lance Marcom?”

“Might be. Might Not Be. What do you want?”

“Mister Marcom, I am Helga with Corporation Blah, Blah, Blah. Our records indicate you are two months in arrears. When may we expect a payment to your account?”

“Let me get back to you on that. My Fridge is running and I need to go catch it before it escapes.”

*Click*

Bitch Hung Up On me; Didn’t Even Say “Goodbye”

I Cannot Even Imagine Why

***

Remembered My ‘Left-All-Alone’ Booze Glass.

Went back to re-capture it and take it hostage for my liver.

Discovered the Gnats were having a Gnat Pool Party in MY DRINK. Doing back-flips, canon balls, and competitive diving off the rim of my glass.

These Are The “New” Gnats.

They Developed Swimming Anatomies

See How Quickly ‘Evolution’ Can Happen?

Gotta Keep Up With ‘Current Events’

Life Always Finds A Way

Fu*kin’ Gnats!

Pool Party!

In-MY-Drink!

The Cajones On These Assholes!

I rescued my glass and drank down the booze along with the Fun-Loving Gnats.

“That’ll teach ‘em, by God!”
I said to no one in particular.

*****

Theme Song:

Bugs!

“Hey Look At Me… With The DDT”

Shared Vid Cred: benjichilders

*****

Footnote to the Story:

After taking Inventory, Discovered I was Dangerously low-on-Booze.

Needed to go shopping next day.

Gonna go down and shop at

“The Tom Waits Booze Emporium & Bicycle Shoppe”

Cheers Y’all!

Left-Over Food. Left-Over Dreams. Fell Apart At The Seams. White Trash King!

That’s Just Me

Below:

Lance A. ‘Bubba’ Marcom

The Man

The Myth

The Legend

HaHaHa!

Pure-D White Trash

Lance-A-Lot O’Trash:

Charter Member In Good Standing Of The

NAAWT

“National Association For The Advancement Of White Trash”

Just A Big Kid Havin’ Fun.

Don’t Take It Personal Y’all

HaHaHa!

“White Trash” – Tom MacDonald & Madchild

“Happy And Broke”

*****

My Fridge:

Left On my Bed. Instead. No worries. I can sleep around it.

I’ve got enough left-over food (some weeks gone-by of age-Waste not. Want not!) in my fridge to ‘Feed Cox’s Army’

‘Feed Cox’s Army…’ An expression Janet (An EX) used to hurl at me upon often occasion.

Anyway… I got NO Room! No ROOM! For my Beer! But I don’t care!

I am sorta European in this regard.
I LOVE Warm Beer!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I know:

I am pure-dee Bona-Fide White Trash.

And I LOVE TV Dinners!

(If the sauce is not too blue)

Astute observers will note the

Ouija Board

in this video below

****

Added Value:

I Do LOVE Me Some Dixie Chicks

OOps!

Caint Say ‘Dixie’ No Mas

My Bad

“White Trash Weddin'”

Bye Fer Now

Y’all come back now, ya he’ah

“Tales From The Fridge Crypt” or “My Refrigerator Frightens Me” Or “Nightmare On My Street”

I Really Should Practice Better

Fridge Hygiene

Mold:

It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

And It’s How I Get My Greens

And The Blues

But Y’all Know:

A Sailor Will Eat

‘Almost’

AnyThing

****

ZZ Top TV Dinners

I Even Like The Chicken If The Sauce Is Not Too Blue”

Cred: RHINO

***

****

The Most DISGUSTING Fridges On Kitchen Nightmares

Cred: Gordon Ramsay

*****

Just Eat It Asshole!

Cred: Weird Al

****

What Happens If You Eat Mold?

Credit: What If

Sometimes I Have “Great Notions”

I read the book in 1971

(Not en français, bien sur)

LOVED IT!

Then Guess what happened in ’72?

They Released The Movie!

Avec An All-Star Cast

Theatrical Trailer:

Outstanding!

Charley Pride:

‘All His Children’

Stamper Home:

Wish it were Mine

***

“Now that ain’t no new truck, but I sure do feel better”

Does it Show? How Much I Love This Movie.

Newman Directed

Highly Recommended.

This is what Oregon used to be.

(Before All The Morons Took Over)

*****

Viv: “For what? For what?””

Henry: “Well Hell. Don’t ya know? To keep on goin’, that’s what. To work and sleep and screw eat and drink and keep on going.

Viv: “And that’s all?”

Henry: “Honey Sweet, that’s all there is. It’s a whole ball of wax.”

Minor Spoiler Alert Regarding A Minor Character–Not Really Important

****

More Trivial/Useless Info:

This film was the first movie ever shown on HBO when the service premiered in 1972.

***

“Cats to kill, eggs to hatch, wood to chop, and ground to scratch.”—Henry Stamper

****

Added Bonus:

More ‘H. Stamper’

Armageddon:

‘Tis a Good Character Name:

Henry/Hank/Harry Stamper

Up-Dated-Expanded–Rent – A – Sailor Part Two: ‘You Are Not Where You Think You Are’–Up-Side Down You May Be

*****

You Are Not Always Where You Think You Are:

Credit: Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell

***

Up is Down

Down is Up

Sideways is just… well, sideways

(Apropos For Now, Eh?)

***

I still love you Diana

Always shall.

“Upside Down”

– Michael Jackson at Diana Ross Concert (1980)

******

We had three days steaming time to kill on our way to That–‘That Land Down Under’.

One night we were all sitting about, ‘cokin’ an’ smokin’ (shootin’-the-shit) in our little Gunner’s Mate ‘Office’ which was not much more than a walk-in closet with a couple of ‘make-shit’ chairs and a few Mae West life preservers for butt-comport composure.

There was GMG Me, GMG Rog, GMG Matt, GMG Eddie, and GMG Fish. Don’t know where was GMG-Geeky-Little-Maynard, nor ‘Bob-the-GMG-Body Builder.’ Probably Bob was in our ‘gym’. He pretty much lived in there. (Ed note: GMG–‘Gunner’s Mate Guns’–if you’ve read me, you’d already know this, btw.)

Speaking of things like gyms, weight-rooms, shitters, showers, berthing compartments, racks, …. Gunner’s Mate ‘offices’, et cetera:

On a U.S. naval war ship, space is always at a premium.

Ship’s Crew want a ‘weight room?’

Good luck. Find a machinery room with a little floor space available. Put your kit in there wherever you can find ‘space-to-no-avail-able’.

Want a quiet place to hang out? Good luck. Try the bilge compartment underneath the water line. (‘No thanks’)

Want peaceful, uninterrupted sleep? You should have joined the Air Force.

(I had some luck: I was the ship’s armorer—in charge of the… wait for it… the ship’s armory. All the small arms were stowed in there. You know, M14 rifles, grenade launchers, .50 cal Machine guns, riot shotguns, .45 cal pistols, grenades… Shit loads of ammo.)

And I WAS IN-CHARGE. Best Gig on The Fred! No Body, and I do mean nobody fucked with me. I had the key to all the guns. And my rep preceded me: I was known to be a ‘dead-eye-shot’. One shot/one kill. It was great!! As I did say, no one ever fucked with me. Fear is the greatest incentive for not fucking with a man.

A very ‘High – Security’ Space. I had one of the only two keys on board the Fred. My Department head, an 04 officer and third or fourth in command, had the only other one and he knew me from Nacogdoches back when I had my tropical fish store—yes! So he trusted me. I guess he thought we went ‘way back.’ We didn’t. But he was a good officer. And I usually don’t like officers, but I liked this one. Apparently we had a ‘history’ together…. I guess…

Moving on.

Yeah no shit. Small world. Supposedly  he had lived in Nacogdoches back when Janet and I did. We never really got to know each other. In fact, I do not recall him at all, but he remembered my store and I may have sold him a crud eater or two…

***

Anyway, the ship’s armory was my ‘go-to’ place when I did not wish to be talked-at, or just wanted a cat nap.

***

Back to our little Gunner’s Mate ‘Meeting’ in our ‘Office.’

The conversation had grown quiet.

Me, being me, I decided to have some fun with my shipmates. So I  broached a subject to mess with their heads.

As I mentioned, time to kill.

“Why do they call it ‘Down Under’ and not ‘Up Yonder’?” I asked the group.

Rog, always quick on the draw said, “Because it is down-the-fuck-under.”

“Down under what?” I shot back.

“Down under the regular world.”

“According to who Rog? And define ‘regular’” I said.

“According to everyone. And regular is, you know fucking regular,” he said back.

“That makes no sense.” I said. Then continued, “You mean because of ‘up and down’, ‘north and south’, ‘east or west’ bullshit?”

“That’s what he means,” Matt said. “Everyone knows this.”

“Guys, you ever seen those photos from the Apollo missions? The ones of the Earth taken from the Moon?”

“Of course we all have,” Fish piped in.

“Well how do you know what is up and what is down?”

Rog said, “Because the North Pole is up and the South Pole is down. Easy enuff to see in the damn photos.”

“What if the astronauts had turned the camera a hundred and eighty degrees?”

“Why would they do that?” Eddie asked.

“Why not Eddie? You ever been in outer space?”

“Uh, nope, not lately.”

“Here’s the thing, why does the ‘northern’ hemisphere get to be ‘up’ and the ‘southern’ hemisphere have to be ‘down’? Seems real ‘hemisphere – centric’ to me.”

“Just because it makes sense,” Rog said.

“Bullshit,” I said. There is no up or down in space. It’s just all arbitrary from our perspective. Allow me to dial-you-in Rog: It’s because most of Western Civilization is in the ‘Northern’ hemisphere. That’s why.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Matt said.

“Think about it Matt. Who writes the history of war?”

“Uh… War? I thought we were talking about Australia.”

“Who writes the history of war?” I asked again. “Who draws the maps?”

Eddie gets a screwed-up look on his face, “The winning side!” He blurts out.

“Precisely, Young Eddie.”

Then Fish says. “No, it ain’t about that. It’s about the magnetic poles. They are north and south… ain’t they?”

“Fish, even if they were, which they ain’t, it doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” I continued. “Because ever’ fifty or sixty thousand years the magnetic poles do a one-eighty and swap places.”

“You’re bullshit,” Rog says.

“Nope,” I say. “Look it up. And here is the funny part: Earth is wayyy overdue for the next swap. Could happen at any moment. What if the ‘swap’ just so happens to happen right before we pull into Sydney?”

Matt says, somewhat exasperated, “Ok, I give. What?”

“We’d then be heading to New ‘Up Yonder’ and not old ‘Down Under’. The maps would all have to be reprinted. And we’d have to turn around to stay on course for all those broads who want to ‘Rent-A-Sailor’ in Sydney, New Up Yonder.”

*Collective Groans All Around…*

In unison: “Fuck You Marcom!”

***

Previously:

To be continued.

***

Author’s note: This post is in serious need of an edit enema.

I’ll administer it later.

Butt Busy now. (some pun intended–caint lie)

Cheers.

And thanks for sailing this far…

Just call me Ismael.

***

P.S. I am not nearly as smart as I think I am.

Not even half as smart as I think I am.

Truth is, I am only about one-third as smart as I think I am.

But,

Batting 333 will get you into the Hall of Fame.

In Baseball.

“Lance! This ain’t baseball.”

“No shit?

Damn! I musta took a wrong turn at ‘Albequerky’.”