Sexy Goddess Elizabeth: My Last Wife, Chapter One

“Non, je ne regrette rien”

No, I Regret Nothing

I first met her as “Paige” via eHarmony. She taught French at a High School in Springfield, Missouri. I was working and trying to stay alive in Mosul, Iraq, circa 2008.

After about a week or so, we ditched eHarmony and exchanged emails, more photos, and phone numbers. And she confided to me that ‘Paige’ was her middle name and that her first name was ‘Elizabeth.’ I told her that if she didn’t mind, I’d prefer to address her like that. She said, “Bien sûr!” (Of course)

About two weeks later, as Parsons owned me an R&R I broached the idea of her rendezvousing with me in Paris (France, not Texas).

She was all for it, but then confided in me that she did not have the funds for the plane ride.

I laughed.

“Silly Girl!  I will purchase your plane ride and I will pay for everything else—I am Rich!” (She would ‘rectify’ this ‘situation’ a few years later—but I am getting a little ahead of my narrative.)

She could only get one week off from her HS French teacher job and I had two weeks of R&R owed me, so I told her I would spend a week in Dubai and then meet her in Paris.

Good to go.

So I went to Dubai, stayed drunk, and hung out at the pool every day in the Five-Star Hotel where I was staying. (I wanted a tan so as to look my best for her.)

I even brushed up on my Français, hoping to impress her with that in case my awesome tan and hard body did not move her (I had been working out like a mad-man in the weight-room there in Mosul)

I was READY for some Great Sex.

On the short plane ride from Dubai to Paris, I downed a few vodkas (Prepping myself).

Hooked up with her at Orly International Airport and we grabbed a taxi to our hotel.

She demonstrated her command of French, speaking to the taxi driver.

I was properly impressed.

Oh, and yes! She was just as advertised in her photos:

Long blonde hair, six feet tall, and absolutely stunning.

Built like a Brick Shit-House, to use the Texas Vernacular.

She had a soft, very sexy voice, but I knew this already from our many telephone conversations, but live and in color it was even mo’ bettah.

I was already in love.

Pretty sure she was falling for me too (Yeah, I was that confident and vain)

I could not wait to get her into bed.

But she said to me after we had settled into our hotel,

“Can we take this kinda slowly? Maybe go down to the Champs-Élysées and hit a side-walk café, like Café George V. It is one of my favorites. They have awesome Canard à l’orange.”

“Sure, I said. We can do that.” (Over the course of our time in Paris The George V Café became ‘Our Place’ and we went there at least twice a day—sometimes for food, sometimes for coffee, often for vin rouge. (Red Wine)

Our hotel was within walking distance of the Champs-Élysées so we started walking. (I had picked the hotel for its location and it was very expensive, but I didn’t care. I had a woman to impress.)

As we were walking to the café, she said this, “I thought I smelled alcohol on your breath when you picked me up at Orly.”

“Uh, I had a glass of wine on the plane,” I lied.


Anyway, we got to George V Café and spent a wonderful afternoon there, over duck, red wine, conversation, and some building sexual tension. We were very hot for each other. This was obvious.

When it had reached critical mass, I quickly used my French and said to the garçon, “l’addition s’il vous plaît” (Check please)

Then we hastily beat feet back to our hotel and fucked each other’s brains out.

And it was glorious!

But then as we were basking in the warmth of the sexual afterglow, she said something incredibly stupid:

“Lance, I have never been faithful to any man in my life.”

This honest revelation of hers threw me into a tailspin.

(Fidelity was important to me back then, especially when relating to a woman I intended to wed.)

She had sucked the wind right out of my sails.

It was rather devastating, in fact.

And from that day forward, that one concise statement became an albatross around my neck.

I eventually married her anyway.

(Against My Better Judgement)

To Be Continued…


My much admired and respected by me, Great, Good Friend, John Coyote, wrote this recently.

I had to lift it, as it perfectly adds to and fits my narrative

(Link to John:

Damn those eyes

Light and dark collide when I found you.
You are my black magic woman who make me wish for enchanting nights where you and I.

Are free and wild. Free of locked door and dormant passion. We will become wild in spirit and we will try to consume the night like the wild beast.

My Gypsy woman. Let’s find the sea and share some vodka and  juice. Let’s dance for the midnight moon and the stars. Let’s pray to the sleeping gods.  Pray for them to come alive and join us in the dance of freedom.

Damn your eyes. Those eyes make me forget I’m a prisoner of controlled and useless life.  You make me want to stripped down to nothing. Run nude and denounce my ordinary life and self-made prison. I want to be locked-up in your eyes and your embrace.

You and I have found the sea at Monterey. The Monterey sleeping ghosts come alive for us and we danced the movement of freedom.  You and I. We beckon sacred place where love can be true and we can show real face. Dispersed of fake goals and dreams. I whispered to you. Your eyes, your face, your wild heart make me want to live and die in your embrace.

Tonight we will live and tomorrow?

                              –John Castellenas/Coyote




This is just a ‘Teaser’ for my upcoming Chapter Two On Elizabeth.

I emailed her Chapter One,

(Which if you have come this far, you have already read above)

Not sure how it would ‘fly ‘with her.

I gave it fifty-fifty: Pissed, or Flattered.

Turns out she did not ‘Flame’ me.

But She was gracious and sent this respond. Perhaps She and I could give it another go?


Never gonna happen, but is a Pleasant Fiction to Ponder.

I did love her once.

“You write well, and your talents are known by just a fortunate few.You are so full of words, but with me, you don’t need to be. We were more than words.The other day this song came on the radio, and my Lance Anthony came to mind immediately. I trust you remember how I referred to this song- about you, about us.”


She attached this song,

(Pasted in a few lines in below)

And so very apropos, given our history.

“Ela, you were never much for words, but you spoke volumes to me in other, better ways.”

I still love you.

I never stopped loving you in fact:

I just could not live with you anymore.

Alison Krauss – When You Say Nothing At All 


I will send this Joan Baez back at her.

It describes me (and her—and our ‘Relationship’ to a T)

She talking at me, not really verbally.

(Verbosity was MY THING.)

But her message was always clear.

“Well, I’ll be damned; Here Comes Your Ghost Again.”

“Now you’re telling me
You’re not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague.”

Video Credit: Dave Bing

Hey Asshole Dave Bing! We do not need the lyrics fucking up this vid! Most of us have ears.

Here is a Teaser Song which will be a Centerpiece of Chapter Two.

(Elizabeth, How I first Saw you–Us–Together–A Wicked Game, but so, oh so… captivating!)

“Ela, I once called you ‘Ethereal’–I meant it when I first said it, and I say it again–Some things I hang on to, and will never let go.

You were My ‘Magical Mystery Tour-de-Force.’

I am playing a very dangerous, potentially deadly–for my heart–game with Elizabeth.

She is the quintessential Game Master–Mistress.

I am good, but not in her league.

Not even close.

She is much more skilled than me.

I may be in over my head.


But you know what?

I love The Game, or to quote Omar

From “The Wire”,

“It’s all in the game Bro.”

And it never fails to excite or stimulate

And as an aside, & IMHO,

Christine McVie was/is The Most Underrated Member of The Super-Group

That Calls itself

‘Fleetwood Mac.’

Stevie Stole All The Glory.

Now, Do Not Mistake Me:

I love Stevie Like Cash Money, but…

Christine was/is also

‘Top Shelf’ and Deserves

More Recognition.

Much More Recognition

Most people who write about ‘Fleetwood Mac’ Write about Stevie.
I write about Christine.

Lovely, Wonderful, Talented Christine


I only drop this one in for Elizabeth.

Of course She was the only one who understood that “The Joke” was always on me.

But instinctively I knew it too, but did not care:

I was ‘in-love–lust.’

Chapter Two Here

IMHO This Post Could Use Mo’ Love. It Has Been Up-Dated–More ‘Content’–Only Look If You Have A Bit of YOUR Life You Wanna WASTE. “Shit Post # 9: Meet Mr. Lance, NEWS JUNKIE”

Cornelia & Lance

News Junkies, Le Deux

Basra, Iraq 2006

Love Potion Commotions!

Love potion number 9, The Searchers

Cred for Vid: whoacanyouhelpme


Yes, this is a ‘Shit Post’



KTVA Reporter Charlo Greene QUITS On-Air

Lance Sez, “I Approve of this Message”

You Go Girl!


Watch the below vid.

You will laugh your ass off.

I Promise

And If you B’leave That…

Wanna Buy A Bridge?

Spiders on Drugs:

Street Cred For Vid: Andrew Struthers

Ditto this one below

Fredo and Andrew Cuomo

Cred For Original Content: John Ward


But this is a light-hearted Shit Post, mocking me even more than I mock Broadcast News: CNN, MSNBC, Fox, Etcetera & Ad Nausea

And I am stalling, waiting for MS Muse to respond to my recent

Proposal of Marriage

She is sitting on the couch as I type these words.

(Yeah, she came home after the lights and water were restored)

I am beginning to find her a ‘fair-weather’ muse. Just sayin’.

Don’t matter. I still love her.

She had all her props:

  • Glass of Pinot.
  • Virginia Slim
  • Cell Phone
  • IPad
  • NY Times, Washington Post, And Waco Weekly Wipe
  • Attitude

Yeah. There’s that.

Always that.

Always That Attitude: Nuclear Option


This post cannot stand alone on my prose.

The vids are requisite.

“I just have to look good; I don’t have to be clear.”

The Eagles Dirty Laundry

(Two different versions: I try to give Y’all Choices)

The volume is borked. So CRANK it up. (Video Credit: Video Music, via The YouTubes—Duh!)

Vid Creds: Global News


Love Broadcast News.

Love Mocking Broadcast News.

Love the Eye-Candy ‘Info-Babes’ on Broadcast News. (Broadcast News puts the ‘Broad’ in News)

Andrea Tantaros CNN Bra Size & Measurements

Andrea Tantaros: CNN, Bra Size & Measurements

Guys, you know you want me to drop the link.


Suffer in Silence


Love that I harbor no true malice toward Broadcast News, but G’damn! they are so transparent with their bias.

Added Value: Holly-Go-Lightly

I sincerely hope you have enjoyed this brief interlude shit post I wrote while cooling my heels waiting for MS Muse to respond to my Proposal of Marriage


(‘Story at Eleven’)


Bonus ‘Added Value’

More Don Lemon-Head Fails

Credit to John Ward: Genius Man

“No, it’s awful.”

My Cross to Bear

My Spirit ‘Man-able’: Ted Koppel

Video Compilation Credit Below: iLoveChrisCuomo

Uh… Homo-Erotica?

CNN: The Most Trusted Name In News?

Am I homo-phobic?

No! But these two wear me out!

Some of my Best Friends are Fags (This is a JOKE BTW!)

“I love you Don Lemon.”

You never fail to entertain.

Now Please Excuse me while I puke—‘vacuate’ my stomach.

And my mind.

“The Memes Become Reality”


Don & Chris:

Two Marshmallows Colliding in Mid-Air:


Top Ten Lemon-Head Fails

Content Creator: John Ward


Ignore the below, the last on your radio dial, because WordPress is FU*KED UP!

Won’t let me delete it!

It just keeps spinning ‘round an’ ‘round sucking up bandwidth.

Bandwidth I have not to spare,

Nor desire to share.

Fu*k you WordPress!

“Uploading” it perpetually says.

Hey Whore-Press!

How ‘bout I ‘upload’ my Nine Millimeter into your dome?

How would that grab ya?

Blood Sweat & Tears – Spinning Wheel


I got ‘on the horn’ w/WP

Kind service rep fixed my problem:

Toot Sweet!

Un-Fun Facts:

Dick Van Dyke was an Alcoholic

(And So is Lance)

Vid Share Cred: TheRatbasher

All-in-all, WP has Great Customer Service.

No denying that.

I take back my un-happy words hurled at Them…

Until the next time They-Piss-Me-Off


The Gnats Are Back & Having A ‘Gnat Blast’ At My Personal Annoyance

Yeah, The Gnats are Back!

(They Had Flown South For The Winter)

Yet I had expected them much sooner than Today

They Musta Taken A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

I Had A ‘Welcome Home’ Greeting For ’em

See What A “Nice, Thoughtful” Guy I Am?

Office Space


Now… where did I put that DDT?

“Bobbie, Reach me the DDT will ya Girl?”


So, I am tryin’ real hard

(Yes it is hard. Hey! Get Yer Mind Outta That Gutter!)

Tryin’ real hard to tone down on the drinkin’.

Poured me a ‘HALF-GLASS’ of booze. Not much more than would fill a hen’s ear–(Now, Y’all know I’m lyin’) into a ‘Normal’ booze glass as opposed to my usual, ‘Barrel Glass Runneth Over.’


Phone started ringing (as it sometimes do)

Set my glass on the counter and waltzed over to pick-up the phone:

“Hello,” I said.

Voice on the line asked,

“Is this Lance Marcom?”

“Might be. Might Not Be. What do you want?”

“Mister Marcom, I am Helga with Corporation Blah, Blah, Blah. Our records indicate you are two months in arrears. When may we expect a payment to your account?”

“Let me get back to you on that. My Fridge is running and I need to go catch it before it escapes.”


Bitch Hung Up On me; Didn’t Even Say “Goodbye”

I Cannot Even Imagine Why


Remembered My ‘Left-All-Alone’ Booze Glass.

Went back to re-capture it and take it hostage for my liver.

Discovered the Gnats were having a Gnat Pool Party in MY DRINK. Doing back-flips, canon balls, and competitive diving off the rim of my glass.

These Are The “New” Gnats.

They Developed Swimming Anatomies

See How Quickly ‘Evolution’ Can Happen?

Gotta Keep Up With ‘Current Events’

Life Always Finds A Way

Fu*kin’ Gnats!

Pool Party!


The Cajones On These Assholes!

I rescued my glass and drank down the booze along with the Fun-Loving Gnats.

“That’ll teach ‘em, by God!”
I said to no one in particular.


Theme Song:


“Hey Look At Me… With The DDT”

Shared Vid Cred: benjichilders


Footnote to the Story:

After taking Inventory, Discovered I was Dangerously low-on-Booze.

Needed to go shopping next day.

Gonna go down and shop at

“The Tom Waits Booze Emporium & Bicycle Shoppe”

Cheers Y’all!

Left-Over Food. Left-Over Dreams. Fell Apart At The Seams. White Trash King!

That’s Just Me


Lance A. ‘Bubba’ Marcom

The Man

The Myth

The Legend


Pure-D White Trash

Lance-A-Lot O’Trash:

Charter Member In Good Standing Of The


“National Association For The Advancement Of White Trash”

Just A Big Kid Havin’ Fun.

Don’t Take It Personal Y’all


“White Trash” – Tom MacDonald & Madchild

“Happy And Broke”


My Fridge:

Left On my Bed. Instead. No worries. I can sleep around it.

I’ve got enough left-over food (some weeks gone-by of age-Waste not. Want not!) in my fridge to ‘Feed Cox’s Army’

‘Feed Cox’s Army…’ An expression Janet (An EX) used to hurl at me upon often occasion.

Anyway… I got NO Room! No ROOM! For my Beer! But I don’t care!

I am sorta European in this regard.
I LOVE Warm Beer!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I know:

I am pure-dee Bona-Fide White Trash.

And I LOVE TV Dinners!

(If the sauce is not too blue)

Astute observers will note the

Ouija Board

in this video below


Added Value:

I Do LOVE Me Some Dixie Chicks


Caint Say ‘Dixie’ No Mas

My Bad

“White Trash Weddin'”

Bye Fer Now

Y’all come back now, ya he’ah

“Tales From The Fridge Crypt” or “My Refrigerator Frightens Me” Or “Nightmare On My Street”

I Really Should Practice Better

Fridge Hygiene


It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

And It’s How I Get My Greens

And The Blues

But Y’all Know:

A Sailor Will Eat




ZZ Top TV Dinners

I Even Like The Chicken If The Sauce Is Not Too Blue”




The Most DISGUSTING Fridges On Kitchen Nightmares

Cred: Gordon Ramsay


Just Eat It Asshole!

Cred: Weird Al


What Happens If You Eat Mold?

Credit: What If

Sometimes I Have “Great Notions”

I read the book in 1971

(Not en français, bien sur)


Then Guess what happened in ’72?

They Released The Movie!

Avec An All-Star Cast

Theatrical Trailer:


Charley Pride:

‘All His Children’

Stamper Home:

Wish it were Mine


“Now that ain’t no new truck, but I sure do feel better”

Does it Show? How Much I Love This Movie.

Newman Directed

Highly Recommended.

This is what Oregon used to be.

(Before All The Morons Took Over)


Viv: “For what? For what?””

Henry: “Well Hell. Don’t ya know? To keep on goin’, that’s what. To work and sleep and screw eat and drink and keep on going.

Viv: “And that’s all?”

Henry: “Honey Sweet, that’s all there is. It’s a whole ball of wax.”

Minor Spoiler Alert Regarding A Minor Character–Not Really Important


More Trivial/Useless Info:

This film was the first movie ever shown on HBO when the service premiered in 1972.


“Cats to kill, eggs to hatch, wood to chop, and ground to scratch.”—Henry Stamper


Added Bonus:

More ‘H. Stamper’


‘Tis a Good Character Name:

Henry/Hank/Harry Stamper