Just Who The Hell Do You Think You Are? “Mister Big Stuff? I Don’t Think so Cowboy!”

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Thank you Abby (Wherever you are finding yourself these days)

This below was inspired by a post from a blogger I much admire: Abby of Abby Has Issues fame: writer, published author, blogger, self-described sarcastic (and inspiring–my words) You Wench/Bitch! J/K!  I LOVE You!

Jean Knight – Mr Big Stuff

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“Who am I?”

“Who do I Think I am? Who/What Should I be?”

Those should be a very provocative questions for all. Some ancient Greek guy once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

I am rapidly approaching my sixth decade on This Earth and have been (painfully) taking stock of all that I could call “My Life.” What good have I accomplished? What are the bad things I have done? How many ‘friends’ do I have? How many bridges have I nuked? (I generally do not ‘burn’ bridges; I have a tendency to shock and awe ‘em—obliterate ‘em)

I have put my boots on the ground on every continent except South America. What has this taught me? A lot. Did I always use this knowledge gleaned? Most definitely not.

“Who am I?”

More and more I have come to the stark realization that I must sum me up with one word:

‘Asshole’

I am an asshole. I don’t want to be an asshole, pompous ass, arrogant ass, the smartest ass in the room, (which I obviously am… maybe once in ten or twenty tries 😉 )

I do not want to be any kind of ass, but that is my reality. I have made some friendships during my life which should have lasted forever, but didn’t: Mostly from my neglect. I have had some wonderfully loving relations with women, and actually married four of them.

Each one of those relationships should have been a lasting euphoria, but I did not, could not, would not, allow that.

Wanderlust always took me away, eventually needing to ‘get outta town’, but with no malice, just gotta go…

‘This is the part where the cowboy rides away’–find some elusive spot half-way across the globe where I could ‘find’ ME, unencumbered by people who ‘love’ me and think they can help me.

Not sure if I have ‘found me’ yet. And this is disconcerting, ‘cause I do fear the time for that is growing shorter. Writing helps, but I continue to struggle with:

“Who am I?”

I still don’t know.

As Abby broached the subject:

“How would you answer the question?”

Run with it, and drop in to read Abby: (and tell her I sent ya–I could use the publicity and btw, this link actually works)

Cheers Y’all and Happy Monday.

16 thoughts on “Just Who The Hell Do You Think You Are? “Mister Big Stuff? I Don’t Think so Cowboy!””

  1. To steal the best line (quote) from a very bad movie (Jurassic Park),
    “I am always looking for the next ex-Missus Marcom.” (sic)
    Yeah sick.
    Cheers,
    Lance-on-the-hunt.

  4. Four wives, eh? Me too, but I kept the last one because she was supposed to have been the first (and only) one. One of the exes is down yonder somewhere in Texas, last I heard. Any old place that’s far away from me is just fine — I nuke bridges, too, once I’m certain there’s no good to come from crossing them.

    I don’t know if it’s truly insightful or just plain bullshit, but after spending a few years thinking about the question “Who am I?”, mulling it over during long periods of solitude and really grinding on it, I concluded that the question itself was perfectly meaningless and any seemingly valid answer would have been just as perfectly useless. It might be that I gave up too soon and with a bit more effort I could have found the ultimate, defining answer and it would have been life altering, but I had a life that wasn’t being lived at all well by my sitting there in the woods cogitating.

  5. Pingback: Pain | Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics

  6. I haven’t watched a movie, which makes me reflect more on my life and where I should be headed than Wild Strawberries. I have really taken a liking for Foreign films over the last few years, but this and Bergman’s ‘Winter Light’ would be my picks of the bunch.Let us know when you finally get round to seeing it. As always look forward to reading your humorous and enlightening posts. Gets my day onto the right foot 🙂

  7. I once actually owned a book by (or about) Bergman. Left it with the last wife. I have ‘Wild Strawberries’ on my ‘to watch’ list. As I may have mentioned, I have only seen “Seventh Seal’, but I will dive deeper into this man’s movies. Subtitles don’t scare me none. B/W don’t scare me none. Wish I could say same for some of my friends. (Ted Turner should be drawn and quartered for ‘colorizing’)

    Thank you for reading Matt. I do appreciate that. (Hey! That almost rhymed!)
    Cheers,
    -Lance

  8. Great read Lance. Highly recommend ‘Wild Strawberries’ by Ingmar Bergman which is about ‘taking stock’ and ‘who am I’. It’s a realignment process based on soulful reflection. I have been an arsehole too, but there is always a chance to turn it all around. It’s the little things. Cheers.

  10. I do not know why you say that. I do not see that you come across as an uncaring asshole.
    And I believe your audience values you. as well.

  11. OKay, now you made ME Cry.
    Thank you Teela.
    Writing is important to me, even though I come across as an uncaring asshole; I value my audience.
    Thank you for your wonderful sentiment.

  12. I was going to let sleeping dogs lie, but my bigmouth self refuses to oblige.
    So, I thought I would tell you who you are to me.
    There are nights when all I can do is cry, hurt and hate. I know I should count my blessings, but when night falls and all is silent myself is what I get. .
    I look for your stories every night before I go to sleep. They give me a sense of nostalgia, of a time that no longer exists that I miss. They give me peace and always a smile. Your writing is important to me for those reasons. And you are an awesome story teller. You are good at it.
    And so what, you’re an asshole at times, I’m a bitch at times.
    I couldn’t get this outta my head today and well. There it is.

  13. Ya know Abby; I do believe you’re right. And I am working on improvements 😉
    Thanks for stopping by, reading, and for your very constructive input.

  14. You sound like you DO know who you are, but that maybe you’re just not that satisfied with what you found. But “asshole” is relative, and how you see yourself is probably entirely different than how other people might see you. As long you’re okay with yourself, more power to you. At least you know who you are. 🙂

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