William Henry–Tale Of A Moron–This Time, Not Me. (If I Only Had A Brain–I’d Take It Out & Play Texas High-School Football With It)

Football Heroes come in all shapes and sizes.

(And IQ’s)



Of COURSE I read the book.




Back in 1974 I found myself at Warrior Stadium, Watching the HG Warriors kick the ever’ loving shit outta those Fannindale (dale?, del?)  Ladonia! I was born in that town, ’57! Guess I can call their football team what-ever-the-fuck I want…  Falcons.

I should have been on the field, but I had opted out my senior year, because I was tired of the whole “Friday Night Lights” shit.

And I was too busy.

Seated on opposite sides of me were Joe Whitley (Who was a math teacher and a rancher and father of my girlfriend, and also my employer) and William Henry—Local Big Boy and World – Famous Drunk.

Local lore and legend has it that William Henry once killed an entire gallon of Mogen-David wine without taking a single breath. And was able to walk away under his own power.

We were seated near the top of the stadium, nearly to the “Press Box.”

William Henry looked behind and spied something that interested him.

Behind the stands was the ‘Practice Field’ of the Famed Honey Grove Warriors.

There was a ‘Blaster Machine’ parked there.

Joe and I watched William Henry navigate down the stands and make his way toward same.

We watched with great curiosity as William Henry studied this machine.

He backed up ‘bout fifty foot and charged head-long into it.


It slid back ‘bout ten feet.

He shook his head.

Went back another fifty foot.

Charged again.

Hit it full force.


Slid back another ten foot.

William Henry in earnest now hit it with all his might (and his head)


Still did not get through.

(Blaster Machines are a one – way street)

Joe and I watched him navigate his way back up to our seat.

He sat down, and with blood running into his eyes, said,

“Ya know, you gotta be one tough sumbitch to play football!”

True Story.



Top 10 Best Friday Night Lights Moments

Cred: MsMojo

And As A ‘Pissed-Off Aside, Some Times, When I Am Trying To ‘Share’ A Vid, I Have Time To Take A Shit, Shower, And Shave. Get Drunk And Also Sober Up While Waiting For The Vid To Up-Load!

Good Gawd! What Year Is This? 1999?

C’mon Internet! Cross That Bridge Into The 21st Century!


7 thoughts on “William Henry–Tale Of A Moron–This Time, Not Me. (If I Only Had A Brain–I’d Take It Out & Play Texas High-School Football With It)

  1. Ah…William Henry. Once lost his glass eye on the square in front of Duke & Ayres. Found it rolled up next to curb. Washed it off with some Schlitz – his preferred brew – and popped ‘er right back in.

  2. Remember the time William Henry fell into the campfire at JW’s deer camp? Melted the back outta his fake goose down coat. Was walking around with only the two sleeves and front. “Hey, I feel a draft”

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