Category Archives: Aging

I Need to Rent A Life! (Or Maybe Just Another Wife) Just Want One More Life–A “Do-OVer–” That is all I want! Too Much to Ask? “Example Of How I Tempt Fate With My Abusive Muse”

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She is so Lovely, Endearing, When She’s Mad

I cannot resist.

Because I am a Simple-Minded, Stupid Son-of-a-Bitch Dumb-Ass Sailor.

Apropos and Poignant Songs For Our Current Current.

(But ‘Don’t Let It Bring You Down’—‘Sorry Neil’)

Y’all Know I am Ninety Percent Positive and Upbeat.

So, My Mood WILL Improve with just a little ‘liquid propulsion.’

“Hey Muse! Reach Me A Beer! I am a Man Indeed in Need!”

MS Muse saunters over, smacks the shit outta Me, Up-Side My Head, then says,

“That is all what you ‘Need.’ Now get back to work and STOP SHIT-POSTING.”

(Guess I will be fetching my own beers from now on.)

“Dogs Eat Dogs. Cats Eat Rats. Rats Eat Roaches. Big Fish Eat Smaller Fishes,

But Humans Eat Earth,

And Shit Her Out.

Then Just Walk Away.

(Please Watch this one—it does not end when you think it should end)

I LOVE you Joni!

“Artifice, brutality, and innocence“

“The Perfect Girl: She Is All That Matters”

Lord Knows, I Have Had A Few

“Keep The Drinks Comin’ Girl, ’till I can’t Feel Anything.”

Fun Fact (Justin Case You Missed It) :

Joni Is The Soldier In The Video.

Shallow, Empty Lives, Devoid of Substance (But at Least We Retain Our Shiny Toys)

BONUS TRACK:

All these songs belong to Joni

(But Y’all knew that already)

Yep. I stole them.

But Joni and I are ‘tight’–She forgives me.

There is one exception:

The one I stole from Neil Young

Gentle Readers:

If Y’all Frequent My Blog It Helps if You are a ‘Joni Fan.’

Just sayin’.

*******

Just for Convenience, and out of respect and fondness for my Readers,

I drop in this Lancelot, Secret Chimp

Missing Link

To ‘Abusive Muse’

************

Just stop and say “Hello in There” ever’ once in a while.

(But not to me: I am an asshole)

I’m So Fricken Stupid… I’ve Misplaced My Mind. Cannot Believe I Actually Wrote This Shite! “Daily Lenny: Judge Aaron Albamiser (sp) And This Has Turned Into a Rant. Sorry…” Well, Fuck Me! Word-De-Pressed Will Not Allow Me to Properly Edit This. Imagine My Surprise!

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Shit! This needs to be placed further down, but WordPress is Fukking Stupid. So I am forced to place it here:

Git a Rope

“Cocksucker”

“Two Four Letter Words And A Preposition”

lmfao

P.S., the Fonts in this post ar’ all fucked up. I’m too lazy to fix them. I hope yu can read. If’n Ya wanna….PPS This Post is Rather ZObnoxious and Insulting. If Your Skin Be Thin, Don’t Read It. Just go somewhere else.

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Judge Aaron Albamiser & Lenny Bruce:
“Thick Fingers and a Homemade Glass Eye.”
“A Red-Headed Junk-yard Jew.”

–Lenny

He Said “Blah Blah Blah”

Friends, Romans, (Progressive Texans) & Others:

(Don’t some of Y’all hate to be classified as ‘Others’?

Smacks of Intellectual Racism to me, but that’s just me.)

Don’t you fain to disclaim?

Me no Alamo!

How does it feel?

How does it feel?

How the fuck does it feel?

To be on the long side of the short fence?

For Real?

Lend Me Your Beers!

(And yer FB password. Trust Me. I’m with the Government.)

Here is your (once again belated) Daily Lenny:

And Thanks for Listening, wherever you are.

Let The Buyer Beware

And now I am gonna step out on a limb and say this:

I am with my Brothers and Sisters in the Ukraine.

Keep your eyes on the prize.

(And I do not speak that flippantly; I mean it. The whole world is watching)

Oh, and thanks for listening (Did I say that already?)

Well hell! Appreciation can never be over-played (if it is sincere)

In this case, rest assur’d it is (“Hey Madge?! Did he mean ‘over-played’ or ‘sincere’? Can never get a ‘read’ on this schmuck.”)

Cheers to all.

And if you’d get a kick reading/hearing more about it, go here:

http://texantales.com/category/lenny-bruce/

Simply because, “An uneducated proletariat is a danger to freedom.”

That is My Lance Quote; I just made it up. But, Goddamn it! I do believe it.

“Aw Shit! Lance dun gone Commie on us!. Git a rope!”

Not at all. Nope. Cool yer Heels Cowboy! Lance just knows something has gone horribly wrong…with His Texas, and more importantly, with His America. It used to be His America.

Now, it seems. It ain’t.

*End of Rant*

If you have come thus far…

Well; you are a Commie!

(Just kidding)

And of course…My National Anthem:

Just for Multi-Media Attention:

If You don’t want to stand in-line…well… REFORM

(If Y’all don’t catch my drift… well then:

I am writing with no ink in my virtual pen.

And the line forms to the right. 

Get in-line!

And have fun.

And y’all thought I was bull-shitting when I posted a previous Rant:

Wake Up Lance!

I was speaking To America.

My America.

Addendum:

I just recently completed a Mark Twain Marathon, by Ken Burns.

“Good for you, Lance Marcom; we are happy you are soooo.. much into (Our) American History…”

I wanted such a telegram, but, alas, there are no telegrams today.

So, it may seem I was born too late…

For such Liberty.

No matter.

WE, We, WE can forge our own liberty, in that same same spirit.

If we have the wherewithal.

Alas, I fear we have not.

We have the Constitution; we have The Law of Our Land; we have Our Precedent…

Alas, we have not the will

The Will, we lack . Today .

This was to be… a simple American Call to Arms.

Alas, I do not know if I am young enuff to muster:

My time has long since past.

I have not the passion to fight yet another war.

Lord knows (and that is a metaphor) I have NOT  the will, nor the strength to fight such a war, yet, I am there, in spirit. I would gladly die for MY Country: My long lost America.

Rebel? Most Certainly.

Rebellious against my country?

Never

Therein lies that dilemma,

Not I! For I am too old, and this kind of business falls to younger men

BUT, when I see the masses, the masses, in squalor, I get pissed.

Really pissed.

When CEO’s in this country make ten thousand times more than the workers…

Well, it upsets me.

(any geographical or grammatical errors are surely mine. I do apologize)

These opinions are solely mine own.

Yet, I welcome our modern-day NSA to come knock on MY DOOR.

I certainly do.

Now…

I can finally be sated (for now)

And…I am gonna continue with this for some few weeks, until I give up…

But, Y’all know, when I get unto a ‘kick’ I hang on.

So…we shall see.

–Lance Out

Wow Lance! THAT was some long-winded RANT!

heheheheh

No Worries: Nobody Read it but The NSA of the USA.

There’s somethin’ happening Here…

 

(This Post is all over-some-place—- sorry)Just My Re-Livin’ My UBH Experience(s): “You Can Take That Mary Poppins UMbrella and Shove it Straight UP U’re Ass. And Then fly all the way home! All Alone.”

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Fav Things:

I love Angela Cartwright

Esoteric Ref…. Sorry!

I Just Caint Hep it!

Lost in Her Space!

Her outter space space race!

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My Gawd! How Much How Much I MISS HER!

UBH Post Continuation Teaser

I Met such wonderful, intelligent folks in re-hab.

All were so intelligent and so eloquent.

No. I’m not talkin’ ’bout the staff; I’m talkin’ ’bout my fellow inmates.

Oh My GAWD!

Instant Karma!“

“You Better Get Yourself Together;

Pretty soon You’re Gonna Be Ded”

 

I met a young broken woman while at Rehab.

(Hell! We were all ‘broken.’ Otherwise how the fuck did WE ALL END UP IN THIS PLACE??)

Let us call her name, “Kelsey” (Because that was probably her name)

Once while KNEE deep in some dark philosophical discussion she looked me dead in my eye and said,

“You can take that Marry Poppins umbrella and fly the fuck outta town.”

Instant Love and Instant Karma.

“Ethel, (The Cambodian) Pirate’s Daughter” seated next to me was not amused by my most recent love lust and infatuation.

But that is how things ‘work’ while in Rehab. Relationships are fleeting and ten-a-penny and not worth a cup of warm spit once one escapes…

Rehab.

Borrowed Karma

The payback and the interest is a mother-fucker.

(Please trust me on this; I know from where I speak)

Now, please, if you please, quietly fuck the fuck off.

“The line forms to the right.”

Internal Lance Voice chimes in:

“Who on Earth do you think you are? A Superstar?”

“Well Wrong You Are!”

Monkey World. We’re Livin’ In. Contact Yer Next ‘O Kin! (Or Your Best Mes-I-can) No Borders! No Fear Dear! Fuk You Fauci & CDC!

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Salt Man On Monkeys:

Fuk U CDC!

I’m Livin’ My Life!

Take Your Quarantine

And

Shove it

Up Yer Azz!

****

WuFlu Without Borders!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

LMFAO!!

*****

P.S., If any one of my readers has lost a loved one to this virus, I am so sorry. This is just a frivolous, smart-ass’d tongue-in-cheek post. Constructed for Humor–That’s All. Mocking the hysteria

Love,

Lance

It’s just me, Self-Deprecatin’. UBH: Cast of Caricatures

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“Comphy Numb“

Only Decent Performance This Asshole

Dee-Crapio

Ever Did

  1. Sal (Hispanic Marine) Gift of Gab and Excellent Sense of Humor “Sadder than a Midget with a Yo-yo.” His quote. Not mine.

  2. Lydia (Old and Gray and Grizzled Away—but wonderful)

  3. Michael (Big dude. ‘Bout thirty stone.) We called him “Pete”—not sure why

  4. Christine (Bat – shit crazy. And obnoxious. And a bitch–but just for one day. Then she found politeness. And then fit right in with our “in-crowd.”)

  5. Jacob— Junkie—young junkie—Always wearing a Nirvana T-Shirt–nuff said.

  6. Phil—Texan—issues he had—showed up drunk Day One and checked himself in. Not sure how that works, but whatever.

  7. Nino (My ‘Roommate’) Did not like him, but he was there, so, what ever-the fuck-ever.

  8. Kelsey (my favorite ‘broken’ one’—loved her) “Take the Mary Poppins Unbrella and fly the fuck out of town.”

  9. And of course,

  10. Yannah…

  11. “T” I mean, “Ethel, the Pirate’s Daughter.” And cheater at Black Jack (and life in general)

No doxing here.

Whoops!

Too late.

This “Story” is going somewhere.

I just need to line up the cast and crew.

Stand by…

But one last quote from Sal:

“Kids are like little drunk Midgets.”

I promised him I would steal that quote.

Now I have.

Promise fulfilled.

P.S. This piece was more fun to write than it will ever be fun to read.

You realize you have a problem when you laugh at your own jokes.

“Time to seek council Son.”

“I heard you were a drunkard’s drunkard.”

“Never when I’m working!”

“Give me my sin again.”

“You kiss by-the-book.”

(Brook???)

(I LOVE SHAKESPEARE!)

And Claire Has Such Wonderful,

Beautiful eyes….

And yes! My mind has departed for destinations unknown

This Post is in Such Serious Desperation for an Edification, or Maybe an Enema. Or Maybe Le Both–Simultaneous. Because I’m A Fukking Idiot. & A Chocolate Mess! And I Approach Life with a Laissez-faire Philosophy. i.e., I do Not Give A Shit. “Escape From Memphis–Chapter Le One”–Re-Load–Have Fun!

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This Never Happened To Me

When I Got Out Of The Naveee!

Alas!

Kiss Mine Ass

(I lived Over It)

Ed. Note to All You Nattering Nabobs of Nay-Sayers down there in the ‘Commentary Section’:
I say this:
‘This is “My Side” of the Story!’
Read Between the Lines if You Must.

(Or feel compelled.)

*****

Lance, No Longer Down an’ Out In

Memphis, Tennessee:

Street Vid Cred: kndfbl

Joni! Joni! Joni!

I Love You!

You Are Such a Large Part of My So-Called Life!

******

Credit: Marc Cohn

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And SCREW YOU WORDPRESS For Not Allowing Me to Delete this below BROKEN Up-Load!!!

Stuck on STUPID.

******

 

She just sat there on the front porch, smoking Camel Blues, sipping diet Dr. Pepper, and watching as I scurried back and forth, worker ant-like, schlepping boxes and boxes and boxes and sundry other shit to my Ford.
Never said a word.
Never shed a tear.
I was leaving her!
What the fuck?
No tears?
No desperation?
No tears?
No tears?
No tears?
No nada?
English!
English!
English!

(You live with Meskins, expect beans on the menu, ever’ once in a while.)
English!
Stiff upper lip and all that jazz…

After I had packed the Ford to the point of tightness unimagined (you could have poured a bottle of Jim Beam into it and not one drop would escape), I walked to the front porch and announced,

“Well, I guess that’s it then.”
“You’re leaving now?”
“Yeah, that’s the plan,” I said.
She stood up, looked me in the eye. I threw my arms around her and hugged her deep.
Now we were both crying.
I managed to blurt out something profound…
“I’m so sorry Helen.”

“Take good care of you,” she said, blinking back the tears.
I slow-walked to the Ford, looking back through MY tears only once. Got in, cranked her up and drove away.
The part where the cowboy rides away…
Took me a block an’ a half to stop crying.
Then I was so over it.
And her.

Four blocks later I realized I could not see out of my side-view rear-view mirror. My dismantled computer chair in the passenger seat was blocking my vision. This would never do. I pulled into a vacant parking lot and jettisoned said computer chair.
Just left it there in the dust.
With my life.

Merry Early Fucking Christmas to someone.
Some homeless one in Memphis.
And drove on, westward.
Nine minutes later at sixty-five miles per hour, I was crossing the Big Muddy and entering Arkansas.
I had achieved escape velocity.
I turned on the radio.
Loud and proud.

CDB was screaming something about Trudy and telephones.
And calling her.
And jail.
I cranked it up and sang along.
Very happy and oh so fucking proud of me.
My new life had just begun.
Just another tequila sunrise.
As I drove west with the sun over my shoulder.
So many thoughts were flying around in my head, gnat like… buzzing.
I was almost giddy.
I was staring down six hours of road trip.

No big deal, but it had been almost ten years since I had taken to the road or air or sea, and I was just a mite apprehensive.
“You can do this Lance,” I whispered to me over the radio, now playing Van Morrison.
“Hear That Robin Sing.’
Hours and hours and hours into Arkansas (when did Arkansas get so fucking BIG?)

I found a trucker’s rest stop and so I stopped.
And rested.
And pee’d.
Had to.
Walked about
Had to.
Stretched my legs.
Had to.

“Where is Texas?” Halfway through Arkansas…. And halfway from what I had called ‘home’ for ten years.
“What am I doing?”
“Going West, Young Man, Goin’ West.”
“Oh yeah, I almost had forgotten.”
By and by I hit the “border”
(On the border)

Wanted to stop and take a selfie in front of the sign what read, “Welcome To Texas, Drive Friendly.” But it was Interstate and not safe to do so, so I just kept on driving.
And singing at me!

“Texas! Oh Texas!”
“You are finally home, Cowboy!”
Now what?
Keep driving, I suppose.

I had pre-arranged a ‘garage’ to store my shit.
A ‘rent-a-space’ shed in Commerce.
Got a phone call from the proprietor….

“Lance, you still coming?”
“Yeah, fast as I can, but I will not arrive in time for your departure. Can you HBO? Help a brother out? I will arrive Commerce about 1800 hours…. Leave the key in the lock box or something; I want to off-load my shit before I go to the hotel.”
“Sure, got a CC number for me?”
“Yeah, no worries.”

That sorted, I drove on.
Presently I arrived Sulphur Springs.
And promptly got lost.
Could not find the road to Commerce.
Well, shit!
It had been some years and beers and tears since I had had to make this trek.

Finally found the proper road and guess what?
It was ‘under construction’ as they do.
Took me some few little minutes to navigate through that, but…. Finally… on the road again.

Commerce in my sights now.
Sped into town, saw Whitley Hall, High Rise and shouted out loud: HOME!
“Thank fucking God!’
(And this was a push for me, for as you know, I am an atheist)
Found the ‘rent-a-shed’ and off-loaded my shit.
Went to the Adult Beverage Store.
Then found the Magnuson, formally known as “The Holiday Inn Express,” checked in, and got very, very, very drunk.

Chapter Two Coming…
Whew!
Chapter One is Done!
Writing is hard!

As is my wont, I drop in music.
Music defines me, and yes, my life has a soundtrack.
I suppose this don’t make me nothing special.
Just yet one more schmuck.
Trying to get by.
And Waiting for Godot
(Vain reference from my college / university daze.)

Beautiful Loser

Read it on the wall.
Blue moon with heartache.
Nick of time

“Scared you’ll run outta time.”
Love has no pride
This old cowboy—MTB

Escape From Memphis–Chapter Two

Part threee may be discovered here:

New Life.  Video Credit: Cool Coyote  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9mNquw1Fc7beFfQ8OpnjRQ

Blinking back the tears.

Dont’ Toss Us Away So Thoughtlessly

Yeah I Screwed up the punctuation.

Screw punct-U-a shun— and spelling too