Hahaha! I Should Seek Council and Then Be ‘Put Away’ For Permanent! “Screwed! Cork-Screw’ed! Properly In Peril!”

You Got the Heart, But You Ain’t Got the Tools

****

Ever seen a grown man cry?

My Corkscrew is a Broke-Dick Dog!

Those who claim to know me…

Will unner-stan what a crisis this be for me!

****

I’m old enough, and ‘country enuff’ to remember having a ‘party line.’

Any of Y’all remember those?

(Thank You Hank JR:—You have always Been an Inspiration for Me) :

I suppose I could always smash the bottle against some concrete.

OOPs!–Over Did It!

************

But, in the doing of that… I may spill some of that, that, that I need so much!

Ever’ Drop!

(Lance is an alcoholic, doan’cha know—and Juicers are very good at rationing their Booze Provisions—we plan ahead!)

But There are always ‘options.’

And ‘work-arounds’

Just requires some ‘critical thinking’ and ‘Critical Drinking’—

and a Brain–

None of which I have readily available to me at this moment.

“Hello! DT Me!–

(DT’s — Self-imposed!)

Been a while!

Long time no see!

How’s the family?

How’s the wife and kids?

(I have a bit of Scottish in me… but it came out of a bottle—not out of Scotland…)

The Drunk Scotsman

Cred for Share Vid: Saine Tarasind

***

Since we are travelling about the UK…

Irish Rovers-Drunken Sailor

Best line from the Song:

“We’ll put him in a long boat ’til he’s sober.”

Vid Share Cred: John Kenton

***

I love my life.

I love that I am, by nature, a happy person.

“Lance, Just Go Shoot Yourself. In the Head. Twice. And Try Not to Miss This Time.”

HOLLYWOOD!

Up-Dated!!

Re-Visit This One Y’all.

It is Crzy Awesome!

The Vids! The Vids! The Vids!

Ignore My Bloviatin’ Prose!

Please Watch The Videos!

Lance! Go Screw Yerself!

OK

Author’s Note and Warning

How I hear my “inner post Voice”:

Or, if you prefer,

“Clang Clang Clang Went My Folly”

Maybe THIS Version Won’t

Take

Three Frickin’ Decades To Load!

Here’s to Hopin’!

Hollywood Killed Judy With Drugs

“They Killed Judy!”

THOSE BASTARDS!!

My Daddy, Dr. Ralph A. Marcom,

once said something incredible stupid to me. Actually it was more of a lament.

He was just thinking out loud, I suppose.

I was knee – deep in my rehearsals with Sister Madelyn, getting ready to perform “The Sound of Music” — read about that somewhere else in these pages. Anyway, he said to me, or asked me: “Why don’t kids ever get together and say, “Let’s put on a show?”

I said, “Daddy, ‘Summer – Stock’ was just a fantasy. No one ever lived that.”

I think that was the beginning of the ending of my relationship, my good one, with my father.

Summer Stock, Le Trailer:

Vid Cred: Panos Golfis

Vid Cred: pokeahugkiss

Street Cred for Vid: kherrick90

Hooray For Hollywood!

***

I May Be Mistaken,

But I Think All The Broads In This Vid

Are The Same Broad:

Christina Aguilera

All Tongue-in-Cheek! I love it!

Credit: TOPPOP: Star sisters

“Any barmaid can be a star-made”

*******

Hey Film Buffs!
This (Below) is Required Watching!

Right On!

Spot On!

Dead On!

Thank YOU! Critical Drinker Man!

You Nailed My Same Same Sentiment!

Visit Crit Drinker Here Below:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSJPFQdZwrOutnmSFYtbstA

The Genesis of all this Bullshit:

*****

And No!
I also did NOT watch ‘The Oscars’ on My Tee-Vee Either.

I had Something Better to Do!

Like Picking The Lint Outta My Belly-Button.

(Which Was More Gratifying & Satisfying)

******

Golden Age
Lost Now–Magic Has Gone
Never Get It Back
That Ship Has Sailed
Out-of-Sight
Missing Somewhere Over That Recent Rainbow…

My father used to tell a great story about some university asshole who was trying to impress him:

Dude said,

“The reason Wizard of Oz was in Black and White was because in the beginning, 1939, they really did not have color film.”

Daddy replied, “That is fascinating. I suppose when Dorothy got back to Kansas, they had lost that technology, as it went back to black and white.”

Come On!

Get Happy!!

What a Dame!

Judy! Judy! Judy!

****


There definitely ain’t nothin’ like a dame

******

No Business Like Show Business….
Adding-dumb Dumb da Dumb

(I miss my Daddy; He loved Old Movies)

“What’s The Difference? We’re All Theater”

******

Bonus’esses

Excesses???

(Bring Your Own Dresses)

Of course the Andrews Sisters Inter-text did not escape me.

It’s Silly and Stupid

(But Rather Endearing) :

*****

I love My Oh So Rich American Culture–I Ain’t Rich, but surely you know what I mean.

I love my excesses

Bring your own dresses

*****

Am I gay?

No!

No Way!

I don’t Play that way.

(I just Color outside the lines.)

Thou Talk’st Of NOTHING. Pete–Re-Pete, Peter-Pan! Lance Will Never Grow Up. Where Would Be the Fun In That? “The Flat-Bed Truck and The Pastel Sun-Dress”

Kelsea Ballerini – Peter Pan: 

****

I Just Wanna Have FU-UN!

Cred: Cyndi Lauper

***

I Mean,

Otherwise

What’s Life All About Then?

Cred: Cilla Black & Burt Bacharach

***

C’est Moi!

Sun-Dressed:

Thou Talks of Nothing:

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

PITY PARTY WARNING!

WARNING!

WARNING!

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

DANGER!

“NO BARE FEET BEYOND THIS POINT!

(THIS MEANS YOU!)

And Here is a news flash for you Marcom:

Ronnie Died about fifty year ago. Get the fuck over it!

“Golly Gosh, My Lord. I am tryin’ to… but you see…I have been watching this “Game of Thrones” thing on the Television…”

“The what?”

“TV.”

“Never heard of such nonsense.”

“Yes, My Lord. Me neither.”

Whew!

Now my lawyers are sated.

**********

There was a semi-recent poll taken, right here on this Blog: TT&H, where the question was broached.

Nay! Asked:

“What should I write about?”

Well, after so many hanging chaffs and invalid voting boxes, and I do not know how many “Landslide Lyndons” we experienced, the tally was tallied:

Someone voted for a Peanut Story.

(Moron!)

Just so happens, I had one in my hip pocket. (I carry it about, you see? Just for occasions such as this)

I do believe the year was 1994, give or take. (10 years)

I was in a bad spot with my then-wife and my Girl-Friend who soon, someday soon, I hoped  to become my next-wife.

Nevermind her name; this is irrelevant. After a few… well.

I was in this bad spot, you see. And I needed a flat-bed truck (for whatever reason), you see?

Now, the only one in possession of same was Peanut.

You see? (Because Peanut was always the one who did not ask questions, you see?) And why was that? Because I was also the only one who never asked.

Being poor of money and poor’er of excuse, I told my bride: “Honey, we need to see this man about a truck. Then we can get on with our lives.”

“Okay,” she said.

Off we went, she in her pretty sun-dress and me,  looking for flatbed trucks in all them wrong places.

And then, after about eight miles of Bad Texas Road,  we came upon a tree across the road you see, and a madman with a shotgun,  you see; this madman was shooting at this young girl, you see, and this was embarrassing to me, you see, since the man wielding the shotgun could not hit shit, .. and his aim was lousy you see? And of course the girl was out of range, you see, and it did not matter to me, you see? 

BECAUSE My Brother, PEANUT would never shoot an innocent girl on the wing.

You see?

You See?

You must have seen that coming.

Oh, that ‘other’ guy?

That Guy shooting at that girl?

What did we do with him?

Well, turns out, that was Peanut.

I had to forgive him. The girl was not harmed and I missed my brother.

Thus it ended….

That’s Tejas!

*************

STOP!

I cannot write this.

Maybe later.

Sorry. It has become rare that I just throw up a rough draft, you see?

(Yes, I know: they are all rough drafts)

This one may have some promise, however, since, like all Things Peanut, it is true.

Caint you see?

Mercutio/Peanut?

“And being thus disquieted…”

Or something….

Not unlike Pygmalion, as the years fly by, I create.

I cannot ‘create’ the woman I love. Not because she does not exist, but because, I do not want to embarrass her.

Yet, she is real and she loves me: since 1971.

She told me so.

Now…..five wives later….My wives.

(I should have never left her to fend.

oh no! I had to go to fuckn egypt for five fuckin years!)

“Torn-ment”

Is just a fucking word.

Hell! It is not even a word for a life lost.

“His only aspiration…. was getting back that girl he lost before.”

–Joni

But.. what to do with? As a dog chasing a train? What is he gonna do, if he catches it?

Love it?

These are the eternal questions.

–Lance

********

Nothing seems to keep you high.

Who knew?

Who could have?

Ever?

More Re-Run Fun! “Babes, Info (Info-Babes)–Plural–I Love & Respect Them All. I Cannot fix this Shite–WordPress is Asshole. They Arbitrarily Do Shit & Then Will Not Allow Me to Fix Their Screw Up.

And I Cherish Them:

All of them

They Enrich My Life

Street Cred: Madonna

***

“Babes, Info: Plural. Colloquial.”
—Lance Webster

********

I am not a fan of Babe Ruth (Or of His Candy Bar)

I am not a Fan of ‘Babes-In-Toy-Land’

I am not a Fan of Fukked – Up Word-DepressedCustomer-Service’ Babes

I am not a fan of ‘Babe The Pig

I am not a fan of Babe Actresses

I am not a fan of Babe Miss Americas

I am not a Fan of Me.

However…

I am a Fan of ‘Info Babes’

We’ll Commence With My Personal Favorite: Fredricka!

(Yes. I have already spilled a lot of ink on/for her)

****

(And Now Move On (In No Particular Order)

Perino!

Of Course Erin!

Dana Bash

(To Me, She Always Reminded Me of A Pet Ferret I Once Had, But Now I love Her–Go Figger!)

Megyn Kelly

No Words, except that she is brilliant.

And Beautiful

******

Lara!

Lara Logan:

Bravest Woman On The Planet!

I greatly admire and Respect Her.
If you do not know who she is, watch the fukkin’ video below
.

(Lara works for Cable Broadcast News now, and they treat her like a Red-Headed Step-Child.)

Fuck You Fox/CNN! et al.)

*****

Diane Sawyer: CLASS!

******

Robin Meade:

So Drop-Dead Gorgeous: Makes My Hair Hurt

******

Jenna Lee:

Ditto Above

******

Ana!

Ana Cabrera!
(I’d amputate one of my fingers and two of my toes just to spend one night with her.)

*****

There Are So Many More…

But I am Fresh Outta Time:

Gotta Go Watch THE GIRLS ON THE NEWS!

Yeah, I Am Under An Ethereal Spell:

(I have no choice.)

Must Be ‘Witchcraft’ :

Catch Y’all Laters!

*****

Joni :

Trust Me: The Below Fits and Y’all Know I have to ALWAYS try to Drop in a bit of Joni.

(She Casts The BEST SPELLS)

Empty. Try Another’

Y’all Know Much I adore JONI!

Cheers Y’all!

Re-Post Be’Cuz I Can. I Have The ‘Technology’–Hem Is On My Mind Today: “On Writing. On Thinking. On Drinking.” HAHAHAHA!

I Throw Excuses at Me for Not Writing:

‘Too Early’
‘Too Late’
‘Too Hot’
‘Too Cold’
‘Too wet’
‘Too Dry’
‘Too Sober’

‘Too Drunk’

‘Oh Wait!—There’s ‘Breaking News on CNN!’

(I am far too Easily Distracted!)

Eventually, I empty out my ‘Excuses-Bag-of-Tricks’

Then I Park My Ass On The ‘Writing Chair’

And I Begin trying to write.

I have SO Much Shit to ‘Write’ ABOUT!

Not Un-Like So Many Fire-Flies

Swirling About in My Head–

As Fire-Flies On A Hot Texas Summer Night

***

But then My Mind

Wanders.

“Meanders.”

NO!

Not the proper, suitable Metaphor.

My Mind is trapped in a Pinball Machine.

Stolen (by me) From The Movie

‘Tommy’

Cred For Vid Share: Umbrella Entertainment

***
I am the Stainless Steel Little Ball.
Just Bouncing About.
Aimlessly
Flying All Over The Fu^king Place.
Just Looking to Rack up ‘Points.’
And for what?

****

Fun Fact: When I, Bob, Peanut Et al, used to hang out at the Pool Hall (er.. ‘Recreation Center’) on Sixth Street, Honey Grove America…

We would place empty Marlboro packs underneath the front legs of the pinball machine—Thus making it impossible for us to lose…

Yes. We all had larceny flowing through our veins.

***

But To What Purpose?

Just for Fun, I Guess

(And we had a limited cache of quarters)

I will never write like Hemmingway
(But at Least I can drink like him)

That’s Half the Battle/Bottle Won.

Ain’t it?

Apocryphal Hemmingway Quote:

“Write Drunk. Edit Sober”

Ernest never said those words, but he should have.

Right?

Right?

RIGHT??

Will never even be a Two-Bit Paperback / Pulp-Fiction Writer.

Yet I ‘Sailor’ On!

Pour yet another drink

Park my Butt on my ‘Writing Chair

And attack that GD keyboard

****

Cheers!

See You in The Funny Papers!

****

I just drop this photo because I am infatuated with Info-Babes

(See Below Recent Post O’ Mine)

Hahaha! Lance is a JERK! Rumors of My Premature Demise Have Been Greatly Bastardized–Exaggerated.

“The Letter Said He Was Reported Dead.”

That Letter Was Fake News!

I’m Still Kikkin’ Screamin’

(And Still Standing)

****

Still Standing

Cred for Vid?

Goes Without sayin’

So I won’t Say It

Rollin’ Wheels

“Near the front lines he’d been found

A mine blew his jeep into a twisted heap

And I still hear the sound

Of the wheel that kept spinnin’ ’round.”

*****

For some bizarre reason, this song reminds me of my first wife, Janet.

I suppose it is because she was in the U.S. Army Reserve and used to drive Jeeps for a living.

Or something.

I Loved Her Dearly.

And I respected her (Even though, she was ‘Certifiable Nuts.’)

Did not matter:

I loved her.

Still do.

This post will make no sense whatsoever.

Don’t Care.

It is just for me.

And Jerry Jeff.

And Janet Sisco

The more I explore old songs… songs that make me FEEL, the more I  come to understand the depth of my depravity.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

My life has become a ‘rolling wheel.”

Spinning out of control.

Almost a whirling dervish.

But not quite there yet…

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Some smart guy once said that.

So here is Me:

Examining.

Stay Tuned….

Random Memories from The Middle East: The Road to Sharm el Sheikh

Since I am an arrogant snob and a pompous ass,  I add this ‘added value’ for those who never get me.

(You’re welcome.)

Drive Through.

dervish is a Muslim of particular religious order. … To call something a whirling dervish is to say that object or person resembles a spinning top or is wild in its movement. An object can also just be a dervish. The term twirling dervish is technically correct, as a dervish could be described as twirling.

More “Added Value:”

In Keeping With TTales & Hieroglyphs Virtual Ink Green Earth Policy…

“His whole life was short, quick and straight.”

Who does this remind me of??

Oh my Gawd! How I do miss him!

Peanut Story Warning Below!

The Flat-Bed Truck and The Pastel Sun-Dress