I Just Awoke From My Self-Induced Coma. “Good Luck Loser-Lance! Twenty-Eight Days & A ‘Wake Up’ You Stupid, Dumb-Ass Fuck!”

I Woke up withe A Brand New Plan:

Shit! I cannot remember the song!

Beautiful Loser!


There are Easier, Cheaper Ways to Kill Yourself!

Please Scrool D’n To The ‘Good’ Vid:

“I’d rather be drinkin than living”

“My Name’s Lance and I’m an Alcoholic”

This is such a wonderful movie, but I saw way too much of myself in it. That is not vain vanity from me. Just fact. If you do not watch the vids, why are you even here wasting your time?

P.S. Fun Fact and spoiler alert: Sandra is prettier than me.

Just thought you should know that Fun Fact…

You’re welcome.


How many people have I hurt?

How many lives have I dragged down into the muck and mire with mine?

How many loving wives and good women have I cast away?

Got a Super-Duper Calculator?

You’ll need it.

Life Imitating My ‘Art.’

Hits a little too close to My Home:


If you only have time for one vid, this one below is it.



And it makes me cry every time I watch it… strikes me straight through my heart


I’d rather be dreaming than living
Living’s just too hard to do
It’s chances not choices

Noises not voices
A day’s just a thing to get through
Living’s just too hard to do

“I’d rather be dreaming than living.”

Street Cred For Vid: welovesandrabullock



Some say beauty is just skin deep
Most of the time, this is true
But not with Sandra
She is beauty
Through and through


My fervent desire is that I could go back in time and had not cast away all the good people who offered a shoulder for me to lean on…

I truly am sorry


Trust Me. The below works

It Works.

Just Deploy A Little Imagination.

Credit: CCR


Un-Requited Love! (Abusive, Loving, Callous Muse)

Credit: The School of Life The School of Life

When last we left our hero…

“I cleared my throat, mustered all the courage and moxie I had remaining, and said,

“Will You Marry Me?”

No respond; Just a blank stare.

She retired over to the Nasty Couch, but not before gathering all her props:

  • Glass of Pinot.
  • Virginia Slim
  • Cell Phone
  • IPad
  • NY Times, Washington Post, And Waco Weekly Wipe
  • Attitude
  • Yeah. There’s that.
  • Always that.
  • Always That Attitude: Nuclear Option


She sat down.

I tried to ignore her.


Seated at my comp, pretending to write, I kept looking over my shoulder at her.

I stood up, walked over to her,

“Are you gonna answer my proposition?”

She looked up and pierced me with those piercing eyes.

“What proposition would that be?”

“The one whereby I begged your hand in marriage.”

“Oh, that. You were serious?”

Taken somewhat aback, I said, “Fucking yeah! I was serious.”

“Oh.” was all she said.

Then she said, “Let me ponder that for some moments. You do realize, I have other clients, and I am far removed from stupid.”

She continued: “Lance, you are charming, upon rare occasions, but… I am immune… to your charms. Ponder that.”

Then she snapped the NY Times back in my face and buried her head in the crossword puzzle.

I slinked back to my computer chair and immersed myself in self-pity.

Un-Requited Love!


To Be Continued…

Bonus Track:




(You’re Welcome)

“What you don’t know about women is a lot Lance-a-Not”

–Rose Castorini (Olympia Dukakis)

In This Vid Clip, You Will Discover Lance.

Video Cred: Ted Reinert

Lance loves women;

He just cannot help Himself.

He does not understand them.

Therein lies that magic…

“Moonlight in a Martini.”

(Volumn is fukked. Crank it up!)

Lance Romance.

Added Value:

“Breaks Your Heart Just Lookin’ At Her.”

Snakes and Ladders


(If you do not listen carefully to the song… I dropped it in For A Really, Really, Really Good Reason)

(Figure it out–If You Can)

I am flying SOLO NOW!



“He Gave up Happy Hour For Her.”



I Love You Sis! Why The Fuck Did You Die On Me? You Bitch! IF THIS Post Is In-Co=Herent & Makes No Sense–Please Forgive Me–My Mind Is Blown! And My Heart is a Broke-Dick Dog!

My Heart is Still Broke!

My Mind? Here A Moment a-go-go…

Screw it!

I So Very Much Miss My Sis!

I Will Never Get Over The Loss Of Her!

I am re-Posting This Because I am Still Missing My Sister and Wallowing In My Self-Pity “My TRUE Forever Sister (Sorry Ann)”

Fun Fact: I was Once Drunk (In Tel Aviv–Yeah It Happens) I Had a woman in my bed. (That happens too) I sang this entire song to her. She was not impressed.

I Was.

Thought I’d Done a Good Job of it.

Good Rendition





“One Day, You’ll Be Cool”

Said Madelyn to Lance


I wanted to post this polished

(And slightly edited)

But, once again,

WordPress is being



What you see

Is what you get!

I cannot edit the Goddamn thing!

Fuk U WordPress!

I’ll come back and edit this bitch if I ever discover ‘sober.’

(Don’t set your watch–and do not hold your breath– may be a little minute or five)

Madelyn died a week ago.

I just found out today

(Not on speaking terms with my ‘Family—wonder why)

Had the un-happy news delivered to me in a fucking Facebook Post!

Imagine how I then proceeded to spin out of control!

I LOVED My Adopted Sister!

More than anyone could know.

(Especially HER!)

I never told her!

I should have!



I didn’t


Fuck me!

Now she is dead.

And I cannot tell her how much I did truly love her.

Some snippets:

Madelyn & Me!

She ‘Maria’ to My ‘Cap’n Von Trapp’

“Sound of Music” HS Play: Circa 1974

(Script demanded we ‘kiss’—never did during rehearsals—but we ‘practiced’ at home.) Opening night, we kissed, not unlike two horny teens. It was painful. (For her. Not for me! I had been waiting for years to kiss her!)

Memories of my B’loved Sister Madelyn:

“My step-sister signed up for that too. She gots tons of LP’s. (Most sucked in my opinion). Then she could not pay the bill for the ones that kept coming. My Father had to bail her out, but that was OK: She was “Daddy’s Little Hippie Princess.” If I had pulled a stunt like that, I would have become an indentured servant for some years to pay it off.

(Do I sound bitter? Have issues?)



Cheers and Happy Friday to you my Friend.”


I loved Madelyn. I really loved her!

And now she’s gone.


For Fucking Ever!

There is NO God!

Madelyn & Me!

Memories of my B’loved Sister Madelyn:

“My step-sister signed up for that too.

She gots tons of LP’s. (Most sucked in my opinion). Then she could not pay the bill for the ones that kept coming.

My Father had to bail her out, but that was OK: She was “Daddy’s Little Hippie Princess.”

If I had pulled a stunt like that, I would have become an indentured servant for some years to pay it off.(Do I sound bitter? Have issues?)

Naw.Hahahah!Cheers and Happy Friday to you my Friend.”


I loved Madelyn. I really loved her!And now she’s gone.


For Fucking Ever!

There is NO God!

Not one that I could/would/care to recognize anyway.


Fuck all This!

And fuck WordPress!


“I’ll not write another line!”

Pass the fucking tea and sympathy!

For SHIT-Sure to be continued….


“Toss me a cigarette; I think there’s one in my raincoat.”

I Love My So-Called Life. i.e., I’m A Happy Fukken Camper. Always Positive and Up-Beat! Shit That Makes Me Happy, OH, and Dick Latson–Those Memories Make Me Happy Too!

Paula Abdul Makes Me Drool

Latson & The Gang

Ode to Dick Latson (who I have unfriended on FB, simply because he never ‘interacted’ with any of my posts. Look up my

“Facebook Philosophy”

series at texantales.com if you give a shit)

(I worked for him for over ten years–gave him and his business the ‘best years of my life.’ For not much money. No Regrets.)


(This, my ‘un-friending’ him, does NEVER mean I do not love this man. I just cannot be bothered with ‘Friends’ who have not the time, nor the desire to interact. It is called “Social Media” for a reason.)

Dick Latson of “Latson’s Printing and Office Supply” fame.

Downtown Commerce, America

He saved my life back in 2001 or somewhere around there, date-wise. I honestly cannot recall the year. For our purposes the year don’t matter.

What DOES MATTER, is that he gathered me up while I was in a drunken, probably suicidal stupor and drove me to Greenville and deposited me at Glen Oaks Lunatic Hospital so I could get the ‘help’ I needed.

And dry out.

He did this for ME!

Because he is a great man.

And he gave a shit.

I will never forget his kindness.

And his giving a shit.

For me.

“For the Lance who is still alive:

I salute you!

Dick Latson.”

Probably, No! Undoubtedly! The best Boss (and Friend) I have ever had.


Thank You

Drive Through

P.S. Little known fact about Dick Latson: Back when he was a senior in HS, he was the fastest ‘white boy’ in Texas. Went to State running the 440 in about 12 seconds (or something approaching that–he never bragged about it, but he casually mentioned it to me one day–don’t even remember how or why the subject came up.

Most likely I had been bragging about my Navy SEALs efforts, or something…and I needed to come back down to Earth and get over myself.

By way of some fucking addendum dum dum dung, er… dumb;

I very recently emailed Lanie Gardner asking permission to share her work. (She has not responded—yet—probably won’t But if she does and tells me to ‘cease and desist’ I will. But FB can kiss my ass in the meantime.)

The email from me was prompted by a stupid pop-up I got from Fake-Book, saying they had muted one of Lanie’s videos I had attached to one of my posts. ‘Copyright Violation’ (I will drop the screen capture in the Comments Section)My original post was detailing how I regretted never having had a daughter and I went into some detail that if I had had one, she would be as this girl: Ever happy, ever upbeat, always smiling.But no such person exists in real life. (I am cognizant of this)

We are all complex.And we all suffer the entire range of Emotions. And this is a GOOD thing.Because it is what makes us Human. And separates us from the gnats of the World.

I CANNOT FIND The Orig ‘Constriction’ Poster To Cred… Believe me: I Tried,

You may have to ‘rewind’ this one because YouTube is severely borked.

And God-Fukkin’ Damn You To Hell Word-Press! It’s just me, Self-Deprecatin’. UBH: Cast of Caricatures

“Comphy Numb

Only Decent Performance This Asshole


Ever Did

Better Romeo Below:

Motherfuck u Wp! Scroll the fuk down!

  1. Sal (Hispanic Marine) Gift of Gab and Excellent Sense of Humor “Sadder than a Midget with a Yo-yo.” His quote. Not mine.

  2. Lydia (Old and Gray and Grizzled Away—but wonderful)

  3. Michael (Big dude. ‘Bout thirty stone.) We called him “Pete”—not sure why

  4. Christine (Bat – shit crazy. And obnoxious. And a bitch–but just for one day. Then she found politeness. And then fit right in with our “in-crowd.”)

  5. Jacob— Junkie—young junkie—Always wearing a Nirvana T-Shirt–nuff said.

  6. Phil—Texan—issues he had—showed up drunk Day One and checked himself in. Not sure how that works, but whatever.

  7. Nino (My ‘Roommate’) Did not like him, but he was there, so, what ever-the fuck-ever.

  8. Kelsey (my favorite ‘broken’ one’—loved her) “Take the Mary Poppins Unbrella and fly the fuck out of town.”

  9. And of course,

  10. Yannah…

  11. “T” I mean, “Ethel, the Pirate’s Daughter.” And cheater at Black Jack (and life in general)

No doxing here.


Too late.

This “Story” is going somewhere.

I just need to line up the cast and crew.

Stand by…

But one last quote from Sal:

“Kids are like little drunk Midgets.”

I promised him I would steal that quote.

Now I have.

Promise fulfilled.

P.S. This piece was more fun to write than it will ever be fun to read.

You realize you have a problem when you laugh at your own jokes.

“Time to seek council Son.”

“I heard you were a drunkard’s drunkard.”

“Never when I’m working!”

“Give me my sin again.”

“You kiss by-the-book.”



And Claire Has Such Wonderful,

Beautiful eyes….

And yes! My mind has departed for destinations unknown