Right vs. Left—Left vs. Right—Spy vs. Spy: Who Am I?

“I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.”

― Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods

(Ed. Note: This Post has kinda Gone off the Rails & morph’d into an Annie Lennox bit)

Sorry. Not Sorry.

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In most things Politic, I list heavily to Starboard.
But at other times I list slightly to Port.

My Ship Never straddles

The ‘Safe’ Middle.

I am ‘Complicated.’ As are all ‘Thinking People.’

I am delirious with pain right now.

Ignore me.
Wish I had some of the ‘good’ drugs…

Ed. Note: I know I have promised BOTH of My Faithful Readers to write some longer, better, substantial Shit,
But
This Screwed-up neck of mine, along with the accompanying pain makes it almost unbearable to bend over this
‘IBM Selectric’ Typewriter

C’est Moi!

for more than a few minutes at a time.

Now, returning to the subject meat of this matter,

(“More Matter, Less Art.”–Thank you Gertrude)

Was there a ‘subject’ ??
Oh Yeah.
Right vs. Left
Spy vs. Spy
Yin vs. Yang
Peas vs. Carrots
Madness

*****

My Adventure in trying to get published:

****

Footnote:

I forgot I had left a glass of wine in the ‘head’ (Navy parlance for ‘Bathroom’); now I have a platoon of

Drunken Gnats

to add to my list of shit I must deal with.

Cheers Y’all!

PS
I just drop this in because this is MY Blog
And I like it.
So THERE!

(The Title…and the lyrics, are Slightly Germane and suit my narrative just fine)

And I find Annie extremely attractive

With or without makeup.

(Especially without her makeup!)

She’s a fucking Barbie Doll

Create your own fantasy; leave me to mine.

“This boat is sinking. Some things are better left unsaid…”

“You don’t know what I fear.”

“I used to be Lunatic”

I got better…

***

No one will get this far, but I deposit it anyway:

Shared Street Cred Vid: ggarlick46

*****

Bonus Super-Duper:

Thanks to Kevin Bacon & kingofkungfu2002 for the share

Credit Card Companies PISS Me OFF

Song Credit: Dick Feller

Recent email to me:

“Lance, thank you from Capital One. You’re invited to pre-qualify for auto financing with no impact to your credit score.”

Since when do Credit Card Companies think they are allowed to be on ‘First-Name Basis’ with me?

I wrote their Customer Service Back:

“Hey Cap! Come to Commerce.
We’ll do lunch and then go on a Bar Crawl.”

Next statement, I ‘Discovered’—Pun intended—Cap One had raised my interest rate.

Fuk ALL CC Companies.

*******

Bonus Added Value (Kinda – Sorta Related)

Best Way To ‘Use’ Credit Cards:

Max ‘em out on Shiny Toys.

Then Never Pay The Bill.

Worked for Me.

After Seven Years, You Get a ‘Reset.’

And they start sending you CC Offers Again.

Rinse & Repeat

(Yeah, Larceny Runs in My Veins)

Windows Are Not Impediments in My World:

Merely Distractions.

How did I get so drunk so fast?

I only had sixteen glasses of wine in twelve minutes!

Scuze for a moment.

Bill Gates is on CNN.

I have to remove a shoe, so that I might puke into it.

BRB!

OK.

I tried and tried and I tried!

To get through this CNN interview with

Bill Gates.

Could not take any more!

Picked up my TV and threw it out the window.

(It, the window, was not open)

It is open now…

I hear sirens in the distance.

Growing louder, and louder!

Ooops!

“And you can’t find your waitress with a Geiger Counter.”

Been there.

Too many times…

The computer has been Drinking.

Not me!

Vid Credit: MasterBiblicalMemory

Genius!

**********

I only Drop This In Because I like It!

This Would Not Be A Proper TT&H Post W/O Some Joni!

(And I Love Joni!)

Y’all Know That!

.

Karen? (Nice to Know Somebody Loved Me) Once or Twice. I Always Loved YOU Karen

I don’t like spiders and snakes.

But I do love Karen,

Karen Carpenter.

Video Credit: “Carpenters” Carpenters

Duh!

Karen?

Why? Oh why?

Why did you leave us?

Karen!

Karen Carpenter!

You killed you!

And robbed us of You.

Why???

Why Oh Why?

I suppose you were broken

As am I

But I am still Alive!

Why?

Why did you cop out?

I miss you!

Marvelous Much!

And I shall always love you.

You!

You!

You!

Karen Carpenter!

I am in perpetual love with you.

With your broken wing and your broken mind.

The Joke Is On Me (And On You–For Even Being Here) Broadcast News

Facebook Post:
Good morning!
I am feeling somewhat “normal” today.
Trying to stay two steps ahead of the neck pain.
Taking lots of Ibuprofen and booze.
Put MS Muse Out of my Misery.
But I miss her already.
I just may have a life after all.
Or not.
“O, that way madness lies; let me shun that;
No more of that.”
—King Lear, Act 3, Scene 4
Too heavy?
Fuck with me?
You’ll get what you fucking deserve.
Love,
Lance…
The NSA Are on Their Way!

“Hey! Hey! NSA! On The Way!
(Ditto the Local Cops!)
“Surround the House!”
“Madman Inside!”
“Be careful Boys!”
“Let’s Take Him Down…”
“But Quietly.”
“No Muss. No Fuss.”

*****

Do not Fuck with Me!

I will not Hesitate to Empty a Clip Into Your Dome.

MS Muse– Miss Misery:

Feel Free To Conduct A Search

For ‘Abusive Muse.’

There you may find happiness.

******

BONUS MATERIAL BELOW

Crit-After-My-Own-Heart-Drinker-Man!

If you do not watch this, or appreciate this…

Your Loss

“The Reports Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.” –Mark Twain (And Now Shamelessly Stolen By Lance Marcom)

This is a True, Recent Story: Not Something From ‘The Archives.’

No Names Have Been Changed To Protect Innocents

(Because I Don’t Know Any)

*****

It was recently brought to my attention that there is a rumor making the circuit in My Home Town of Honey Grove:

“Lance Marcom was found dead.”

(Not sure where or why or how they found me, but those would just be superfluous details—no need for them—not in a small Texas Town)  

And ‘THOSE‘ would (most likely) just be Tales Told By Idiots, Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

–Sorry Will

Of course this made me laugh hysterically—and also made my day—no such thing as ‘bad press’ for a wanna-be fledgling writer.

So, ‘Thank-You-Very-Mucho-Much’ to whoever started this story.

While I was still laughing my ass off on the phone with my very good old friend who had brought this News to me, a brilliant idea began to gestate in my mind:

“Hey Johnny! Let’s run with this. You tell everyone that you have confirmed the veracity of this report. Then you set up a GoFundMe page for the Funeral Expenses—Should Fly—My Poverty is Well-Documented.

We’ll split the ‘Charitable’ Proceeds 50/50.”

(I have always had a bit of larceny in my bones and in my genes and in my heart)

“I’m on it.” said Johnny, “But do you honestly think anyone gives a shit about “Lance Marcom?”

“Print Up some Flyers; scatter them around in Ladonia–the ‘Marcom Name’ still carries a bit of weight there, Because of My Grandfather.

You know of him. He was the Town Doctor who would accept chickens, or pigs, or heifers, in lieu of money. He was loved and belov’d.”

I detected a ‘smirk’ (Remotely–on my Smart-Phone) crawling all-over-the-face of my Friend at the mention of ‘Heifers.’

“Johnny, they were ‘four-legg’d heifers–that’s all.’ My Grandfather Marcom was a Fucking Methodist!

And Allow me to reiterate.

I’ve been riding fare-free and care-free on his ‘Fame-Train’ all my life. “

Plan Incubated and Hatched—Now for the execution of same—no Pun

*******

As an aside, if the Police Do Get Involved, The Numero-Uno Prime Suspect Will Be Guess Who?

Yep

*******

“I’m not dead.  I feel fine. Think I’ll go for a walk…”

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