Hahaha! Lance is a JERK! Rumors of My Premature Demise Have Been Greatly Bastardized–Exaggerated.

“The Letter Said He Was Reported Dead.”

That Letter Was Fake News!

I’m Still Kikkin’ Screamin’

(And Still Standing)

****

Still Standing

Cred for Vid?

Goes Without sayin’

So I won’t Say It

Rollin’ Wheels

“Near the front lines he’d been found

A mine blew his jeep into a twisted heap

And I still hear the sound

Of the wheel that kept spinnin’ ’round.”

*****

For some bizarre reason, this song reminds me of my first wife, Janet.

I suppose it is because she was in the U.S. Army Reserve and used to drive Jeeps for a living.

Or something.

I Loved Her Dearly.

And I respected her (Even though, she was ‘Certifiable Nuts.’)

Did not matter:

I loved her.

Still do.

This post will make no sense whatsoever.

Don’t Care.

It is just for me.

And Jerry Jeff.

And Janet Sisco

The more I explore old songs… songs that make me FEEL, the more I  come to understand the depth of my depravity.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

My life has become a ‘rolling wheel.”

Spinning out of control.

Almost a whirling dervish.

But not quite there yet…

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Some smart guy once said that.

So here is Me:

Examining.

Stay Tuned….

Random Memories from The Middle East: The Road to Sharm el Sheikh

Since I am an arrogant snob and a pompous ass,  I add this ‘added value’ for those who never get me.

(You’re welcome.)

Drive Through.

dervish is a Muslim of particular religious order. … To call something a whirling dervish is to say that object or person resembles a spinning top or is wild in its movement. An object can also just be a dervish. The term twirling dervish is technically correct, as a dervish could be described as twirling.

More “Added Value:”

In Keeping With TTales & Hieroglyphs Virtual Ink Green Earth Policy…

“His whole life was short, quick and straight.”

Who does this remind me of??

Oh my Gawd! How I do miss him!

Peanut Story Warning Below!

The Flat-Bed Truck and The Pastel Sun-Dress

 

Someone Recently ‘Discovered’ This—So Natch! What Does Lance Do? Re-Spams It!

Where is My Mind? Oh! there You Are.

Where You Been All-My-Life?

Hahaha!

“The Reports Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.” –Mark Twain

(And Now Shamelessly Stolen By Lance Marcom)

***

My HERO!

Unknown Brain – Dead (ft. KAZHI)

Laughing My Fu*king Ass Off!

This is a True, Recent Story:

Not Something From ‘The Archives.’

No Names Have Been Changed To Protect Innocents

Because I Don’t Know Any Innocents

*****

It was recently brought to my attention that there is a rumor making the circuit in My Home Town of Honey Grove:

“Lance Marcom was Found Dead.”

(Not sure where or why or how they found me, but those would just be superfluous details—no need for them—not in a small Texas Town)  

And ‘THOSE‘ would (most likely) just be Tales Told By Idiots, Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

–Sorry Will

Of course this made me laugh hysterically—and also made my day—no such thing as ‘bad press’ for a wanna-be fledgling writer.

So, ‘Thank-You-Very-Mucho-Much’ to whoever started this story.

While I was still laughing my ass off on the phone with my very good old friend who had brought this News to me, a brilliant idea began to gestate in my mind:

“Hey Johnny! Let’s run with this. You tell everyone that you have confirmed the veracity of this report. Then you set up a GoFundMe page for the Funeral Expenses—Should Fly—My Poverty is Well-Documented.

We’ll split the ‘Charitable’ Proceeds 50/50.”

(I have always had a bit of larceny in my bones and in my genes and in my heart)

“I’m on it.” said Johnny, “But do you honestly think anyone gives a shit about “Lance Marcom?”

“Print Up some Flyers; scatter them around in Ladonia–the ‘Marcom Name’ still carries a bit of weight there, Because of My Grandfather.

You know of him. He was the Town Doctor who would accept chickens, or pigs, or heifers, in lieu of money. He was loved and belov’d.”

I detected a ‘smirk’ (Remotely–on my Smart-Phone) crawling all-over-the-face of my Friend at the mention of ‘Heifers.’

“Johnny, they were ‘four-legg’d heifers–that’s all.’ My Grandfather Marcom was a Fucking Methodist!

And Allow me to reiterate.

I’ve been riding fare-free and care-free on his ‘Fame-Train’ all my life. “

Plan Incubated and Hatched—Now for the execution of same—no Pun

*******

As an aside, if the Police Do Get Involved, The Numero-Uno Prime Suspect Will Be Guess Who?

Yep

*******

“I’m not dead.  I feel fine. Think I’ll go for a walk…”

Causally Related:

UBH: Cast of Caricatures

“Comphy Numb

The Dream is Gone

I Wanna Be A “For Real Writer”

  1. Sal (Hispanic Marine) Gift of Gab and Excellent Sense of Humor “Sadder than a Midget with a Yo-yo.” His quote. Not mine.

  2. Lydia (Old and Gray and Grizzled Away—but wonderful)

  3. Michael (Big dude. ‘Bout thirty stone.) We called him “Pete”—not sure why

  4. Christine (Bat – shit crazy. And obnoxious. And a bitch–but just for one day. Then she found politeness. And then fit right in with our “in-crowd.”)

  5. Jacob— Junkie—young junkie—Always wearing a Nirvana T-Shirt–nuff said.

  6. Phil—Texan—issues he had—showed up drunk Day One and checked himself in. Not sure how that works, but whatever.

  7. Nino (My ‘Roommate’) Did not like him, but he was there, so, what ever-the fuck-ever.

  8. Kelsey (my favorite ‘broken’ one’—loved her) “Take the Mary Poppins Unbrella and fly the fuck out of town.”

  9. And of course,

  10. Yannah…

  11. “T” I mean, “Ethel, the Pirate’s Daughter.” And cheater at Black Jack (and life in general)

No doxing here.

Whoops!

Too late.

This “Story” is going somewhere.

I just need to line up the cast and crew.

Stand by…

But one last quote from Sal:

“Kids are like little drunk Midgets.”

I promised him I would steal that quote.

Now I have.

Promise fulfilled.

P.S. This piece was more fun to write than it will ever be fun to read.

You realize you have a problem when you laugh at your own jokes.

“Time to seek council Son.”

“I heard you were a drunkard’s drunkard.”

“Never when I’m working!”

“Give me my sin again.”

“You kiss by-the-book.”

(Brook???)

(I LOVE SHAKESPEARE!)

And yes! My mind has departed for destinations unknown

The Abusive Muse: Wake-Up Call.

A Wake-Up Call

“Whaaaa?”

“Wake the Fuck UP!”

“Who ARE you?”

“Your Muse.”

“Oh, I FORGOT. I Mistakenly Took You for a ‘Nice Female’–Guess I Was Miss-Informed. I Thought You That Delirium Tremens Monster.”

“No. He will be around later. Right now you have me.”

“Okay. Something on your mind?”

“Yes. You need to get up and write.”

“I am sleepy.”

“Time enough to sleep when you’re dead.”

“Really? We gonna go there?”

“Get your ass up; plant your ass on that chair. Hit the keyboard. Write!”

“Don’t wanna.”

“’Want’ has nothing, and everything to do with this.”

“Okay.”

To Be Continued….

Part two here

Janis Ian Recent handed my ass to me. Why Am I Such A Moron?

I said, “Do you wish me dead?”

Lip service to books you’ve read

Articles on how to bed a bird in flight

You called it love

I called it greed

You say, “You take what you want”

I said, “You get what you need”

Go on, be a hero, be a man

Make your own destiny if you can

Go find a fence

Locate a shell

And hide yourself, go on, go to hell!

Go away from me

I need no charity

Janis Ian handed my ass to me.

I deserved this.

(Because I am an asshole but had temporarily misplaced my ass.)

Janis returned it to me with not-so-well wishes.

I should have learned the truth at seventeen. But I didn’t. I am still studying and yet I remain optimistic for the future. Someday I just may become a real gentle…man

***

Janis Ian Message to me (on Facebook):

“Lance Marcom uh… I have no idea why you took off at me like that. I said people could share because inevitably, people post on threads asking if they can share. And I’m sorry if you were “triggered ” by my offer, but if offering the option to share some thoughts written by a very dear friend of mine – who by the way is not having a great year, and certainly has more urgent things to do with his time than the way you just spent yours – caused your upset… well then, take your triggered self somewhere else. If you’re that big a “fan”, you’d know how little I think of people who use “triggered ” as an excuse, or profanity as an attempt at English.

As to telling you to “fuck off” years ago, apparently I didn’t make myself clear enough at the time, though as you admit, I didn’t say that. However, your over the top responses and insults to everyone who responded show your self-pitying true self.

Apologies mean nothing if you’ve understood nothing, Lance. Apologies mean nothing if you’ve learned nothing. And it really is time for you to take your very sensitive triggered self and work on fixing your life, instead of interfering with mine.”

***

 (After reading her proper ‘dress-down’, I retired to my “stupid corner” opened a can of worms and ate all of them–in shame)

“When payment due exceeds accounts received.”

I will always love you Janis.

You are a beautiful, brilliant, brilliant songwriter and performer.

******

“Don’t spoil it all; I can’t recall a time when you were struck without an answer.”

–Janis

“And For a dime I can talk to God.

Dial a Prayer…

Are You There?

Do You Care?

Are You There?”

–Janis

G’Damn Me! I Messed Up–This Time–Large-Time–“Rhonda: Chapter Two and a Half” I Need to Sleep–I am on the Verge of a Crying Self-Pity Jag. I Do NOT Love This Propensity I Sometimes Exhibit.

“Cross Purposes”

“Frankly My Dear, I No Longer Give A Damn”

Fun Trivia Fact:

GWTW Was Almost Banned

Because of the Word

“DAMN”

(First Time ‘Profanity’ Had Ever been heard In Film)

Can You Imagine?

Watching Today’s Movies–Ponder On That

One night after some passionate love- making, I rolled over, looked at Rhonda and said,

“I think I’m falling in love with you.”

She rolled over and said,

“Don’t.”

How could this White – Trash Okie Woman possess such much subtle knowledge and inject it into my mind?

Of course, I fell even more madly in love with her after that.

Klymaxx – I Miss You: 

I miss her.

I miss her smile.

And her Laughter

And her body