Category Archives: Texas

I Recall Driving With Daddy One Day From Ladonia to our ‘Farm’–A Fishing Trip

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We were in a Karmann Ghia

A Stick-Shift

Half-Way To Our “Farm” I Asked Daddy,

“So When you Gonna Teach Me To Drive?”

He Pulled the car over and said,

“Right now. Get into the driver’s seat.”

“Rot Row”

My Alligator Ass Had Over-Taken My Bird-Brain Mind.

****

He then, patiently, taught me to drive.

And the rest is history.

Opened a flood-gate of new, exciting possibilities for me.

(And Troubles)

Added Fer Fun Bonus:


Colt Ford – Drivin’ Around Song ft. Jason Aldean

I Love White Trash. Since I Are Same

Diego Garcia: Part Three

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Please Watch This Informative Video:

Credit:

Military TV: https://www.youtube.com/@Military-TV

Part One Here

Part Two Here

The Eighties Kinda Sucked For Me. Not horribly but slightly. Now I will digress and tell you why.

During the Eighties, I came home from Egypt and SFM. I had spent the last three years of the Seventies in the Sinai Desert and these were glorious years for me. 

During the (very early) Eighties, actually very late Seventies, I got married.

At the beginning of the Eighties, Ronald Reagan was president and I was twenty-two years old: could not deny me or tell me anything! I had ‘seen’ the World!

Ronnie

During the Early Eighties, the Prime Lending Rate went from nine percent to twenty percent, thus making it real difficult for me to sustain a Small Business loan for my Tropical Fish Store.

I overcame all of this. By sheer guts and asshole-ness. (and by writing a seriously hot check, for three thousand dollars! I gave a shit not.)

But, I embraced it:

And somewhat thrived. Trickle Down, as they say, but not to mention, my bride and I slept on Army Cots for two years… We slept with the fishes.

And ate baked potatoes, cooked in a microwave which we had stolen borrowed. With pressed ham.

And the occasional onion… on Saturdays. And bacon on Sundays. And sometimes sour cream on Mondays.

We eventually left that place (after four years) Yep, we escaped Nacogdoches, Texas, which for us had been what we could imagine living in The Movie ‘Deliverance’ would have been like.

We escaped to Plano, Texas, which for many (but not us), was like living in the TV Show ‘Dallas’.

We discovered that we were more poor there than anywhere. In Nacogdoches we were ‘business owners’. In Plano we were just scum: no furniture, no fixtures, no nada: SCUM. We got thrown out of our first apartment because “Y’all don’t have no furniture and y’all are sleeping on the floor. This violates y’all’s lease agreement. Goodbye.”

We soldiered on…

We did sell, at a garage sale, damn near everything we owned, to include my prized Celestron Telescope and my wife’s Mikasa China from her first marriage.

Just to eat.

(Food was a prerequisite back then)

Finally….

We made a stance.

My Long-time Bride and my Soul-Mate, and a veteran of the “hard days” tole me one day,

She said, “Lance’, this is no way to live! Do something! Any thing!”

So, I did.  I told her I was gonna join the U.S. Navy. And send her all her allotment and everything else. And meant it.

She initially balked at this  (and she was former U.S. Army Reserve) at that time.

She said to me, and I quote:

“Lance, you are gonna do this thing, right? Then, I ask of you one thing: I wanna be a house-wife for just one year… can you give me that?”

“Yes! I said.”

So I got another job and worked my ass…

And I gave her her one year.

Then I joined the Navy.

And I did not see her again for ten years.

And sometimes after all these years, I still miss our poverty days, because we were so happy being poor.

And I did serve my country, just as I had promised her I would (We, The Both, were Patriots, by an’ by…)

Navy!

tex flag

What does any of this have to do with Diego Garcia?

Stay tuned…

I MISS HIM! So Marvelous Much. “My Friend Jimmy” As Long As There Is Breath Left In My Body, I Will Never Allow His Memory To Die

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My Head Hurts.

My Feet Stink.

And I Don’t Love Jesus.

“If I Don’t Die by Thursday I’ll Be Roarin’ Friday Night.”

Since I am in “Peanut Mode” tonight, I thought I would post this excerpt from a very ‘early-in-my-blogging days’ post regarding same, in the vain hope some would read the bits in their entirety: Sharking, Campin’, Bow-Fishin’.

peanut.jpg

Seems to me we sometimes realize far too late the true value of friends had and lost.

There is a scene in “Tombstone” where Wyatt Earp hands a smallish book over to a bed-ridden Doc Holiday, entitled:

“My Friend: Doc Holiday.”

“Hell I Got lots of Friends”

“I Don’t”

Here is to wishing Peanut could receive same from me.

Alas, he cannot.

**************

Jimmy ‘Peanut’ Piland was a character like none other: Possessing a smallish frame, medium blond hair always askew and asunder, Paul Newman blue eyes, a perpetual boyish ‘possum’ grin, and a wiry build replete with a hard-wired energy. Yet looks can be somewhat deceiving: he was tough as nails and feared nothing, or no one.

There was no Brahma bull he wouldn’t attempt to ride, no man he wouldn’t attempt to fight (if provoked—him usually doing the ‘provokin’—“That sonuvabitch done pissed me off…”), no tractor, truck, nor heavy machinery he wouldn’t attempt to operate, instructed or not. Good that he never had access to an airplane, for he would have, no doubt, tried to fly it.

And actually, he did fly, by and by.

Continue reading →

Drunken Sailor? I Have No Earthly Clue as To What To Do… As To Who Wrote This Post, Probably Some Lunatic/Hacker.

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My Best Guess. Don’t Y’all Just HATE When This Happens? I Certainly Do! Very Irritating.

I Love The Irish!

Go Figger Ni*ger

Just Jokin’!

“What do we do with a Drunken Sailor?”

Put Him In A Long-Boat ‘Till He’s Sober,

Or Just Shoot Him.

Shoot Him

In the Head

Thrice

Deadliest Catch Season 1 Trailer

Drunken Sailor. What To Do?

What am I talking about?

What sig-nif is That,

Lance Romance?

Lost me mind

iface

Tom MacDonald –

“Brainwashed“

Foggy Glasses!

Always happens to me right when

I am in-the-middle of trying to build a post.

I have Swerved Into A Solution Though

**No! Not This**

Although I could use a Pair of These–

In My Spectacles’ Prescription Of Course

You see, it’s all just a simple matter of Condensation/Consternation

But what causes condensation?

Condensation happens when your home face is too humid & warm and your warm, humid face contacts the cold surfaces Eye-Glasses. This leads to the air cooling quickly and forming droplets Fog on nearby surfaces such as walls/windows Your Eye-Glasses.

If you’ve noticed droplets of water or damp walls Foggy Glasses and are wondering how to stop condensation happening, we’re I am here to help & reassure you not to panic.

It’s really just a common part of living.

But How Do I Prevent Condensation?

Here is what ya do Kids:

You take a wash cloth,

Run it under the hot water tap until it’s saturated.

Wring it out a little.

Press it against your eye-balls.

Hold it there until the count of twelve.

Your mileage may vary–Experiment a bit.

Dry Off Your Eyes & Face THOROUGHLY–This Is Key.

Take your glasses and run them under the same hot water.

Dry THEM Thoughtfully & THOROUGHLY.

et voilà!

Good To Go!

Rinse and Repeat as Becomes Necessary

It really is just about keeping the two ‘surfaces’–Your Eye-Balls and Your Glasses, The Same Temperature.

It Ain’t ‘Rocket-Science’

***

Disclaimer:

If You Have A Tendency To Sweat From Your Eye-Brows

I Cannot Help You

I Suppose You Could Try Using One of

These Handy-Dandy Tiny Little Portable Fans

(Batteries Never Included)

Aim It At Your Eye-Brows And Crank It Up

Good Luck With That

****

Fun Trivia Fact:

I Never Needed Glasses Until This Very Precise Moment In Time:

September 10th 1997

What significance that day? You May Ask.

My Fortieth Birthday.

The Beatles ‘Birthday’

Rooftop Concert 1970:

Cred For Vid Share: videos raros

****

Needed Glasses Ever Since That Day.

Went To The ‘Eye-Ball Witch-Doctor’

Asked, “Why Doc? Oh Why? Why Now?”

“Welcome To Your Forties” He Said. “Very common.”

“Thanks a lot Doc.” (Asshole)

***

Added Value:

Trailer Park Boys Moments

Street Cred For Vid: RockyTopTN11

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Even More Bonus Added Value:

My Vision of White Trash Heaven:

“Bubbles in My Beer”

Billy Mata

Cred for Vid: When The Cowboy Sings

*****

And Just For Fun!

I Give You

Beetlejuice!

Everybody’s Favorite Dead Guy

Take It Away Beetle!

Credit: THESSALONIAN31N

WTF is WRONG W/Me? I Need to Write Some New Shite. “You Can’t Lie to A Blank Page” Nor To A TEXAS WOMAN. Trust Me On This One Boys. I Know From Where I Speak

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But If You Do Choose To Lie To A Texas Woman, Do So At Your Own Peril. I Don’t, ’cause I Know Better. I Learned This The Hard Way. But It’s Yer Ass, Not Mine. You Do You. And Good Luck Schmuck.

***

Ed. Note: Most Ev’thang I Write is “Tongue-in-Greek”–If Yu Don’t Realize This, You Probably Should’ve Taken That ‘Other’ Turn At Albaquirky

“That’s right; you’re not from Texas.”

You have my sympathy.

Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

“Oh the road she looked so lovely
As she stood there on the side
And she grew smaller in my mirror
As I watched her wave goodbye”

https://texantales.com/2021/09/13/random-memories-from-the-middle-east-the-road-to-sharm-el-sheikh-2/

“I’ve Been To Memphis”

Me too Lyle, but I Managed to Escape.

Please Ignore My Posts For The Next Seven Days. I Am On A One-Week-Drunk. Need To Sober Up. “Escape From Memphis–Chapter One”

Took Me Ten Years.

Takes More Than Just a Little Minute to Excavate a Tunnel

Armed Only With a Half-Broken Spoon

And a Rusty Old Butter Knife

“Been To Memphis”

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Kinky is…. Texan (And Freaky)

Asshole From El Paso

Hank Williams jr – Texas Women

You Know You Are Dating A Texan Woman When…

(Credit: Dating Beyond Borders)

All The ‘Y’alls’ Y’all

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All the beautiful women still left in California who haven’t yet moved to Texas are just busily packing their bags.

(Give them some time—they are on their way)

But they gonna have a lot of competition:

We have indigenous beautiful women here.

You Cali-Girls don’t stand a chance.

Because God Blessed Texas Women, Not You.

Not You.

Git over it!

And stay away from my Republic of Texas.

We neither want nor need you.

Try Portland.

Or Seattle.

I hear they are hard-up for pretty women–fresh out.

God Blessed Texas by Little Texas

Vid Share Cred: martinuk777

Yet One More Wonderful Texan Woman: Jackie Venson. Austin Born and Raised

“Lose your imagination, lose your mind.”
Too true.

Jackie Venson

(Austin)

“Lost In Time”

*********************

And of course, Tanya (Seminole, Texas)

Tanya grew infamous for her propensity to get drunk and dance on tables.

Not really ‘Lady-Like.’

This is why I LOVE Her!

Un-filtered, unashamed, unabashed pure Texan Gal!

Yep! Tanya Gets Two Vids.

Why?

Ponder That On Your Own Dime

Don’t Ask Me

‘Cause I’m Fresh Outta Dimes

AND Rhymes

And yes, there are SO MANY MORE.

But I am running out of virtual ink in my virtual pen

****

A Little added value:

Girls From Texas: Just A Little Bit Better

Video credit: patgree

***

“She Just Said She Was Goin’ To Texas For A Little While”

Cred: B.W. Stevenson

That Girl In Texas

Credit: Jon Wolfe

DO NOT Mess with Texan Women!

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NOT THE END

NOT BY A DAMN SIGHT!

Some Very Tiny, Subtle/Expanded Up-Dates. “Still In Celebratin’ Ever’Thang TEXAS Mode OH MY Gawd! How I Do Love HER! Texas AND Jackie. Screw It! I May Be Slightly Inebriate–Ted! Howdy Ted. How’s Them Wife an’ Kids?”

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Uh, This Post Makes Absolutely

NO SENSE!

Whatsoever

In Fact, It Defies Gravity and Physics

(Sorry Albert)

Jimmy Bufff-Yay: Defyin’ Gravitayy

Cred for Vid: Parrothead Poet

But I will NEVER Try to Edit/Fix It.

Gonna Print it Out And Paste it on My ‘I Love Me Wall.’

Would You Like to Know Why?

Of Course You Would.

Because Every time I See It,

It Will Remind Me Of What Alcohol Does To What’s Left of My Mind

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You Will Go Insane If You Ever Even Try To Follow This, Board My Train.

This My Train of Thought

Off The Tracks

Dee-Rail’d

Yep! Celebratin’ TEXAS! (& a Few ‘Lesser’ Places) I Added Some Shite. I am in Love With Her! DOES It Show? Does NEOne Give a Hoot?

(I’m NOT REALLY A Right-Wing-Asshole–

I Just Play @ One–On The Internet)

Watch! Watch! Watch!!!

Watch!!!–

***

This Post is All Outta Sync–

And I’m All Out of Ink.

BYE!

THE Videos!

Please Watch!

The Videos!

Yes! I am For Reals In Love w/Her!

She’s My Sweet Lil’ Texan Thang!

(Even Tho Her Posture is for Shite)

***

Stream of Un-Consciousness!

a-gIN!

jUST SO yOU’D kNOW!

JACKIE!

Jackie Venson – Lost in Time (Live)

Me:

Lost in Jackie

Lance, Lost In Thoughts of Jackie:

***“

“Looks Like This Show Is Gonna Be A Sexy Show. You’re Just Gonna Havta Deal With It”

–Jackie

She IS So SEXY!

Notice How She

Jackie!

Plays GuitaR!

She Makes LOVE to it!!!

(Fukkin’ Lucky Guitar!)

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Jackie Venson – Austin, Texas Blues Guitarist LIVE

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Just Like Jimi HenDrix???‘

“‘Scuze Me, While I kiss the Sky!”

***

I Am Kris—-

I Don’t Wanna bE Kris!

I wanna be SomeOnE eLse

On The LiST

But aLAS

I WILL ALWAYS BE kRIS!

(Native Texan)

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sTEVIE rAY!

I actually met Stevie’s Lead Guitarist—

Thanks to Madelyn, My Lost At Sea Sis…

https://texantales.com/2021/11/18/madelyn-godamn-her-she-was-always-so-popular-the-phone-rang-off-the-wall-the-call-was-always-for-her-never-me/

True Story!

OK???

Vaughn!

So Long!

So Gone!

Ok???

I Buried The Lead!

From Oak Cliff

Who Knew?

I Did!

Stevie Ray Vaughan“

Yu Mess With her,

Yu See a Man git MEAN!

(Not Really ‘A Dallas-Boy’– He Was from Oak Cliff–A Dallas Suburb–But Who Pays Attention To Details?–

I Do. That’s Who

Jackie!!!!

From Dallas!

(Actually Austin, But Who’s Countin?)

It’s still all Texicas!

Dallas Alice!

Linda!

Words to Some Wise:

You Ever Insult Linda…

Them’s Fightin’ Words.

Trust Me:

You Doan Wanna Go There.

I Will Flame You To Un-Natural Death

https://texantales.com/2022/01/25/i-love-linda-so-much-i-need-to-stfu-about-this-still-working-updating-on-this-one-deleted-the-other-one-i-have-not-not-yet-not-written-nearly-enough-about-my-love-my-linda-i-am-gonna-fix-t/

Linda, Darlin’, I’m here. Still and Forever Willin’.

Call me.

We’ll test out my new blow-up bed for leakage.

We’ll do it together–Takes two to properly test a blow-up bed for air leakage.

But, of course you’d know this already, from back-in-the-day when you were datin’ Governor Moon-Beam, Jerry Brown… Just Kidding!

I Love You Linda!

****

Jackie!

NO Words

Words Fail.

My Words Are Not Worthy

Jackie!

She Rocks My World — Texan Gal!

I Know

Yu Do’n HavE time—-I do not cafe, cARE! Mi DON’T CARE!

10?

WheEr DiD ThAt COmE FrOM?

i DON’T KNOW—- iT JUST HAPPEN””ED

tEN? wHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

i LOVER hER!

Jackie, I Adore You!

And She Keeps Messin’ Aroun’

With the Tech!

One would’ve thought she’d a done a

‘Sound Check’

BeFORE The Show.

Oh Hell No!

Not My Gal!

Do it live on Stage!

Why NOT?

I mean, Who’s Gonna Complain?

There are a baker’s dozen Bored Bar-Bouncers A-Waitin’ in the Wings, Chompin’ at the Bit

Hell Yeah!

She is So Charming, So Endearing!

Gawd!

So Human!

OMG!

How I LOVER HER!
I love Her!

She is REAL!

The REAL Deal!

So Fricken REAL!

She Don’t Give a Shit!

I Admire & Respect That In

My

(Texas)

Wimmenss”

They Don/t Fuk Around!

If Sumthin Pisses

’em off…. well, Y’all Know… wHAT!

Stand By For Heavy Rolls As The Shit/Ship Comes About!

10

Where did that

Come FroM

witHin?

From Within???

Must Be The Gin

AGIN!

10? 

Perfectly TEN?

SoMe SuBTtlE MesSage?

SEnT?

My waY???

OK!

MerRry CriRiStMaAS!

To Me!

i DON’T KNOW—- iT JUST HAPPEN

–ED

tEn?

wHERE DID ThAT COME FRoM?

^^^^^^^

JacKiE!?

Just the TwO OF US?

WHY Not?

Jackie!

Cred: Jackie Venson, Uh, DUH!!!!

TEXAS WOMEN