Wastin’ Away Again In “Commerce-Ville”

Drunk Again

***

***

Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett – Margaritaville

I Love a Steel Guitar

(When ‘Done’ Properly)

I Had a An HG Friend, Moniker of Boyd Hudgens–

He Could Play Steel Guitar Like No-Body’s Business.

Just Yet A Nother, ‘Fun, Pointless Fact

***

Street Cred For Vid Share: ms50katy

ASSHOLES! SLAMMING DOORS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Yes, I am Demented–Git Over it! Don’t Fool Yer-Self Girl; It’s Gonin’ Rite Up yer Poop-Shoot” I Just Tried to ‘Talk’ To WordPress To Get A Recent Post Of Mine Moved To The Top Of My Page….

Here Is The Message I Got From WP ‘Support”:

It appears that it’s not a good time for a productive conversation. Since I shared all the steps to complete this and you refused to try them, I’ll close this chat and block you from live chat for the next 24 hours.

Fuck U WordPress!

And Therefore Disrupting My State of Somnambulistic Glorious Oblivious Glee.

Just trying to catch a few Z’s here.
Slamming Doors!
Why??? What the fuck??? Why must you do this???
I live here in the Lion’s Den Apartments as quiet as a Church Mouse.
I know how to open and close a fucking door without awakening the dead.
Because I RESPECT my neighbors. And their right to peace and quiet.
Apparently I am THE ONLY ONE who exhibits this level of RESPECT!

****
To my LOUD – ASS, Inconsiderate Neighbors:
YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!!!

Go FUCK Yourselves!

But please endeavor to do it quietly

Thanks in advance

ASSHOLES!

Otherwise…

Ram it, Ram it, Ram it up your Poop Chute

Tattoo: ‘This is Awkward,’ or ‘Open for Suggestion’, Or “Using Parking Meters For Walking Sticks”–Tom Waits “Parking Meters As Walking’ Sticks?” Yep! Been There–Done That! I Have The T-Shirt.

Author’s Note:

Yes. I’ve done some incredibly stupid shit in my time.

Below is an actual-for-real email I sent to a soon-to-be former boss (an attractive lady-boss, of course.) and is sadly very close to the top of the Misfit Hit Parade of lame-ass-actions I have perpetrated on innocents.

***

I have swerved into the solution for Drunken Emails.

Who could’ve known it would be this simple?

Street Cred for Vid: Big Play Films

***

From: Moron <lance_moron@misfits.fubar> cc bcc:

To: Lady_Boss@job.yrfired

Subject: Tattoo

Dear Suki,

Yes, I am getting a tattoo (for my ‘mousing’ musing hand).

It will read simply, succinctly, in Big Bold Letters:

“No!”

Subtle Reminder:

“No! Don’t Go There Lance!”

Brevity? Yes. (‘That soul of wit.’)

“Words have meaning Son,” my father often told me.

And short words, I have discovered, oft hold the most meaningful meaning.

It has been ‘awkward’ (to say the very least) to face you of late.

After my ‘email shot-gunning’ you, off-the-chain escapade of recent shameful regret, but… I did it and today found the courage to read all of what I did send and happily discovered, most were not of the obnoxious caliber of my historical wont.

Thank God and Baby Hey Zeus!

Alas, I wish I had an excuse.

Yet, in searching, there is one to be discovered, but so probably painfully evident that it requires no verbalization:

Two times per year, I get to ‘explore’ my darker side.

Two times per year, I choose a ‘lucky’ recipient to ‘share’ in my darkness.

Two times per year someone gets to be ‘it’.

Guess what?!

Tag!

You won!

You’re the New ‘IT’ Girl!

Congratulations!

You’re in Good Company.

Clara Bow: The Original It Girl, 1927

***

The thing about writers (and those so-called writers who call themselves ‘writers’) is that they are so full of themselves, and vain by nature (it is requisite-with the breed), and every writer and so-called writer I have ever met, are… assholes. All.

Vain, pompous, drinks-too-much, full of sound and fury, and desperate.

“A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Desperate for…

Crying for…

Waiting for…

FEEDBACK

I am not (not really) stupid.

I know you cannot ‘comment’ nor even acknowledge, via email, all the posts I posted ‘at you.’

I dare say you would be wise to ignore me and my ramblings, given our professional relationship.

Yet, if you did read even one of the posts on my blog, (actually I think you read the first one I begged you to read—not the ‘best’ one, but one which apparently was on my mind–at the time)

It is a very simple thing to comment, ‘in disguise’ as

‘anonymous.’

Or ‘any-mouse.’

Or simply, “A Fan.” (tongue in cheek)

Too easy.

Do that once and I will be sated.

Do it twice and you get a Mickey Mouse Pencil Sharpener,

OR

An Autographed 8X10 Hollywood-Type-Glossy Photograph of Jesus Christ.

Sermon-on-the-mount, highly recommended, and our best-seller

But you cannot have both; there is a limited supply.

Do it thrice:  You should seek counsel.

Professional help.

Honestly.

Never mind…

“Writers are assholes.”

“Lance is a ‘writer’”

“Ergo, Lance is an asshole.”

***

Suki,

There is a point to this post, but most assuredly, I have forgotten my initial inclination in that regard.

***‘Jeopardy musical theme plays***

Oh yes!

Now I’ve got it!

This is my convoluted apology to you.

I am, and shall always remain, an Honorable Military Man.

I am cognizant of the duty (and the mission)

And, admitting I was wrong is something which seems to be easier (and more difficult—same time) to do lately.

My first wife once accused me of aspiring to be “King of the Idiots.”

(She was an idiot savant…well, you’d have to know her to get my meaning, yet, I think–know, that I have posted about her…ON-MY-BLOG)

Back to my point:

Suki,

I am beginning to grow bored with my job.

You are the best supervisor/boss I have had in recent memory. All, and I do mean ALL respect you.

This should be enough for me (and for the foreseeable future it shall be)

But…

I don’t like to shit where I eat, BUT (and this is a curse), I have a opinions and I need to get that tattoo—post haste—and with all due prejudice.

I like you Suki.

I respect you.

I am trying to help you professionally (in my way).

And NO!

I am not trying to ‘do’ anything other than ‘talk’ to you and ‘work’ for you.

To quote Nixon:

“Let me make one thing perfectly clear…”

I am a whore, but only when it comes to my writing.

Nothing else these days (aside from my computer addiction) means anything to me.

Rest easy.

I am not as bad as I may, at first glance, seem.

(Truth: I am worse, but I do not bring that to WORK)

Cheers,

Lance

(Yes: you may quote me. I’d be flattered…. Hahahahaaa)

See you on Friday.

And remember not to work too hard.

Life’s best moments can be fleeting.

Cherish Them

***

Number One

Beautiful Joni

Schmucks ‘R’ Us (Actually, Just Me) Never Y’all. NOT Casting Stones From MY Glass Mouse House. Oh Hell No! Not I, or… “Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin”

“Dance to the Music!”

“Schmuck”

The Movie

Or,

“Lance, this is your life.”

***

Sly Stone

The Coolest Man

EVER!

(And one of the Coolest Bands Ever!)

Boom laka-laka-laka, Boom laka-lak-goon-ka boom

Take me to that “Higher Plane of Existence”

Lance is a stellar wanna-be-over/under barrel achiever–kinda like a shotgun

Writer!

But in reality, just a

SCHMUCK

(But at least I am ‘schmuckable’—and sometimes even lovable—but not very often)

YEP!

I dream at night great posts.

Try to take mental notes.

Wake up.

They gone!

Great post is gone with the Wine and the Sunshine, and the Harsh Light of Day…

I have written some awesome shit in my sleep.

Lost it all.

***

“But Tomorrow is Just Another Day”

Ain’t it?

Les’ hope so.

Shit!

Added ‘Added Value’

I wanna grow up to be this guy

He ain’t no schmuck!

“So you wanna-be a fucking writer?

Good luck Schmuck!”

Vid Cred: Shea et al.

TV Dinners Are Keepin’ Me Alive! Sad Commentary, Eh? Left-Over Food. Left-Over Dreams. Fallin’ Apart At The Seams.

Ed. Note: I Find It Hysterically Funny (And Apropos) That I Posted This On April Fool’s Day!

That’s Just Me

Below:

Lance A. ‘Bubba’ Marcom

The Man

The Myth

The Legend

HaHaHa!

Pure-D White Trash

Lance-A-Lot O’Trash:

Charter Member In Good Standing Of The

NAAWT

“National Association For The Advancement Of White Trash”

Just A Big Kid Havin’ Fun.

Don’t Take It Personal Y’all

HaHaHa!

“White Trash” – Tom MacDonald & Madchild

“Happy And Broke”

*****

My Fridge:

Left On my Bed. Instead. No worries. I can sleep around it.

I’ve got enough left-over food (some weeks gone-by of age-Waste not. Want not!) in my fridge to ‘Feed Cox’s Army’

‘Feed Cox’s Army…’ An expression Janet (An EX) used to hurl at me upon often occasion.

Anyway… I got NO Room! No ROOM! For my Beer! But I don’t care!

I am sorta European in this regard.
I LOVE Warm Beer!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I know:

I am pure-dee Bona-Fide White Trash.

“Warm Beer & Cold Women; I Just Don’t Fit In”

Cred: Tom Waits For No Man

“Time to get down to drinkin’–

Tell the Band to Play The Blues.”

“I’m at the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon”

And I LOVE TV Dinners!

(If the sauce is not too blue)

Astute observers will note the

Ouija Board

in this video below

****

Added Value:

I Do LOVE Me Some Dixie Chicks

OOps!

Caint Say ‘Dixie’ No Mas

My Bad

“White Trash Weddin'”

Bye Fer Now

Y’all come back now, ya he’ah

PROFANITY ALERT! PROCEED WITH CAUTION! Re-Read This One Just for My Word Press Ranting Edification Fun! (Find It Under (or) Below or Above My Rolling Stones Video–I Honestly Don’t Know Where It Is–Where I Put It. Good Luck With Your ‘Search’

Fu*k WordPress! Ok! AND I added some of My “Brilliant” Film Critic Commentary TOO! LMFAO!!!! (AND A WP Bashing vids just fer Shits and GRINS!)

Content Creator Cred: Alec G.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkJzMNGg-RyJqXTsIlE1WVQ

**************************

WordPress!

You’re gonna Cry!

Here are ALL

The REASONS Why!

Or as My Ex, Lisa Always Called her:

“Olivia Neutron Bomb!”

I have a “Proper”

“Fully-Functional” Post Tribute to HER in-My-Head!

That I am Gonna Write!

But for Now!

This is

Just-A-Teeeese!

Butt For Now

JUST

ENJOY!

BOYS!

Eye-Candy!

is

DANDY!

OH

My

GOD!

What

I

Would

Not

GIVE

Just

For

Two

Minutes!

With

Her!

It

Would

Be

“Electra-Defyin”

Worth

Dyin’

For!

This Filmed Scene is Brilliance in A bottle!

EVERYTHING WORKS!

BRILLIANT!

********

Let’s

Get

Physical

Baby!!

Look At Me!

I’m Sandra Fukkin’ D!

I have always Been Johnny Be Goode!

But I wanna Be

Johnny-Be-Bad!

It’s a Fuckin’ Life’s

WORK!

(I’m STILL ‘Werkin’ & Jerkin’ & Twerkin’ The Fu*kin’ ‘Problem!’)

OLIVIA!

Be MY

BE MY

Be My Little Baby!

Vid Cred: THE MUSIC ENHANCEMENT CHANNEL

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCymxfkAWH8E_PYmkvnLzTPQ

OOOOH

Baby!

Baby!

Sorry Linda!

You Know I’m a SLUT!

AND A F*CKING SNAKE!!!

(YOU KNEW THIS FROM DAY ONE!)

Vid Cred: ClassicPerformances2

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsoQB7iT7zeWhAIn5XrfhlQ

See Mark??

Asshole!

I am tryin’ to mend my fuckin’ ways!

Thanks to you!

You asshole!

(Love Ya Bro!)

Redemption FUCKIN’ Song!

(See Below ASSHOLE!)

Go Fuck Yourself Mark!

You RALLY AIN’T ALL THAT!

IN FACT,

Lately,

You Ain’t ’bout Shite!

Go Get Wrecked!

YOUR RECENT ‘EFFORTS’

You Sir,

ARE BEGINNING TO BORE ME!

And

I AM NOT NICE WHEN I’m BORED!

TRUST ME.

‘THEY’ KNOW!

And! Yes! I come as Advertised!

I AM a FUCKIN’ Asshole!

But I’m an HONEST Fuckin’ AssHole!

Fuck did You Expect!

Are you that fuckin’ Naive? (Yeah! I gots me SOME Fuck’ng “Anger Issues” Right About now! Don’t Even Ask Me How—Trust me! Y’all doan wanna know!) I’ll probably return to some semblace place of “Normal” once I sleep it off. But I hope NOT! Oh God! I Hope NOT! I am ‘lovin’ My inner-bitch self! I love HIM. Even If no one else Can-can!

I have four ex-wives for ref, if you don’t believe me!

Oh Man! Only God

(Yours, not mine)

Knows! But that is betwix me and she/him!

Fuk this whurl!

Stop this Fucking train!

Some asshole lied about the destination!

I Thought I was going to Vegas! And I ended up RIGHT back in this shit = HOLE of my life! I fuckin’ ‘paid’ money for this? You’ve got to be kidding me! Please wake me the fuck up! This nightmare is startin’ to SUCK! Major SUCK-AGE! i suppose it is all about ‘age’, ain’t it? Curmudgeon Function Junction!

Mal-Function!

(And Life)

Is Just a Fuckin’ Shot

(Of Booze)

Away! gO The FuCk aaway fRO

mE.

I NEITHER,

NEED

NOR WANT

YER

FUCKIN’ SYMPATICO SIMPLISTIC

SISSY-PHANT BULLSHITE!

(And Here is YET ANOTHER Vid That WordPress Managed to FUCK up!–

They have an entire Department At WP!

It is Called

“The Department of How We Can Fuck Things UP”

LOAD TIME IS FUCKING FOREVER!

Oh Yeah!

Almost Forgot

Credit: Fuckin’ Rollin’ Stoned

#TheRollingStones#GimmeShelter#OfficialLyricVideo

The Rolling Stones – Gimme Shelter (Official Lyric Video)

Hey Mark!

You are cordially invited to

KISS MY ASS!

*****

MOTHERFUCK YOU WORDPRESS!!!!!

SEE THE COMMENTS SECTION TO SEE HOW I AM ABOUT TO GO FUCKIN’ POSTAL ON SOME WP ASSHOLE—FIRST ONE I CAN FIND! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF I MUST FLY TO MUMBAI! I AM PERSONALLY GOING TO PUT A ROUND INTO THE HEAD OF THE FIRST WORDPRESS MOTHER-FUCKER I DISCOVER!!!

Right Between The FUCKIN’ Eyes!

***

Foot-in-mouth Note:

A Represenative of ‘Commerce’ Finest showed up at Mi Casa.

Said he had to take me

AWAY!

(For ‘Internet Threats!’ I had made)

Allegedly!

***

Can Y’all say

“Big Brother??”

I knew you could!

Guess Commerce PD are fans of my blog!

Asshole put his hands on me!

I asked him if there were not more important things he could find to do with his fucking hands.

Then he pointed his revolver at at me,

I went along quietly

(I may be stupidly insane, but I ain’t sucicidal)

And I harbor NO ‘Sucicidaal’

‘Fucking Death-By-Cop Vain Fanasy!”

Tendencies!

And I KNOW HOW TO

“BIDEN’

MY FUCKING TIME’in!

Revenge is a dish

More Delish

When Served Up Cold-Up-And Bleedin’

Its ASS Off!!

But You Can’t See Me!

Stupid Asshole!

I can Make Myself FUCKIN’ Invisible!

Then I will Come for Your Son Late in The Night!

JUST LIKE THAT FUCKIN’ NIGHTMARE YOU USED TO HAVE WHEN YOU WERE STILL SUCKIN’ ON YER MOMMY’S TIT!

SCARED YET?

YOU FUCKIN’ WELL

SHOULD BE!

OH! I’M SORRY!

I FORGOT

HOW FUCKIN’ STUPID YOU ARE!

MY BAD!

And You Won’t Even Know What Just Happened.

You Will Probably Just Call it an

“Act of God!”

And I’ll laugh

at

Your Dumb-Ass!

As I Feed Your Son To My Pet

“Where-the-Fuck We’re You Daddy???”

Wolves!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

NEVER!

EVER!

FUCK!

WITH ME!!!!

THE REGRET WILL BE ALL ON YOU!

BITCH!

Speaking of Cynthia.

Was I?

See other

recent Fucking Post!

As I said,

We talked

A Lot

Today

Okay?

So,

I asked her,

“Any Mother-Fuckers have a problem with me as a neiebor?

She said, and I quote,

“Only that Mother-Fucker next door who complained about yer loud music.

“Oh! You mean that Mother-Fucker who hit me up for free beer at least trice a week?”

“Yeah! That Mother-Fucker!”

Cyn said.

I said,

“I shoulda kicked his ass long ago!”

“Yes, You shoulda”

She said.

“t’s on my bucket list,” I said back.

Then she kissed me.

I said,

The asshole coulda just knocked on my fuckin’ door and asked me to turn my fuckin’ music the fuck down.”

Cyn said,

“I know, Lots of crazy peeps live here,

I said,

“Yeah! I am one of the inmatetes, Peeps should not try my good nature.

She said

“I know, but I love you so!”

I said,

“I know, but I love you more!”

(I really wanna bed her! But that would

ruin

Our Goddamn

Perfection

‘Lationship!

There are some Things

EVEN I

Refuse

To FUCK WITH! (My ‘Track-Record’ with All The women I Have Loved and Fucked-Over is painflly well – fuckin; docum- demionated …. Dementiaon ‘ated! on theses pages)

Oh FUCK All of This!!!!

I’m an Asshole!!!!

At Least I Admit it!

Unlike most of

The

Other

ASSHOLES

I KNOW!

I worked for a Texas Rancher

For

Years

And I fucked his Daughter

For Years!

One day he drew me aside

After I had wrecked his best tractor!

He said.

And I fuckin’ Quote!

He said,

“Son, You could ter’ up an anvil with a rubber mallet”

He was spot-on with that!

I was compelled to admit.

Footnote Story I love to tell on myself:

He (My GF’s Daddy) and MY Daddy were rummaging/fuckin about one day

In my

Bedroom

Why?

I have no fucking clue.

Madelyn neither

But the fuck they were

Looking for fuck do I know,

Whatever the fuck they were looking for, they did not find!

Guess what they did find though!

A half-empty box of condoms!

Maddy told of this later.

That was the first time in my life I experienced a real fear of death

I was twice dead!

One by the daddy of my girl

Two by the killing and ass beatin’ I was about to receive from

My

Father

Not to mention the maniacal laughter I was gonna suffer to endure from that bitch on wheels step-mother of mine!

The ONLY Comfort I got was from My Belov’d Madelyn

And if you don’t know who the fuck she is you must be fucking ‘new’ here!

Try some reading!

Don’t Worry Y’all! I’ll Be DEAD SOON

And Put You Out of My Misery!

“Here lies Lance!

He Lived

He Lied (a lot— why we called him “Lance-a-Lot)

He lived He died

No Motherfuckers

Cried

But some

were overheard

Sayin’

Siscreetly

Succintly

Quietly…

Under their Breath

In

Unison!

Thank God and Grayhound

He’s Gone!