“I Bought a Box of Tampons Today” or “How to Release Your ‘Inner-Macho’ in One Simple Step” (Pay Attention Boys; This One May Save Your Next Planned Fishin’ Trip)

Truly A Renaissance Man

Specifically, I purchased ‘Tampax Pearl’… “In the Blue & Green Box.”

Because THAT Was What SHE Required.

“Good luck. See ya when you get back. Be safe.”

Memphis, circa 2013

This was to be my quest, my only mission quest: to find those and only those specific tampons:

My Search for the…

Holy Grail of Feminine Hygiene Products!

(In the blue and green box? Are you fucking kidding me? I discovered Myriad tampons in blue & green boxes…)

In fact, an entire isle was dedicated to nothing but Tampons of various brands, all shapes and sizes and quantities and qualities.

Damn Near ALL of which were in blue and green boxes!

Welcome to The Tampon Jungle

Enjoy Your Stay

Fortunately, before embarking upon my Quest, I’d had the presence of mind, using my semi-smart phone, to capture an image of the now empty and defunct ‘pearls’ box.

Yep, I had fetched along a visual aid to guide me in my pursuit of the ‘keeping the little woman happy’ self-preservation project.

I’m real smart in this way.

I attribute this trait to my erstwhile Navy SEAL training:

***

Fun and Useful Fact Boys:

If your woman is really specific and passionate and matter-of-fact about something, it behooves you to set down your beer and pay close attention.

Don’t be bringin’ home no ‘Magic Beans’ Jack.

You’ll regret that.

***

Mission Accomplished. No apparent casualties.

Now Men, I know what some of you are thinking…

Won’t elaborate, as this is a ‘Family Friendly’ Blog Site.

But I will go even further on the box of The Pearl Tampons.

(‘In The Green Box’—there must be some metaphor to discover there.)

That Box O’Pearls was the only item in my shopping cart, naked those pearls were, all alone.

Ridin’ Solo in a big ol’ shoppin’ cart, just a-sittin’ there, revvin’ their engines..

All by their lonesome.

“I’m so lonesome I could cry”

Did I try to conceal  ‘em? Cover ‘em up with some dead red animal flesh, some pound or four of ground beef?

No.

Some Guns & Ammo mags?

No.

Three cases of beer?

No.

A chain saw from the lawn and garden department?

No.

Did I try to repeat the scene from “Summer of Forty Two” with the kid tryin’ to buy condoms? Askin’ for an ice cream cone, sprinkles, and almost every other small thing behind the counter, then…

”Oh, by the way, throw in some rubbers while you’re at it.”

No.

Naw.

Here is the reason:

I am Secure in My Masculinity.

I can purchase tampons for my woman while under the blinding glare of Super Market Lights from which nothing ever goes unnoticed.

No sweat.

No shame.

No fear.

No potential peril to my Manhood.

(I also listen to Joni Mitchell and Janis Ian and I cry at movies, some movies anyway. ‘RoboCop’ comes immediately to mind).

Point is, Guys Git Over It!

Go out and buy a box of tampons for your Lady.

And only a box of tampons.

(And only for your woman—if you don’t have a woman at this moment—just file this handy slice of advice away for future reference)

For the Rest of Y’all, I’ll leave you with this:

The Experience Shall Set You Free.

While simultaneously releasing your ‘Inner-Machismo-Mobility’

Trust me:

No one will dare fuck with a man packin’ tampons.

Credit: MDA Telethon

***

All in all, I’d pronounce this a favorable ‘Mission Outcome.’ No Casualties. Minimal Stress. Minimal Potential for PTSD.

Homeward Bound And Happy to Be Bearing The Spoils of War

Happy? Yes ‘Happy’

After all, with just one misstep, things could’ve gone horribly wrong in the Other Direction:

***

Some ‘Added Value’ just for Levity:

Street Cred for Vid: Shut Up! Cartoons

She SUCKS! But She Doesn’t Suck In The Way She’s Supposed To Suck

Dateline: 16 June 2021

After eight long months and numerous failed attempts,

I FINALLY DID IT!

I Liberated ‘That-VAC’ from Her Prison!

Actually, She was trying to Bust Out On-Her-Own This Time.

The Not-So-Great-Escape’

And Struggling, Failing… Screaming for Help!

BUT I, Me!

Me ‘Lance-Rocky Marcona‘! Jumped in and SAVED Her DAY!

Rescued Her!

And if I had not Bravely, Blithely, Selflessly, Stoutly Stepped in to Rescue Her, This Would have probably been her Fate to face and endure:

Cred for Shared Vid: T.J. Lovelady

You May Address me as “Lance-The-Liberator” From Now On.

Always Felt I Deserved a MORE APPROPRIATE Title. You Know, Other Than “Asshole,” As Descriptively Honest and Accurately Appropriate that one may be.

(If all this so far isn’t beginning read like “Complete and Utter Bullshit,” then I humbly suggest you purchase a top-end, high quality and fully functional ‘Bullshit Detector’)

(Amazon Dot Com is your Friend.)

***

Update 19 June 2021:

Here is my ‘Marco’s Consumer Report’ On The New Vacuum-Cleaner:

SHE SUCKS!

But She doesn’t Suck in the way She is supposed to Suck.

The bottom part, you know, the MAIN Functionality Part… Don’t Suck!

Her ‘La raison d’être’ part with the spinning brushes:

Her brushes spin frantically, maniacally, just Jim-Dand-illy, but there is no Proper Sucking action happening.

Call me ‘Crazy’, but isn’t that an important part of the ‘two-part’ process?

The ‘Sucking’ Part?

Was I mistaken? Did I purchase a ‘Dirt-Rake’ and not a ‘Suck-It-Up’ Machine??

The detritus and dirt and spilt Copenhagen and gnat corpses and potato chip crumbs and Et al., just get nicely organized into neat little windrows,

But Not Sucked Up!

Lotta Fucking Good That Does Me!

The attachments suck just groovy, but I don’t enjoy having to get on my hands and knees to suck.

In ANY sucking situation, if you catch-my-drift.

I just REFUSE to Go There.

This door don’t swing that way.

That is precisely WHY I Purchased an ‘UPRIGHT Suck Machine’ as opposed to an ‘Operate-on-your-knees’ Suck Machine.

Gonna purchase a Better, New, DIFFERENT BRAND Suck Machine.

I DID pay A LOT for this one though!

Thirty-Five Dollars!

Guess from Where

****

Upon Further Investigation, I think I may have swerved into the genesis of the problem:

She was born in Vietnam and obviously out of her element here in ‘Estados Texidos Unidos’.

Poor Little Darlin’, fresh off the boat and most likely understands not even one single word of ‘Texican.’

But then, Most Yankees don’t either and yet they do just fine,

Provided they remain where they belong.

And that goes triple for any of you Californians out there.

***

She Done Me Wrong.

Poor Lil ‘Phuong Wong’

(Vietnamese name meaning “Phoenix.”)

Gonna have to ‘Put Her Down.’

Perhaps she shall rise again as her ‘namesake’, and preferably in Hanoi, or Da Nang, or Huế. I’m certain she will be much happier there.

Huế ?! No Way!” She Said.

*Heavy Sigh*

I have The Worst Luck with Women these daze.

Facing Reality and Making The Difficult, But Right Decisions

Wait for it…

SUCKS!

Sometimes Life Sucks and That is Bad,

Sometimes Life Doesn’t Suck and That is Good

However…

Sometimes That Is Just Ass-Backwards!

I Need some Suction in my Life.

Right Now!