I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare.
The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ
1: Write any old shit
2: Visit other blogs containing shit just as bad, or even worse, than your own literary effluent
3: Lavish the ‘writer’ with praise, so risibly over-the-top, they will begin to think you’re in the throes of orgasm
4: Wait a few hours for reciprocal bullshit
THE END
Danny Soz is the managing editor of The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome Gazette
Lance walks into his ‘physic’ therapist’s office and slumps down…
“Hello” too effusive psychotherapist says. “And how are WE today?” “Shitty,” I answer.
“Oh no!!” he says. “We can never feel ‘shitty’, as you say. WE are always ‘happy’.”
“Fuck you,” I say.
“Mister Marcom. WE do not talk this Way.”
“Fuck you Doc, I talk this way AND I am paying you so I CAN talk this way.”
“OK, why then are you “shitty” as you call it?”
Leaning back… wondering how long this court – ordered bullshit must go on, I decide to hit him with it:
“I am shitty ‘cause I have written some good shit on my blog and no one is reading it.”
“Please do go on.”
“Well… there is that one about Southpark”
“You mean J.R.’s ranch?”
“Do you have a degree, Doc?”
“Of course, right over there on the wall, see it?”
“What’s it in, your degree?”
“Phycology.”
“Yeah, guess that makes some sense; knew it wasn’t in Pop Culture, Pops.”
“I beg your pardon.”
“Never mind.”
“Let us get back to your problem and away from my credentials, shall we? No one reads your ‘shit’, but why?”
“‘t-l-d-r’ in the vernacular.”
“Tee el dee r’? I’m afraid I do not understand your meaning here.”
“’Too Long; Didn’t Read’ Asshole.”
“Mister Marcom, I must implore you not to continue to abuse me with such language; I am merely attempting to help you here. Why is it too long? Do you hate your mother?”
“Well, it took days and days to write… And who ARE you? Do you even know what it is ‘to write’?”
“Let us focus on ‘your problem.’ shall we?”
“Doc, let us focus on yours: I don’t want to be here and THAT is YOUR problem. I just want folks to read my shit.”
“I cannot help you there, Son. Perhaps though if I may proffer a suggestion?”
“Sure. Fire away.”
“Write some better ‘shit’, as you call it.”
The point of this post, if there is one, is that I have applied for no less than ten jobs in Saudi Arab today.
Some nine or so in various other shit holes, err, developing countries, just looking for my next war zone to make me famous, not unlike Hemmingway. At this point in life, I must admit: prolly ain’t gonna happen. All I can hope for is some good monies and some decent health insurance (and maybe some ESOP), but Hell! At this point, I’ll work for room and board…but never bored.
Me? Bored? Never.
Again, when do I get to get outraged? Ppl in Ferguson get to be outraged. I share their outrage, but I just want a small piece of that pie. I have more than one decade experience working in dangerous desolate places, yet, I find it so very difficult to find a job in same. I am feeling some outrage here! I should be entitled. I did my time. Hell! I served my country.
To quote some not so famous line from the movie, “The Right Stuff,” “Where is my parade with Jackie? I wanna meet Jackie. They owe me!” I want to meet Jackie. Or at the very least I want a window… into my golden years. End of Rant…
-Lance
And of course, as y’all know, this was all ‘tongue-in-cheek’
“Hook ’em Horns!”
(That’s ‘Texan’ for ‘Suck it up and move that ball on down the field.’ Boys.)
Or, even better, to quote Dan Jenkins: “Y’all knew it was gonna be semi-tough, eh?”
And this “trailer” is semi-tough to watch, but it was as advertised: semi tough, as we were growing up in The Seventies.
And of course, as usual, this last link is the important one.
For reasons I’d rather not disclose, but numero one’oh is detailed below:
Anyway, I grew weary of reading about how much Jesus loves me, how I need to say ‘amen’ if I agree all the time. (They never tell ya what exactly to say when you do NOT agree), et cetera, et al. So… I just say what I feel, which generally gets me into trouble.
So.. I said some evil things.
Have since apologized.
Been offered a promise of a promise back in Iraq (rhymes, don’t it?)
I will go there.
In’shall’allah
–Peace
(Lance)
The point of this post is thus:
I am back on FB; for whatever good that might mean. (or not mean)
-L
“Is one the moon, Dear Clown, tied to a string for me?”
(He tried, but he could not get it down)
And yes: I have been in – love with Joni Mitchell for neigh onto forty year here.
Oh! And I love Emmy Lou… Too!
And.. Frank Zappa, and Tom Waits, and, Carly Simon, AndLenny Bruce, and… I suppose my love comes cheap.
I love it when I get four ‘likes’ in four seconds, for four posts, all from the same person, which are each… at least.. posts of at least one thousand words long. (brevity ain’t my soul of wit)
I love this.
I wish. I wish… I wish… I wish I could read that fast.
Maybe that is why I failed in College? (I ‘mouthed’ my words… not really, but… )
Why? Don’t know exactly, just Happy. (Never look a gift of Happiness in the mouth!) Happiness is definitely NOT Lubbock in my rear-view mirror… But happiness is as happiness does. (Sorry Forrest)
Happy? Yeah. My English girlfriend just came home. Bearing gifts. Rib-eye steaks ($20—can you wrap some mind around that?—twenty quid for two steaks! Out-fucking-rageous!)
Ed. Note: GF just corrected me: “Thirty dollars!” Ouch! (Gonna have ’em bronzed)
Back to the happy: I am happy because I am alive Just-one-more-day. (No drama there, just musing)
I am happy because I have folks who follow my blog. I am happy because some actually read my blog. I am happy because some actually comment on my blog.
Yep. I am happy.
Hoping you are too. At least for today. Run with it. I am.
Cheers, Beers, and Happiness to all Y ‘all!
-Lance, The Happy, Hippie, Erstwhile Sailor, Texan.
We all have our ‘About’ Pages. Who really ever reads them?(I do)
Here is mine, in case you may have missed it.
(And No! This is not some vain fantasy; just a clarification)
Cheers Y’all.
****
By Way of Introduction (UPDATED 11 July) Bugs Bunny
Hail Yes and Merrily Met!
My name is Lance Marcom and These Pages will be my Home for the foreseeable future. All are welcome here–welcome to compliment, deride, disparage, commiserate, cajole, rant, rave, fawn, frown–In short, all comments will be appreciated.
This VirginDe-flowered Slut Blog O’ Mine will contain Tall Tales, Short Tales, Middlin’ Tales, Major Tales, Minor Tales…
Tales of Amusement, Tales of Adventure, Tales of Larceny, Tales of Woes, Tales of Foes, Tales of Loves Won & Lost, Tales of Fortunes Achieved & Squandered, and much more as becomes my wont…
Tales From Texas, The Middle East, The Far East, The Near East, The Southeast, The South Coast, The South Pacific,The Left Coast, The Old World, and Perhaps Even Oklahoma…
But most importantly, I wish this to be a place for my guests to enjoy, for:
“No profit grows where is no pleasure ta’en.”
(That’s Shakespeare, Y’all.)
*****
Just For Fun Y’all, I am going to throw a new video (or quote, or some other surprise nonsense) up here everyday. Why? You may ask.
Because I think an ‘About Page’ should be ever-changing and dynamic, just as the Person it is purported to be “About” is ever-changing and dynamic.
Therefore, I upload some of my favorite stuff here. Daily (usually)
So… here goes for 11 July: Albuquerque (I had the opportunity to live there, once.) For, you see, my mom took a wrong turn at Moriarty… hence: young lives changed. For some forever.
Hope you enjoy.
And please do not forget to listen to what was my mantra while cooling my heels in Amman Jordan in late ’07
Baghdad!
The Best of the Hitchslap
Bullshit Legal Stuff:
I Suppose it is Time (alas):
All This Shit Is Copyrighted. Please Respect that, for:
“Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, Is the immediate jewel of their souls: Who steals my purse steals trash; ’tis something, nothing; ’twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands; But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed.” –Shakespeare
Someone once posited the idea that good posts always challenge the reader with a question (“This invites discourse”)
I cannot disagree, but by the time I finish my posts. I am all ‘discoursed out’.
That said, ’tis good advice. So, here is my million-dollar question:
“How many of y’all ever go to the ‘about’ page ‘ere you ‘follow’? I know I do. And for just one important reason: Sometimes we are misled and by being misled, we tend to ‘say’ things that are offensive to the blogger. Therefore, I like to get a ‘feel’ if you will, of the person’s blog I am about to comment all over. I do not aim for controversy, but I seem to land there more often than not.
Point is… know your audience and never purposely offend.
But help with my Blog. More than one person has offered some constructive criticisms on my Layout:
“Too Busy Home Page”
“Impossible to read on a mobile device” (I have no ‘mobile devices’. Unless you count a throw-away $49 Walmart Phone and a bicycle.)
“Poorly indexed”
“Very difficult to search for ANYThing”
“Hard on the eyes”
“Disorganized”
“Frustrating”
“Too Leftist and too much Lenny”
(Okay: I threw that last bit in just for fun.)
“Never finishes a serial post”
(Okay! Busted! But for those of you following my Series On “Biker’s Wife of Bath,” I will finish it… or at least continue it) mañana
And some others.
My request, for when y’all have time: Please tell me your thoughts/opinions/suggestions to improve the ease of Navigation and any other suggestions you may have. And… They do not all have to be constructive. What I mean, is that if my Blog Layout frustrates you, here is the venue to vent.
I will take all rants / vents / suggestions in good humour and will work to rectify, because we all have time valuable, and do not need to waste it searching for something which should take just one mouse click to find, yet sometimes doesn’t.
Thank You All in advance for any help you may offer. (I really have not been doing this Blog Thing for very long, and although I do pride myself in my ‘Communication Skills’, the delivery system is obviously flawed.) And no! I do not subscribe to the notion:
“If you build it, they will come.”
That has always been bullshit and,
I am not that vain.
To recap:
I am asking for your help.
‘Tis a message in a bottle; Pick it up and uncork it.
“Hard to believe, but apparently this is my 100th post. 100 times I have hit “Publish” and felt that “oh my gosh… they’re going to think I’m a total weirdy” sort of feeling. 100 times I have hit “Publish” and then immediately seen a typo and been like “No, wait, go back! Flux capacitor, back!”
Now, Y’all know I have fawned over Aussa’s site before. (And of course, as long as I have breath in my body, I will continue to do so, ’cause she is just that good.)
But, Y’all know: this ain’t my point this eve.
My point is, I think I have posted more than Two Hunnerd Fifty Posts since end-of-january.
No Brag; Just Fact.
And of course, most were mere bullshit.
In studying Aussa’s site, I am beginning to realize… You really do not have to post sumthin’ ever’day to keep readers.
You just have to ensure what you post is worth reading.
Boils down to one (two) paralyzed fact(s):
“Post Quality, not Quantity”
Or, if you will: “Don’t Shit Where You Eat.”
i.e., “Post Quality Lance! Do it! Do it for the Children!”
Okay: That may have been ‘three’
Take Yer pick.
Thank You Aussa.
P.S. That was not near enough approaching the piercing eloquence I wanted to convey, but ‘Twill serve–I hope.
Just a quick note for anyone waiting avec ‘baited breath’ (stole that from a comment) on the outcome…
The jury is still out, and I have decided (since this morning in fact) that today I am gonna expend my energies catching up with all the folks who I follow and who follow me. I do this because I enjoy it and I am certainly all about self-enjoyment (and it means I don’t have to write!).
Seriously,
I want to read and comment as much as I can from / on my fellow bloggers, because y’all have some really good shit to say and post, and I am tired of denying myself this enjoyment due to my vain fantasy. (See? There is that selfish hint in me there) But it’s all good.
Hope y’all understand.
Tomorrow, you may read more about the trials and tribulations of my Jury Duty.
