Did I ACTUALLY WRITE THIS SHITE?! Someone, Anyone! Please Put Me Away Hahaha! ‘Insanity’ is Such A Lonely / Lovely Word–As is “Honesty” Lonely…

Try to find just one good honest man these days.

You’ll Go Insane With the ‘Looking’


This One, This Is

‘Lance-A-Lot’ Flew Over The Coo-Coo’s Nest.

Please Enjoy Or At Least,

Try Not To Cry

(I, personally, can never make it to the end of the movie because

I know how it sadly ends.

And, of course I had read the book

(Y’all Just Know I Have)

Far Too many times

Street Cred: Thug Notes


They’re Coming To Take Me Away. HAHA!

Weird-Press Cannot Keep Up With The Pace of My Mind.

I’m Shocked!


Oh! And by-the-way,

I’d Prefer A Rubber-Room With A View–

Too Much to Ask?

Never mind!

And Yes! I have been to Italy



I Desired This At-The-Top

But Guess What?

FU WordAPress!


Oh! Scr’w It! I Tried!

I got so stupid drunk on stupid drunk this morning,

I Actually Forgot My Name

Had to refer to my driver’s licence–

Just to try to out to Figger Out Who I Was

Please Calgone!

Take Me Away!

I’ll Pay!

They’re Coming–I Can Smell Their Apprehension.

Going into Battle and all that jazz.

Just tryin’ to remember who the fuk I was supposed to fukken be.

Went to the hospital,

They Reminded Me Of who I was supposed to be not.

Then deep depression struck me…

Over that sudden realization

So I tried to remember

That Day in September…

Tenth, But I Cannot Re-Call,

Even Though I am Fairly Certain I Was There…

When I Was born

Into this Gog-For-Saken World

I said,

“I don’t wanna be that guy”

They said

“Sorry Asshole: this is who you be”…

They had proof

see below

C’est Moi!

Drunken Sailer – Irish Rovers

“Put Him In-A-Long-Boat ‘Til He’s Sober.”

Good Luck With That!

I just wanna go home

So Leave me the fu*k alone!


I Fukken Hate ’em!

nOT THE pEEPS. Just The Concept

Slight Up-Date: No! Just A ‘Re-Regurgitate’. Call Me Crazy, But I Have Just Experienced a ‘Brief Epiphany.’

Et, Oui: ‘Je Suis laissez faire’ Avec’ Le Punctuation–Realty. Nor Can I Be ‘Bothered’ With Speilling Neither–For That Matter.

For You See… I Just Cannot Be ‘Bothered’ With Such Mundane, Lame, Details—

All I’m A-Sayin’…

(And yes, I know. All epiphanies are brief)

We all have our ‘About’ Pages. Who really ever reads them? (I do)

Here is mine, in case you may have missed it.

(And No! This is not some vain fantasy; just a clarification)

Cheers Y’all.


By Way of Introduction (UPDATED 11 July) Bugs Bunny

Hail Yes and Merrily Met!

My name is Lance Marcom and These Pages will be my Home for the foreseeable future. All are welcome here–welcome to compliment, deride, disparage, commiserate, cajole, rant, rave, fawn, frown–In short, all comments will be appreciated.


This Virgin  De-flowered Slut Blog O’ Mine will contain Tall Tales, Short Tales, Middlin’ Tales, Major Tales, Minor Tales…

Tales of Amusement, Tales of Adventure, Tales of Larceny, Tales of Woes, Tales of Foes, Tales of Loves Won & Lost, Tales of Fortunes Achieved & Squandered, and much more as becomes my wont… 

Tales From Texas, The Middle East, The Far East, The Near East, The Southeast, The South Coast, The South Pacific,The Left Coast, The Old World, and Perhaps Even Oklahoma…

But most importantly, I wish this to be a place for my guests to enjoy, for:

“No profit grows where is no pleasure ta’en.”

(That’s Shakespeare, Y’all.)


Just For Fun Y’all, I am going to throw a new video (or quote, or some other surprise nonsense) up here everyday. Why? You may ask. 

Because I think an ‘About Page’ should be ever-changing and dynamic, just as the Person it is purported to be “About” is ever-changing and dynamic.

Therefore, I upload some of my favorite stuff here. Daily (usually)

So…  here goes for 11 July: Albuquerque (I had the opportunity to live there, once.) For, you see, my mom took a wrong turn at Moriarty… hence: young lives changed. For some forever.

Hope you enjoy.

And please do not forget to listen to what was my mantra while cooling my heels in Amman Jordan in late ’07


The Best of the Hitchslap

tex flag


Bullshit Legal Stuff:

I Suppose it is Time (alas):

All This Shit Is Copyrighted.
Please Respect that, for:

“Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, Is the immediate jewel of their souls: Who steals my purse steals trash; ’tis something, nothing; ’twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands; But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed.”

-The Management

More ‘Shonnie’ tomorrow. Story at eleven.

Night, Night.


Someone once posited the idea that good posts always challenge the reader with a question (“This invites discourse”)

I cannot disagree, but by the time I finish my posts. I am all ‘discoursed out’.

That said, ’tis good advice. So, here is my million-dollar question:

“How many of y’all ever go to the ‘about’ page ‘ere you ‘follow’? I know I do. And for just one important reason: Sometimes we are misled and by being misled, we tend to ‘say’ things that are offensive to the blogger. Therefore, I like to get a ‘feel’ if you will, of the person’s blog I am about to comment all over. I do not aim for controversy, but I seem to land there more often than not.

Point is… know your audience and never purposely offend.

And May Peace Always Find You.



Up-Dated! Added A Nerdy Science Vid–Ya’ll Hav’ta Scroll Down-Sorry. Earth’s Magnetic Field or ‘Full-Tilt Boogie’ “Rent–A–Sailor Part Duh: Topsy-Turvy Curvy” Yuk Yuk Yuk! And Yuk! LMFAO!

Up is Down

Down is Up

Sideways is just… well, sideways

So Very Apropos For Today’s, Fuc*k’d-Up Times, Eh?

Jack Johnson – Upside Down

“There’s No Stompin’ Curiosity”

HahaHa & Ha!

Old Age is a Cruel Snake-Headed MethuselahMedusa, ain’t she?

Turn you straightaway into stone


I still love you Diana

Always Shall.

We had three days steaming time to kill on our way to That–‘That Land Down Under’.

One night we were all sitting about, ‘cokin’ an’ smokin’ (shootin’-the-shit) in our little Gunner’s Mate ‘Office’ which was not much more than a walk-in closet with a couple of ‘make-shit’ chairs and a few Mae West life preservers for butt-comport composure.

There was GMG Me, GMG Rog, GMG Matt, GMG Eddie, and GMG Fish. Don’t know where was GMG-Geeky-Little-Maynard, nor ‘Bob-the-GMG-Body Builder.’ Probably Bob was in our ‘gym’. He pretty much lived in there. (Ed note: GMG–‘Gunner’s Mate Guns’–if you’ve read me, you’d already know this, btw.)

Speaking of things like gyms, weight-rooms, shitters, showers, berthing compartments, racks, …. Gunner’s Mate ‘offices’, et cetera:

On a U.S. naval war ship, space is always at a premium.

Ship’s Crew want a ‘weight room?’

Good luck. Find a machinery room with a little floor space available. Put your kit in there wherever you can find ‘space-to-no-avail-able’.

Want a quiet place to hang out? Good luck. Try the bilge compartment underneath the water line. (‘No thanks’)

Want peaceful, uninterrupted sleep? You should have joined the Air Force.

(I had some luck: I was the ship’s armorer—in charge of the… wait for it… the ship’s armory. All the small arms were stowed in there. You know, M14 rifles, grenade launchers, .50 cal Machine guns, riot shotguns, .45 cal pistols, grenades… Shit loads of ammo.)

And I WAS IN-CHARGE. Best Gig on The Fred! No Body, and I do mean nobody fucked with me. I had the key to all the guns. And my rep preceded me: I was known to be a ‘dead-eye-shot’. One shot/one kill.

Simple Mathematics

It was great!! As I did say, no one ever fucked with me. Fear is the greatest incentive for not fucking with a man.

A very ‘High – Security’ Space. I had one of the only two keys on board the Fred. My Department head, an 04 officer and third or fourth in command, had the only other one and he knew me from Nacogdoches back when I had my tropical fish store—yes! So he trusted me. I guess he thought we went ‘way back.’ We didn’t. But he was a good officer. And I usually don’t like officers, but I liked this one. Apparently we had a ‘history’ together…. I guess…

Moving on.

Yeah no shit. Small world. Supposedly  he had lived in Nacogdoches back when Janet and I did. We never really got to know each other. In fact, I do not recall him at all, but he remembered my store and I may have sold him a crud eater or two…


Anyway, the ship’s armory was my ‘go-to’ place when I did not wish to be talked-at, or just wanted a cat nap.


Back to our little Gunner’s Mate ‘Meeting’ in our ‘Office.’

The conversation had grown quiet.

Me, being me, I decided to have some fun with my shipmates. So I  broached a subject to mess with their heads.

As I mentioned, time to kill.

“Why do they call it ‘Down Under’ and not ‘Up Yonder’?” I asked the group.

Rog, always quick on the draw said, “Because it is down-the-fuck-under.”

“Down under what?” I shot back.

“Down under the regular world.”

“According to who Rog? And define ‘regular’” I said.

“According to everyone. And regular is, you know fucking regular,” he said back.

“That makes no sense.” I said. Then continued, “You mean because of ‘up and down’, ‘north and south’, ‘east or west’ bullshit?”

“That’s what he means,” Matt said. “Everyone knows this.”

“Guys, you ever seen those photos from the Apollo missions? The ones of the Earth taken from the Moon?”

“Of course we all have,” Fish piped in.

“Well how do you know what is up and what is down?”

Rog said, “Because the North Pole is up and the South Pole is down. Easy enuff to see in the damn photos.”

“What if the astronauts had turned the camera a hundred and eighty degrees?”

“Why would they do that?” Eddie asked.

“Why not Eddie? You ever been in outer space?”

“Uh, nope, not lately.”

“Here’s the thing, why does the ‘northern’ hemisphere get to be ‘up’ and the ‘southern’ hemisphere have to be ‘down’? Seems real ‘hemisphere – centric’ to me.”

“Just because it makes sense,” Rog said.

“Bullshit,” I said. There is no up or down in space. It’s just all arbitrary from our perspective. Allow me to dial-you-in Rog: It’s because most of Western Civilization is in the ‘Northern’ hemisphere. That’s why.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Matt said.

“Think about it Matt. Who writes the history of war?”

“Uh… War? I thought we were talking about Australia.”

“Who writes the history of war?” I asked again. “Who draws the maps?”

Eddie gets a screwed-up look on his face, “The winning side!” He blurts out.

“Precisely, Young Eddie.”

Then Fish says. “No, it ain’t about that. It’s about the magnetic poles. They are north and south… ain’t they?”

“Fish, even if they were, which they ain’t, it doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” I continued. “Because ever’ fifty or sixty thousand years the magnetic poles do a one-eighty and swap places.”

Is It Happening Right Now?

The Poles of the Earth Are Tilting!

Recommended Only for Geeky Nerds

(Like Me)

Original Content Cred For Vid: TheSimplySpace


“You’re Bullshit,” Rog says.

“Nope,” I say. “Look it up. And here is the funny part: Earth is wayyy overdue for the next swap. Could happen at any moment. What if the ‘swap’ just so happens to happen right before we pull into Sydney?”

Matt says, somewhat exasperated, “Ok, I give. What?”

“We’d then be heading to New ‘Up Yonder’ and not old ‘Down Under’. The maps would all have to be reprinted. And we’d have to turn around to stay on course for all those broads who want to ‘Rent-A-Sailor’ in Sydney, New Up Yonder.”

*Collective Groans All Around…*

In unison: “Fuck You Marcom!”



To be continued.


Author’s note: This post is in serious need of an enema edit.

I’ll administer it later.

Butt Busy now. (Some pun intended–caint lie)


And thanks for sailing this far…

Just call me Ismael.


P.S. I am not nearly as smart as I think I am.

Not even half as smart as I think I am.

Truth is, I am only about one-third as smart as I think I am.


Batting 333 will get you into the Hall of Fame.

In Baseball.

“Lance! This ain’t baseball.”

“No shit?

Damn! I musta took a wrong turn at ‘Albequerky’

Pigs In A Blanket: This Post Is Insulting–Sorry. More Wasted Pearls-cast-at-Swine. Facebook Nonsense Posted By Me. “Latest Styles & Colors!” & Baghdad! (Note To Self: “Self, Don’t Shit Where You Eat”)

Baghdad. I Want To Go Back To Baghdad!

Animaniacs – Baghdad Cafe

Cred For Vid Share: rainbowzzzzzzzz

New Looney Tunes | Baghdad Bugs Makes Wishes

Cred Fer Sure: Boomerang UK


I am working on a new post,

but it is too heavy for


Will publish it on my Blog.


Stay Loony-Tuned!


I have six or seven pages of copious notes to make sense of.

May take a day or two.

Meantime, I just drop this bit of frivolity in.

“Latest Styles & Colors!”

Insane Lance. Which Road To Take? The One Less, Or More? Less? OK. Yes, I Concur, “Less.” Less is More. Quoth The Raven

Nightcore – iNSaNiTY

Vid Cred: Zen – Kun


Hey Y’all!

Please do me a ‘solid’


Help me decipher my writing notes. They make no sense to me.

I thank you in advance.


“The Road Not Taken”



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.


Fuck it!

I am boarding the Insane Train.

I want to be with My People.

Bonus just for ref,


Bonus Bullshit:

“I’m no stranger to the rain
I’m a friend of thunder
Friend, is it any wonder lightning strikes me
I’ve fought with the devil
Got down on his level
But I never gave in, so he gave up on me.”

–Keith Whitley

Booze killed Keith.

It gonna kill me too.

Lorrie couldn’t save him.

He shoulda married a redhead.

A proper redhead would have kicked his dumb ass and made him live, or at least, want to live. Fucking Idiot! So much a waste. Of talent and promise.