Hahahaha! Still In Recycled Bull-Shite Mode. And Yes! It’s True: TT&H Is A ‘Green’ Site. “I am Lazy–& Drinkin’ “Back-Slider’s Wine” (Believe It Or Not, I Still LOVE My Life–Aim To Keep it Close To My Breast/Chest)

“God In His Wisdom, Made The Fly & Then Forgot To Tell Us Why”

–Ogden Nash

***

Writer’s Blok Has Me Constipated! A Fly In My Mouse House is Pissing Me Off! Or, “A Fly Went By” or a Fly Needs to go ‘Bye-Bye’ A Fly Needs to Die!

“I found myself face-down on a barroom floor.”

“A Fly Went By”

Read Aloud for Children

If Y’all cannot figure out the obvious poignant message here for today, you are probably reading the wrong blog.

No cute kitty vids will ever be found here.

Sorry Kids

A Fly Went By

Street Cred for Reading: Tallulah Skya

There is a fly.

There is a fly.

There is a fly buzzing by

Landing on my keyboard

Fucking with me.

Can’t swat him

Can’t spay him

Can’t spray him

(Keyboard thing. Electronics Thang) No spraying.

Caint slay him. (I tried)

Can’t fuck him (I tried that too)

Can’t kill him.

Guess I’ll just have to learn to live with him.

In my mouse-house.

Fuck me!

Twice

Honestly

The shit I am forced to accept in my life!

I guess that’s the ‘reality’ Baby!

Bugs!!

Cred: Bobbie, benjichilders, et al. Duh!

“Hey Look at me! With the DDT!”

Serious Related Below!

Terminally Related

(And Over-Pontificated):

The Basra BugMan Re-Visited. (With My Sincere Apologies To The Chordettes) And, Yet Once Again, Lame-Ass WordPress Will NOT Allow Me To Properly EDIT This! Grrrrr!

My MAN: Baghdad Bob!”

Basrah Bug Man

I Am Become Death: Destroyer of Tiny Worlds.

Bugs were a huge problem for us in Basra, Iraq. There were big bugs, small bugs, flying bugs, crawling bugs, creeping bugs, biting bugs, fighting bugs, suicide bomber bugs, and worst of all: No-See’um bugs. (I love bugs: please read Queendom )

Then every day at precisely 1600hrs,

BUGMAN!

“Here I come to savvve the day!!!”

Mister Bugman

Sung to the tune ‘Mister Sandman”

*****************

bug, bug, bug, bug, bug

bug, bug, bug, bug, bug

bug, bug, bug, bug, bug

Mr. Bugman, save us from screams

(bug, bug, bug, bug, bug)

Kill all those bugs that we’ve ever seen

Credit: The Chordettes.

 
 

(bug, bug, bug, bug, bug)

Give them a tank of poison and smoker

(bug, bug, bug, bug, bug)

Then tell them their buggy nights are over

Bugman, Now I’m so alone

Don’t have no bugs to crawl in my home

Please turn off your smoky beam

Mr. Bugman, bring us a scream

bug, bug, bug, bug, bug

Mr. Bugman, don’t save us from screams

Bring back those bugs, the cutest we’ve seen

Give them the word that we’ll not roll over

Then tell them their lonesome nights are over

bug, bug, bug, bug, bug

Mr. Bugman bring back our screams

(Yes)

Give them six eyes with a come-hither green

Give them six legs like bugs Versace

And lots of wavy hairs like Liber-auntsy

Mr Bugman, someone to scold

(Someone to scold)

Would be so peachy before we’re too old

So please turn off your poison beam

Mr Bugman, bring us, please, please, please

Mr bugman, bring us our screams

bug, bug, bug, bug, bug…

‘Cause now we miss the bugs an’ we’re bored…

BUGS

“Roach Motel”

Might Meet The Requirements of a Good Sea Story:

This is a

“No-Shitter”

*****

My Life on Rinse and Repeat:

Ed. Note: Lance would kill all the bugs in the Watergate Hotel, the Pentagon, and the White House for JUST one affectionate sideways glance from Bobbie Gentry

SEE YA! WE BE OUTTA HERE!

BUGS!

I LOVE You Bobbie Gentry!

“Hey Look At me! With the DDT!”

Naw, that would be ‘against-the-law!’

And your point is?

Hehehehe…evil laugh

“Hey MS Muse, Reach me that spray can of DDT: The one we got from the feed store.

Oh! And ‘Please & Thank You’ in Advance.”

(Don’t need no more ‘Muse-ic Drama’)

She put down her Rubik’s Cube, grabbed the DDT can and bounced it off my head.

That’s my Gal!

Video Credit: benjichilders

More Unsolicited ‘Opinion’ From Y’all’s Favorite Asshole: C’est Moi.

“Donovan:”

ChildKing of The Boy Wonder, One-Hit Wonders:

“Atlantis” Way down below the fuckin’ Ocean. You shoulda remained there. Dear Donnie. Just sayin’.

Bobbie Gentry Did him a Solid by even allowing him on her TV show.

How lame was he?

Trust me: The Math breaks down at this point.

But He was Pretty-Boy Lame

******************

So… I’m sleeping one off when I felt something tickling.

Woke up and discovered a rather plumpish large roach parked on my nose.

(Had to go cross-eyed to look at him—yes, I am assuming gender here—my bad)

He jumped off my nose onto my chin.

Then he spoke to me:

“Hey Bubba, we be outta here.”

Still half-asleep and somewhat groggy, all I could muster was, “Whaaat?”

Mister Roach continued, “We are leaving your Dumb Ass.”

I bolted upright, causing Mister Roach to tumble onto my mattress.

“Take a gander Mutha Fukker!” He shouted out of his Little Roach Lips.

But I heard him well enough.

Focused my eyes on the floor. Sure as shit, there was a single file line of cockroaches, some carrying suitcases, some wearing backpacks, all marching quick-time toward my back door. I looked up and saw a squadron of gnats flying over the marching roaches, providing air-cover I quickly surmised.

Spokesman Roach was preparing to jump off my mattress, but before he leapt down to join his comrades, he turned to me and said, “Don’t you wanna know why we are leaving your sorry ass?”

“Not really,” I replied. “But I figure you’re gonna tell me anyway.”

“Damn Skippy Asshole.”

“Well, get it off your chest then. Does your kind have chests, by the way? I have spent many a sleepless night pondering this heavy mystery.”

“Very Funny You Schmuck,” He shot back.

He coughed up some vile phlegm, depositing it on my mattress.

And continued, “For your edification (This was a literate Roach, with a solid command of The Queen’s English) For your edification, he repeated, we have thoraxes.”

“I am praying you will soon arrive-at-the-point,” I said.

He obliged:

“Here is our list of grievances,” He said, handing me a sheet of toilet paper. “Read and Weep. Then wipe your ass.”

I perused the paper and discovered this Piercing Eloquence:

“To Wit, Please Discover Below Our Valid and Legitimate Justifications For ‘Buggin’ Out.”

(I had to laugh at that—This Roach had a sense of humor—who knew?)

I continued my read:

  • This ‘Host Human’ is a nasty son of a bitch—no shower in weeks—even by our standards, this is beyond the pale
  • There is no uneaten food anywhere to be found in this ‘Mouse House’
  • The ‘Music’ he plays (too loudly) assaults our sensibilities and disrupts our concentration
  • He has been known to spray, indiscriminately, recklessly, RAID at our brother and sister gnats, thus branding him as a ‘Mass-Murderer’
  • He is ugly and disgusting
  • He is stupid

“Seems to me Y’all have put a great deal of thought into this… uh… ‘Declaration of Independence,” I said, handing him back his manifesto.

“Yes, we have. Now will you kindly get the door so that we may make good our departure?”

“Sure,” I said. But one question before you ‘Bug Out.”

“Make it quick Jerk; we have somewhere to be.”

“Where are you going? What will Y’all do?”

“Never mind what we will do. Just get the damn door.”

“But how will you get to where you are going?”

“If you must know, there is a ‘Roach Coach’ headed here as we speak. Catch ya laters.”

I opened the door and waited until the Caboose of the Bug Train made it out into the parking lot. I stood in the doorway and lo’ and behold, I saw a Roach Coach (Meskin, judging by the paint scheme on the vehicle). Seemed fitting I suppose: La Cucaracha.

Even though MY Roaches were all Texican/American Roaches and spoke even less Meskin than me.

I wished them well.

Oh Well.

I suppose they could learn. MY Roaches were not idiots. I mean, under good leadership, they had the intelligence to abandon a sinking ship.

I stepped back into my hooch; shut and locked the door; sat down on my bed. Was thinking,

“Well fuck them! My Ingrate Pets. I need to adopt a Dog, or a Cat, or an Armadillo, or an Ant Farm of Fire Ants—any one of which would be more loyal.”

As I was sitting there feeling all alone and abandoned, I became aware of a funky odor and it was ME!

So I spent ‘An Hour In The Shower.’

“I dream of things I can’t say, or I’ll get put away.”

******

To Put A Cork In This Story:

Never put your Faith in Roaches or Gnats. They are fickle and never loyal. They will not stand by you during the lean times.

Get Yourself an Armadillo.

Cheers Y’all!

P.S., “Never hit your Mother with a Shovel. It leaves a Dull Impression on Her Mind.”

–Butch Cassidy

****

Just for you, Donavan:

Credit where Credit is Due:

This was/is a great Song.

Too bad it is all you had in you.

But Hey! Ride that Fame-Train.

Until you run outta track

Video Credit: Carlos Lara

By the way, Donovan, you ain’t no Cat Stevens

Sorry:  ‘Yusuf Islam’

(Difficult to keep up with all you ‘stars’ name changes—Identity changes.)

“Yusuf Islam’—Gag me with the ‘Woke-Ness’ Monster spoon, but Cat,

Your wonderful music supersedes your lame-ass identity politics.”

Hey Cat/‘Yusuf!

I’m still looking for ‘That Hard-Headed Woman.

HBO?

Help a brother out?

And Cat/Yusuf, I too have known a lot of fancy dancers.

They need not apply.

I am in the Crusade of ‘REAL.’

****

Oh shit! A sudden fear comes upon me:

“What if MS Muse swerves into this post?”

I’ll tell ya what:

It will not be a pleasant experience for your humble servant, that’s what.

P.P.S., I LOVE The Art.

I Give zero shits about the ‘Artists’ Politics.

I love and Appreciate The ART

These sentiments of mine are well-documented in these pages.

One Last Addendum for You, Cat/Yusuf:

My Ph.D.,

University Prof/Third wife

said these words to me shortly after Cat Stevens changed his ‘Religion’ (and his name) from whatever-it-was to Islam:
“I always knew he was ‘that way.’”
“What way?” I asked.
“Islamic- Ass-Misogamist,” she said.
“You do not know that,” I said back. “You are ignorant on this topic.”
She stormed away.

Needless to say, I did not get laid that day.
And for many days thereafter.
Bitch saved grudges like cash money.

“The Gnats Are Back” Or “Gnat Pool Party” You Pick Yer Own Title. (As It May Suit You)

The Gnats are Back!

Now… where did I put that DDT?

Bobbie?

Girl! Reach me that DDT!

BUGS!

Shared Vid Cred: benjichilders

So, I am tryin’ real hard

(Yes it is hard. Hey! Get Yer Mind Outta That Gutter!)

Tryin’ real hard to tone down on the drinkin’.

Poured me a ‘HALF-GLASS’ of wine, (Not much more than would fill a hen’s ear) into a ‘Normal’ wine glass as opposed to my usual, ‘Barrel Glass Runneth Over.’

NE-Way….

Phone started ringing (as it sometimes do)

Set my glass on the counter and waltzed over to pick-up the phone:

“Hello,” I said.

Voice on the line asked,

“Is this Lance Marcom?”

“Might be. What do you want?”

“Mister Marcom, I am Helga with Corporation Blah, Blah, Blah. Our records indicate you are two months in arrears. When may we expect a payment to your account?”

“Let me get back to you on that.

My Fridge is running and I need to go catch it before it escapes.
Bye now.”

*Click*

Remembered my ‘Left-all-alone’ wine glass.

Went back to re-capture it and take it hostage for my liver.

Discovered the Gnats were having a Gnat Pool Party in MY POOL. Doing back-flips, canon balls, and competitive diving off the rim of my glass.

I rescued my glass and drank down the wine along with the Fun-Loving Gnats.

“That’ll teach ‘em, by God!”
I said to no one in particular.

*****

Footnote to the Story:

After taking Inventory, Discovered I was Dangerously low-on-Booze.

Needed to go shopping next day.

Gonna go down and shop at

“The Tom Waits Booze Emporium & Bicycle Shoppe”

Cheers Y’all!

Since I Still Be Stymied & Stuck & Hopelessly Remain/Retained/Detained in “Bug” Mode: “The Basra Bugman Revisited” I Wish. Because I Miss His Daily Perambulations.

Ed. Note: I Write As I Wish:

Adverbs, Pronouns, Adjectives, Verbs… Syntax

I Use ’em as I see fit

Proper Grammar Means Nada, Rien, Nothing to Me

****

And Forever Remember Kids:

Always Look Under Yer Bed B4 Retiring for The Night.

You’ll Sleep Better.

Trust Me On This:

I Am Smart

And Wise to The Ways of the Bug-World

I am re-posting this because I am still working on the Continuation of the ‘Sinai Field Mission Chronicles‘.

(Great Excuse, eh?) Anyway, some of you ‘newbies’ may not have had the wonderful ‘opportunity’ to have swerved into it. Therefore it is with great humility that I present it once again for your perusal.

**************

Bugs were a huge problem for us in Basra.

There were big bugs, small bugs, flying bugs, crawling bugs, creeping bugs, creepy bugs, sleepy bugs, scary bugs, poisonous bugs,  biting bugs, fighting bugs, suicide bomber bugs, and worst of all: No-See’um bugs. (Please don’t get me wrong: I love bugs:  Queendom  and Spiders)

But every day at precisely 1600hrs:

BUGMAN!

Basrah Bug Man

The BUGMAN Commeth: Bugs, watch yer ass.

We all worked in trailers, which passed for ‘Offices’ in Basra and we had A/C Window Units which would suck in the Bugman’s Offerings with vengeance. So everyday, at around 1600hrs, we kept collective ears tuned for the sound of Bugman and his Blower, lest we fail to turn off the A/C’s and become victim to BUGMAN.

The parlance always went like this: The one with the best hearing would announce in a low nonchalant voice: 

‘The Bugman.” (almost a whisper, but we were all tuned in to those two words–we certainly did not want to be premature, because of the oppressive heat)

Then scramble to shut down all the A/C units ahead of relentless Bugman (no less than twelve window units), and life would go on, while we sat sweating (Yes, the heat was brutal, but so were the bugs).

“Here I come to savvve the day!!!”

Continue reading

The Gnats Are Back & Having A ‘Gnat Blast’ At My Personal Annoyance

Yeah, The Gnats are Back!

(They Had Flown South For The Winter)

Yet I had expected them much sooner than Today

They Musta Taken A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

I Had A ‘Welcome Home’ Greeting For ’em

See What A “Nice, Thoughtful” Guy I Am?

Office Space

***

Now… where did I put that DDT?

“Bobbie, Reach me the DDT will ya Girl?”

***

So, I am tryin’ real hard

(Yes it is hard. Hey! Get Yer Mind Outta That Gutter!)

Tryin’ real hard to tone down on the drinkin’.

Poured me a ‘HALF-GLASS’ of booze. Not much more than would fill a hen’s ear–(Now, Y’all know I’m lyin’) into a ‘Normal’ booze glass as opposed to my usual, ‘Barrel Glass Runneth Over.’

NE-Way….

Phone started ringing (as it sometimes do)

Set my glass on the counter and waltzed over to pick-up the phone:

“Hello,” I said.

Voice on the line asked,

“Is this Lance Marcom?”

“Might be. Might Not Be. What do you want?”

“Mister Marcom, I am Helga with Corporation Blah, Blah, Blah. Our records indicate you are two months in arrears. When may we expect a payment to your account?”

“Let me get back to you on that. My Fridge is running and I need to go catch it before it escapes.”

*Click*

Bitch Hung Up On me; Didn’t Even Say “Goodbye”

I Cannot Even Imagine Why

***

Remembered My ‘Left-All-Alone’ Booze Glass.

Went back to re-capture it and take it hostage for my liver.

Discovered the Gnats were having a Gnat Pool Party in MY DRINK. Doing back-flips, canon balls, and competitive diving off the rim of my glass.

These Are The “New” Gnats.

They Developed Swimming Anatomies

See How Quickly ‘Evolution’ Can Happen?

Gotta Keep Up With ‘Current Events’

Life Always Finds A Way

Fu*kin’ Gnats!

Pool Party!

In-MY-Drink!

The Cajones On These Assholes!

I rescued my glass and drank down the booze along with the Fun-Loving Gnats.

“That’ll teach ‘em, by God!”
I said to no one in particular.

*****

Theme Song:

Bugs!

“Hey Look At Me… With The DDT”

Shared Vid Cred: benjichilders

*****

Footnote to the Story:

After taking Inventory, Discovered I was Dangerously low-on-Booze.

Needed to go shopping next day.

Gonna go down and shop at

“The Tom Waits Booze Emporium & Bicycle Shoppe”

Cheers Y’all!