Someone Recently ‘Discovered’ ‘Liked’ This—So Natch! What Does Ass-Hole Lance Do? Re-Fresh Re-Writes & Re-Spams! oF Corse! Yeah! Of Course!–

Matter Of Natural Progression–

Thank You, Darwin.

****

“And Take Yer Sweet Time WP”

(Why Do It Take You Six Days To Up-Load My Shit?)

While You Wait For Me To Lose My Train…

Of Thought”

“Just Watch The Movie”

My “Spelling” Always Lacks Something

Some Understanding

To Be Aspired…

Or Desired

I Am Forever

aLWAYS

tHE uNDER-aCHIEVER–

ME!

C’est Moi!

Hahahahahaha!

An Ass-Hole Is Always An Ass-Hole!

Of Course

Of Course!

Just Like A Horse!

Cred Fer Share: Steven No-Body

J/K!

Here is his LanceLot Link Link:

https://www.youtube.com/user/sduffrin

(Yeah! Re-Dumb-Dant!)

Git OVER IT!

“The Reports Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.” –Mark Twain (And Now Shamelessly Stolen By Lance Marcom)

Unknown Brain – Dead (ft. KAZHI)

Laughing My Fu^king Ass Off!

This is a True, Recent Story: Not Something From ‘The Archives.’

No Names Have Been Changed To Protect Innocents

(Because I Don’t Know Any)

*****

It was recently brought to my attention that there is a rumor making the circuit in My Home Town of Honey Grove:

“Lance Marcom Was Found to be Dead.”

(Not sure where or why or how they found me, but those would just be superfluous details—no need for them—not in a small Texas Town)  

And ‘THOSE‘ would (most likely) just be Tales Told By Idiots, Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

–Sorry Will

Of course this made me laugh hysterically—and also made my day—no such thing as ‘bad press’ for a wanna-be fledgling writer.

So, ‘Thank-You-Very-Mucho-Much’ to whoever started this story.

While I was still laughing my ass off on the phone with my very good old friend who had brought this News to me, a brilliant idea began to gestate in my mind:

“Hey Johnny! Let’s run with this. You tell everyone that you have confirmed the veracity of this report. Then you set up a GoFundMe page for the Funeral Expenses—Should Fly—My Poverty is Well-Documented.

We’ll split the ‘Charitable’ Proceeds 50/50.”

(I have always had a bit of larceny in my bones and in my genes and in my heart)

“I’m on it.” said Johnny, “But do you honestly think anyone gives a shit about “Lance Marcom?”

“Print Up some Flyers; scatter them around in Ladonia–the ‘Marcom Name’ still carries a bit of weight there, Because of My Grandfather.

You know of him. He was the Town Doctor who would accept chickens, or pigs, or heifers, in lieu of money. He was loved and belov’d.”

I detected a ‘smirk’ (Remotely–on my Smart-Phone) crawling all-over-the-face of my Friend at the mention of ‘Heifers.’

“Johnny, they were ‘four-legg’d heifers–that’s all.’ My Grandfather Marcom was a Fucking Methodist!

And Allow me to reiterate.

I’ve been riding fare-free and care-free on his ‘Fame-Train’ all my life. “

Plan Incubated and Hatched—Now for the execution of same—no Pun

*******

As an aside, if the Police Do Get Involved, The Numero-Uno Prime Suspect Will Be Guess Who?

Yep

*******

“I’m not dead.  I feel fine. Think I’ll go for a walk…”

Causally Related:

Lance: Cerifi-Capable-Fie-Able Azz-HoleI Have Been To The Nam-But Not in War-Time. Thank God! (If There Is Such A Being–I Choose To hold My Cards Close to my Chest)

Arrival:

I SHALL Endeavor To Do Better

“Lance. You’re An Azz-Hole!”

It Ain’t Entirely All MY Fault:

My Internet Is All Fu*ked Up!

“Welcome to the Internet”–

Fuk U!

I’ve Been Here for Years!

I Was the Orig Idiot

“Early Adopter”

Or is That “Adapter?

Just One More Dead Fish Goin’ With The Flow

***

Who The Fuk Cares At This Point?

Cred: Welcome to the Internet – Bo Burnham

Lance is an Asshole–This is NOT New News!

***

*Heavy Sigh*

P.S. I’ll Plug-In the Creds Later–Maybe…

Maybe Not

PPS:

I am Dangerously Low On Cope-En Hagen & Give-A-Shit

Low On Hope For My Future

Bobble-Bubble-Headed Mother Fu*ker: Don Lee-Mon–Racist Piece-of-Shit, Hypocrite–Stupid is as Stupid does Moron. How is this Asshole Still walking about with a Frickin’ job?

Who is Paying him?

Mark ‘Fukle-Berg?

No! I Mis-Spoke!

THAT Asshole Owns FaceBook

***

(Ed. Note: There Is A ‘Brain-Ded’

Brian Seltzer-Water Bonus Gem At The End.

***

Bobbsey Twins– Kissing Cousins:

****

Puke IN My Mouth. Please And Thank You. Every Time I see this moron, I get this sudden urge to throw up in my mouth. Is this not the dumbest, ‘stupied-in cest’ Mother-Fu*ker in the history of stupid mother-fu#kers on Television?” Fairy” Certain that answer would be ‘Yes.’ A Resounding ‘Yes’.

There are only three people still watching this idiot. I am one of them.

Why? Because I love the comedy of the inane insane.

And it is free/cheap.

It only costs me a few brain cells.

Which I can regenerate.

Usually

Hopefully

Don Lemon: Before He Puts On His Makeup:

Above & Some Below Vid Creds: John Ward

Bonus Added Value:

Ted Koppel Has The Receipts.

Blames Mainstream Media’s Desire For Ratings For The Rise Of Donald Trump

Street Cred For Shared Vid: Roland S. Martin

Action Jackson: Jackson Browne Was / Is a Misogynist. I Kinda / Sorta Forgave Him That–No! Not Really! Never Will I Ever Forgive Him For That. Such An Asshole!

I have only slapped a woman once in my Life-Time

(My Last Wife)

And I Still Have Not Forgiven Me for That.

I Never Will

And I Must Carry The Shame & Remorse–

Forever

And For Three Days After I’m Dead

I Hate Violence Perpetrated On Women.

Do It Within My Sight.

I’ll Fuk You Up–

Twice

Trust Me:

I Am Quite Capable of Capably Capable Of Fukking You Up.

Do Not Test Me

***

Fuk You Jackson Browne.

You Be “Running On Empty”

But I Do Love The Music You Made—

I Sincerely Do.

I Can Grudgingly Admit That.

Jackson Browne – The Pretender, NY, June 9, 1996:

Joni & Jack-Ass Browne:

NO NO NO NO!

(Not really Like Him—He is An Asshole, As Am I.

I Do Not Tolerate Abuse of Women–Well-Documented By Me In These Pages) But Also Documented By Me: I Appreciate The Art, Even If The ‘Artist’ Is An Asshole.

 

But I liked him anyway

Or/And His music.

I really did like his music.

(I could not help it)

Cred for Vid Share: Megan Smith

*****

Pretending To Be a Real Man:

Fuck U Jacs–Off – Browne

You Fake-A-Zoid Worthless Mother-Fucker!

G’damn! How did I Manage to fuk This One Up???! On First Meeting Michelle—Did Not Go So Well–It Got Better, But Then I Screw’d It Up. (As Usual)

The Beatles Live- Michelle My Belle:

Cred for Vid Share: Maco939

******

It Got Better, But Then I F*#ked It Up. (As Usual) And if You are Assuming, Presuming, It Was Physical Abuse, Then You Are Deluded. And Have Not ‘Read’ Me—It Was ‘Neglect’ On My Part: Michelle Expected More From Me Than I Was Capable of Giving. That Was It. I am An Idiot! I Threw Away The Love of A Good Woman and a Kindred Spirit. She Was My Chance to Grasp That Brass Ring! A Military Woman–Whom I Respected! A True Patriot! And A Bona-Fide Sailor! And Like A Fool, I Just Let Her Walk Away.

I Know This Photo Below Is A Brit She-Sailor,

But I Love Her Face

And

She Is ALMOST As Beautiful

As

“My Michelle”

Michelle, ma belle
These are words that go together well
My Michelle
Michelle, ma belle
Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble
I love you, I love you, I love you
That’s all I want to say
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand

Author’s Note:

This Was Yet Another Relationship That I Managed to Mangle & Fuck Up.

&

Let Her Slip Away

Yes! I Have Regrets!

In The Recruit Training Command at That time There Was A Volunteer Program We Could “Volunteer” For. It Was Called “Saturday Scholars” One Could Get Out of Saturday Duty if one Signed Up.

Michelle and I Signed Up.

The ‘Program’ Was to go to The Inner-City Ghettos of Chicago and Tutor Poor Black Kids. Michelle and I Were actually Very Sincere About This ‘Work’ and We Bonded Every Saturday as we rode the Bus To Chicago. We Wanted to do Good Work–Serve The Community–Honourably Represent Our Navy.

Which We Both Loved Equally

I loved her very much–Even More Than The Navy

We Were Cut From The Same Cloth, I Thought, but as I said,

I Eventually Managed to Fuck That Up Somehow

I am very Good In This Regard

Call me An ‘Overachiever’ If You Must

South Park: In the Ghetto:

*******

Elvis Presley – In the Ghetto

*********

Dateline: Late 1985

Time: 0800 hrs.

Geographical Location: Great Mistakes Naval Training Center—Just south of Chicago.

Venue: A Navy Auditorium

Suspect: One Ricky-Recruit, AKA

“Marcom-The Moron”

*Slips now into first-person narrative*

I had arrived just a little later than was prudent.

Hence, no seats in the back of the venue.

Searched about. Scanning…

Only open seats were in the front row.

****

I took myself up-front, found a seat next to a serious-looking blond she-sailor, decked out in freshly pressed dress blues. AJ-Squared-Away, she was.

Old Military / Sailor Saw: “Never sit up front and never volunteer for nothin.

I had already broken the first rule. I was about to Break The Second…

****

I was in dungarees—not pressed. Certainly not ‘AJ-Squared away’… slightly hung-over, if I am aiming at honest narrative here.

‘Under-Dressed’ does not even come close.

I had plopped down to her starboard.

Risked a look at her.

(I had already lost myself in her eyes)

She sensed my gaze, looked me dead in my eye and said,

“What are you staring at Sailor? Hi. My name is Michelle. What’s yours?” She said as she extended her hand.

I shook her hand and was surprised to experience a very firm grip/handshake.

A Naval Officer took to the old, very old wooden podium and began his spiel, trying to sell us on ‘Saturday Scolars.’ and drag out some volunteers.

Michelle went Eyes-Front: Intensely paying serious Military Attention.

I did not.

I kept gazing at her…

To the point of being too obvious.

Oh! And BTW, it did not escape me that she was a 3rd Class Petty Officer.

And an ‘ET–Electronics Techincian’

An E-4

She seriously ‘out-ranked’ me–in Brains and Beauty

And, obvious to me:

Out-Classed me.

In the Nav, we called them ‘IPO’s

“Instant Petty Officer”

If you Graduate from the ‘Right Navy School,’ you are auto-magically promoted.

I was, my own self, enrolled in such a school, but the successful end game—of MY Graduation—was tenuous at best.

Not my intent to bash Y’all over the head with a not-so-subtle…

But this do serve my narrative.

Serves it well…

Oh Well….

Credit: Ethereal Music

To be continued…

Previously

On First Meeting Michelle—Did Not Go So Well–It Got Better, But Then I Screw’d It Up. (As Usual)

The Beatles Live- Michelle My Belle:

Cred for Vid Share: Maco939

******

It Got Better, But Then I Fucked It Up. (As Usual) And if You are Assuming, Presuming, It Was Physical Abuse, Then You Are Deluded. And Have Not ‘Read’ Me—It Was ‘Neglect’ On My Part: Michelle Expected More From Me Than I Was Capable of Giving. That Was It. I am An Idiot! I Threw Away The Love of A Good Woman and a Kindred Spirit. She Was My Chance to Grasp That Brass Ring! A Military Woman–Whom I Respected! A True Patriot! And A Bona-Fide Sailor! And Like A Fool, I Just Let Her Walk Away.

I Know This Photo Below Is A Brit She-Sailor,

But I Love Her Face

And

She Is ALMOST As Beautiful

As

“My Michelle”

Michelle, ma belle
These are words that go together well
My Michelle
Michelle, ma belle
Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble
I love you, I love you, I love you
That’s all I want to say
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that you’ll understand

Author’s Note:

This Was Yet Another Relationship That I Managed to Mangle & Fuck Up.

&

Let Her Slip Away

Yes! I Have Regrets!

In The Recruit Training Command at That time There Was A Volunteer Program We Could “Volunteer” For. It Was Called “Saturday Scholars” One Could Get Out of Saturday Duty if one Signed Up.

Michelle and I Signed Up.

The ‘Program’ Was to go to The Inner-City Ghettos of Chicago and Tutor Poor Black Kids. Michelle and I Were actually Very Sincere About This ‘Work’ and We Bonded Every Saturday as we rode the Bus To Chicago. We Wanted to do Good Work–Serve The Community–Honourably Represent Our Navy.

Which We Both Loved Equally

I loved her very much–Even More Than The Navy

We Were Cut From The Same Cloth, I Thought, but as I said,

I Eventually Managed to Fuck That Up Somehow

I am very Good In This Regard

Call me An ‘Overachiever’ If You Must

South Park: In the Ghetto:

*******

Elvis Presley – In the Ghetto

*********

Dateline: Late 1985

Time: 0800 hrs.

Geographical Location: Great Mistakes Naval Training Center—Just south of Chicago.

Venue: A Navy Auditorium

Suspect: One Ricky-Recruit, AKA

“Marcom-The Moron”

*Slips now into first-person narrative*

I had arrived just a little later than was prudent.

Hence, no seats in the back of the venue.

Searched about. Scanning…

Only open seats were in the front row.

****

I took myself up-front, found a seat next to a serious-looking blond she-sailor, decked out in freshly pressed dress blues. AJ-Squared-Away, she was.

Old Military / Sailor Saw: “Never sit up front and never volunteer for nothin.

I had already broken the first rule. I was about to Break The Second…

****

I was in dungarees—not pressed. Certainly not ‘AJ-Squared away’… slightly hung-over, if I am aiming at honest narrative here.

‘Under-Dressed’ does not even come close.

I had plopped down to her starboard.

Risked a look at her.

(I had already lost myself in her eyes)

She sensed my gaze, looked me dead in my eye and said,

“What are you staring at Sailor? Hi. My name is Michelle. What’s yours?” She said as she extended her hand.

I shook her hand and was surprised to experience a very firm grip/handshake.

A Naval Officer took to the old, very old wooden podium and began his spiel, trying to sell us on ‘Saturday Scolars.’ and drag out some volunteers.

Michelle went Eyes-Front: Intensely paying serious Military Attention.

I did not.

I kept gazing at her…

To the point of being too obvious.

Oh! And BTW, it did not escape me that she was a 3rd Class Petty Officer.

And an ‘ET–Electronics Techincian’

An E-4

She seriously ‘out-ranked’ me–in Brains and Beauty

And, obvious to me:

Out-Classed me.

In the Nav, we called them ‘IPO’s

“Instant Petty Officer”

If you Graduate from the ‘Right Navy School,’ you are auto-magically promoted.

I was, my own self, enrolled in such a school, but the successful end game—of MY Graduation—was tenuous at best.

Not my intent to bash Y’all over the head with a not-so-subtle…

But this do serve my narrative.

Serves it well…

Well….

Credit: Ethereal Music

To be continued…

Previously