I Spent Three Days In A Meskin Jail & Four Years In Iraq…Two Years In Afghanistan. Three Years In Sinai–Y’all Think Jail Frightens Me? Or Anything Frightens Me? Think Again My Friends.
Okay.
There is ONE Thing That Frightens Me:
ME
***
This is a Work of FICTION! Because I Do Not Know if There is a Statute of Limitations on Arson. Not Any Word of this Story is True. It is ALL FICTION.
LMFAO!
That Said, This is Another Madelyn & Lance Tale (Fictional!)
Finally Found My Old Blue Jeans:
Cred for Vid Share: Želimir Lah
Back in the mid – Seventies, Madelyn worked at a joint in Bonham, Texas: ‘Richard’s Jeans’.
She sold jeans and other shit. She loved her part-time job. It was a nice place. I had gone there a few times to see her…
On the 3’rd of July, circa 1974 Madelyn came home almost crying. I was working on my billiard skills (We had a pool table on the third floor of our ‘apartment’)
Madelyn ran past me, ran into her room and slammed the door. I took a sip from my Coors beer, then cautiously knocked lightly on her door.
“Go away!” she said. “Don’t think so,” I said to myself. I opened the door.
She was sitting on her bed, sobbing.
I sat down next to her.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “I have lost my job” she said. “That asshole Richard fire you? I’ll kill him” “No! He is closing the store!”
“Oh. Okay. I won’t kill him. At least not today.” (He paid her shit wages)
To Be Continued….
******
Has occured to me some may not know of my relationship with Madelyn.
Now, I can Honestly Say That I Have Been to Jail In-This-Country–America, as Opposed to All The ‘Other’ Countries I have been to Jail in…
Tom Waits – “Eggs and Sausage
In A Cadillac With Susan Michelson”
“Why do men chase women?”
“I think It’s Because They Fear Death”
“Old saying my mother told me. Wanna hear it?”
“Yeah. Sure. Of Course.”
“Don’t Shit Where You Eat.”
–Olympia Dukakis
Hem
Author’s Note:
Yes. I’ve done some incredibly stupid shit in my time.
Below is an actual-for-real email I sent to a soon-to-be former boss (an attractive lady-boss, of course.) and is sadly very close to the top of the Misfit Hit Paradeof lame-ass-actions I have perpetratedon innocents.
***
I have swerved into the solution for Drunken Emails.
Who could’ve known it would be this simple?
Street Cred for Vid: Big Play Films
***
From: Moron<lance_moron@misfits.fubar>cc bcc:
To: Lady_Boss@job.yrfired
Subject: Tattoo
Dear Suki,
Yes, I am getting a tattoo (for my ‘mousing’ musing hand).
It will read simply, succinctly, in Big Bold Letters:
“No!”
Subtle Reminder:
“No! Don’t Go There Lance!”
Brevity? Yes. (‘That soul of wit.’)
“Words have meaning Son,” my father often told me.
And short words, I have discovered, oft hold the most meaningful meaning.
It has been ‘awkward’ (to say the very least) to face you of late.
After my ‘email shot-gunning’ you, off-the-chain escapade of recent shameful regret, but… I did it and today found the courage to read all of what I did send and happily discovered, most were not of the obnoxious caliber of my historical wont.
Thank God and Baby Hey Zeus!
Alas, I wish I had an excuse.
Yet, in searching, there is one to be discovered, but so probably painfully evident that it requires no verbalization:
Two times per year, I get to ‘explore’ my darker side.
Two times per year, I choose a ‘lucky’ recipient to ‘share’ in my darkness.
Two times per year someone gets to be ‘it’.
Guess what?!
Tag!
You won!
You’re the New ‘IT’ Girl!
Congratulations!
You’re in Good Company.
Clara Bow: The Original It Girl, 1927
***
The thing about writers (and those so-called writers who call themselves ‘writers’) is that they are so full of themselves, so full of shit & vain by nature (it is requisite-with the breed), and every writer and so-called writer I have ever met, are… assholes. All.
Vain, pompous, drinks-too-much, full of sound and fury, and desperation just to be read.
“A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Desperate for…
Crying for…
Waiting for…
Black Velvet, Black Velvet, If You Please…
(Feminine / Female Diversion)
***
FEEDBACK
I am not (not really) stupid.
I know you cannot ‘comment’ nor even acknowledge, via email, all the posts I posted ‘at you.’
I dare say you would be wise to ignore me and my ramblings, given our professional relationship.
Yet, if you did read even one of the posts on my blog, (actually I think you read the first one I begged you to read—not the ‘best’ one, but one which apparently was on my mind–at the time)
It is a very simple thing to comment, ‘in disguise’ as
‘anonymous.’
Or ‘any-mouse.’
Or simply, “A Fan.” (tongue in cheek)
Too easy.
Do that once and I will be sated.
Do it twice and you get a
For Free Mickey Mouse Pencil Sharpener,
OR
An Autographed8X10 Hollywood-Type-Glossy Photograph of Jesus Christ.
Sermon-on-the-mount, highly recommended, and our best-seller
But you cannot have both; there is a limited supply.
Do it thrice: You should seek counsel.
Professional help.
Honestly.
Never mind…
“Writers are assholes.”
“Lance is a ‘writer’”
“Ergo, Lance is an asshole.”
***
Suki,
There is a point to this post, but most assuredly, I have forgotten my initial inclination in that regard.
***‘
Jeopardy musical theme plays
***
Oh yes!
Now I’ve got it!
This is my convoluted apology to you.
I am, and shall always remain, an Honorable Military Man.
I am cognizant of the duty (and the mission)
And, admitting I was wrong is something which seems to be easier (and more difficult—same time) to do lately.
My first wife once accused me of aspiring to be “King of the Idiots.”
(She was an idiot savant…well, you’d have to know her to get my meaning, yet, I think–know, that I have posted about her…ON-MY-BLOG)
Back to my point:
Suki,
I am beginning to grow bored with my job.
You are the best supervisor/boss I have had in recent memory. All, and I do mean ALL respect you.
This should be enough for me (and for the foreseeable future it shall be)
But…
I don’t like to shit where I eat, BUT (and this is a curse), I have a opinions and I need to get that tattoo—post haste—and with all due prejudice.
I like you Suki.
I respect you.
I am trying to help you professionally (in my way).
And NO!
I am not trying to ‘do’ anything other than ‘talk’ to you and ‘work’ for you.
To quote Nixon:
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear…”
I am a whore, but only when it comes to my writing.
Nothing else these days (aside from my computer addiction) means anything to me.
Rest easy.
I am not as bad as I may, at first glance, appear
(Truth: I am worse, but I do not bring that to WORK)
Cheers,
—Lance
(Yes: you may quote me. I’d be flattered…. Hahahahaaa)
See you on Friday.
And remember not to work too hard.
Life’s best moments can be fleeting.
Cherish Them
***
Number One
“Win or lose, win or lose To the losers go the heart-sick blues To the victor goes the spoilings Honey, did you win or lose?”
There were a few other escapades no less bizarre during this time, but I won’t recount them here. Like the infamous naked, midnight go-cart ride over and through some very nicely landscaped yards of the Lake Charles rich and famous. Well, rich anyway…
“Don’t start Lance. Get on with the pot smuggling story.”
After several more ‘adventures’ as described above, Kim and I decided we needed to go to McAllen to expedite things with the Mexicans.
We took our partner Kirk with us for balance and also because he had some friends in San Antonio we could hang out with before we drove south to McAllen.
We ended up staying in San Antonio for several weeks before making our way south. Long story why and not particularly exciting, so I’ll skip it.
We arrived in McAllen late one sultry Saturday night and having nothing better to do until morning when we were to hook up with Pablo, we decided to drive into Mexico and visit ‘Boy’s Town’ in Reynosa.
Kim had been there before and told us how the deal worked:
“Before we go, we have to make sure the car is clean. No pot, no guns, no nothing. If we get busted they will put us in jail for a w-h-i-l-e.”
