I Love MY TEXAS! Thought I’d re-post this for all my Brit Friends Out There: “Now I know why London Bridge Fell Down”

When I was working in Basra, my gig allowed two weeks R&R every two months or so. Sounds like a deal, eh? Well, yes it was. Be aware however, we worked seven days a week, ten hours a day. NO days off. So do the math; we earned it. And of course we were getting shelled and rocketed and mortared regularly.

Anyhow, I had a stateside girlfriend back then. Actually more friend than girl. Rather platonic relationship, but we were ‘Buds’ and I loved her dearly. (Still do) And we went way back.

It was agreed by us both, that once I went to Iraq, we would spend our (my) R&R’s together. I flew her to Barcelona, Athens, Italy, and finally London. (She made all the arrangements. All I had to do was show up) Too easy for me.

Mid 2006 we met in London. I was ‘cacked out’ (Lenny Bruce vernacular). Worn out. Plumb tuckered. Tired. Damn tired. Spent.

R&R London

She was, of course not. Now mind you, this woman had been all over Europe already. London, Paris, Madrid, Rome, Berlin, Athens… well, she was rich. Catch my drift? I had seen quite a lot of Europe my own damn self. Did not hold much magic for me.

All I really wanted was some ‘down time.’

Bless her heart (and this speaks volumes of our great friendship), she let me do what I wanted; which basically meant I could sit in the flat she had arranged for us in downtown London and drink Beefeater while watching movies and smoking Marlboro’s and ranting at the current state of affairs in Iraq.

After a few days, she did manage to get me out of the flat for a walk-about. We went to Buckingham Palace (one day shot there)

We went to the British Museum; saw the Rosetta stone. Another day gone.

“Lance that’s the Rosetta Stone.”

“Yep, that’s cool. What’s it say?”

“It says, ‘Shut up Lance’”

Had some fish ‘n’ chips (I preferred Long John Silvers, but that is just what an asshole I am)

Rode the Tube. (I prefer Le Metro in Paris, but what the hell)

And various other exhausting  exhilarating  excursions.

“About three days before we were to part: me back to The Sandbox; she back to Texas, she asked me, “Lance, isn’t there any place in London you would like to see?”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact, there is. I wanna go down to Marble Arch Station.”

“Whaaat?” she said.

“Yeah. Marble Arch Station.”

West End of London, England, United Kingdom

“That is a Tube Station.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Why on Earth…”

“Because it belongs to Gary P. Nunn and Jerry Jeff Walker. And Texas.”

(Best Original Audio from ¡Viva Terlingua!)

London Homesick Blues

She acquiesced and off we went. Got there and I had a salutary beer to J.J. Walker and Gary P. Nunn. Then I was happy and pronounced my R&R a successful bit of Rest and Relaxation.

Best Video From “Lost Gonzo Band (with Gary P. Nunn)”

“Well I decided that

I’d get my cowboy hat

And go down to Marble Arch Station…”

Went back to the flat and had a few gin and tonics and lived happily ever after.

“R&R” means that: Rest and Relax and do whatever the hell you want. London could wait… until I came back the next time.

Good God!

I MISS Texas!

THIS IS A WORK OF FRICTION. B’Leave That Shite? Well Then, I Own London Bridge. Wanna Purchase It? Free Delivery–CONUS Only! Alaska & Hawaii? Go Get Wrecked!

“Fire” —

I Am the God of Hellfire!

(1968) by Arthur Brown

Bonham. LMFAO!

(And Lest I Forget: Ol’ Saint Nick)

No Jesus.

“Sorry God… Better Luck Next Time”

Naw!

RIP!

Hey Zeus!

Gavin DeGraw – Fire:

*****

After my encounter with the Texas Highway Patrol,

Madelyn’s car and I limped into Bonham–Somewat spittin’ an’ a sputtterin’.

I was spittin’; the car was sputterin’…

(Madelyn was never worth-a-shit at maintaining her vehicle, or me…)

I drove through the ugliest Town Square in Texas and pulled into the alley behind Richard’s Jeans.

Bonham! Gag Me!

The ONLY Saving Grace That Bonham Ever Had,

Or will Ever Have, is that Sam Rayburn Lived There

(and died there)

But He Wasn’t From There

He Was Born in Kingston, Tennessee

“Speaker Sam”

Sam Rayburn Library and Museum.

Bonham, Texas

*****

Parked the little Maddy Chariot, and ‘prayed’ it would crank when I was ready to depart.

Probably shoulda just left the engine running, but I.. I Have Never Been accused of being smart.

Fished the key Madelyn had given me and walked around to the front door of the store.een accused of beintg smar

Surveyed the square—weren’t no one there—was The Fourth of July, as I have said.

Let myself in.

Went back to the back door and let myself out.

Retrieved the lighter fluid from the car and went back inside.

I studied the layout of the store.

Several racks of jeans displayed in the middle of the establishment.

Perfect!

I douched two of them down with the lighter fluid.

Pulled out Maddy’s Zippo

Whoosh!

Beat feet out the back door.

Closed it behind me and then as an after-thought, I kicked it in.

Thinking I wanted this to look like arson.

Stupid decision on my part, looking back…

Anyhow, I jumped into The Lil Chariot.

Turned the ignition.

‘Clik clik clik!’

Shit!

Now, I was properly

FUCKED!

Stuck in the alley-way of a building I had just set to flame!

“Lucy, You got some Splainin’ to do!”

*******

Apparently, this was NEVER said in the Show–

This Revelation, Discovered so Late in My Life,

Has Ruined MY LIFE!

Street Cred for Vid: MoneyBags73

And YES!

I Searched All OVER The Internet!

Could NOT Find a Single Clip–Sound Nor Vid!

Shit!

What’s Next?

There Ain’t No Santa Claus??

Never Was?

And All That Wasted Postage I Mailed To a ‘Dead-Letter’ Box!

And Y’all Wonder Why Lance is an Atheist

********

I jumped out, popped the hood and, finding a piece of pipe lying on the ground, proceeded to beat the hell outta the starter. Slammed the hood.

Got back into the car and tried again.

She cranked right up!

I sped away in a cloud of dust and flying gravel.

Hoping Madelyn would love me so much more.

For Doing So Much More Than I Had Ever Done For Her Before. If Y’all Don’t Read The Previous Chapters, None of This Will Make Any Sense–

Not That It Will Anyway…

Lance & Madelyn:

Yeah , We Were Hot For Each Other!

***

To Be Continued…

*****

Chapter Three:

Chapter Two:

Chapter One:

*****

BONUS!

“Down The Road In A Cloud of SMOKE!”

JJ Walker

“Say ‘Goodbye’ to the Landlord for me;

Sons-A-Bitches

Always Bore Me”

*****

“Happy Ending to the Story”

Me And Maddy Pulled it Off

Had To. Sorry Kids! Ex-Panda’d Re-Run. Felt Compelled. Re-Rum Alert! Up-Dated, Slightly Inebriated, and Slightly Expand-I-Cated–Bigly-Cated

And, Having Intelligence is AWFUL!

By The Way.

Some Days, I Wish I Could Die and Be Re-incarnated as an Ostrich–

With My Head Stuck ‘Safely’

In the Sand

But Alas.

There is no God Gonna

Grant Me

That Ignorance Bliss

*Heavy Sigh*

Old Post,

But has been Sanitized for your Protection–

NOT!

Yes!

I Harbor A Serious Weed

Up My Ass

Yes!

You Guessed It:

FaceBook

Street Cred For Vid: Gus Johnson

J/K

Fuk U FB!

I Cancelled My Subscription.

Boo… Who?

WordPress,

Yer Next On My ‘Hit Parade

(Don’t Fret! I Love You Facebook!–Not!)

FaceBook Recently Got Fukked!

Mark Zuckerberg Says He Is Not a Lizard Person

I Had No Idea–

Guess I Need To Get Out More

Hoisted by Their Own Re-tard!

Petard

Hey! Facebook!?

Enjoy The Sound of Silence!

It’s Coming.

To an ISP Near You.

We’ve Had Enough of Your Bullshit!

LMFAO!

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Hush Hush Mark Fuck-You Berg!

Zuckerberg Has Suction-Cupped His FB Tentacles So Deep Into The American Morons — Not Y’all, Of Course– That He Is Becoming Dangerous–This College Drop-Out. I Got Nothing Aghast Drop-Outs–Since I are One. But This Asshole is a Moron.

Not Un-Like Bill Gates–I’ll Get To Him Next.

Stand By

Ah! The Wonderful Sound of Silence!

Love this guy!

I cannot find the original content creator to credit. Standby. I am still searching.

***

Love This Guy Too!

Cred: The Church of Fuck You

***

Hate This Guy!

Anyone see this asshole below, shoot on sight

Lance Marcom

Wanted for Murdering Sanity

Reward: Fifty Cents

Last Seen: Bar in Dubai

Circa 1887

Good Luck and Happy Hunting

***

Since I am a ‘film snob’ and arrogant, and an Asshole, and full of myself, I am going to hit you over the head with something which should be blatantly obvious about this image below:

“2001” ‘Obelisk

Or ‘Monolith’

I don’t get too hung up on semantics

Facebook has become so powerful that, for some people, having a Facebook account is more important than a driver’s license. But when you lose that account, there’s no recourse.

For Any Enquiring Minds Who Give-A-Shit:

I recently deleted My Face-Fuk Account of 12 Years.

Guess what happened next.

FaceBook sent a buxom Blond to Mi Casa.

Ostensibly to give me a blow-job.

(My Hope always springs eternal.)

But it did not take me long to figger out that all she wanted was for me to undelete my account.

I politely invited her to go fuck herself.

(She left in haste)

In a cloud of dust  and flying gravel.

“If I could just get off of that Facebook Freeway without gettin’ killed or caught

(Sorry JJ)

“Down the Road In A Cloud Of Smoke.”

Good Riddance!

“Landlords/Land-Ladies Always Bore Me”

(I went back to my neglected beer and we had a good time–spending some quality time together)

“Love’s a gift that’s truly handmade.”

–JJ Walker

***

Sadly

I see

Too much

Of me

In Steve

“Pack Up All Yer Dishes”

Street Cred: Steve Earle

OH My Goodness gRAY–CRa–OUS! GOd! This Is Stupid And Probably Self-In Criminal-I-Zatin’ Ating. Ex-Panda-X-PandeR-red: 0534hrs, 11/11/2021– s. “Sorry God… Perhaps Next Time. Naw!”

Please Revisit

Richard’s Lame-Ass Jeans Store,

Chapter Four

I added Some ‘I Love Lucy’ and ‘Speaker Sam’ Shit—

Bonham. LMFAO!

(And Lest I Forget: Ol’ Saint Nick)

No Jesu

RIP!

BTW I Always Hated

Bonham Texas

Just Sayin’

Gavin DeGraw – Fire:

*****

After my encounter with the Texas Highway Patrol,

Madelyn’s car and I limped into Bonham–Somewat spittin’ an’ a sputtterin’.

I was spittin’; the car was sputterin’…

(Madelyn was never worth-a-shit at maintaining her vehicle, or me, Her Ever- Loyal, Ever-Loving Brother…)

I drove through the ugliest Town Square in Texas and pulled into the alley behind Richard’s Jeans.

Bonham!

Gag Me!

What A Shit Hole!

The ONLY Saving Grace That Bonham Ever Had, or will Ever Have, is that Sam Rayburn Lived There

(and died there)

But He Wasn’t From There

He Was Born in Kingston, Tennessee

“Speaker Sam”

Sam Rayburn Library and Museum.

Bonham, Texas

*****

Parked the little Maddy Chariot, and ‘prayed’ it would crank when I was ready to depart.

Probably shoulda just left the engine running, but I ain’t all that smart.

Fished the key Madelyn had given me and walked around to the front door of the store.

Surveyed the square—weren’t no one there—was The Fourth of July, as I have said.

Let myself in.

Went back to the back door and let myself out.

Retrieved the lighter fluid from the car and went back inside.

I studied the layout of the store.

Several racks of jeans displayed in the middle of the establishment.

Perfect!

I douched two of them down with the lighter fluid.

Pulled out Maddy’s Zippo

Whoosh!

Beat feet out the back door.

Closed it behind me and then as an after-thought, I kicked it in.

Thinking I wanted this to look like arson.

Stupid decision on my part, looking back…

Anyhow, I jumped into The Lil Chariot.

Turned the ignition.

‘Clik clik clik!’

Shit!

Now, I was properly

FUCKED!

Stuck in the alley-way of a building I had just set to flame!

“Lucy, You got some Splainin’ to do!”

*******

Apparently, this was NEVER said in the Show–

This Revelation, Discovered so Late in My Life,

Has Ruined MY LIFE!

Street Cred for Vid: MoneyBags73

And YES!

I Searched All OVER The Internet!

Could NOT Find a Single Clip–Sound Nor Vid!

Shit!

What’s Next?

There Ain’t No Santa Claus??

Never Was?

And All That Wasted Postage I Mailed To a ‘Dead-Letter’ Box!

And Y’all Wonder Why Lance is an Atheist

********

I jumped out, popped the hood and, finding a piece of pipe lying on the ground, proceeded to beat the hell outta the starter. Slammed the hood.

Got back into the car and tried again.

She cranked right up!

I sped away in a cloud of dust and flying gravel.

Hoping Madelyn would love me so much more.

For Doing So Much More Than I Had Ever Done For Her Before

(If Y’all Don’t Read The Previous Chapters, None of This Will Make Any Sense–

Not That It Does Anyway…)

***

I LOVED

Madelyn

So Much!

To Be Continued…

*****

:

Chapter Two:

Chapter One:

*****

BONUS!

“Down The Road In A Cloud of SMOKE!”

JJ Walker

*****

“PISS OFF” PROFANITY! LOTS OF! Danger Will & Wilhelmina Robinson! May Be Offensive. OMG! I Had Forgotten About This One. (Some Lost Soul Recently Liked It) Now Expanded With Even MORE PISS!

Lenny Bruce – ‘Pissing In The Sink’ Bit (Rare, 1965)

Street Cred for Sharing Vid: Niall James Holohan Unofficial

*****

Some BITCH Neighbor

Not Timothy—who has not hit me up for a free beer in over a week Now—“Thank you, Tim”

Oh, and by the way:

I am NOT drinking for two.

Some Neighbor BITCH Came Pounding

On-MY-Door.

On MY FUCKIN’ Door!

I Thought No One Stupid Enough To Tempt Fate In This Way

“Why do you flush the toilet so much?” She asked.

Apparently she can hear my toilet flush through the wall and it disturbs her fucking concentration.

I just stared at Her

“Why do you Flush so much?” She asked again.

“I flush so much because I piss so much.

I Piss So Much Because I DRINK So Much.”

“Maybe You shouldn’t drink so much.”

Cred: rejectedburrito

“Fuck off and get outta my face before I am tempted to fucking do something stupid I may or may not regret. But for your benefit, from now on I will piss in the fucking sink. I’ll do that for you.

BECAUSE I RESPECT MY FUCKING NEIGHBORS”

She Ran Away

Screaming

Cannot Imagine Why

Fucking Coward.

Pretty sure there will be repercussions for my rude behavior and I will be forced to pay for my sins.

Guess how many fucks I give.

 Cred: #nofuckslefttogive

*****

Bonus Round:

Justin Case I Have Not Managed

To Piss (No Pun) You Off Enuff Yet:

“Christ and Moses, Come On Down”

Street Cred For Video: davesqueakywheels

*****

Jerry Jeff Walker Pissin’ In The Wind

(Not Great Quality, But Best I Can Muster At-This-Moment-In-Time)

Cred For Vid Share: XOkie

******

OH Goodness GOd! This Is Stupid And Probably Self-In Criminal-I-Zatin’ Ating. Ex-Panda-X-PandeR-red: 0534hrs, 11/11/2021– s. “Sorry God… Perhaps Next Time. Naw!”

Please Revisit

“Richard’s Lame-Ass Jeans Store, Chapter Four”

I added Some ‘I Love Lucy’ and ‘Speaker Sam’ Shit—

Bonham. LMFAO!

(And Lest I Forget: Ol’ Saint Nick) No Jesu

RIP!

BTW I Always Hated Bonham Texas

Just Sayin’

Gavin DeGraw – Fire:

*****

After my encounter with the Texas Highway Patrol,

Madelyn’s car and I limped into Bonham–Somewat spittin’ an’ a sputtterin’.

I was spittin’; the car was sputterin’…

(Madelyn was never worth-a-shit at maintaining her vehicle, or me, Her Ever- Loyal, Ever-Loving Brother…)

I drove through the ugliest Town Square in Texas and pulled into the alley behind Richard’s Jeans.

Bonham! Gag Me!

The ONLY Saving Grace That Bonham Ever Had, or will Ever Have, is that Sam Rayburn Lived There

(and died there)

But He Wasn’t From There

He Was Born in Kingston, Tennessee

“Speaker Sam”

Sam Rayburn Library and Museum.

Bonham, Texas

*****

Parked the little Maddy Chariot, and ‘prayed’ it would crank when I was ready to depart.

Probably shoulda just left the engine running, but I ain’t all that smart.

Fished the key Madelyn had given me and walked around to the front door of the store.

Surveyed the square—weren’t no one there—was The Fourth of July, as I have said.

Let myself in.

Went back to the back door and let myself out.

Retrieved the lighter fluid from the car and went back inside.

I studied the layout of the store.

Several racks of jeans displayed in the middle of the establishment.

Perfect!

I douched two of them down with the lighter fluid.

Pulled out Maddy’s Zippo

Whoosh!

Beat feet out the back door.

Closed it behind me and then as an after-thought, I kicked it in.

Thinking I wanted this to look like arson.

Stupid decision on my part, looking back…

Anyhow, I jumped into The Lil Chariot.

Turned the ignition.

‘Clik clik clik!’

Shit!

Now, I was properly

FUCKED!

Stuck in the alley-way of a building I had just set to flame!

“Lucy, You got some Splainin’ to do!”

*******

Apparently, this was NEVER said in the Show–

This Revelation, Discovered so Late in My Life,

Has Ruined MY LIFE!

Street Cred for Vid: MoneyBags73

And YES!

I Searched All OVER The Internet!

Could NOT Find a Single Clip–Sound Nor Vid!

Shit!

What’s Next?

There Ain’t No Santa Claus??

Never Was?

And All That Wasted Postage I Mailed To a ‘Dead-Letter’ Box!

And Y’all Wonder Why Lance is an Atheist

********

I jumped out, popped the hood and, finding a piece of pipe lying on the ground, proceeded to beat the hell outta the starter. Slammed the hood.

Got back into the car and tried again.

She cranked right up!

I sped away in a cloud of dust and flying gravel.

Hoping Madelyn would love me so much more.

For Doing So Much More Than I Had Ever Done For Her Before

(If Y’all Don’t Read The Previous Chapters, None of This Will Make Any Sense–

Not That It Does Anyway…)

***

To Be Continued…

*****

Chapter Three:

Chapter Two:

Chapter One:

*****

BONUS!

“Down The Road In A Cloud of SMOKE!”

JJ Walker

*****