“I Bought a Box of Tampons Today” or “How to Release Your ‘Inner-Macho’ in One Simple Step” (Pay Attention Boys; This One May Save Your Next Planned Fishin’ Trip)

Truly A Renaissance Man

Specifically, I purchased ‘Tampax Pearl’… “In the Blue & Green Box.”

Because THAT Was What SHE Required.

“Good luck. See ya when you get back. Be safe.”

Memphis, circa 2013

This was to be my quest, my only mission quest: to find those and only those specific tampons:

My Search for the…

Holy Grail of Feminine Hygiene Products!

(In the blue and green box? Are you fucking kidding me? I discovered Myriad tampons in blue & green boxes…)

In fact, an entire isle was dedicated to nothing but Tampons of various brands, all shapes and sizes and quantities and qualities.

Damn Near ALL of which were in blue and green boxes!

Welcome to The Tampon Jungle

Enjoy Your Stay

Fortunately, before embarking upon my Quest, I’d had the presence of mind, using my semi-smart phone, to capture an image of the now empty and defunct ‘pearls’ box.

Yep, I had fetched along a visual aid to guide me in my pursuit of the ‘keeping the little woman happy’ self-preservation project.

I’m real smart in this way.

I attribute this trait to my erstwhile Navy SEAL training:

***

Fun and Useful Fact Boys:

If your woman is really specific and passionate and matter-of-fact about something, it behooves you to set down your beer and pay close attention.

Don’t be bringin’ home no ‘Magic Beans’ Jack.

You’ll regret that.

***

Mission Accomplished. No apparent casualties.

Now Men, I know what some of you are thinking…

Won’t elaborate, as this is a ‘Family Friendly’ Blog Site.

But I will go even further on the box of The Pearl Tampons.

(‘In The Green Box’—there must be some metaphor to discover there.)

That Box O’Pearls was the only item in my shopping cart, naked those pearls were, all alone.

Ridin’ Solo in a big ol’ shoppin’ cart, just a-sittin’ there, revvin’ their engines..

All by their lonesome.

“I’m so lonesome I could cry”

Did I try to conceal  ‘em? Cover ‘em up with some dead red animal flesh, some pound or four of ground beef?

No.

Some Guns & Ammo mags?

No.

Three cases of beer?

No.

A chain saw from the lawn and garden department?

No.

Did I try to repeat the scene from “Summer of Forty Two” with the kid tryin’ to buy condoms? Askin’ for an ice cream cone, sprinkles, and almost every other small thing behind the counter, then…

”Oh, by the way, throw in some rubbers while you’re at it.”

No.

Naw.

Here is the reason:

I am Secure in My Masculinity.

I can purchase tampons for my woman while under the blinding glare of Super Market Lights from which nothing ever goes unnoticed.

No sweat.

No shame.

No fear.

No potential peril to my Manhood.

(I also listen to Joni Mitchell and Janis Ian and I cry at movies, some movies anyway. ‘RoboCop’ comes immediately to mind).

Point is, Guys Git Over It!

Go out and buy a box of tampons for your Lady.

And only a box of tampons.

(And only for your woman—if you don’t have a woman at this moment—just file this handy slice of advice away for future reference)

For the Rest of Y’all, I’ll leave you with this:

The Experience Shall Set You Free.

While simultaneously releasing your ‘Inner-Machismo-Mobility’

Trust me:

No one will dare fuck with a man packin’ tampons.

Credit: MDA Telethon

***

All in all, I’d pronounce this a favorable ‘Mission Outcome.’ No Casualties. Minimal Stress. Minimal Potential for PTSD.

Homeward Bound And Happy to Be Bearing The Spoils of War

Happy? Yes ‘Happy’

After all, with just one misstep, things could’ve gone horribly wrong in the Other Direction:

***

Some ‘Added Value’ just for Levity:

Street Cred for Vid: Shut Up! Cartoons

For A Moment

Y’all know I have a Fatal Character Flaw:
“Weakness For Redheads.”

Well,

“Better Red Than Dead.”

He said.

Oh! Cinnamon Girl!

Vid Cred: Redhead Express


Vid Cred: Europa Scythia

*Sequel to ‘Lady Projection’*

*****

For A Moment

She spoke through my window
Smile and hair still aglow
“Your poem made me cry”
Didn’t even ask her ‘why’

Maybe she’d been moved
Some little pain removed
Someone’s caring care
Had taken it to bear

For a moment

Or merely felt encouraged
Not to be discouraged
Or maybe just persuaded
To feel cautiously elated

Or maybe just contented
By thoughts I had presented
Or words that I had written
Had left her slightly smitten

For a moment

But suddenly I knew
None of it were true
Never could it be
She and me, me and she…

Red gave way to green
Had to leave the scene
The traffic left behind
Some sadness for my mind

Hard truth in the knowing
That simp-ally bestowing
A poem wrapped in money
Makes me anybody’s Honey

For a moment

******

Cinnamon Girl!

Oh Hell Yeah!

Old, geriatric rockers… Better than the shit we suffer thru today!

This MY Fantasy (Although True)

Do NOT trample on it!

Lady Rejection

She had done up her hair
I’d seen her standing there
In rain and in shine
Holding up her sign

Almost a living fixture
A living breathing mixture
Of bad luck and circumstance
Bad luck and no finance

But today her hair done neat
Defiantly to speak
With smile upon her face
“I am the Human Race!”

And I became aware
Almost enough to care
Yet caring was my daring

So damn the horns a’blaring

Her sign read ‘Single Mother…’
Her look not like the others
‘Single mother—Laid off work’
(By some inhuman jerk?)

She’d braved the heat
The dusty street
Suffered callous faces
Eyes diverted other places

But today her auburn hair
Was shining everywhere
Bright and done up right
To cancel out her plight

But who would see her showing
Who would look with knowing
The care that she had taken
To be shunned and thus forsaken

****

Not ‘Her,’ but a reasonable facsimile

****

Added Value
(Just To Accentuate my Point)

Vid Cred: Jan Hammer

***

Continued Here

Great Songs for a Rainy Day

“Here in Savannah  Memphis it’s pourin’ rain
“Palm trees in the porch light like slick black cellophane.

“Will you still love me when I get back to town?”

vid credit: Christian T. Davies

Not really melancholy, but if I were, this song just might push me further that way, in that direction.

Peace,

-Lance

Real sorry, but I am now officially delirious with tooth pain. This tooth is some kind of bitch, let me tell ya.

Obviously sleep is not an option.

(The pain is just too overwhelming)

So… I just sit here and post stupid shit to take my mind away.

“Calgone! Take me Away!’

“I am as constant as a Northern Star.”

Vid credit: novaultrano1

“Constantly in the darkness? Where’s that at? If you want me, I’ll be in the bar.”

I guess it’s just a Joni kind of day…

“Laughin’ an’ cryin’. You know it’s the same release.

“I told you when I met you, I was crazy.”

Vid credit: Christian T. Davies

OK, last one and then I’m done (I really need to find something else to do with my hands)

“Diving down to pick up on every shiny thing.”

Video credit: JoniJourney

“Fell in hate and called it love”

One of her BEST Below

A beautiful tribute to an American Icon: Amelia Mary Earhart

(And yes. I know there is A LOT more going on in this song. I am not stupid.)

“Like Icarus ascending
On beautiful foolish arms”

–Joni

One of my favorite Amelia quotes:

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act. The rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life and the procedure. The process is its own reward.”

Video Credit: sonicboy19

Bonus on “Hissing of Summer Lawns”
A great and respectful analysis

Vid Cred: For Most of the above: JoniJourney

(I am too lazy to Break it Down)

*****

Don’t let this Bring You Down. It is a Beautiful Song, Performed by a Beautifully Sensitive, Thoughtful Lady.

Street Cred for Vid: Leeshan

Ever Have One-of-Those-Days?

I am  speaking to those writers out there.

Hmmmmm

That is not a propitious beginning for this post.

Well, allow me to retort:

One of those days when you have so much shit colliding in your head, atom-like, trying to reach escape velocity?

This is my day.

I have (check ’em) all these wanna-be posts colliding:

1. He is an accident going somewhere to happen (just about a recent trip to Kroger’s)

2. Puddles in my beer (don’t ask)

3. Jim Morrison (Seriously do not ask)

4. Walk of Shame (again… don’t go there)

5. The kind and good and great and moral folks I live about here in East Memph (ask about this one) I love it.

Your votes will be tallied.

Now get on with it.

(sorry I could not make it easy; caint do the ‘poll thang’ you will just be forced to ‘comment’.)

But Hey! how hard is that?