Pity Party Alert! I Am A STUPID Idiot!

I Miss My English Woman!

So Marvelous Much!

Even Her English ‘Bitch-I-Ness.

She Could, at times, be such a cunt.

Other times, I loved her to tears

I loved her!

She even spoke a little Françoise

Was Texas So Fucking Important to me?

I suppose it was

God-Damn it!

What is WRONG WITH ME??

Searchin’ For A Rainbow That Existed No More:

Of all the monumental fuck-ups that define my life, This one reigns Supreme. Was The Most Momentous Fuck-Up Of Them All—Leaving her will go down in the back-street annals of my mind– My History Time. She was/is the only woman who was ever smarter than me.

I reeeely fucked up, leaving her!

My Helen of Troy

***

Here ya go Lance:

Wallow about in your self-Pity

You Asshole!

ConGrats!

You’re Back in Texas!

Hope it is All You Wished it to be!

You left her for a huge Piece of Dirt and a Nostalgic dream.

Guess What Asshole:

You Can Never Go Home Again

Just Goin’ To Texas for a Little while

Walking Around Bare-Foot’d On A Broken Wine-Glass Is Not A Pleasant Experience to Experience–Trust Me On This One Folks. I Know–From ‘Experience’

I Adore You Annie!

Best Line:

“I’m Livin’ In An Empty Room”

I Hear Ya Girl!

Yeah! I Crashed my Booze Glass

Had to draft it to be my spittoon

Shit Like This Happens.

A-Lot.

In this Mouse-House O’ Mine

So What?

It’s Not Unusual:

Tom Jones “It’s Not Unusual” (April 21, 1968)

On The Ed Sullivan Show:

***

Wine Glass Broke All To Bits an’ Pieces.

Wine Shards All Over My Floor…

Shatter’d

All Over-The Floor

Now

I Must Drink

Directly Outta The Bottle

Even Mo’ Bettah!I

Actually Prefer This Way

(Cuts Our the Middle-Man)

****

Did This Prevent Me From Walkin’ All Over it?

Naw!

I Enjoy To Bleed

It’s Cathartic

Fly Me to the Moon. Sleepy after five minutes. Falling Asleep in my Chair. Stream of Un-Conscientiousness

Falling into that world that is, yet not is…

That Nether World,

Which Doesn’t Exist,

Save Only In-My-Dreams

And for Any of Y’all Who wish to ‘Edit’ Me:

To My Fallow Writer

In-Sane ‘O-Tics:

Just Don’t.

Do Not attempt to Edit the Insane.

That could only end Badly.

***

Fly Me

‘Ole Blue Eyes

Cred: Frankie… Duh

***

***

I am a moron.

Just how I roll.

Ninety-Nine Percent of my Best Prose Never sees the Light of My… My… My Computer.

It just floats about in my head.

Lost in That Somnambulistic State of Glorious Oblivious Glee…

Gee!

When I am lying to me in me bed, I ‘write’ some very, very, Very Great Shite.

Alas, It don’t make it to the transmission point.

Once awake, It is Gone.

Forever.

Note to self: Keep a pen an’ pad next to Your Bed.-Instead

***

Some of my Best Posts languish away in my nether sleep

Alas

***

Golden Slumbers

“You Never Give Me Your Money, Only Your Situation”

Cred for Vid: el perro beatle

***

Note to Land-Lady:

The Money is Coming

On Monday

Yes! I Am A Moron! Please Read This Up-Dated, Un-Varnished Post.

I Have Expended An Inordinate Amount Of My Life Floating About In The South Pacific. Dutifully Trying To Protect Your Way-of-Life. I LOVE My U.S. NAVY!

And P.S. I Love You ‘Auto-Likers’–

What Would I Ever Do Without You?

I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair

Cred For Share: Rodgers & Hammerstein

 

South Pacific-Bali Hai:

Cred For Vid Share: Currywurscht

You’ve Got To Be Carefully Taught” – SOUTH PACIFIC

Please Read It

I’m Stuck On A Thing On A Thing Called “Hope”

I Poured My Heart Into ‘Building’ It (This Was Not The Out-Come I Required/Nor Desired)

“Part Six of A Sailor’s Scholarly History of the South Pacific:

Mary-Lou and Mama-San and Gainful Unemployment”

Sorry for my profanity: I am a sailor after all)”

Bloody Mary

Fun Little Known Fact:

Most of the Actors in this Scene Are Gay

Hahahahah!

“What ain’t we got? We Ain’t Got Dames.”

I love this movie.

I have spent far too much of my life in the South Pacific.

Cred: Rodgers & Hammerstein

Here is how Bar Fines are designed to work in Olongapo:

  1. You pay the girl’s bar fine to the Mama San
  2. You get a receipt.
  3. You take your ‘rental’ to your room.
  4. You fuck her.
  5. Sometimes you feed her first.
  6. Thusly sated, satisfied, you cast her away.

Here is how bar fines are not designed to work:

  1. You do NOT Lose it. (Your receipt)
  2. You broke it; you bought it.
  3. You hand over your receipt to your rental so she can leave you.

Well, that is the short version.

The thing is, in Olongapo, Bar Girls walking about on Magsaysay Blvd, alone, without a bar fine receipt are considered in the eyes of the law to be ‘common’ street walkers. And subject to arrest.

And thrown under the jail.

For months.

So what was the very first thing I did with Mary-Lou Perucho?

I handed over my Bar Fine Receipt.

“Here ya go Darling. Put this in your pocket. Don’t lose it. Now shall we go to my hotel?”

“Sure.” She said nervously.

So we went to my cheap hotel. I had no intention of having sex with her. I was just lonely as I have mentioned. I just wanted to talk with her. Get to know her (not in that biblical sense—in that humane sense—I was lonely and she reminded me of an old High School sweetheart…)

I had been drinking (duh), so I excused myself after I had parked her in front of the television. I went to the head, took a piss. Came back. She was gone.

She had left me.

Guess she thought I was gonna try to fuck her.

( I had no such intentions)

But who could blame her for leaving?

I weighed in at two-hundred pounds and change.

She was, soaking wet, about ninety eight.

If I had fucked her, I might have broken her.

But apparently caution  being the better part of smart told her to bug out.

And I had given her, her pass:

The Bar Fine Receipt.

It made me sad that I had not expressed well enough my benevolent propensity.

Of course, like the asshole I was, I went back to Viva Young the next afternoon and complained to Mama San. I wanted my money back. My rental had left me.

Mama San was not amused, but in the spirit of good customer service, she fired Mary Lou.

This was NOT the outcome I desired.

So now was I not just an asshole, but a stellar asshole.

I would have to search out Mary Lou and attempt to make things right.

All I truly wanted was a pretty girl to lay down beside me and hold my hand and listen to my stories…

And keep me company.

And pretend as if she cared.

Just pretend.

I’ll pay you.

After we pulled out of Olongapo, I sent her money every month for a lot of months. When we eventually returned to Ologapo after some months I looked her up and gave her a bunch of gifts I had purchased with her in my mind in Hong Kong. She really was not impressed. Hurt my feelings.

Linda is so beautiful.

To Be Continued

Part Five Maybe? May Be Discovered Here:

I Still Regret My Stupid Folly And Missed Opportunity… Janis Ian Recently Handed My Ass To Me. Why-Must-I-Always-Be-Such-A-Moronic Schmuck??

Any, even casual readers, would know, should know, how I love, respect, and admire Janis Ian.

First time I heard her, I was in the Sinai Desert. Her Music Moved Me Then, And Still does today

I said, “Do you wish me dead?”

Lip service to books you’ve read

Articles on how to bed a bird in flight

You called it love

I called it greed

You say, “You take what you want”

I said, “You get what you need”

Go on, be a hero, be a man

Make your own destiny if you can

Go find a fence

Locate a shell

And hide yourself, go on, go to hell!

Go away from me

I need no charity

Janis Ian handed my ass to me.

I deserved this.

(Because I am an asshole but had temporarily misplaced my ass.)

Janis returned it to me with not-so-well wishes.

I should have learned the truth at seventeen. But I didn’t. I am still studying and yet I remain optimistic for the future. Someday I just may become a real gentle…man

***

Janis Ian Message to me (on Facebook):

“Lance Marcom uh… I have no idea why you took off at me like that. I said people could share because inevitably, people post on threads asking if they can share. And I’m sorry if you were “triggered ” by my offer, but if offering the option to share some thoughts written by a very dear friend of mine – who by the way is not having a great year, and certainly has more urgent things to do with his time than the way you just spent yours – caused your upset… well then, take your triggered self somewhere else. If you’re that big a “fan”, you’d know how little I think of people who use “triggered ” as an excuse, or profanity as an attempt at English.

As to telling you to “fuck off” years ago, apparently I didn’t make myself clear enough at the time, though as you admit, I didn’t say that. However, your over the top responses and insults to everyone who responded show your self-pitying true self.

Apologies mean nothing if you’ve understood nothing, Lance. Apologies mean nothing if you’ve learned nothing. And it really is time for you to take your very sensitive triggered self and work on fixing your life, instead of interfering with mine.”

***

 (After reading her proper ‘dress-down’, I retired to my “stupid corner” opened a can of worms and ate all of them–in shame)

“When payment due exceeds accounts received.”

I will always love you Janis.

You are a beautiful, brilliant, brilliant songwriter and performer.

******

“Don’t spoil it all; I can’t recall a time when you were struck without an answer.”

–Janis

“And For a dime I can talk to God.”

Dial a Prayer…

Are You There?

Do You Care?

Are You There?”

–Janis

I am Re-Posting This For The Benefit of a Like-Minded Fellow Blogger–I Hope She Sees it.

“The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Sold” With My Humble (cough cough) Opinion

Joni Love Letter Thrown in at the End.

Tread Softly. And I’m sorry the text don’t line up properly with the images. WordPress is Stupid. I cannot fix stupid.

(Most likely offensive to ‘People of Faith’–read at your own annoyance) 

****

The Greatest Story Ever Told (If told at Woodstock)

(And seriously Y’all, y’all need to watch the video First)

But before we go there enter:

This Post Will PISS some people Off (IF I am doing my job)

However I do NOT want to Piss Anyone Off (Not my job)

Ambiguous? Yeah!

So, therefore, and furthermore, and forevermore: I put below the ‘continue reading’ button.

And don’t shoot me: I just play piano here… on Tuesdays… and for milk money… for the kids.

The video is germane. Watch it.

Cheers, Peace, Blessings, Love and Happiness & Joy (and I do mean all of that shit. Sincerely. Hey by the way, Anyone seen Joy? She was just here a minute ago…)

Cast of Characters:

Mary, Mother Mary, Virgin Mary, Mother of All Inventions.

Woodstock_Mary

Joseph, Joe, Just Plain Joe, Cuckold, Erstwhile Surrogate Father of Jesus.

Woodstock_Joeseph

Ya gotta love Joe. Ya just gotta.

Baby Jesus, aka Baby Hey Zeus, aka, Christmas… Pre-sents

Woodstock_Baby_Jesus

Not even gonna comment on this one, but, be my guest.

Woodstock_Saint_Peter

Saint Peter

Woodstock_Young_Jesus_Struggling_Musician

Jesus Playing with the Mothers of Immaculate Conception, circa 0014 AD

Jesus grew up; tried to make a living, Playing Gigs.

But then…

Father told him to hang a right at Albequerky: Go to Max Yasgur’s farm in Bethel; see the people they will love your act. (He said)

Jesus_Arrives_1

You Really Didn’t Believe That “Rode Into Town on an Ass” bit did you?

“Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his TV show? Fuck Yeah!”

No! Seriously,”

“Check it out”

Jesus_Arrives_2

“I’m There Dude!”

falwell

Brother Failwell

Then Dad said, “Go Preach Your Ass Off!

Woodstock_Sermon_On_The_Mount

Sermon on The Mount

(Chip off The Old Block)

And Jesus Said, “We’re there Dude! Just look at ‘em!”

Woodstock_Flock

Case Rested

Woodstock_Decided

Yay! Jesus!

“They’re eatin’ this shit up!
Hey! Judas! Come check this out!

Woodstock_Judas

Judas: Enema needing to Happen. “Nothing to see here; move along…”

Mary Mag! You too! (C’mere Baby!)”

“Sorry Dude. Busy. Get back to me, Yeah? Laters…BFF!”

“But Mary!? You carry… My Mom’s name! And now you tarry? Don’t make no sense!”

Woodstock_Mary_Mag2
“Ah shit!
Here come those Romanians Again! Don’t these people ever give up? Gotta go!”

Woodstock_The_Romans

I love the smell of burnt Jesus in the morning

“As God as My Wit-less-ness, I shall never be hungry again! (As long as I have these radishes)”

Last Supper

Last Toke, I mean Last Munchies

Woodstock_Last_Supper

Joe! Go Pick some Radishes. Jesus is hungry. And stop smokin’ that shit!

I did not put in The Crucifixion/Resurrection, (mainly because I don’t believe that shit and also because I could not find an example in the show) and also, mainly because at

Woodstock… drum roll please:

nobody had to die to save me.

It’s OK Jesus: I’m doin’ fine, but Thank You for askin’.

And Thank YOU to anyone who has travell’d this far with me.

Cheers,
Lance

 

Added Value: George Carlin vs. Religious Douchebag

In The Bullshit Department…

***

Bonus

Just for Fun:

CSN & Young

JONI!

Woodstock

She Wrote it

Didn’t ‘Physically’ live it

But as much as anybody

Embodied it

Duh

***

I can count on one hand and one toe

All the ways I can be made to be pissed off

I will not list all six

But

Know this:

At the top

Is

Being disrespectful

To

Joni

Do Not Go

There

Trust me

You will not like me

I will

Hurt

You