Better Watch Out for That Gravity Storm! Or… ‘Be Yet Still My Beating Heart’ And Yes! Yes! I Know! I Need To Seek Council. (Bin There–Did That! It Didn’t Take–Smallish *Sigh*)

Gravity Storm!

It Don’t Give No Warnin’ Sign!

What Has Happened Here?

No Warnin’ Sign!

Never Is

Jimmy Buff-Aye!

*****

My

‘So-Called’

Life!

No Secret How I LOVE Claire Danes!

Ed Note:

This Post...

Is All Convoluted

And Fukk’rd Up

Time-Line–Wise

I May Endeavor To ‘Fix it’ Later

But Don’t Hold Y’re Breath!

Fore I am, After-All,

A Lazy-Faire Son-Uvva-Bitch

*****

Stay Tuned

Or Not!

*****

Bonus:

“I Found My Self,

Face-Down On A Barroom Floor

Crying “My God! What Have They Done To Me?!”

“Back-Sider’s Wine”

JJ Walker

The Greatest Bull-Shit Story Ever Sold (I’m Just Gettin’ Warmed Up For Easter) With ‘Sin’ Seared Apologies To Any ‘Readers-of-Faith’ I May Have Left. This Is Mainly ‘Tongue-In-Cheek’–And Humor. Shalom Y’all!

When I was a wee chile, tryin’ to survive in Fremont CA, Mother dragged me to theater, to screen “The Greatest Story Ever Told.”

I was NOT properly impressed.

Fu*k u Mom! Just Kiddin’!! I LOVED My Mother–Very Dearly–And As Previously Reported: My Mother Was The Original ‘Hippy-Chick’– She called herself a “Christian” But In Reality, She was an Atheist. Precisely why I Loved my Mother; I was an atheist, since I was first born, or hatched, Your choice.

The Greatest Story Ever Told (If told at Woodstock)

(And seriously Y’all, y’all need to watch the video First)

But before we go there enter:

This Post Will PISS some people Off (IF I am doing my job)

However I do NOT want to Piss Anyone Off (Not my job)

Ambiguous? Yeah!

So, therefore, and furthermore, and forevermore: I put below the ‘continue reading’ button.

And don’t shoot me: I just play piano here… on Tuesdays… and for milk money… for the kids.

Click at your own risk.

Cheers, Peace, Blessings, Love and Happiness & Joy (and I do mean all of that shit. Sincerely. Hey by the way, Anyone seen Joy? She was just here a minute ago…)

Continue reading

I am Re-Posting This For The Benefit of a Like-Minded Fellow Blogger–I Hope She Sees it.

Only A Reminder That You’re Just Not Good Enough

“The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Sold” With My Humble (cough cough) Opinion

Joni Love Letter Thrown in at the End.

Tread Softly. And I’m sorry the text don’t line up properly with the images. WordPress is Stupid. I cannot fix stupid.

(Most likely offensive to ‘People of Faith’–read at your own annoyance) 

****

The Greatest Story Ever Told (If told at Woodstock)

(And seriously Y’all, y’all need to watch the video First)

But before we go there enter:

This Post Will PISS some people Off (IF I am doing my job)

However I do NOT want to Piss Anyone Off (Not my job)

Ambiguous? Yeah!

So, therefore, and furthermore, and forevermore: I put below the ‘continue reading’ button.

And don’t shoot me: I just play piano here… on Tuesdays… and for milk money… for the kids.

The video is germane. Watch it.

Cheers, Peace, Blessings, Love and Happiness & Joy (and I do mean all of that shit. Sincerely. Hey by the way, Anyone seen Joy? She was just here a minute ago…)

Cast of Characters:

Mary, Mother Mary, Virgin Mary, Mother of All Inventions.

Woodstock_Mary

Joseph, Joe, Just Plain Joe, Cuckold, Erstwhile Surrogate Father of Jesus.

Woodstock_Joeseph

Ya gotta love Joe. Ya just gotta.

Baby Jesus, aka Baby Hey Zeus, aka, Christmas… Pre-sents

Woodstock_Baby_Jesus

Not even gonna comment on this one, but, be my guest.

Woodstock_Saint_Peter

Saint Peter

Woodstock_Young_Jesus_Struggling_Musician

Jesus Playing with the Mothers of Immaculate Conception, circa 0014 AD

Jesus grew up; tried to make a living, Playing Gigs.

But then…

Father told him to hang a right at Albequerky: Go to Max Yasgur’s farm in Bethel; see the people they will love your act. (He said)

Jesus_Arrives_1

You Really Didn’t Believe That “Rode Into Town on an Ass” bit did you?

“Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his TV show? Fuck Yeah!”

No! Seriously,”

“Check it out”

Jesus_Arrives_2

“I’m There Dude!”

falwell

Brother Failwell

Then Dad said, “Go Preach Your Ass Off!

Woodstock_Sermon_On_The_Mount

Sermon on The Mount

(Chip off The Old Block)

And Jesus Said, “We’re there Dude! Just look at ‘em!”

Woodstock_Flock

Case Rested

Woodstock_Decided

Yay! Jesus!

“They’re eatin’ this shit up!
Hey! Judas! Come check this out!

Woodstock_Judas

Judas: Enema needing to Happen. “Nothing to see here; move along…”

Mary Mag! You too! (C’mere Baby!)”

“Sorry Dude. Busy. Get back to me, Yeah? Laters…BFF!”

“But Mary!? You carry… My Mom’s name! And now you tarry? Don’t make no sense!”

Woodstock_Mary_Mag2
“Ah shit!
Here come those Romanians Again! Don’t these people ever give up? Gotta go!”

Woodstock_The_Romans

I love the smell of burnt Jesus in the morning

“As God as My Wit-less-ness, I shall never be hungry again! (As long as I have these radishes)”

Last Supper

Last Toke, I mean Last Munchies

Woodstock_Last_Supper

Joe! Go Pick some Radishes. Jesus is hungry. And stop smokin’ that shit!

I did not put in The Crucifixion/Resurrection, (mainly because I don’t believe that shit and also because I could not find an example in the show) and also, mainly because at

Woodstock… drum roll please:

nobody had to die to save me.

It’s OK Jesus: I’m doin’ fine, but Thank You for askin’.

And Thank YOU to anyone who has travell’d this far with me.

Cheers,
Lance

 

Added Value: George Carlin vs. Religious Douchebag

In The Bullshit Department…

***

Bonus

Just for Fun:

CSN & Young

JONI!

Woodstock

She Wrote it

Didn’t ‘Physically’ live it

But as much as anybody

Embodied it

Duh

***

I can count on one hand and one toe

All the ways I can be made to be pissed off

I will not list all six

But

Know this:

At the top

Is

Being disrespectful

To

Joni

Do Not Go

There

Trust me

You will not like me

I will

Hurt

You

What-The-Ever-Lovin’-Fuk Has Exactly Happened Here? Honestly, I Cannot Make This Shit Up. This Is My So-Called Life.

And I Can’t Write For Shite! Punctuation is Just An Afterthought.

Oh Fuck This Post!

It Ain’t about Shit!

And Not Worth a Cup of Warm Spit

I am Over and Done With It!

This Post’s Time – Line is all outta sink.

(and ink)

Ya know what?

Take all the money in the bank;

I think I’ll Just stay here and ‘drank!’Merle Haggard!

You California-Transplanted Okie-Bastard–Ex-Con–

I Love You MORE Than Cash….

Money!

I hate writing!!

It’s a Pain in my ass!

TMI: I’ve had enema experiences that were more enjoyable than trying to write.

****

What Happened?

I Just took a short nap.

Then, Guess what?

I Have No Earthly Clue

Do You?

Oh, I Know.

Lance Happened

It’s The End Of My World As I Knew it,

But I Feel Fine!

Bye Bye Cruel World

***

What is Wrong With This Picture?

***

I Guess TV Dinners Are In My Immediate And Fore-seeable Future Future.

ZZ SpeakTo Me!

I May Need This Someday.

Probably Good to Keep it Handy

Emails From Afghanistan: My Boss, aka: ‘That Guy I Wouldn’t Want Running An Elevator For Me’

Yet another email I dispatched from Camp Dwyer, 2012:

***********

Around 1730hrs a truck pulls up outside my office at LSA 2. I didn’t see who was in the truck, but I figured I was about to have a visitor. (I’m really smart that way) After the truck had been literally blocking my door for about five minutes, Mike Smith (My Manager. The BBB: Billeting BIG BOSS) walks in holding up a pack of L&M cigarettes. Now remember, I have not seen this guy for the day-and-a-half he has been “back” on Dwyer.

“Anyone in here smoke these?” were the first words out of his mouth.
I look up from my personal emails and say, “Dunno. Lashonda smokes, but afraid I don’t know her brand.” (She was out of the office, actually smoking at this time)

“Well, I wish whoever is smoking these would stop doing it on the bench.” (There’s a bench just outside my office door and it sits in a ‘No-Smoking’ area.)

“Sorry Mike; not on ‘bench patrol duty’ today. Could’ve been anybody; probably a Marine with a rifle or a Jordanian with a goat. Did you trek all the way across this burning desert to tell me this? Or do you have some business here? Oh and welcome back by the way.” (Saturated sarcasm, I’m afraid.)

“Uh, no… You do realize we have a serious situation on our hands in Billeting?” (Well, duh. You’re the schmuck who has been gone, not me). I just gave him my best *You’re fucking kidding me, right? Lance, peering-over-his-glasses look.*

Are You Kidding Me

He continues, struggling now to maintain his Authority Voice, “Uh, of course you know everyone is gonna have to ‘get on board’ with all this new responsibility.”

I continue *Lance-looking* him.

Continue reading

Pity Party Alert! I Am A STUPID Idiot!

I Miss My English Woman!

So Marvelous Much!

Even Her English ‘Bitch-I-Ness.

She Could, at times, be such a cunt.

Other times, I loved her to tears

I loved her!

She even spoke a little Françoise

Was Texas So Fucking Important to me?

I suppose it was

God-Damn it!

What is WRONG WITH ME??

Searchin’ For A Rainbow That Existed No More:

Of all the monumental fuck-ups that define my life, This one reigns Supreme. Was The Most Momentous Fuck-Up Of Them All—Leaving her will go down in the back-street annals of my mind– My History Time. She was/is the only woman who was ever smarter than me.

I reeeely fucked up, leaving her!

My Helen of Troy

***

Here ya go Lance:

Wallow about in your self-Pity

You Asshole!

ConGrats!

You’re Back in Texas!

Hope it is All You Wished it to be!

You left her for a huge Piece of Dirt and a Nostalgic dream.

Guess What Asshole:

You Can Never Go Home Again

Just Goin’ To Texas for a Little while