“The Reports Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.” –Mark Twain (And Now Shamelessly Stolen By Lance Marcom)
Unknown Brain – Dead (ft. KAZHI)
Laughing My Fu^king Ass Off!
This is a True, Recent Story: Not Something From ‘The Archives.’
No Names Have Been Changed To Protect Innocents
(Because I Don’t Know Any)
It was recently brought to my attention that there is a rumor making the circuit in My Home Town of Honey Grove:
“Lance Marcom Was Found to be Dead.”
(Not sure where or why or how they found me, but those would just be superfluous details—no need for them—not in a small Texas Town)
And ‘THOSE‘ would (most likely) just be Tales Told By Idiots, Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing
Of course this made me laugh hysterically—and also made my day—no such thing as ‘bad press’ for a wanna-be fledgling writer.
So, ‘Thank-You-Very-Mucho-Much’ to whoever started this story.
While I was still laughing my ass off on the phone with my very good old friend who had brought this News to me, a brilliant idea began to gestate in my mind:
“Hey Johnny! Let’s run with this. You tell everyone that you have confirmed the veracity of this report. Then you set up a GoFundMe page for the Funeral Expenses—Should Fly—My Poverty is Well-Documented.
We’ll split the ‘Charitable’ Proceeds 50/50.”
(I have always had a bit of larceny in my bones and in my genes and in my heart)
“I’m on it.” said Johnny, “But do you honestly think anyone gives a shit about “Lance Marcom?”
“Print Up some Flyers; scatter them around in Ladonia–the ‘Marcom Name’ still carries a bit of weight there, Because of My Grandfather.
You know of him. He was the Town Doctor who would accept chickens, or pigs, or heifers, in lieu of money. He was loved and belov’d.”
I detected a ‘smirk’ (Remotely–on my Smart-Phone) crawling all-over-the-face of my Friend at the mention of ‘Heifers.’
“Johnny, they were ‘four-legg’d heifers–that’s all.’ My Grandfather Marcom was a Fucking Methodist!
And Allow me to reiterate.
I’ve been riding fare-free and care-free on his ‘Fame-Train’ all my life. “
Plan Incubated and Hatched—Now for the execution of same—no Pun
As an aside, if the Police Do Get Involved, The Numero-Uno Prime Suspect Will Be Guess Who?
“I’m not dead. I feel fine. Think I’ll go for a walk…”