Wal*Mart: The End of Western Civilization (And Bane of Vegetarians)

In the late Nineties my small Texas university town was ‘blessed’ with a brand new Super Wal*Mart. I don’t really like Wal*Mart, but the grand opening was kinda a…

“Big Hairy Deal”

(not a lot of opportunity for excitement in my little town)

GRAND OPENING! ALL WELCOME!

(Except Vegetarians)

Anyway, I just had to go.

Back then I was a vegetarian and was interested to see if Wal*Mart had decent produce and perhaps at a bit cheaper than the only other grocery store in town, a Brookshire’s.

(I was loyal to Brookshire’s and even had one of those ‘Cards’ to prove it, but I was a paycheck-to-paycheck’ kind of dude you see. So there was that.)

Besides, I was always a bit of a slut anyhow.

Turns out they did have decent produce and cheaper too, so I filled my buggy with quite a few fresh fruits and vegetables.

I was very excited.

Got to the checkout and the surly cashier:

I knew instantly she was ‘surly’ when she took a look at my cart and grimaced. She picked up a zucchini and pointed it at me just as I imagine she would a .45 cal. pistol.

 “What is This?” she demanded.

“Zucchini,” I said, trying to be polite about it.

There were no little stickers on the veggies in those days. The cashiers had a rolodex type thing with photos to help them identify ‘foreign fruits and vegetables’.

She picked up a… wait for it… turnip. “And what’s this?”

“Turnip.”

Turnip-Truck: Just Fell Off

I grew nervous when she grabbed a bunch of kale.

“Lettuce?”

“Nope. Sorry. ‘Kale’,” I replied almost apologetically.

At this point I could literally see the frustration (and anger) building.

 “Well look Sir, you know I ain’t from around here. I’m from Oklah-homa and I don’t know Yawl’s local vegetables,” she informed me rather pointedly.

She hefted a cantaloupe, “And this?”

“Oh, that’s an egg.” I said.

She almost yelled, “This ain’t no egg! It’s too big.”

“It’s a dinosaur egg.”

I don’t think she was amused.

She dropped ‘the egg’ back into my cart with a loud ‘thunk’, picked up the receiver on her phone, pushed a button and blasted throughout the store,

“Manager to Checkout Six! Manager to Checkout Six!”

It was all I could do to keep from falling down on the floor laughing my ass off. I thought about running away, but then I would miss all the fun, so I just waited for ‘Management’ to appear.

***

Didn’t take long.

Mister Manager-Man arrived, took one look at MS Cashier and quickly assessed the situation.

“Uh, Mendy, why don’t you go ahead and take your break now. I’ll take over here until you get back.”

Mendy snorted and huffed as she exited stage left.

For the sake of the remaining Walmart Patrons, I hoped Mendy would manage to Mend her attitude a bit while sucking down Dr. Pepper and Hot-Boxing Marlboros during her break.

“Sorry Sir. She’s still in training.”

I’m guessing this weren’t Manager-Man’s first rodeo, vis-à-vis MS Mendy.

He quickly and efficiently rang up the rest of my purchases, took my money and said,

“Thank you for shopping at Your Walmart Super Center.”

“No offense Sir, but not sure if I’m ready to claim ownership just yet. Let me get back to you on that.”

He laughed.

I laughed.

We shared a laugh.

And I pronounced my ‘Walmart Experience’ a pleasantly entertaining one.

And left with all my ‘exotic foreign’ produce items.

Mission Accomplished.

***

True Story.

Gotta love Wal*Mart. (and Oklahoma)

Just Kidding All My Okie Neighbors!

(But Y’all know how it is between Texas an’ Oklahoma!)

***

It has come to my attention that there may be some among you who doubt the veracity of my prose.

In the spirit of full-disclosure I am introducing a New Feature to Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics:

Ladies and Gentlemen

I proudly present to you

“The TT&H Veracity Breakdown Report O’ Meter”

In the form of an Easy-as-Pie-To-Understand…

Pie Chart

TT&H All Rights Reserved

***  

Just when Y’all thought there was hope for my sanity…

Sorry.

The Devil Went Down To Walmart…

 (*Explicit)

Street Cred for Vid:  Nomadic Fanatic

***

Comments from original post below.

Some are pricelessly funny.

23 THOUGHTS ON “WAL*MART: THE END OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION (AND VEGETARIANS)”

LAMarcom June 28, 2014 at 17:32 Edit

‘pomegranate’ Hahahah

Didn’t some Greek chick get in trouble waaaay back in the day for eating pomegranate seeds?

I wasn’t actually there, but I didn’t miss it by much. (Yeah, I am THAT old!)

Hahahah

Thanks again for your visits and your great comments here at TT&H

😉

LVital7019 June 28, 2014 at 12:11 Edit

Like it’s YOUR fault she can’t recognize UNIVERSALLY COMMON produce like a zucchini or a friggin turnip! God forbid you handed her a pomegranate… Her eyes might have rolled back into her skull.

lauramacky June 27, 2014 at 00:50 Edit

Lol

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:45 Edit

😉

rachelcarrera June 26, 2014 at 23:39 Edit

LOL! Exactly! 😀

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:26 Edit

If you catch me in a Wal*Mart, just know that the Cold War is back on.

All I’m sayin’

Hahahaha

rachelcarrera June 26, 2014 at 23:25 Edit

LOL! Don’t you just love when you smile out loud? 🙂 Yeah, Walmart definitely attracts a certain caliber of clientele. At least here in Florida. I try to stick to the grocery store and Target and only use Walmart for emergencies after the regular stores are closed. 🙂

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:25 Edit

Yeah, I went from Walmart to Iraq.

Iraq was bettah…

😉

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:17 Edit

I wanna write a book about some of my Wal*Mart experiences.

Laughin’ out loud!

Thanks for your visit and your comments.

Made me laugh and smile too. (out loud)

Cheers,

Lance

rachelcarrera June 26, 2014 at 23:14 Edit

LOL! That’s funny! I don’t know a lot of veggies either because I’m allergic to so many, so I don’t eat a lot of variety…However, I DO know enough to know to apologize and explain that and not just make the excuse that it’s local to your state! That’s really sad! LOL! (AND no I won’t ever eat ANY produce from Walmart either!)

lauramacky June 26, 2014 at 18:08 Edit

You’re welcome Lance. Glad you’ve moved on from Wally World, lol.

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 17:03 Edit

Don’t you just hate it when the best comeback lines come to you too late? I know I do. Yeah, your response would have been priceless.

Hahahah

Thanks Sandra!

Sandra June 26, 2014 at 17:01 Edit

Awesome! My 1st job was at McDonalds where a customer actually asked me what was in a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit. Wish I had said, “lobster, of course.” Some people. I tell ya!

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:53 Edit

Looking for white carrots. Too fuckin’ funny!

Thanks for the laugh My Friend.

Cheers,

-Lance

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:52 Edit

The whole ‘Wal-Mart Experience’ always cracks me up.

Thanks Sharon for your comments and for the read.

🙂

-Lance

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:51 Edit

It really was a bizarre (and true) experience. I had to laugh (to myself).

Thanks Sadie!

🙂

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:49 Edit

I actually had a part-time job at that very same Wal-Mart a few years after it had opened. I HATED it. I was just helping out during the run up to Christmas assembling bicycles. Wal-Mart’s are weird places to work, let me tell ya.

Thanks for the read and the comments Laura.

Cheers,

Lance

lauramacky June 26, 2014 at 11:02 Edit

I cannot STAND Wally World! That’s what I call it. Forutnately there is not one for MILES from where I live lol. I refuse to step inside. My husband occasionally goes there….I let him have his fun. I’ll go to Whole Foods instead. haha

~ Sadie ~ June 26, 2014 at 09:49 Edit

CTFU here!!!! 😉 Seriously, didn’t know what a cantaloupe was . . . especially from that part of the country . . . great post, Lance!!!

sharoncummings June 26, 2014 at 07:25 Edit

That is hilarious! I was a vegetarian for 5 years myself….vegan for 2 and even a raw foodist! I only made it 6 months on the raw…LOL I have been eating meat again for the past 12 years, but I still eat a ton of veggies and I totally get this…it still happens. Who doesn’t know what a zucchini is? ha ha

happierheathen June 26, 2014 at 02:29 Edit

We get something like that here when the local grocer has things the checkers don’t know. The first time around it was a parsnip and the checker got frustrated because there were no “white carrots” in her handy dandy list. The woman was just about 60 years old and a native in these here agricultural parts, too.

Just so it’s said: Fuck Wal-Mart! 😀

LAMarcom June 25, 2014 at 23:09 Edit

Annie,

If I had thrown a Big Mac, Large Fries, a Whopper, and some Jim Jims out there, she would have done just fine. My bad.

Hahahah

Thanks for reading.

Lancer

Mad Annie, Bronwyn, Ann June 25, 2014 at 23:04 Edit

I HAVE been known to laugh at teen trainees when they didn’t know common fruits or veg. Told them they needed to start eating healthier.

I’m The Reason God Made Oklahoma

When I was fourteen or fifteen and living in NE Texas, ‘Famine’ County to be more precise, I used to frequently cross the border. Not Mesico. No, Oklahoma. Yep. Go figger.

You see, back-in-the-day (Early Seventies), the drinking age got lowered to 18, mainly because it just was not fitting for a boy to go to Vietnam and not even be able to buy a beer ere he got there. Time enough for that once he got there, but you see, it became a matter of principle.

Well, my ‘group’ took advantage of that. You see, it was very difficult to tell a teenager’s age: I mean,

“How do you know he ain’t eighteen? He looks twelve, but hell! Ok, serve it up.”

And even better: In Oklahoma, well, they just did not give a shit. If you had money and could reach the bar, well, there you go.

OK, enough preamble and background. Early one morning (after about 0100hrs) my buddies and I, after having closed down the bars in Commerce (Texas), decided we were not drunk enough. So, natch, we drove to The Border, as I said: Oklahoma. Our mission: To hustle Pool and make the next day’s beer money.
Our favorite hang was a place just ‘cross da river. A place who’s name escapes me, but trust me: it was famous. There is a very long, very dark, very narrow bridge across the Red River. If one could successfully navigate that, being drunk… well, you needed a drink.

Now, do not mistake me, this establishment was always ‘closed’ by the time we usually arrived at thereabout 0200hrs, but I knew the guy behind the ‘Speak-Easy’ window and I knew the password: “Joe sent me.”

Good to go.

pool.jpg

They legally closed the bar at 0100hrs, but then remained open until first light. If one arrived around 0200hrs, one could shoot pool for four or five and then migrate to the back room where the crap tables were. I knew all the drills.

My gang and I sauntered in, bought some beers and Bob and I proceeded to ‘hustle’ pool. For beers. ONLY.

Shit!

We were already drunk; we did not need to hustle beers. We wanted money for the crap game. Bob and I spent the better part of two hours hustling beers, and had pretty much drained the joint, when this dude drops his quarter on the table. He was long and lankly and had his right hand missing. Yep. He was ‘handicapped” Errr… handless. I nudged Bob and said, “This chump cannot beat me. At pool.”

And, of course, I was right, but… damn! He was good. He used his ‘stub’ as a bridge and shot a mean Eight-Ball. I beat him outta bout a case of Coors. He got pissed and walked by me:

“You done stepped on my foot,” he said.

“No Sir, I did not, but if you think I did, well, I’m sorry…”

“YOU done STEPPED on my FOOT!”

“No Sir.”

Bob took me aside along with my other entourage; Peanut, Gene, and Jessie (a big black kid who had played star halfback for the Honey Grove Warriors back in the day—yes—he was older, and I did notice him putting razor blades between his fingers)

“Many-Feet” Peanut said, “That there one-armed man gonna beat you to some death with that nub.”

“Bullshit!” I said.

“No bullshit. Go ahead; hide an’ watch.”

To be continued….

Okay. Continued:

He beat me ’bout to death with that nub, just as Peanut foresaw.

Wish I had ‘foresaw’.
Dem Okies…well.. they some tough sons ah bitches, all I gotta say.

END

My Blood Pressure Went Three Bubbles Off Plumb This Eve…

But I found a cure: (and I do fear that stroke that is imminent)

Shelly West (Oh. David was pretty ‘spot on’ too)

Now, as all of Y’all out there know, I frequently make fun of Oklahoma on this Blog. And without Mercy. This is requisite in all Texans, especially ‘Native’ Texans, and don’t get me wrong: OK is not ‘OK’ with me. (Especially during ‘Texas/OU Weekend’)

But that writ, I love Oklahoma (Please don’t tell anyone). My second wife was/is from Oklahoma (I think she had some Cherokee in her and I never held that ‘gainst her, even though I have Comanche in me, and we Comanches never did cotton to Cherokees. Hell! We did not ‘cotton’ to no other tribe, save maybe the Kiowa)

Point is, I was experiencing some Melancholy Madness, (and in a fit of temporary nostalgia and just maybe missing my second wife–for a moment or five, and maybe a beer or two) and remembering a song I have always loved,

I present it here for your listening and watching, and perusing pleasure. And if you too have suffered hypertension, try it. It can be therapeutic I guess, (If you are an Okie or are/once married to one… Been my experience that they are ‘purty’ damn good in the sack, but individual results may vary. This is not a testimonial, just my personal experience and opinion.) but I ain’t no Doc;  That would be my Father, so take that with however many grains of salt you require. 

(All the videos push the narrative–if you ‘like’ the subject matter, that is fine, but if you are… smart, and have some time…. drop a dime) 

 

While on the subject of Memories of Oklahoma, I cannot but help to include some more along that same vein below. I hope you enjoy. And please humor me, because when y’all ‘like’ my posts, my Blood Pressure comes down. Substantially. So… do it! Do it for MY health. OH! If you also comment on my posts well, then that is ever even more effective. (If you do not recognize ‘Tongue-in-Cheek’… I cannot help you at this point. I have enuff trouble just understanding CNN these days.)

Some say this was ‘mockery’. I disagree. I think the Beach Boys secretly wanted to be Texans, but failed their immigration tests, i.e., they could not identify a photo of Willie Nelson… so they opted for Oklahoma and then did this song. In protest of their lost dreams. Google it Y’all.

And of course now we must come full circle:

My Take on Kinky:  Here

Or if you require something more sublime…

Peace,

Lancers

P.S. For all of Y’all ‘Serial Readers’ out there: I will finish the Sinai bits and the Biker, Bouncer, Big-Boned Gal bits soon. And I do thank y’all for any interest you may have in these true tales.

But for now, I have to punch some holes in the wall.

-Lance

“I play ‘Country’ when I’m  losin’  control.'”