I So Very Mother Fu*king Much Miss My Sister. This is a Work of FICTION! Because I Do Not Know if There is a Statute of Limitations on Arson. Not One Word Is Truth, Ruth.

Not One Word of this Story is True.


That Said,

This is Yet Another Madelyn & Lance Tale (Fictional!, Of Course)

A Horse is a Horse Of Course!

Old Blue Jeans

Cred for Vid Share: Želimir Lah

Back in the mid – Seventies, Madelyn worked at a joint in Bonham, Texas: ‘Richard’s Jeans’.

She sold jeans and other shit. She loved her part-time job. It was a nice place. I had gone there a few times to see her…

On the 3’rd of July, circa 1974 Madelyn came home almost crying.
I was working on my billiard skills (We had a pool table on the third floor of our ‘apartment’)

Madelyn ran past me, ran into her room and slammed the door.
I took a sip from my Coors beer, then cautiously knocked lightly on her door.

“Go away!” she said.
“Don’t think so,” I said to myself.

I opened the door.

She was sitting on her bed, sobbing.

I sat down next to her.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I have lost my job” she said.

“That asshole Richard fire you? I’ll kill him”
“No! He is closing the store!”

“Oh. Okay. I won’t kill him. At least not today.”
(He paid her shit wages)

To Be Continued….


Has occured to me some may not know of my relationship with Madelyn.


TV Dinners Are Keepin’ Me Alive! Sad Commentary, Eh? Left-Over Food. Left-Over Dreams. Fallin’ Apart At The Seams.

Ed. Note: I Find It Hysterically Funny (And Apropos) That I Posted This On April Fool’s Day!

That’s Just Me


Lance A. ‘Bubba’ Marcom

The Man

The Myth

The Legend


Pure-D White Trash

Lance-A-Lot O’Trash:

Charter Member In Good Standing Of The


“National Association For The Advancement Of White Trash”

Just A Big Kid Havin’ Fun.

Don’t Take It Personal Y’all


“White Trash” – Tom MacDonald & Madchild

“Happy And Broke”


My Fridge:

Left On my Bed. Instead. No worries. I can sleep around it.

I’ve got enough left-over food (some weeks gone-by of age-Waste not. Want not!) in my fridge to ‘Feed Cox’s Army’

‘Feed Cox’s Army…’ An expression Janet (An EX) used to hurl at me upon often occasion.

Anyway… I got NO Room! No ROOM! For my Beer! But I don’t care!

I am sorta European in this regard.
I LOVE Warm Beer!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I know:

I am pure-dee Bona-Fide White Trash.

“Warm Beer & Cold Women; I Just Don’t Fit In”

Cred: Tom Waits For No Man

“Time to get down to drinkin’–

Tell the Band to Play The Blues.”

“I’m at the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon”

And I LOVE TV Dinners!

(If the sauce is not too blue)

Astute observers will note the

Ouija Board

in this video below


Added Value:

I Do LOVE Me Some Dixie Chicks


Caint Say ‘Dixie’ No Mas

My Bad

“White Trash Weddin'”

Bye Fer Now

Y’all come back now, ya he’ah

What-The-Ever-Lovin’-Fuk Has Exactly Happened Here? Honestly, I Cannot Make This Shit Up. This Is My So-Called Life.

And I Can’t Write For Shite! Punctuation is Just An Afterthought.

Oh Fuck This Post!

It Ain’t about Shit!

And Not Worth a Cup of Warm Spit

I am Over and Done With It!

This Post’s Time – Line is all outta sink.

(and ink)

Ya know what?

Take all the money in the bank;

I think I’ll Just stay here and ‘drank!’Merle Haggard!

You California-Transplanted Okie-Bastard–Ex-Con–

I Love You MORE Than Cash….


I hate writing!!

It’s a Pain in my ass!

TMI: I’ve had enema experiences that were more enjoyable than trying to write.


What Happened?

I Just took a short nap.

Then, Guess what?

I Have No Earthly Clue

Do You?

Oh, I Know.

Lance Happened

It’s The End Of My World As I Knew it,

But I Feel Fine!

Bye Bye Cruel World


What is Wrong With This Picture?


I Guess TV Dinners Are In My Immediate And Fore-seeable Future Future.

ZZ SpeakTo Me!

I May Need This Someday.

Probably Good to Keep it Handy

Yes. I Am A Moron. Money, Part Uno Dinero: “Bill Collectors VS Test Tube Baby Inspectors. Round One–Ladies & Gentlemen, Place Your Bets! Good Luck!

If I were a Rich Man…

Just Don’t Shut Off My Internet.

I’ll Fuckin’ ALWAYS Pay that!

Even Over Food and Booze!

Certain things are so…

What’s the word?



Nailed it!


So  ISP Service Provider...
Some Things in My World Are Requisite:
Electricity and Internet Being two!

I Love You So Much Joni


It’s a Rich Man’s World

Cred: Yu Figger it out

This one gonna be fun

From ‘Lance-The-Moron’

Trust me Kids

I took notes

To Be Continued…

Just as soon as I manage to stop laughing!


I am so sorry Kiddoes,

but I just cannot stop laughing over this telephone convo

I just had With Internet ‘Lame-Ass

Internet Service




Bitch wanted mo’ money in a timely fashion.

From me!

And We Had Stomped Upon

The Same Same Grounds

In Ologapo City, PI!

Can Yu Imagine?


She knew the drill!

U.S. Sailors!


P.S. I’ll Cred All The Vids Soon as I Sober Up.

Y’all know I will

This is Just How This Here Cowboy Rolls

Honour and RespectY

Yes/No… I know,,,

Paula ls is Mocking–

-I may be stupid, but I ain’t that stupid.–not that stupid!

OK–So I Lied–Never Ever Believe Anything Said By A Sailor/Texan “I Need a Brand New Key” Or “Adventures in Alcohol-(isms)” Or, “Driving While Blind”


Just So’d You’d Know.

I Never Want To Harm Any Innocent One.

(But, I Still Take My Half Of The Road Outta The Middle–Old Habit)


“Brand New Key”

Video Share Credit: alecwally23 (Brilliant, Wonderfully Charming, Delightful Video)

“A 8mm film done by my sister while
in high school for a class project
in the 70’s with music by Melanie
that I transferred to tape. Location Wichita Kansas.”


Melanie! Melanie! Melanie!

Marry Me!

I promise!

I’ll be True!

To You!

And Only YOU!

Vid Share Cred: 64downtown


I need a New Key: This One I got Ain’t User Friendly.

Why do I make my life so difficult?

I just got home from my drunken booze run.

Yes, I know! I promised to never drive While Blind.

Guess what?

I broke that promise. But I rationalized:

The trip wasn’t far, just as long as I didn’t trip when gettin’ outta my car…

Drunks can rationalize ANYTHING. Trust me. I know.


I broke that premise, promise.

(I was seeing double)

Foreigner – Double Vision

Vid Cred: RHINO


This weren’t my first rodeo–I knew how to get by:

I just closed one eye.

(I once drove half-way from San Diego to Las Vegas with one eye closed.–‘nother story…)

Once home it took me five minutes to navigate my key into the door of my apartment. And the one I had in my paw didn’t seem to be working at all.

Imagine my  shameful shame. Looking about, hoping no one was “seeing” me with one eye or three.

A little “added value” for reference:

Just a little Ol’ Band O’ Bro’s from Texas.

(aka ‘Tejas’)

“Driving While Blind”

Never Give Johnny Walker A Ride

Z Z Top: Jes A Little Ol’ Band From Texas:


(I have never been ‘busted’ for that, but I could have killed someone. And this would’ve ruined my life, not to mention theirs)

ZZ TOP – Beer Drinkers and Hellraisers – 1980

Cred For Vid Share: MikeNadiBluesRock

“Letter From a South Park Jail” Part Three: “The Bored Walk”

This is the continuation of a transcribed letter/email I sent to my Girlfriend while stuck in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

“Here’s Your Sign(s)”


30 July 0426hrs: Rally Point

Waiting on the bus and the Gomer to take us to the Badging Office. This time of day Afghanistan is pleasant—not hot—cool in fact. I tossed and turned all night and did not sleep well at all. I kept thinking about Dubai, well specifically about us in Dubai.

There were no Rockets’ Red Glare last night. So that cannot be used as excuse today for red eyes and sleepy Lance, not that I will be required to provide any, as no one gives two shits about anyone else here.


Waitin’ On The Bus

ZZ Top

“Have Mercy”


0452hrs: Briefing

The Briefing was Brief. Mercifully So

“This here’s the van gonna take you. Leaves at zero five hunnert, an’ it’ll leave without ch’all, so doan wander off.”

0523hrs: CAC Badging Office

We’re told to expect to be here all day. Perfect! (At Dwyer last time I had to get a new CAC, I was in and out in thirty minutes max. Shit! But THEY closed that Badging office. Why??)

0630hrs: CAC Badging Office

No sooner than four hours from now…grrrr. Didn’t bring my sunglasses; didn’t bring any snack, “No phone, no pool, no pets; I ain’t got no cigarettes…” This day is gonna suck.

0758hrs: Boardwalk, KAF

Yes, you read that right: 


I’m sitting at a table drinking a Mocha Frappe purchased from Green Beans Coffee (Think Starbucks) Come to find out, the world famous KAF Boardwalk lies less than one hundred meters from the CAC Badging Office.

Praise The Great White Cat of the River Nile! (Again)


Under The Boardwalk

The Drifters


The boardwalk embraces a soccer field but and there appears to also be a hockey court of some kind as well. (No Ice. Duh!)

On the Boardwalk itself are myriad food joints: KFC, Fridays (no booze), Pizza, Juice Bar, Kebab Joint, Convenience Store (called Downtime–If they’re sellin’ ‘downtime‘, I’m buyin’), Trinket Shops, ATT Phone Center, Souvenir Joint, Afghan Bank, Nathan’s Frankfurters, and God knows what else.


I’d heard of this place, but didn’t know it was of this magnitude.

Having a lot of time to kill, I think this will be the place to murder it.

Damn! That mocha thingy was good. I now have a brain freeze.

This is only the third time I have ever had a Frappe. Me! The World Traveler! Ha! Now I’m spoiled. ‘Ruint’ as we say in Texas.

To top that off (my discovery of Le Boardwalk), I ran into my old Filipino Electrician from Iraq days on my way over here. File that in ‘it’s a small world after all’ department.

His name is Hernani and he was, without doubt, my best employee and also a very good friend. I have missed him and it was wonderful to see him again after almost three and a half years.

He has been here at KAF for three years now he tells me. Poor guy has been working all over the Middle East for at least twelve years, sending all his money back to the Philippines to support his wife and family.

Now here is an honorable man. I truly admire and respect him.

Hernani aka “Nani”

One of the Most Honorable Men I have ever been privileged to know

Camp Wolf Anbar Province 2007


0907hrs: Boardwalk, KAF

I snuck a couple of photos—not sure on KAF about photography—best to be cautious. I suppose I could just ask, but where would be the fun in that?

Since I was starving to death, I purchased a toasted bagel with cream cheese from a joint called YO Time. The ‘O’ is a clock. Clever.

 The bagel was mediocre, the cream cheese probably made from powder, but it hit my spot and I feel much better. The airfield lies in the direction I’m facing and I’ve been observing various aircraft come and go. So far about half a dozen helos, a couple of Predator Drones, couple of cargo planes, and I swear, I think I saw Air France landing.

Bored Walker

There is a large white blimp suspended overhead. We had these in Iraq. They serve as the Eye in the Sky. ‘Gomer, watch yer ass.’

I forgot to mention that the soccer/hockey field has a jogging track circling it. I may have to try it out for a walk-about, but it is already getting hot and I really don’t want to look like I just ran in front of a fire hose… (I tend to perspire…uh, no… Sweat. A lot, when I’m working out. But that’s OK. People who don’t sweat in the desert die of heat stroke) before I get my ID photo taken.

0959hrs: CAC Badging Office

Decided better return here to see how far I’ve moved up the list: Twelve in front of me now. Looks like they have been knocking out about four per hour. “Warp Speed Mister Zulu!”

1025hrs: Boardwalk

Needed more caffeine—wanted another one of those orgasmic frappes, but my self-discipline kicked in—Diet Coke—Ah! Tasty.

Before I left the badging office, I inquired to the Soldierette behind the counter, “If I have ten in front of me do I have at least an hour?”
She laughed. “Yes Sir. At Least.”

*heavy sigh*

The Boardwalk has really come to life in the past hour. Quite a cosmopolitan crowd here: U.S. Mil, civilians of every stripe, NATO forces, Afghani shop keepers, TCN’s and… Lance. (I deserve my own category—I have worked hard to be certifiable.) It’s disappointing that there are no hockey or football (See, I didn’t say ‘soccer’ this time in deference to my audience) matches going on. Probably that sort of activity happens only at night.

In November.

In The Rain.

After Sundown.

When it’s cool.


I discovered this gem which was filmed during the same time I was in Afghanistan.

“I Find TGI Fridays In Afghanistan – Kandahar Boardwalk Tour” – Mike Swick

Mega Thanks to You Tuber OfficialSwick for the share 


Anyway folks are walkin’ around the B’Walk stopping here, stoppin’ there, buyin’ food, eatin’ same, shootin’ the shit, cokin’ an’ smokin’ and if I didn’t know better, I’d think I was in Atlantic City.

But I know better…



We do have lots of beach here, just no water. And they do sell beer. Non-alcoholic beer. Why even bother? Might as well drink camel piss. Probably could get that too (for medicinal purposes) now that I think on it.

1112hrs: CAC Badging Office

Only three in front of me. I can see the light. Read an article in Stars & Stripes about the casualties of contractors during the rebuilding efforts in Iraq. Finally someone is giving credit to those who died doing this work!

Personally, I lost two friends there in 2007. Not best friends, but friends—killed by a roadside bomb. We were in Anbar Province at the time.

The story cited 719 killed, but the number is probably over one thousand: the USG folks estimate… according to the story. I know the number is much higher even than that.

1151hrs: CAC Badging Office: NEXT

Once saw a buxom brunette wearing a T-Shirt which read, “You can’t be the First, but you can be Next.” (Okay. I stole that line from Larry McMurtry… Please don’t tell him.)

Well, I’m next in line for the CAC’ing Experience. Feels like Christmas Eve.


1242hrs: TGI Fridays

Yep. I’m sitting in a Fridays in Kandahar, Afghanistan. Believe this shit?

Iraq was never like this!

This is almost the Real Deal.

Just need a frosty pint of my favorite Irish Stout to make it so much more Real…


Needless to say I am now the proud owner of a brand new Common Access Card, or CAC. This one is good until 31 July 2013. I am sure you are dying to know what I ordered at Fridays.

Chicken Sandwich.


I must be boring. Well, I am, after all, in training and must treat my body as a temple. I was staring around at the décor here and I must have looked like an idiot because a Gomer wait-person came over and asked if I needed any help.

“No thank you,” I said. “Just never been to the Big City before.” He left, probably certain now that I am an idiot.

After I eat, I must try to find my way back to South Park. This should prove interesting.

Part Four: