So I’m standing in line at Kroger’s last night reading the tabloid headlines:
“Jennifer Lawrence gives birth to purple alien.”
”Perfectly preserved Elvis head found under back seat of ’57 Chevy in Dallas” (Why does this shit always happen in Texas?)
“Bill O’Reilly Comes Out” (Out of what? Stupidity?)
Just kiddin’ Bill. I love you man! Hahaha! (tongue firmly planted in cheek)
Anyhow, there is an elderly black gentleman in front of me, driving one of those grocery store golf carts. He has maybe five items in his basket. Still perusing the latest headlines, I hear the cashier say,
It’s OK to say “Mother-Fucker” on my site. Tis rated “M”
“Eighty-one-fifty.”
“Eighty dollars?!” the man exclaims.
Now I look up.
“Yessir, eight-one-fifty.”
“Lan’ sakes chile. For what?”
“Well, you got them short ribs there… them was eighteen. Then you got that cough medicine, thas eight ninety-nine. Then you got that ‘luminum foil casserole dish, seven. Then you got them chips. Fo’ dollar. Then you got that gum there…. It all adds up.”
Black gentleman shakes grizzled head.
“Lawd ah mercy!”
“Yep. Y’all gonna be in big trouble onc’t y’all git home,” Cashier says. “Got a Kroger Loyalty Card?”
“Yessum, but far as I kin see, doan do no damn good.”
Now. I ask you: Since when do short ribs fetch nine dollar a pound? Since when does a nickel’s worth of aluminum foil shaped to look like a roasting pan cost seven bucks? Since when does a bag of potato chips cost four dollars? What has happened to my country?
Fuck it.
I’m moving back to Baghdad, where you can still purchase goat on the hoof for four bits a pound. (BYOB)
