Monthly Archives: October 2020

Military Madness

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“Solitary sadness creeps over me“

Three-Star General Woodbridge to the troops:

“Men, I suppose you’re wondering why I have assembled you here today…”

Shouts from the men: “We love you General!”

General Woodbridge continues, “Men, we have an important, almost impossible, very dangerous mission, but I know you brave men are up to the task at hand.”

Private Marcom pipes up, “What’s the Mission General?”

“Clean up this shit-hole and do it smartly.”

(Probably gonna take a lot of casualties)

“Over the top Boys!”

Credit: Mel Gibson

The Trouble With Lance And Beer Cans (And Tribbles) I’m apologize for the U-Boob links— I may fix this later…. or not

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The major problem with being an alcoholic (semi-functioning one with a brain) is that you are smart enough to talk yourself out of necessary tasks that need to be tasked and stupid enough to not realize you are deluding yourself into thinking that nothing else matters, ‘cept maintenance drinking.

This is a delicate tight-wire you have precariously put yourself upon for no real good reason.

Yet

You Sailor on.

Precariously perched

Trying to maintain some semblance of ‘balance.’

It is a delicate dance.

And you are smart enough to know how the story must end.

Yet you hurdle on into the dark void of your madness.

Casting all caution to the wind.

Rinse and Repeat Every Day.

Same Bat Time.

Same Bat Channel.

But somehow Life Staggers On

Hold my beer and watch this:

Vid Cred: MsAnne5

History of The Entire World–The Genius That is Bill Wurtz

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The Genius That is Bill Wurtz.

I posted this on my Facebook Page.

For my Friends to Enjoy, but

It may have been over their heads.

(Or maybe no one has time anymore to invest in watching something of quality—twenty second sound bites is what they want…)

Now, I am not being arrogant.

Nor pompous.

Ok, maybe a little pompous,

But,

I have the attention span of a drunk gnat myself

YET,

Some things are worth the time invested.

****

“Uh…. I have posted some of this man’s work before…

But no one ‘watched’ (Uhhhh, your loss).

Watch this one. It is for ‘thinking’ peeps (as were the others)

I try to ‘share’ things that are thought provoking and relevant and entertaining.

But, what the hell, right? You can only beat a dead horse so long before it falls apart and becomes disgusting.

I shoot high. Sometimes I shoot low.

Sometimes I hit.

Sometimes I miss.

But I always shoot.

And always with good intent.

Never malice.

I just want folks to enjoy some of the things that enrich my life.

And maybe enrich yours.”

Thank You.

Drive Through.

-Lance.

(Ed. Note: There is a slight pause at the beginning of the video. This is intentional by the author–I am guessing here–but do NOT think that that is the end of the video. It is almost 20 minutes long and worth every minute of time spent watching.)

Bonus Track:

Bonus Bonus Track

BONUS BONUS BONUS TRACK

We Are Living In Progressive Times (Or at Least I am)

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So, I suddenly realized that my auto insurance expired two days ago.

I have been ‘with’ Progressive over 9 years for my insurance needs.

Paying just the bare amount to be ‘legal’. Don’t need no ‘comprehensive.’ Don’t need a million dollars worth of collateral dead man walking compensation. Don’t need no protection from “Acts of God.”

Oh Hell No!

I just wanna be ‘legal.’

Simple.

Been paying about $250 and change for six months coverage.

I went to the Progressive web site to renew my policy, but while there I tried to inform them that I was no longer in Memphis.

No dice.

Their web site is broken.

So I got on the telephone.

Got someone named “George” or “Randy” or “Wilfred” or whatever. Don’t matter.

Turns out he was a “Soy Boy.”

But more on that later.

He’s like, “Well, before we can continue, I need to ask you a series of questions. Will take about 15 minutes. Do you agree to this?”

“Sure,” I said. “Got no pressing engagements at this moment; fire away.”

Now, mind you, Gentle Readers, I have been ‘with’ Progressive Insurance for quite some time.

We’ve met.

They already know everything about me, save for my new Home of Record which is the only reason I had to telephone them. But I am a patient man and realize there are dumb-ass corporate ‘dances’ that must be danced, so I answered all the redundant questions.

Finally got to the punch line:

“Ok, Willard, Wilfred, Randy… How much my ‘New’ Texas Policy gonna set me back?”

“Four hundred and sixty-three dollars. Would you like to go ahead and renew now?”

“Whoa! Wait a second there Hot-Rod! Please explain to me why the same policy I had in Tennessee costs double in Texas.”

“Well, it’s a different state.”

“No shit. Tell ya what, I am gonna ‘shop’ this around. If I cannot do better, then I will call you back. No, strike that! Do you have Flo’s personal number?”

“Flo is not a real person,” he said.

“Well then, I am gonna call the Geico Gecko. Bye!“

The Good Old Days Are Right Now

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There are so many reasons today to rejoice.

We are living in wonderful, vibrant times.

Ponder this: you can communicate with anyone in the world with just a mouse click or a keyboard strike.

Could anyone have imagined this just a decade or so ago?

The opportunities we have today!

It blows my mind (what little is left of it).

But there is enough of it left to fully appreciate how fortunate we are.

As Carly once sang: “These are the Good Old Days.”

And we are living them. Right Now

Trust me on this one folks.

Appreciate what we have here.

Do not squander these opportunities to be ‘social.’

This is what it means to be ‘human.’ To be social. It is genetic within us.

If it weren’t, we would never have evolved into what we are.

And hence, we would not be here today to watch cute cat videos.

(And ever’ once in a while, have some meaningful conversation on the Inter-Webs)

Be Kind: Rewind. And recall the bad old dark days and appreciate what we have now:

This age of COMMUNICATION.

Think about what we have going on here.

So, do not waste any opportunity to reach out if something is important and moves you.

But save the cute cat videos for later: we have seen them all—just kidding.

End of rant

Thank You. Drive Through.

–Lance

Added Value:

 

Artist: Lanie Gardner

Vid Cred: Thrifty Mint

“You Got an EBP?”

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“EBP?”

This means “Eye-Ball Problem.”

Generally a statement hurled from a black woman at someone who is staring at her.

I love strong black women (Hell! I don’t think I have ever met a weak black woman–they just do not exist.)

Anyway… Here is my “EBP” story.

It is very ‘light,’ so don’t get excited.

****

OK.

I just had something stuck in my eye (who has NOT experienced this at least a thousand times?)

Well, it is always unpleasant.

I grabbed the Visine and tried to flush it out.

No Dice.

Kept flushing.

No dice.

Finally, maybe some relief, but…

Wanted to rub my eyeball.

Voice inside my head:

“Don’t do it Lance! Don’t do it! Put your head down. Let gravity do that gravity thing and let it come out on its own. Just keep your head down and keep blinking. This will all turn out fine. Trust me, I’m with the Government”

“Fuck off, Voice inside my head,”

But Finally, that worked.

“Thank you, voice inside my head for saving me from me.”

Voice inside my head said, “You’re fucking welcome. Don’t call me again any time soon, mmmm kay?”

“Okay. We still on for lunch tomorrow?”