(Please Just Watch All The Videos I Stole) Great News! Bill Just Released A New Video! Now I Am In The Middle Of My Happy-Lance-Break-Dance! “The Genius That is Bill Wurtz”

History of the Entire World, I Guess:

(There’s A Bit of A Long Pause At The Beginning;

Please Be Patient Grasshopper)


“The Happy Lance Break Dance”


And Yes

You’ll Have To Scroll Down A Mite For

The Rest Of The Videos

But Use Caution:

Mites Can Be Damn Slippery, Sneaky, Stealthy Little Bastards

And Trust Me On This One Kids:

You Don’t Want A ‘Mite-Bite’ On Yer Ass



This Post Has Been Greatly Expanded

Perhaps I got ‘Slightly’ Carried Away

“I’m a huge gamer most of the time”

New! New! New!



Yet Another ‘New’ One I Failed to Notice Until Now.

‘Tis A ‘Red Letter Day’ For me

“Life’s Simple Pleasures”

It Doesn’t Take Much To Make Me Happy These Days

I’m Scared


“Ball & Stick”

My Man Bill!

History of Bill Wurtz, I Guess | A Brief History


The Brilliance That is Bill Wurtz:


I posted this on my Facebook Page.

(Ed. Note: I Nuked My Face-Dork Account Months Ago)

For my Friends to Enjoy, but

It may have been over Some of their Heads.

(Or maybe no one has time anymore to invest in watching something of quality—twenty second sound bites is what they want…)

Now, I am not being arrogant.

Nor pompous.

Ok, maybe just a little bit pompous,


Personally I have the attention Span of a Drunk Gnat


Am ‘Mostly’ Harmless



Some things are Worth the Time Invested.

“If the World Doesn’t End”

“More Than A Dream”


“History of the Entire World”

(I Guess)

La Crème de la crème:


Long Pause in This One.

Be Patient.

I Think Bill Did it For

‘Creative Effect’

Or Perhaps As A Test of Your

Attention Span

And Undying Need For

‘Instant Gratification’

I know ‘Cause I’m The

Worst ‘Instant Gratification Culprit’ I know

“Uh…. I have posted some of this man’s work before…

But no one ‘watched’ (Uhhhh, Their FB Loss)

Watch this one. It is for ‘thinking’ peeps (as are the others)

(Some ‘Good-Natured’ Profanity)


I try to ‘share’ things that are thought provoking and relevant and entertaining.

But, what the hell, right? You can only beat a dead horse so long before it falls apart and becomes disgusting.


I shoot high.

Sometimes I shoot low.

Sometimes I hit.

Sometimes I miss.

But I always shoot.

From The Hip

And always with good intent.

Never malice.

I just want folks to enjoy some of the things that enrich my life.

And maybe even enrich yours.



Thank You

Drive Through


Bonus Track:

History of Japan

Bonus Bonus Track:



“Mount St. Helens is About to Blow Up”

Sorry, Couldn’t Resist.

Jimmy Buffett – ‘Volcano’ Live:


“First Day of School”


“At The Corner Store”


“Fly Around”


“Here Comes The Sun”


“I Just Did A Bad Thing”


“Wild Frolicking Adventures of Informational Education”


“Got Some Money”


“Christmas Isn’t Real”


“Slow Down”


“Soap Tips”


When I Get Older”


“Maybe I Could Eat Blades of Grass”


“At The Airport Terminal”


“Long Long Long Journey


Shonnie, The Biker’s Wife. Part V: Vegas

Part V of My Shonnie Saga

Parts One  Two  Three  Four


Our road trip to Vegas takes five hours and change. Once we got past San Bernardino and well into the desert I announced it was safe to drink and drive and ride. Therefore, we pulled over and had some cocktails. And smokes. Then we hit the road again. We stayed on Interstate 15. It’s a straight shot into Vegas. Lots of desert. Not much traffic as well, even though it was a Friday. For once, I had planned ahead and made a reservation at the Plaza Hotel and Casino, downtown: Glitter Gulch. I never much cared for ‘The Strip’ during my visits to Vegas, but as this was Shonnie’s first trip there, I promised me I would set aside some time to show her the Glitter-That-Was-Not-Glitter-Gulch.

“Are we there yet?” she asked, rather mockingly about an hour out of San Bernardino.

“You need to pee again?” I shot back over strains of Jimmy Buffett and wind coming from my half-open window.

“Yeah. Matter of fact, I do.”

“Wimmen!” I said, as I pulled off onto the breakdown lane.

“I ain’t gonna pee here!” She protested.

“Look Darlin’, See those big ol’ rocks over there? You can go pee behind one of those. Nobody will see you.”

“Snakes,” she said.


“Snakes. I don’t like snakes.”

“Okay, I will come with you. Just let me git my M60 outta the trunk.”

Ignoring my piercing wit, she said, “I won’t be able to piss if you’re watching me.”

“You’d prefer the rattlers watch instead?”

“Okay, but you turn your head at the last minute.”

“I never figured you for a prude Honey.”

“Fuck you. Les go. I gotta go.”

And off we went. There were no snakes that day, so mission accomplished; no apparent casualties, except for maybe some ants who could not scurry away fast enough.

Back on the road. The rest of the trip was pretty much uneventful. We arrived to Vegas about six in the evening. As we drove along The Strip I pointed out all the hotels / casinos which had been graced by my patronage (and my money) during past trips. She was impressed and I could see her eyes lighting up. Shame it was still daylight and she could not see the glory of the Neon City that is Las Vegas. Well, time enough for that later, I mused.

We finally arrived at the very end of Fremont Street and checked in to my old Nemesis: The Union Plaza. I have always had a love/hate relationship with The Plaza, but like a bad marriage, I just could never seem to break it off.


We found the way to our room, which for me was mediocre (I have been around the world, remember? And spent time in some fine, really fine hotels), but to Shonnie, who was not so much a world traveler—more of a life traveler—the room was amazing. She immediately did a thorough inventory of all the ‘accoutrements’ in the room.

“Hey Lance!” she exclaimed. “Come look at this shit! There are little tiny soap bars in the bathroom. And little tiny shampoo bottles. And some paper thingy on the toilet. How I’m supposed to pee with that paper there? And look at this!” she said, walking out of the head and back into the room, “There’s a coffee pot and Coffee! And Look at this here! A remote control for the TV!”

*heavy sigh* from me. “Shonnie, welcome to the First World.”

“Smart ass! Hey! Just look at that bed! Is that one of them water-beds?”

“I seriously do not think so. This ain’t Caesar’s Palace, Hun. We are in the part of Vegas known as the home of ‘The Sawdust Joints’.”

“Oh… Well, I like it.”

“Stay tuned.”

She walked over to the little desk beside the TV and picked up the room service menu. “This is my idea of Heaven”, she said.


“We can have room service! I’ve never had room service. What should I order? I’m hungry.”

“Honey, order anything you want.”

“No. I’ll tell you what I want and you order it. I don’t wanna talk to some stranger on the phone about food.”

“Very well,” I said. “Go ahead. Take your time. Then I will order us up some supper. Wanna drink while you ‘peruse’ the menu?”

“While I what?

“Decide what you want to eat.”

“Yeah… reach me a beer and my cigs while I study this. So many choices!”

She was enjoying her stay so far. And I was loving her enjoying.

“Have you decided what you want for supper?” I asked after a bit.

“Yeah, but I caint make out what some of this stuff is, so I am shopping ‘price’”

“Baby, you don’t havta shop price. I have money. Order what you want.”

“No, I mean I am shopping price. Gonna order the most expensive thing on this menu and see what I get.”

Good Gawd! I am loving this woman! “You go right ahead Darlin’.”

She had picked out, what she called, a baby steak, based upon the photo in the menu (Filet mignon) and then said, “I love the picture of that steak but it looks kinda small. Can you add some taters or something with it?”

“Don’t worry Honey, I will take care of it. I am gonna go for ice first, then I will order.”

“The Seven Eleven is way far from here,” she protested. “Don’t you leave me alone.”

“You really are country, ain’t ya? And you called me ‘City Boy’. Baby, the ice is just down the hall. Be right back.”

Over her protestations, I went and fetched a bucket of ice. When I returned, she announced she wanted a shower:

“I’m gonna freshen up. You make sure that room service guy don’t come into my bathroom while I’m in there.”

“Shonnie, I will gallantly stand my post just outside your door. No worry.”

“Okay then. See ya in a bit.” And she disappeared into the bathroom.

The food arrived while she was still in the head, showering. I tipped the dude and laid out our supper table. Opened a bottle of red wine I had tacked onto the order along with my ‘steak’, a semi rare cheeseburger (I am a simple man: simple tastes). Anyhow, presentation is everything. I had also requested a single red rose for ornament and I placed that ‘just so’ too on the table.

She yelled at me from behind the bathroom door: “Is he gone?”

“Yes Babe. He is. Come on out.”

She opened the door, enveloped in a cloud of steam, like something out of film noir, wearing a hotel white cotton bath robe, and waltzed into the bedroom. I was impressed. She looked stunning and I felt one more brick in my emotional wall crumble.

“Let’s eat! I’m starving!” she announced gruffly in that coarse gravelly voice I had grown to love so well.

We had our meal to the strains of ‘Joni Mitchell’ singing from Hejira on my brought boom box. Neither one of us had any desire to watch TV, as we were too much into music. The TV with the remote was just a novelty for her; she had no desire to actually watch it. Nor did I.

After our meal, she asked me, “So, you gonna show me about this Fool’s Paradise Town of yours or what?”

“In due time. In due time. Now take off that robe and lie back and relax. I have something I want to do to you first. Then I am gonna teach you how to ‘count’ down the deck in Blackjack.”

To be continued… Part Sex Here

Wastin’ Away Again In “Commerce-Ville”

Drunk Again



Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett – Margaritaville

I Love a Steel Guitar

(When ‘Done’ Properly)

I Had a An HG Friend, Moniker of Boyd Hudgens–

He Could Play Steel Guitar Like No-Body’s Business.

Just Yet A Nother, ‘Fun, Pointless Fact


Street Cred For Vid Share: ms50katy

Still Yet Even More Random Memories from the Middle East: SCUBA (Self-Contained-Under-Water Breathing Apparatus—Invented By Jaques Cousteau–A Frenchman)


Driving from Eilat to Ras Mohammed (Sinai) with the first wife.

Don't stay here

Okay, we were not married at that time. (At least not in ‘her’ God’s eyes.) We were both working at SFM and had coordinated our R&R schedule so that we could spend that week together. ‘Bliss’ Promised, promise of same…

We arrived in Tel Aviv and immediately went off to rent a car for our ‘camping’ trip. Our itinerary required us to first make the rather long and somewhat treacherous drive to Elait (‘treacherous’ because of the roads) where I hoped to get in a few more dives toward qualifying me as a bona-fide PADI deep-sea-diver. Then we were to head further south all the way to Ras Mohammad, on the southernmost tip of the Sinai, perhaps stopping or staying at Sharm El Sheik along the way. (Sharm back then was all about nothingness, still Israeli-Occupied Egypt and not the tourist trap we find it Today Okay?!)

We had loaded up our tiny rental car with way too much camping stuff, ‘checked out’ from the rec center we had at Sinai Field Mission Base camp. We had a tent, (such as it was), cooking utensils, sleeping bags, lanterns, coolers, and et cetera, ‘et cetera’  mostly being booze, of course) And of course we had schlepped along my boom box, extra batteries, and about five dozen cassette tapes. My life needed musical accompaniment back then. Always.

We left Elait and proceeded south. The road hugged the Gulf of Aqaba. The contrast was stunning. I mean, every once in a while I would stop the car, grab a snorkel and, well, go snorkeling. The colors under the sea were so vibrant, as opposed to the desolation of the desert behind me. Now, do not mistake: I love the Sinai. It is perhaps the most beautiful desert in the world. But. But! The coral reefs in the Gulf of Aqaba! As I did say:  color contrast.

We got about half-way to Sharm and Ras Mohammad, and as it was getting late, I decided ‘time to camp’. We parked the car on a very small ‘break-down’ lane and as Janet watched, I schlepped all the ‘gear’ down a ravine, or rather a ‘clif’ to the beach and the camping site I had proclaimed, ‘perfect.”

Set up the camp. Opened a bottle of ‘fine’ Israeli wine. Turned up the boom box. Cooked some chicken bits over a make-shit campfire. Ate. Then… had to shit. (I had been drinking apple juice all day—ran through me—needed to evacuate—embarrassed—

“Uh Janet, I need to leave you here for a min or two…”


“Just do. I’ll be back… soon. Okay?”


So, I grabbed a roll of T-paper and headed off into the darkness, looking for a place to take a righteous shit, diarrhea shit. Found one. Did the deed. Happy and sated. Went back to our camp site. Found Janet laughing her ass off.

“What’s so fuckin’ funny?” I asked.

“Your toilet paper preceded you!” She said.


“Yeah! The wind blew it all over here!”


We made love in the ‘tent.’ and fell asleep. The next early morning, we were awakened by the sounds of someone yelling at us in Hebrew:

I will translate:

“Hey! American! You cannot be here!”

“Why not?”

“This is IDF Zone!”

“And? I have diplomatic immunity!”


“We have diplomatic i-mun-it-ty!”


“Fuck off!”

“Wait! I am coming there..”

“Fine.” (asshole)

Will be continued… Here

Ras Mo

Ras Mohammad

Vid Credit Here:

Country Boy At Its Best

“I’ve run my share of grass…”


The Wino And I Know. “Yeah, Livin’ My Life Like A Song.”

Make Your Own Kind of Music.

I Certainly Make Mine

(Cass Elliott)

I Love Her!


“‘Cause I’m livin’ on things that excite me
Be they pastry or lobster or love
I’m just tryin’ to get by bein’ quiet and shy
In a world full of push and shove.”

And, Yes Jimmy: I’ve Also Seen Too Many Places

“The Wino And I Know”

–Jimmy Buffet

Street Cred: MoonLit Water


Lance In Not-To Distant Future:

Speaking of “Futures”–My Liver Do Not Have One.

Not A Pleasant One Anyhow.

That’s What The Lovely Young She-Doc Told Me During My Recent Commerce Hospital Adventure told Me Anyway–

She Sent Me Home With Some Scary-Ass Lit:

Two Inches Thick.

Had ‘Family Snaps’ Of MY Liver & Ever’Thang.

I Saved it For My ‘Crap/Snap-Book-Book–

And to Tack to My

“I love Me Wall”

(Just Some ‘Light’ Reading)

For Reminiscing: 

“Hurry; Don’t Be Late”

For Reminiscing: 

Say Moi!

No Wine Before It’s Mine!


God Love ‘Em!

Street Cred: MoonLit Water


Bonus Added Value:

King Richard-The-First:


I know I am STUPID!

But, I just want to make people


(This is My Mission)


“Livin’ My Life Like A Song”

–Jimmy B.

“It’s A Strange Situation…

Wild Occupation!”–



Man Wrote some really Great Shit!

And Yes! I Have Read His Auto-biography–

“A Pirate Looks At Fifty”

It Kinda Sucked–Was All About Nothing But Water-Planes—

I Never Read Another One–The First One Bored Me To Tears


I was Disappointed


I generally

Don’t Like

To End My Posts On A Down



This Song…

Is My So-Called Life.


Very Long Ago…

“I thought I’d found a life to suit my style.

Obviously I Was Mistaken

“Spider John”

And This Vid Kinda Sucks

But I prefer Old Washed-Up Drunks To Watch,

Rather Than When They Were In-Their-Prime

Below is the Orig Audio Version

For All You ‘Purist Parrot-Parrot-Heads’ Out There In Radio-Land

Here is the Audio-Only Original Version:


How Many Good Women Have I Cast Away?

Far Too Many to Count.

But How Many Lotharios Do You Know Who Ever Even Learned To Count Above Ten?

Al Wilson – The Snake:

“You Can’t Be The First, But You Can Be Next.”

Must Be… A Stream of Un-Consciousness. Honesty-Time: I Always ‘Rapidly Post A Post’–Just to Look at it–Once I Think I Have Found It ‘Done’


Perhaps Just A Train Wreck?

You Decide!

Cred fer Vid: Charlie Dean Archives

Some Broad, Back In Sand-Dog,

Once Called Me A ‘Train-Wreck–Going Somewhere To Happen’

Now I Know Why

Smart Woman–She Was–Her Name was…

Wait For It…



But, I Can NEVER Just Walk On By…

So I Drop This In Here,

Simply ‘Cuz I Just Cannot Find A Proper Place For It:

“The literary device ‘stream of consciousness’ is the continuous flow of thoughts of a person and recorded, thereof, in literature as they occur. In other words, it means to capture a continuous stream of thoughts into words and then scribble them on paper for others to read.”

Credit: https://literarydevices.net/stream-of-consciousness/

News Flash: It Ain’t Never Done!

Not In MY Estimation. Ever’Thang is a Work-In-Progress–

The Reason I Continue to Wake-Up, Most Mornings

So I Go Back and Edit it to Within an Inch of its Natural Life–

Call it ‘A Character Flaw’–if you Must.


I AM a GOOD Person

G’Damn It!

Since I cannot think up anything ‘new’ (or old) to write, thought I would just try to bullshit my way through a new post.

Why Not?

Here goes. Hold onto your socks.

Reflecting upon what has ‘happened’ to me over the past month or so…

Mostly bad, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel

And it ain’t no train.

Thanks Be To Baby Hey Zeus!

Recall that I was evicted from my last apartment:

So What did I do?

Got so drunk and engulfed in self-pity that I drank myself into a stupid stupor.

A Matter of Course, Of course.

Ended up Back in Re-Hab.


(No worries’ I have ‘Frequent – Flyer Miles’ on the books with them—didn’t cost me a dime.)

While there, was informed that all my worldly possessions had been taken from my ‘Mouse-House’ and cast into Purgatory—I mean ‘Storage’

Everything I own was haphazardly tossed into some storage closet in some dark, dank shit-hole:

All my expensive computers, monitors, precious memory items—basically, my entire life—Unceremoniously and carelessly hurled into oblivion.

Cutting to the chase—me chasing my tale—I was eventually released from the loving arms/secure nest of Glen Oaks and not Un-Like a newly-born bird, managed to ‘fly’ back home, which was now just my Ford Explorer.


After much stressful Tribulations & Try-Angle-Accusations, I managed to find me where I reside today: Pecan Tree Apartments, A Six-Unit Complex. I love it. Not only is the Manager Nice to me; she don’t judge me. When I initially filled out the Rental Application, I had to admit I had just been evicted from my last digs.

She said, “We don’t get too worried ‘bout stuff like that. You got money for move-in costs?”

“Yep. Sure do.”

(Thanks to the BEST Girl-Friend in My Known Universe: Roberta)

“Sign here and welcome to the neighborhood.”

‘Marriage’ made in Heaven.

An aside: About a week after I had taken up residence, The Manager and her Co-Manager brought me a micro-wave oven which had been left behind by some former tenant AND also a whole bag of ‘Goodies’—cleaning products, microwave popcorn, dish-towels, et-cetera.

I could not wrap my mind around such human kindness—surely I was dreaming—turns out, I wasn’t. It was all too for real.

Seems I had finally found me a home.

Street Cred: Buffett


Oh, You may ask,

 “Lance, where is the ‘Stream O’ Consciousness?’ This post seems too contrived—too Convoluted, too thought out.”

“Relax. It’s coming–The Un-Convoluted Part

To be continued…

I tried real Hard to Make a Magical Mystery Tour Vid of my New Apartment, but I guess I’m too frickin’ STUPID to make that work.

I’m a genius with computers,

‘Made’ This one–By Hand:

but phones fu*k up my mind–I guess I need a ten year old daughter to help me–On my ‘to-do’ list:

Make me a ten-year-old daughter.

What?! Too late, you say?!

Well Shit!

Anyway, for what it’s worth, here are a few photos:

Le Boudoir

The Galley

The ‘Hemingway’ Desk

My Single Bed

“Hey! I wanna Love You–in my Single Bed!”

(Sorry Bob)

Le ‘Room, Wife of Bath’

To Be Continued

Or Not

Probably Not.

On This Blog You Don’t Pay No Money, You don’t Take Your Chances–

Please Note: I Do NOT Take No Dollars From Advertising Pukes–EVER!

Just Wanted to Remind Y’all

Of That



Street Cred: hawkwyd

And Yes! I Love Everything About Cats!