Category Archives: Madness

Back in the Day: Dead Guppies & Dying Dreams

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Back when Roberta and I were a ‘serious item’ I was living in an Old Rent House (Which belonged to one of my University Profs whom I used to screw (on the side—whenever she found herself back in town. She had moved to Arizona—‘nother long story) She was somewhat of a ‘Cougar.’

I suppose Robera was too, but she didn’t have the smarts to pull it off..so we just remained in platonic love–for 30 years and still counting

Anyway, I spent one Summer building huge cabinets for my aquariums.

There was an empty room in the old house. I was gonna make it into a Public Aquarium for the Good People of Commerce

Purchased a one-hundred and ten gallon tank for my ‘Centerpiece.’ One drunken day, I man-handled it into my recently finished cabinet And then just stared at it… for hours–imagining how wonderful I was gonna make it

Roberta caught me there and cussed me roundly for being idle.

But I was NOT iidle: I was fleshing out ideas in my head This was my ambition. No way The ‘Berta could understand this.

But Roberta was a real ‘trooper’

We spent many afternoons scouring the local creeks searching for river rocks and drift wood for the aquarium I was building.

I wasn’t trying to make money; I just wanted to share my fish tank talent of creating beautiful fishy eco-system utopias talent for the town I loved living in.

Good People in Commerce back in those days.

But inevitably, wine got in the way and I bugged out for Iraq.

Commerce never got its Public Aquarium, but my intentions were honorable.

I just got overtaken by events

(Only viable excuse I can muster)

RELATED:

DEAD GUPPY

EVEN MORE RELATED:

Sometimes There Just Aren’t Enuff Crud Eaters (A Rewite)

I am nuts—Cray-Cray—But I have discovered Someone Even More Nuts Than Me.

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Aubrey Plaza.

I love her.
She is insane (In That Good Way)
*****

Funny How it has taken me so long to swerve into her…
But I am here now. Wholly on-Board with her quirkiness and her cray-cray
‘Better late than never’ I suppose.
“Lucky for you Aubrey, that I am an old Fuk, otherwise, I would be stalking you.”
With a heart-felt and relentless passion

PAIN IN THE NECK

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Video Credit: ABKCOVEVO

*******

So I woke up few days ago with excruciating pain in my neck.

I immediately attributed this to the dream I had been having about THE MOST FLAGRANT Pain-in-my-neck I had ever experienced:

MY LAST WIFE

She was ALWAYS A PAIN IN MY NECK

I left her.

She was also a PAIN IN THE ASS

I FINALLY left her.

Happily I did not wake up with a Pain in My Ass:

Thank God for Tender Mercies:

(Probably could not have dealt with the “Double-Whammy.”)

No, the excruciating pain in my neck t’would serve well enough.

And it was horrible: debilitating.

I did not know whether to shit or go blind, or commit suicide.

That is HOW PAINFUL it was.

Tried to knock it back with booze

BC Powder

Advil

No Dice.

I suffered for three days.

Now, those of you  who are faithful readers of this Blog-Oh-Mine know that I am no pussy: I went to

Navy SEAL Training:

Twice.

But this PAIN was kicking my ass.

Then my platonic  Girl Friend of thirty some-odd years FedExed me a heating pad.

This helped and the pain began to subside.

I still cannot move my neck properly, but most of the PAIN has left the building.

“What a drag it is getting old.”

Sometimes you just bend over or pour a beer or pick up an errant sock and something breaks in your body. For no logical, discernable  reason.

I suppose it is called “Old Age.”

Sucks.

Really sucks.

Is this how it is to end for me?

Coming unraveled and dying, just by picking up a sock off the floor?

******

Some Added Value Below (Because My aim is to entertain My Readers)

And not waste your valuable finite time.

Lance Living Large In The Lion’s Den

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Try a little kindness

This is just too rich not to share

Something really bizarre and wonderful just happened to me.

There was a loud knock upon my door. I figured it was Timothy wanting to beg a beer.

I got up and looked out the peep hole. Wasn’t Tim. It was a lady riding one of those golf-carts for invalids.

I opened the door. Hanging from my door knob was a Walmart bag. Lady glanced at it, said, “I deliver food here; it is bread and ham.”

I was so shocked that I blurted out, “God Bless You.” (Me, the Atheist) But it seemed apropos for the situation.

There are still good people in this world.

I hope I am one of them

(I feel blessed, though I probably do not deserve it)

Try a little kindness; it does a body good.

I ask for nothing from no one, because I am an asshole. I do not put up with bullshit in my life.

Ever

But when someone is unsolicited nice to me, it moves me and touches my heart. And I am grateful and honoured to be sharing their air.

Never forget: We are all in this Game Together

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

We are Humanity

That is Our Fatal Flaw

And our Blessing

ASSHOLES! SLAMMING DOORS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

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And Therefore Disrupting My State of Somnambulistic Glorious Oblivious Glee.

Just trying to catch a few Z’s here.
Slamming Doors!
Why??? What the fuck??? Why must you do this???
I live here in the Lion’s Den Apartments as quiet as a Church Mouse.
I know how to open and close a fucking door without awakening the dead.
Because I RESPECT my neighbors. And their right to peace and quiet.
Apparently I am THE ONLY ONE who exhibits this level of RESPECT!

****
To my LOUD – ASS, Inconsiderate Neighbors:
YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!!!

Go FUCK Yourselves!

But please endeavor to do it quietly

Thanks in advance

ASSHOLES!

Otherwise…

Ram it, Ram it, Ram it up your Poop Chute

Things That Go Bump In My Night

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Zero four hundred hours and I am taking (trying to) take a nap.

Bang! Clang! Bump! Crash! Boom!

All of this emanating from my next-door neighbor, Timothy’s apartment.

Our shared wall separating us was shaking, vibrating.

I got out of bed, opened my back door expecting to see police cars or ambulances arriving.

Nope

All quiet on The Commerce Lion’s Den Front

I think I should stop giving Timothy free beer; he may have a problem with booze.

I did not ‘check’ on him because this is how I live my life:

I mind my own business.