Tag Archives: Rants

Y’all Wanna Know The Worst Tactile Sensation Ever?

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Shitter.png

 

Of course you do.

It is when you go to flush the toilet and that handle snarls back at you, rather limp-wrist’d, as if to say,

“Not tonight Asshole. Go back to sleep.”

(Now, in some truth, I could probably improve this post. For example: I should not have referenced ‘limp wrists”. In truth, y’all know how it is when you go to flush that toilet and there just ain’t no resistance. “Limp Wrists’ was just about all I could manage at the time of publishing…. (Isn’t that funny? Like I am a fucking news paper?) Dead-lines!

Some one shoot me!

(Make it quake! Head Shot! Right thru the mouth–or better…the mouse.)

God and some foll’ers will thank  you.

Foretelling  ‘Foreboding’ (See? I tend to edit as as I go… My father once tole me, “Lance! Enuff! Enough! It takes an editor to be smart; that is why we make more monies.”) some deep sea-toilet trolling (trolling?)  diving to fix.

Yeah…

Really?

Don’t think so.

Maybe tomorrow…

(There are three (other) toilets in this ‘Mouse-House’)

“So, fuck off.”

(My toilet did not reply)

Yes,  I talk to my toilet… don’t we all?

“Take your hand off that mouse Mister! Don’t make me come over there.”

“Yessir! Please don’t shoot me; I’m just the piano-player.”

“Sounds like bullshit to me. What do you think, Jim?”

“Yeah. Bullshit. Shoot him.”

“OK.”

Bang! Bang!

“He gone.”

(Sorry, Si Robertson; some of this … this is probably out-of-context)

Then again…

Maybe not.

We will not even begin to speak about your brother.

Damnit! I miss Christopher Hitchens!

 

Even more embarrassing:

You know the toilet is broke dick dog.

Yet…

You still try to ‘visit.’

And it takes three tries to get into the door.

(Yet, it is a really small door–just sayin’– and not so easily navigated, drunk nor sober)

Only to be so disappointed (yet again) over the the whole toilet experience.

OK.

Fine!

Resist?

Naw!

Below, please discover Lenny’s take on toilet-training.

(and of course: entertaining, or reasonable facsimile)

 

OKAY!

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I have a serious bug-up-my-butt!

And…

I am only going to say this once (Thank Baby Hey-Zeus!)

The People Who Died On Nine – Eleven

Were NOT Heros!

THEY were VICTIMS!

That is ALL THEY Were!

Victims.

Now! 

Let us revenge  avenge them!

Ed. Note: Of course the first responders Were, nay ARE Heroes and shall always remain such. And as Mark pointed out so were those civilians inside the towers who gave their lives trying to help their fellows escape. When I refer to ‘victims’ I am referring to the ninety percent who were just doing what we all do everyday: We get up, go to work, come home, kiss the significant other, pet the dog or the cat or the goldfish, and then next day, rinse and repeat.  They were just innocent victims.

And I have been to war, and revenge is lame and not really strategic.

Nor magic.

It is just… death.

(You figger out my meaning)

I am done here.

Cheers!

Lanc’d

P.S. If anyone out there knows history of the Mid East….

I invite debate.

And I worked so hard… to get the “Stray Cat Shuffle” for y’all. And here it was, right here, all along:

And for some YouTube Reasons the above link don’t work: try the one below.

(Yeah! I am pissed at technol–Oh Gee!)

Try again.

Don’t give up,

And remember: if your computer is ‘broken’, re-boot. 

Solves ninety nine per-cent of problems…

These word ‘O’h  These words!

From an’ old computer geek.

(And no! I never envisioned that day, that day, whereby, I would even think, let alone, utter, those words. Guess I have come full circle.)

SHIT!

http://wp.me/p2Yfgl-1co

 

 

 

Hamas, Gaza, IDF, Israel, Intifada, and U.S. (us) And why we should care (?)

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Some of you may know of my history in the Mideast.  Most of you may not.  Some of you may know I get emotional about issues.

Some of you may not.

Some of you may give a shit.

Some of you may not.

No matter: I don’t have a dog in this fight: The current Fight between Hamas and the IDF (Israel)… Actually, I did, once upon a time, have a dog.  He died. But that was many moons ago.

And we did/didn’t call in the dogs back then: the ‘Fight Between the PLO and Israel’… “Let ’em duke it out!”

–Ronald Reagan, “et them all, et tu, Brutus?”

And about who could wrap some arms about Yasser Arafat?  No one. Not even Ronnie. Then he (Arafat) became ‘Rocky Balboa’ to some of rest of the world. Yes! Fast forward… but who among the thinking of us and the remembering of us, can ever forget

Munich in ’72?

Munich

And I was on the ‘good’ side.

I was for the ‘Home’ Team: Israel! Nineteen Sixty Seven! The shining moment of the IDF! Just like the Lord: ‘Fought for Six Days and Rested on the Seventh.”

“Didn’t them Jews kick the ever-lovin’ shit outta them A-Rabs?! Fought for Six Days…”

Biblical! (Yay God! and Madison Ave…)

Then I learned to read (and listen)

Point is:

I, as most of us (I hope) want the killing to STOP. It hit ‘Home’ today when I went to buy a beer. There were Palestinians in the road… In Memphis America! They were not happy. Unhappy Palestinians. Goddamn Right! They were unhappy! In Memphis!

I do not blame them. I am not happy either, but that said, Israel has some right to defend… don’t they? If you would like to argue, I welcome that, as I, more than some of you out there, have lived on both sides of that pond. And on both sides of that issue.

I have driven through Gaza. Too many times. I have seen the refugee camps. The poverty.

And I had intimate sex (is there any other kind?) with an Israeli Sabra, of Yemenite ‘distraction’ (i.e., she was Arab: Arab Jew) More than twice… Yet that sex did not prejudice me… (Well, maybe it did… just a little)

Putting sex aside, I know some politic, especially when it comes to Israel and Islam.

I have been on both sides.

Call me out, yet consider that I am foremost and always just a simple Texan.

So, be nice (or not)

Peace

Another Petty Tyrant. Damn.

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I am re-blogging this simply because I love anything Jimmy Buffett.
And oh yeah! I almost forgot: Because HappyHeathen rocks!
Go there. Learn some shit.

happierheathen

A while back I introduced two of my clients, one who does e-commerce and another who, as part of her business, builds web sites based upon this here WordPress contraption. I’d explained in clear terms to the chief excremental orificer of the first why I consider it a monumental mistake to use WordPress in their application, but he insisted that it had to be so I introduced the two. I’d never had an ounce of trouble out of the first client, and I am impressed with the work of the second, so it seemed a good way to do them both a good turn and improve my karma.

I now regret doing it. I had no idea that the chief excremental orificer guy was a raging, control freaking, power playing asshole. I rarely deal with him, as I usually talk to his office manager who’s always been cheerful and pleasant with me —…

View original post 1,649 more words

I got an email from Lenny Bruce

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Yes.

Today.

It was rather singed about the edges (not sure why), but I was able to resurrect most of it, and I with sincere humility transcribe it here:

 Dear Mister Marcom (I love it when I am called ‘Mister’)

Mister Marcom,

I am certainly honored that you continue to plagiarize my work.

However, you do not seem to be getting much ‘play’.

Perhaps you need to advertise.

(or just fuck off and call it a ‘draw’. You choose.)

Has been my experience that contempoursely contemporary shit sells better. Maybe you should just go with Sarah? Hell! All us Jews look alike, n’est-ce-pas?

And of course I just had to hit that ‘reply’ button:

Dear Mister Bruce,

Hey! How’s the weather?

Frivolities out of the way…

I will continue to ‘Post’ You

And, yes, Sarah too

And thanks for the pepperoni.

Yer Fan,

Lancers

Here is a toilet

Boil it

Enjoy it

“I am screwed; I speak English.”

lenny_bruce

 

 

 

Spring Clinging

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My Blog is no longer an aversion

Nor a version

of a virgin

Therefore, since I am leaving soon

(Insha’Allah.. Joke: probably get killed for that one–Y’all know who I am here and on which side I fall upon–Atheist) I am not for lack of a term: ‘an Evangelical Atheist’. I do not care what you believe or don’t believe. My only further statement is atheists can be moral and good people, just like theists. We can also be immoral and bad people, just like theists. And we can be some kind of combination of the two; just like theists.

Hopefully, that above statement loses me not any of my followers (save one: my mother), But if so this is Karma (and no! I am not Buddhist nor Hindi either), then I will adopt the philosophy of a great ‘blogger-man’ I admire, respect, follow, and really despise:

http://aopinionatedman.com/ (ed note: May, 31st: I am no longer a fan of the Lemmings. i.e., I do not follow OM no mas, mainly because even I, cannot be that charitable) And that is all I am gonna say ’bout that. If you want some more piercing eloquence of the subject, I happily direct you to ‘The shitstorm that is my life: (she is brilliance in a bottle:

http://theshitshowthatismylife.com/

We differ, but we are kindred in our discourse of difference. Opinionated Man says this, and I quote:

“My goal with this blog is to offend everyone in the world at least once with my words… so no one has a reason to have a heightened sense of themselves. We are all ignorant, we are all found wanting, we are all bad people sometimes.”

Now. This is not in my manifesto, but I do find me subscribing to it more and more, day by day. Not sure why, but I do think OM has a valid point here: He writes for HIM.

This, I understand. And this is my new path. (Now all I need do is find some more followers… to hit the trail with me 😉 )

But Imagine:

Try to

Therefore in the spirit of cleaning up hard disk drive space, I have nominated this post (the one on the next page–The ‘Hitch-Slap’ will remain as long as I have electricity and an internet connection) for permanent removal. (though I Love it daily..er…dearly..especially the video clip”

Drum Roll Please!

I  heretofore nominate this post…

To be… In the Hunger Games!

As tribute.

What say you?!

Read it and kiss it’s ass goodbye!

Credit: Moki John

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU8vs5ndzUv3ku6N2lm-ywA

“I’m just a simple sailor Son…

Credit: Lance (But you knew that)

Continue reading →

Complex Folks

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We are all of us, complicated, yet worthy people.

We have our own foibles, our own agendas.

We are worthy.

Honestly, I am fresh out (of agendas)

Yet here I am chastising you for having same.

Or none.

Worth is just a worthless word to me.

I know this now.

This post will self-destruct in ten minutes, as it is just a worthless rant.

And most sincerely, not worth a cup of spit.

Catch Y’all manana.

(That’s Spanish)

I think.

–Lance, Your Worthy Servant.

P.S. I think what my worthless diatribe was trying so eloquently to say… was that I love my fellow writer community. We all have worth. (Well except for that worthless schmuck who don’t like Lenny Bruce… and ya know I am even just kidding on that)

Kinda

Not Really

Never

Well, I just got back from New York city; Kris and Rita done it all

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“Rita Coolidge, Rita Coolidge cleft for me”

ritacoolidgeandkrisk.jpg

–Willie Nelson

Since it is still Texas Independence Day, I am gonna continue to bombast my Blog with Texans I admire.

Here is (in my mind) one of the greatest (and most misunderstood and underrated) Texans: Kris Kristofferson, Rhode’s Scholar, ruffian, redneck, poet.

He married well. Too bad it didn’t take. Rita Coolidge! He should have found a way to make that work…