Dirty Toilet Jokes: I Cussed My Toilet Out. Then I Felt Remorse. Apologized. I Dialed 911. When the EMT’s Arrived, They Were NOT Amused.
The Toilet Song by The Wiggles
Animation by Super Simple Songs
Of course you do.
It is when you go to flush the toilet and that handle snarls back at you, rather limp-wrist’d, as if to say,
“Not tonight Asshole. Go back to sleep.”
(Now, in some truth, I could probably improve this post. For example: I should not have referenced ‘limp wrists”. In truth, y’all know how it is when you go to flush that toilet and there just ain’t no resistance. “Limp Wrists’ was just about all I could manage at the time of publishing…. (Isn’t that funny? Like I am a fucking news paper?) Dead-lines!
Some one shoot me!
(Make it quick! Head Shot! Right thru the mouth–or better…the mouse.)
God and some foll’ers will thank you.
Foretelling ‘Foreboding’ (See? I tend to edit as as I go… My father once tole me, “Lance! Enuff! Enough! It takes an editor to be smart; that is why we make more monies.”) some deep sea-toilet trolling (trolling?) diving to fix.
Yeah…
Really?
Don’t think so.
Maybe tomorrow…
(There are three (other) toilets in this ‘Mouse-House’)
“So, fuck off.”
(My toilet did not reply)
Yes, I talk to my toilet… don’t we all?
“Take your hand off that mouse Mister! Don’t make me come over there.”
“Yessir! Please don’t shoot me; I’m just the piano-player.”
“Sounds like bullshit to me. What do you think, Jim?”
“Yeah. Bullshit. Shoot him.”
“OK.”
Bang! Bang!
“He gone.”
(Sorry, Si Robertson; some of this … this is probably out-of-context)
Then again…
Maybe not.
We will not even begin to speak about your brother.
Damnit! I miss Christopher Hitchens!
Even more embarrassing
Been There….
Did That
At least More Than Thrice
But Who’s Countin’
Right?
You know the toilet is broke dick dog.
Yet…
You still try to ‘visit.’
And it takes three tries to get into the door.
(Yet, it is a really small door–just sayin’– and not so easily navigated, drunk nor sober)
Only to be so disappointed (yet again) over the the whole toilet experience.
OK.
Fine!
Resist?
Naw!
Below, please discover Lenny’s take on toilet-training.
(and of course: entertaining, or reasonable facsimile)
“Take This Toilet And Boil It.”
(Watch/Listen Below. Otherwise it all just falls apart)
This was yet another ancient post marked for ‘Make-Over.’
Now this has been accomplished, albeit with a ‘soft’, ‘light’ finger on that ‘delete key.’
It was not my intent to change much about the original post in general, nor the ‘message’ in particular. My desire was mainly to bring it up to speed vis-à-vis my 2021 ‘Higher Production Standards’.
(That’s ‘tongue-in-cheek’, by the way, as if Y’all don’t already know this! Hahaha!)
This next is Not ‘tongue-in-cheek,’ however. It is sincerely serious.
When I originally ‘penned’ the post I was a little frustrated over ‘Bot’ likes and also, as I called them, ‘Drive-By Likers’ You know the breed (Even If you have been blogging only a short while).
The ‘Drive-By Liker’ surfs the WP Reader page and likes damn near everything, in an attempt, I surmise, to generate interest and traffic in His/Hers/Other’s blog site.
This used to piss me off.
Now it doesn’t.
Because I am more and more maturely humble these days as I find myself on ‘The Back Nine of Life’
And so now I give all the ‘Likes’ the benefit of my doubt and just appreciate them for what they are.
Long lost AbusiveMuse sent me this email. (Rememberher? I’ll drop her in at the end as an ‘Added Value Bonus Bit’.)
“Lance! Someone took the time to drop a ‘like’on your dumb ass. Be Happy with it! Never look a ‘Gift Like’ in the Mouth. Print it out and fuckin’ frame it. Put it on your “I Like Me Wall” along with all the other ‘Real-Life’ bullshit accolades and awards you have dragged around with you over all these years. Fer Chrissakes! Get over yourself!”
“Love Ya. Mean it.”
–Ms Muse
***
Not everyone has time, nor even inclination to comment on every bloody post they ‘like’. I understand this now. That is just how some folks roll.
On the other hand, I will, ninety-nine percent of the time, leave a comment on every post I have liked.
This certainly does not mean I am the ‘better, kinder, gentler blogger.’ It just means that That is How I choose to Roll.
We are all different, unique, and worthy-of-respect individuals, and we approach blogging each to our own ends, and according to own philosophies (I have written extensively on this of late. See attached below: “Worthy Writers”)
I wanted it to be a fun, light-hearted, whimsical way for me to bitch, moan, and complain about a personal ‘Pet Peeve’ of mine.
I think I came close to accomplishing my goal back then. I have copy-pasta’d the comments from the original post at the bottom of this one.
But I had also posted some other posts related to the subject, which were a little more, shall we say, ‘direct-to-the meat’ of the matter.
“More matter, less art” as Gertrude said to Polonius in “Hamlet”.
I’d skip those old posts if I were you. I am certainly not proud of them.
Okay, there may be one or two exceptions to what I just wrote above. This below might be one of them. I had forgotten about it. I find it kind of endearing. You may too.
I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things, reading and writing and commenting being very close to the top of my ‘Opinion Hit Parade.’ Not always have I expressed these opinions in a respectful way.
I am working more and more toward the ‘respectful way’ of expressing my opinions these days. Lord knows, we have too much vitriol in our world to deal with already.
I do Not wish to contribute to That and if you catch me ‘back-sliding’, please call me out on it.
Respectfully,
Mister Lance ‘Eddie’ Marcom
***
Alright!After All That ‘Preamble’and if You-Are-Still-Here…
Here is the post I have been trying to post:
“A like is a like of course of course
“And everyone loves a like of course
“Unless of course
“The like is from the Famous Mister Ed…
(Who is just a horse and not a real person)
“Go right to the source and ask the horse…
“Do you read before you enforce
“That this is a post that you’d endorse?
“He’s always on a steady course…
“Talk to Mister Ed.”
Readers!
Readers!
“My Kingdom! For Readers!”
This rant is certainly not directed at those of you who actually read my scribblings. It is directed at those few, those happy few who… Never mind:
Y’all catch my drift, as I am certainly not the only one who experiences this.
And in Closing, Allow Me To Say This About That:
Please Don’t Hesitate To “Like” A Post Of Mine Now Because You Mistakenly Assume I Will Be Wondering,
“Where Is The Frickin’ Comment?”
I No Longer Think That Way
So ‘Like’ Away!!
Cheers To All My Good Friends Out There in ‘Radio Land’.
****
Comments from the original post below. (Best to start at the bottom and read your way up. Makes more sense that way.)
***
LAMarcom June 18, 2014 at 18:37 Edit
And likewise.
🙂
janeybgood June 18, 2014 at 15:53 Edit
No problem Lance, I’m glad to “meet” you 🙂
LAMarcom June 18, 2014 at 15:46 Edit
Bona-fide speed reader!
Awesome (I read fast too and sometimes I also out-type my brain, which can have unfortunate consequences….at times)
😉
Thank you very much for your visits and commentary.
Always makes my day to have feedback.
Cheers,
-Lance
janeybgood June 18, 2014 at 15:41 Edit
Believe if or not, I did read it that quickly because I’m just that good 🙂
Succinct and brilliant! I,like, totally liked it.
Teela Hart June 7, 2014 at 03:24 Edit
🙂
LAMarcom June 6, 2014 at 08:29 Edit
Of course.
😉
Teela Hart June 6, 2014 at 06:40 Edit
I’ve always loved Mr. Ed.
And a comment is a comment of course of course. 😀
LAMarcom June 6, 2014 at 00:18 Edit
Funny paradox, ain’t it? Catch 22?
LAMarcom June 6, 2014 at 00:15 Edit
Exactly how my mind works!
Hahahaha
Yep
Thanks for not being a ‘bot’.
Laughing. See? You made me laugh.
Now here is your token for a free Lone Star Beer redeemable at Lackland O Club only.
😉
happierheathen June 6, 2014 at 00:08 Edit
So, then, you’re writing for those who never read your stuff so won’t know of it anyway. It makes perfect sense to me.
Some of you may know of my history in the Mideast. Most of you may not. Some of you may know I get emotional about issues.
Some of you may not.
Some of you may give a shit.
Some of you may not.
I flip a coin
It comes down on both sides.
It lands on edge and remains thus…
For ever.
No matter: I don’t have a dog in this fight: The current Fight between Hamas and the IDF (Israel)… Actually, I did, once upon a time, have a dog. He died. But that was many moons ago.
And we did/didn’t call in the dogs back then: the ‘Fight Between the PLO and Israel’… “Let ’em duke it out!”
–Ronald Reagan, “et them all, et tu, Brutus?”
And about who could wrap some arms about Yasser Arafat? No one. Not even Ronnie. Then he (Arafat) became ‘Rocky Balboa’ to some of rest of the world. Yes! Fast forward… but who among the thinking of us and the remembering of us, can ever forget
Munich in ’72?
And I was on the ‘good’ side.
I was for the ‘Home’ Team: Israel! Nineteen Sixty Seven! The shining moment of the IDF! Just like the Lord: ‘Fought for Six Days and Rested on the Seventh.”
“Didn’t them Jews kick the ever-lovin’ shit outta them A-Rabs?! Fought for Six Days…”
Biblical! (Yay God! and Madison Ave…)
Then I learned to read (and listen)
Point is:
I, as most of us (I hope) want the killing to STOP. It hit ‘Home’ today when I went to buy a beer. There were Palestinians in the road… In Memphis America! They were not happy. Unhappy Palestinians. Goddamn Right! They were unhappy! In Memphis!
I do not blame them. I am not happy either, but that said, Israel has some right to defend… don’t they? If you would like to argue, I welcome that, as I, more than some of you out there, have lived on both sides of that pond. And on both sides of that issue.
I have driven through Gaza. Too many times. I have seen the refugee camps. The poverty.
And I had intimate sex (is there any other kind?) with an Israeli Sabra, of Yemenite ‘distraction’ (i.e., she was Arab: Arab Jew) More than twice… Yet that sex did not prejudice me… (Well, maybe it did… just a little)
Putting sex aside, I know some politic, especially when it comes to Israel and Islam.
I have been on both sides.
Call me out, yet consider that I am foremost and always just a simple Texan.
