Category Archives: Religion

I Want Another Jewish Princess

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Reminiscing about my rebound lover from my living in Israel days…

After That Moroccan Bitch Gladys had dumped me,

I found a new, better girl.

Her name was ‘Alanna’

 And she was beautiful—very, very, VERY beautiful.

First time I saw her I was smitten like a kitten.

She had very long dark hair and even darker eyes.

She was a Yemenite Jew Witch—She could turn frogs into wine.

Problem was, not too many frogs to be found in Israel.

We searched and searched

Alas. No frogs.

So just ended up purchasing wine from the store.

No shit.

And I loved her (briefly)

She was one of my for all-time best lovers.

(I should have married HER instead of some of the broads I later married)

I always smile inside when I remember her.

Song Below: Click it if you dare.

Israel: My Favorite Country (aside from TEXAS)

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So Iran is pissed off at Israel.

Threatening Israel.

HEY IRAN! FUCK AROUND. FIND OUT!

Israel has the strongest, best military in the Mideast. They have the fiercest soldiers. They have the best technology. What you gonna do Iran? Throw rocks against nukes?

Good fucking luck with that.

As anyone who knows me, knows I lived in that region for three years. I had a flat in Tel Aviv. I KNOW these people.

FUCK WITH THEM AT YOUR DESERVED PERIL

They don’t fuck around.

They don’t play.

Watch your Khomeini Ass

And just in case you happen to be “uneducated” and don’t ‘git’ me:

I’ll help you out:

“In the UK, you’re more likely to hear the word “flat” used interchangeably with “apartment.”

You’re welcome

Pandora, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World…

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Content cred: Julie Nolke

*Ring Ring*

“Hello? “Is this GOD?” (My Phone Was Glowing–Natural Assumption–I knew instinctively it was not The BatMan. As we have been ‘On The Outs’ Ever Since I accused him of Fucking ‘The Boy Wonder”–Long story)

So, It must be God: He is the only one who ever calls me.

*Pregnant Pause*

So I repeated my question:

“Is this God?”

“Yes it is, My Son.”

“I ain’t your Son. That would be that ‘other’ guy.”

“Oh Sorry, Hey Zeus is the only one who ever calls me. What’s on your mind, My ‘Friend’? Oh wait! I called you. You seem to be stressed out these days.”

“I just have a couple of quick, simple questions.”

“Go on…”

“Why did you create gnats?”

God said, “Ask Pandora.”

So I asked, “What’s up with this WuFlu? This part of your ‘Devine Plan?'”

Then GOD hung up on me.

What an asshole.

****

Much More Julie:

And For reference:

Faith

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Religion.

Specifically: Southern Religion

More specifically: Texan Religion.

I am talking Methodists, Baptists, Church of Chist(ers)—the Entire Gamut of The Faithful.

I love all of Y’all.

No secret: “Lance is an Atheist.”

(This is well-documented.)

However, I do love AND RESPECT

All Folks of Faith.

I just do not roll that way.

Cannot.

But I love the music.

And I love the morality

(I have that too— ‘morality’—I do not need Religion to have that)

I love the culture of Faith.

I never mean to demean anyone of Faith.

My fervent wish is to never offend.

I have too much respect for Folks of Faith.

Too much respect For Fellow Texans,

most of whom are Religious.

(I was going somewhere with this post)

Probably to Hell.

******

Post Script:

I have read ‘The Iliad’

And ‘The Odyssey’

And All The Norsemen—Thor–in particular.

I have read ‘Beowulf’

And The ‘King James Bible.’

All Great Mythology.

All Magnificent Literature.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I know what I’m talking about.

(“One of these days I’ll look back and I’ll say I left in time.”)

Texas is Hell on Women and Horses (And Alcoholics)

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I am struggling.

Failing.

Flailing.

Just another dead fish.

Going with the flow.

Looking for distraction.

Abstract things to fill my mind.

And take me to some happier places.

Mostly Movies

But also music.

But the booze trumps all distractions.

And makes cowards of us all.

Such an evil mistress.

She gives and She takes.

(Mostly takes.)

Tries to take my life.

I will not go quietly into that good night.

No!

Not this Cowboy!

No!

I will fight the good fight.

I will WIN!

By The Grace of God!

(Funny that. Spoken by an Atheist)

(But Looks Good in Print.)

I will expand upon these Madness Thoughts  at some future date.

Please Stand by.

As an aside… and just to pass some time

In the interim:

“There’s a “Hallelujah!” on the lips of every dying man.”