I Have a Very Complicated Personal–Historical Relationship With Religion–Needless to Say–And Yes. I Have Been To The Holy Land, Jerusalem. Far Too Many Times to Count

I was ‘Moved’ in Jerusalem, but not by God.

Mostly ‘Moved’ by the Arab Street Vendors

Peddling their

‘Jesus Trinkets’

***

This Shall Be A WIP. I was Once a Christian in My Youth–Then I Grew Up. And Learned to Read. I Have Been to The ‘Holy’ Land! Have You?

R.E.M. – Losing My Religion

“That Was Just a Dream”

Then I Woke Up.

Cred for Vid Share: remhq

Give Me Some Time.

“You Are Not Me”

***

P.S. I LOVE Jerusalem

Two Missionaries Came, Un-Solicited A-Knocking, Actually Pounding, Rather Vociferously, at My Door–I Was Endeavoring to Take-A-Much-Needed Nap

Yet, I Aswered their Much needed / Heeded Call–Might Have Been a Damsel-in-Distress–For All I Knew…

Oh, Hell No!

Just two Morons!

“Oh Lord, Please Forgive Them—For They Know Not What They Do, Nor Who They Were Fukken With”

And of course I was Respectful–I am NOT a Complete Moron! Had They Been Mormons From Utah, I would have introduced them to the under-side of my boots, but these were Texans, and being same, deserved some semblance of my respect. I invited them in…

I AM Only a Half-Way Moron.

And Let Me ‘En-Lighten Y’all:

Neither One Looked Even Remotely Like Emmy Lou.

If’n They Had,

Things May have Gone Off Some-What Smoother for Them…

But, Alas.

I DID Try To Explain to These Two Idiots How Much I Respected Folks of Faith.

But I am an Atheist.

“Forever how long?” One inquired.

“Ever since I learned to read,” I responded.

Our ‘Conversation’ kinda went South after that.

FAITH:

There’s a Hallelujah on The Lips Of All Good Dyin’ Men

The High-Women

“Heaven is a Honky-Tonk”

My Relationship with ‘God’ is rather, shall we say, ‘Complicated’

Flew, Like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Right Over Their Heads…

Again, Alas. I gave Up

And then I Cordially Invited Them to Go Get Fu*kd

Emmylou!

I love You!

For You and You Alone,

I would go to Church

FAITH

Bull-Shit Department:

Cred: Carlin

****

NO! I Learned to Read

Story at Eleven

To Be Continued.

I Have Only Scratched the Surface of

This Holy Encounter

Stray Tuned

I am Re-Posting This For The Benefit of a Like-Minded Fellow Blogger–I Hope She Sees it.

“The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Sold” With My Humble (cough cough) Opinion

Joni Love Letter Thrown in at the End.

Tread Softly. And I’m sorry the text don’t line up properly with the images. WordPress is Stupid. I cannot fix stupid.

(Most likely offensive to ‘People of Faith’–read at your own annoyance) 

****

The Greatest Story Ever Told (If told at Woodstock)

(And seriously Y’all, y’all need to watch the video First)

But before we go there enter:

This Post Will PISS some people Off (IF I am doing my job)

However I do NOT want to Piss Anyone Off (Not my job)

Ambiguous? Yeah!

So, therefore, and furthermore, and forevermore: I put below the ‘continue reading’ button.

And don’t shoot me: I just play piano here… on Tuesdays… and for milk money… for the kids.

The video is germane. Watch it.

Cheers, Peace, Blessings, Love and Happiness & Joy (and I do mean all of that shit. Sincerely. Hey by the way, Anyone seen Joy? She was just here a minute ago…)

Cast of Characters:

Mary, Mother Mary, Virgin Mary, Mother of All Inventions.

Woodstock_Mary

Joseph, Joe, Just Plain Joe, Cuckold, Erstwhile Surrogate Father of Jesus.

Woodstock_Joeseph

Ya gotta love Joe. Ya just gotta.

Baby Jesus, aka Baby Hey Zeus, aka, Christmas… Pre-sents

Woodstock_Baby_Jesus

Not even gonna comment on this one, but, be my guest.

Woodstock_Saint_Peter

Saint Peter

Woodstock_Young_Jesus_Struggling_Musician

Jesus Playing with the Mothers of Immaculate Conception, circa 0014 AD

Jesus grew up; tried to make a living, Playing Gigs.

But then…

Father told him to hang a right at Albequerky: Go to Max Yasgur’s farm in Bethel; see the people they will love your act. (He said)

Jesus_Arrives_1

You Really Didn’t Believe That “Rode Into Town on an Ass” bit did you?

“Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his TV show? Fuck Yeah!”

No! Seriously,”

“Check it out”

Jesus_Arrives_2

“I’m There Dude!”

falwell

Brother Failwell

Then Dad said, “Go Preach Your Ass Off!

Woodstock_Sermon_On_The_Mount

Sermon on The Mount

(Chip off The Old Block)

And Jesus Said, “We’re there Dude! Just look at ‘em!”

Woodstock_Flock

Case Rested

Woodstock_Decided

Yay! Jesus!

“They’re eatin’ this shit up!
Hey! Judas! Come check this out!

Woodstock_Judas

Judas: Enema needing to Happen. “Nothing to see here; move along…”

Mary Mag! You too! (C’mere Baby!)”

“Sorry Dude. Busy. Get back to me, Yeah? Laters…BFF!”

“But Mary!? You carry… My Mom’s name! And now you tarry? Don’t make no sense!”

Woodstock_Mary_Mag2
“Ah shit!
Here come those Romanians Again! Don’t these people ever give up? Gotta go!”

Woodstock_The_Romans

I love the smell of burnt Jesus in the morning

“As God as My Wit-less-ness, I shall never be hungry again! (As long as I have these radishes)”

Last Supper

Last Toke, I mean Last Munchies

Woodstock_Last_Supper

Joe! Go Pick some Radishes. Jesus is hungry. And stop smokin’ that shit!

I did not put in The Crucifixion/Resurrection, (mainly because I don’t believe that shit and also because I could not find an example in the show) and also, mainly because at

Woodstock… drum roll please:

nobody had to die to save me.

It’s OK Jesus: I’m doin’ fine, but Thank You for askin’.

And Thank YOU to anyone who has travell’d this far with me.

Cheers,
Lance

 

Added Value: George Carlin vs. Religious Douchebag

In The Bullshit Department…

***

Bonus

Just for Fun:

CSN & Young

JONI!

Woodstock

She Wrote it

Didn’t ‘Physically’ live it

But as much as anybody

Embodied it

Duh

***

I can count on one hand and one toe

All the ways I can be made to be pissed off

I will not list all six

But

Know this:

At the top

Is

Being disrespectful

To

Joni

Do Not Go

There

Trust me

You will not like me

I will

Hurt

You

This Old Dead Post Has Been ‘Resurrected’ And ‘Re-Mastered’ LMFAO! Spring Clinging: Atheists For Jesus. Yay Jesus! You Rock My World! Just Kidding.

Hey-Zeus! Spike It In The END Zone Bro. Then Come On Back Down To Earth Son. Check Us Out. See How We’re Doin’ Now

Get off of your Cloud

Dazed and Confused. Say me–Shit! Wrong song ref

“Lance, rent a brain–Yours is Null and Void”

My Life is A Cloudy Day. Okay?

Cred for vid: ABKCOVEVO

Reba?! Girl! Okie Gal! Really?

I Knew You When… Back then

Back when you were interesting

Now you’re just boring

“Come Back To God”

News Flash For Ya Reba McEntire: I was never ‘with’ YOUR God. Not in that ‘Biblical Sense’ nor any other kind of sense. Religion Is All Non-Sense

Boz My Man!

“Lowdown”

Jesus, it’s only been 2000+ years, For Christ’s Sake! (Sorry)

WTF else you got to do?

Count YOUR ‘Blessings? Play checkers with Daddy? Rest on your laurels? One and Done. That all you got?

What a gyp

Under achiever?

Or just lazy?

Lazy

Thought so. Well Man And Womankind need you to get up off yer laissez faire ass recliner-cloud and fulfill all them fake promises & Dry Dreams you promised. Been to Earth lately Jesus? Things are pretty fucked up is all I’m sayin’.

And P.S. I still love You Jesus. As a Good Man. Not as a Deity

Oh, and by the way Jesus, when I die, you gonna bring me back for a ‘do-over’?

No? Then you are of no use to me. Don’t let the manger door hit yer ass on your way out (That one you rode in on halfway to Jerusalem) Oh, and I have always wondered, was that ass a purchase or a rental?

Shalom & Allahu Akbar

Silent Eyes

Halfway to Jerusalem

(Yes. Your ‘Humble’ Author has been to Jerusalem–Many Times)

****

 

My Blog is no longer an aversion

Nor a version

of a virgin

Therefore, since I am leaving soon

(Insha’Allah.. Joke: probably get killed for that one–Y’all know who I am here and on which side I fall upon–Atheist) I am not for lack of a term: ‘an Evangelical Atheist’.

I do not care what you believe or don’t believe. My only further statement is atheists can be moral and good people, just like theists. We can also be immoral and bad people, just like theists. And we can be some kind of combination of the two; just like theists.

Hopefully, that above statement loses me not any of my followers (save one: my mother), But if so this is Karma (and no! I am not Buddhist nor Hindi either), then I will adopt the philosophy of a great ‘blogger-man’ I admire, respect, follow, and really despise:

http://aopinionatedman.com/ (ed note: May, 31st: I am no longer a fan of the Lemmings. i.e., I do not follow OM no mas, mainly because even I, cannot be that charitable) And that is all I am gonna say ’bout that. If you want some more piercing eloquence of the subject, I happily direct you to ‘The shitstorm that is my life: (she is brilliance in a bottle:

We differ, but we are kindred in our discourse of difference. Opinionated Man says this, and I quote:

“My goal with this blog is to offend everyone in the world at least once with my words… so no one has a reason to have a heightened sense of themselves. We are all ignorant, we are all found wanting, we are all bad people sometimes.”

Now. This is not in my manifesto, but I do find me subscribing to it more and more, day by day. Not sure why, but I do think OM has a valid point here: He writes for HIM.

This, I understand. And this is my new path. (Now all I need do is find some more followers… to hit the trail with me 😉 )

But Imagine:

Try to

Therefore in the spirit of cleaning up hard disk drive space, I have nominated this post (the one on the next page–The ‘Hitch-Slap’ will remain as long as I have electricity and an internet connection) for permanent removal. (though I Love it daily..er…dearly..especially the video clip”

Drum Roll Please!

I  heretofore nominate this post…

To be… In the Hunger Games!

As tribute.

What say you?!

Read it and kiss it’s ass goodbye!

Credit: Moki John

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU8vs5ndzUv3ku6N2lm-ywA

“I’m just a simple sailor Son…

Credit: Lance (But you knew that)

Continue reading

I Should NOT Re-Post This, But Guess What? Post is a Little Wonky BeCuz… Fu*cK’d-UP WordPress! I DID try however!

Re-DAS-Boot “And Lenny (and Christopher) Lives (again) Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid (sic)” I did Manage to Add Some NEW Shit to this One Though WP was Kickin’ and Screamin’!

Below please find today’s bit:

(May be offensive to people of faith)

(If you are religious, you may have swerved into the wrong page.)

Even that statement is wrong. It presupposes that religious folk do not have a sense of humor, or that they are intolerant of not-religious folk. I know of only one religion which is totally intolerant and not open to sense of humor. I don’t need to name it, but we all know its name (Shhh…. Don’t tell. But it starts with an M and ends with an ‘um’.   Yeah! You guessed it: Methodist-um”

(Now I know, I have been uncharacteristically silent on the ISIS CRISIS in specific and ‘Religion Poisons Ever’Thing’ in General. I am ‘back-building’, much like that volcano in Iceland. What you may experience here, today, is just a fissure, impotently  spewing. ‘Fissuring’, if you will. Don’t worry: The Big Bang is coming folks and it ain’t gonna be nothin’ nice.)

Shhhhh…. don’t tell. Keep yer head, and yer wits, and yer tits, and yer clits about you.

So… Don’t speak. Bad for your health: ‘Speaking.’

Listen / Watch Here Below: And Christopher’s last line (in case you missed it)

“Stay cool.” 

So ‘be cool’ and watch it, for it is timely, given our present present.

Video Credit:

therealtalkpolitics

The Lenny Bit (Religion Inc) Listen if You Please:

Oral_Sucker_Born

Oral Roberts

Billy_Time_Mag

JohnXXIII

Pope John XXIII

lifecover_spellman

More Lenny Here:

http://texantales.com/category/lenny-bruce/

Thanks For Listening

And just for fun:

And as a completely different aside: I got some very good advice from a very, well not very, not even a very good friend, let us just call her ‘an acquaintance’:

She chastised me.

Why?

Because I employ too many parentheses…. “Makes me hard to read.’  She said. ‘Madman,’ She said. Truth, she spoke.

Now that!

That!

That is good advice!

Thank you, Nameless Person.

Truth # 2

I am so sick of Lance! He is Beginning To Bore Me. Je Sweee Malad et Fatigue’d, Or… Pass The Biscuits & Ammunition. I Do Grow Weary of my Endeavors to Edit This: Screw It!–Allow It To Stand Alone As Original Writ

***

Twisted Sister –

We’re Not Gonna Fake it

Anymore 

***

, BUT nEVER CAN GET FUCKIN’ LAID! & FUCKIN’ FATIG yEAH!’D=odd dam (Dat’s French! Y’all! I am so fukkin’ sick of LANCE! sOMEONE SHOOT this FUCKER! rIGHT bETEEN THE FUK-in’ EYES! IN THE FUKKIN G EYEE!

so Pissed off at that God! You know the one! THAT ONE WHO NEVER EXISTED! HE SOLD ME A BILL GOODS! hIS ASS was writing writing was writing Checks He Was Never Gonna CASh!

What as ASS! hOLE! What’s It All About?

THIS HAS TURNED INTO A RANT! DO NOT READ IT! It is Insulting, Disrespectful,

And It WILL PISS YOU OFF! wILL sEVeREallLY PISS YOU ofF! I really wante to FUCKING BELIEVE! BUT I LEAR’ND TO READ! MY HUGE FUKKIN’ MONU-MENTAL FUCK-UP!!!!! Fuk this! My mental mind is BLOWN!!! AWAY! (i may be havin’ some “issues”)—insanity ones! And I cannot spel nor typy fer caca!

i should learn how to

MEND MY FUCKIN’ SPEECH A BIT!

naw!

FUK THAT! tHAT would BORE y’all! My Largess fukking FEAR is to become “borin’ & Dict-able!— Pre-Dict- Un-able! to wRITE THE true Shit Surfaces in my FUKKING BRAIN

 

 

What’s it all about?

I am Atheist,

Capital A

Have Been

Ever Since I 

Learned To Read

This will never change.

Everyone knows this.

I am Not

Militant About it!

But Some

“Hyper Christians Keep Trying to “Save” Me!

Save Me From What?

Yes, I have Theist Friends.

I live in a State Flush With Theists!

I RESPECT THEM!

They Need to RESPECT ME!

(Is This Not What They Are Supposed to DO?)

Faith

What’s it all about?
Alfie?

I really wanna know.

cRED! here:

Catherine Mamontova

569 subscribers

happy NoW Markie??? You supercilly-ous prima-donna,

wanna-be Donna

ASSHOLE! gO Fuck yerself! Use This With My Blessing! You’re Welcome! Don’t EVEN MENTION IT!

 

i Can AdMit When I’m WroNg. evEn When I Don’t KnOw WHen I’ve BeEn wRonG

 

OH! Here is THE FUCKING LINK!

(tHAT Satisfy, sate you? Mark? Asshole)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48oLsDImC5A

BITCH!

FAKE BITCH!

HITCH PUTS IT BEST!

If You Be Not Afraid & Not Scared!

And Have a Fukkin’ Brain,

Watch THIS!

GODDAMN IT!!!

WORDPRESS!

THE TOTAL TONNAGE

OF

YOUR STUPIDITY

COULD / AND WOULD

SINK

THE

MIGHTY

FUCKING

BISMARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll get to the MOTHER-FUCKIN’ Credits LATER!

i AM IN pissed off mode RIGHT NOW

AND i HAVE

ZORO

000000

ZRRO ZORRO

NO

Fucks

Worth

Givin’ a single fuck

ABOUT!

AND Y’ALL KNOW I DO

NOT

LOVE ME

WHEN

I FIND ME

HERE!

GODDAMN YOU GOd!

DO SOMETHING!

INSTALL

UPLOAD

DOWNLOAD

A NEW

FUKCIN’

ALGORY-RHYTM!

I’M TIRED OF YOUR

SAME OLD

FUKKIN’

SONG

SO WRONG!

SO FUCKIN’

LONG

HAVE A

CHAT

WITH

YER

BRAT!

WHAT WAS

HIS

FUCKIN’ NAME A=GIN?

hEY-ZEUS?

FUCK YOU GOD

GET

OUTTA MY HEAD!

YOU ARE NOT

WELCOME

FUCKIN’

HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!