UBH: Cast of Caricatures

  1. Sal (Hispanic Marine) Gift of Gab and Excellent Sense of Humor “Sadder than a Midget with a Yo-yo.” His quote. Not mine.

  2. Lydia (Old and Gray and Grizzled Broad—but wonderful)

  3. Michael (Big dude. ‘Bout thirty stone.) We called him “Pete”—not sure why

  4. Christine (Bat – shit crazy. And obnoxious. And a bitch–but just for one day. Then she found politeness. And then fit right in with our “in-crowd.”)

  5. Jacob— Junkie—young junkie—Always wearing a Nirvana T-Shirt–nuff said.

  6. Phil—Texan—issues he had—showed up drunk Day One and checked himself in. Not sure how that works, but whatever.

  7. Nino (My ‘Roommate’) Did not like him, but he was there, so, what ever-the fuck-ever.

  8. Kelsey (my favorite ‘broken’ one’—loved her) “Take the Mary Poppins Unbrella and fly the fuck out of town.”

  9. And of course, Yannah… “T” I mean, “Ethel, the Pirate’s Daughter.” And cheater at Black Jack (and life in general)

No doxing here.

Whoops!

Too late.

This “Story” is going somewhere.

I just need to line up the cast and crew.

Stand by…

But one last quote from Sal:

“Kids are like little drunk Midgets.”

I promised him I would steal that quote.

Now I have.

Promise fulfilled.

P.S. This piece was more fun to write than it will ever be fun to read.

You realize you have a problem when you laugh at your own jokes.

“Time to seek council Son.”

“I heard you were a drunkard’s drunkard.”

“Never when I’m working!”

“Give me my sin again.”

“You kiss by-the-book.”

(I LOVE SHAKESPEARE!)

 

And yes! My mind has departed for destinations unknown

Abusive Muse–Act Three and a Half–Interlude.

I returned to my keyboard and typed:

“Dear Helen, I am so very sorry.”

Announced to Muse:

“Okay. Done.”

She came over, read what I had written.

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. Succinct. Perfection.”

She grasped me by my hand…

“Come sit down with me on the Nasty Couch for a moment.”

“Uh… Okay.”

“Lance, I am your Muse. And I will love you for all time. And Believe me: I have time. Back in that day when William S. was struggling… I hooked him up. Back When Coleridge had that Albatross about his neck, I hooked him up. Back when Sam Clemens had no pot to piss in, I hooked him up. But you! You!  YOU WEAR ME OUT!”

As we were sitting there, me gazing into her eyes, she glaring at mine…

“Boom! Boom! Boom!”

Someone was pounding at my door.

“UPS?” Muse asked.

“No” I said. “Delirium Tremens Man. Right on schedule.”

“Stay put; I’ll handle this,” she said as she thrust her tiny self against the door and screamed, “Fuck Off! This is MY TIME With Lance!”

I could barely hear the faint sound of shuffling footsteps as he skulked away.

Muse sat back down on the couch.

“Now, where were we?”

“Darling, I have no idea, but you seem to be in charge. Please don’t hurt me.”

Chap Two Found here

Abusive Lovely Muse–Chapter Two

I sat down and starting writing.

Muse was over my shoulder, massaging my hurting neck.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“My Job, Musing.”

“Knock it off! I am trying to work here.”

“Jesus! Relax.”

“Why don’t you sit down? I don’t need a spider looking over my shoulder.”

She looked a bit hurt and started to pout.

She parked her lovely self on my nasty couch. And glared at me.

I went back to my keyboard.

“Uh, Musey, What should I write?” I finally asked.

“You’re the fucking Genius; figure it out.”

“No! I do need and love you.”

“Write what is ON-YOUR-MIND.”

“My Erstwhile Girlfriend is on MY MIND.”

“Well, write that then.”

“Okay, I will. How should I begin?’

“A long apology letter might be a good start.”

“Alright; I will start with that.”

“Now we are getting somewhere.”

Chapter One Found Here: 

Humility Industrial Complex

Okay,
So I have been ‘reviewing’ my recent posts on Socialist Media.
For science.
And to take my mental pulse.
What did I discover?

With my two minutes of ‘research.’
I seem to be full of myself.
This is probably a ‘diagnose-able’ condition.
Doubtful I can get medical treatment.
And even more doubtful,
Could  get recompense from the VA even if it were.

“Humility” is just a scare word invented by The Left to keep the rest of us inline.
“Hugh-mill-ah-tee’
(That’s the Français version, Yawl)
Stolen from the movie, “Camelot” 1967

Spoken to Lancelot du Lac by Queen Guinevere.

(Just some small detail to round out the post. I am a fountain of useless knowledge.)

Moving on…

I am having too much fun!
Living (Finally! Living!) in Tejas!

Time enough to do those little things I do.
Finally!

Chapter Three of ‘Escape From Memphis’ coming…
Soon.
So, stay tuned.
Cheers,
‘Many-Feet Marcom’

So go ahead:

Whistle

You know you want to.

And of course, You Knew I Just Had To:

“You Know How to Whistle, Don’t You Steve?”
“Yeah, I’m simple.”
The ironic thing is…
I cannot whistle (Daddy could not either)
Must be one of those ‘genetic fatal flaws’–

Of which I have far too many to count.

****

Post Script:

Baby kisses Bogie
“Waddya do that for?” he asks.
“Ben wondering if I’d like it”
“What’s the verdict?”
Bacal Kisses him again, through the cigarette smoke.
“Don’t know yet. It’s even better when you help.”
And on and on…
Watch the clip.
Then you will find that ‘added value.”
Back in the early Nineties, I returned to University.
Freshly pressed and depressed and out of the Navy.
Took a class entitled:
‘Literature and Film.’
Had to write a term paper.
I chose to write on
“To Have and Have Not”
Took me about 30 minutes to write.
AT THAT LAST minute.
As I do…
The ‘Course’ was taught by the Head of the English Department at ET (now known as Texas A&M-at Commerce.)
What I did NOT know, at the time, was that the prof, was working / writing a bio of Humphrey Bogart.
Had I’d known, I would have picked a safer topic.
But I did not know.
Wrote my ‘term paper’ drunk outta my mind.
Day before it was ‘due.’
Got an A Plus
Go Figure.
PS: Wish I had retained a copy of that paper.
It really was THAT good.
But.
Alas.
No.

Dear Mister Kim

Dear Mister Kim
I’m at it again
Love you to pieces
You sack of raw feces

You think you’re King Kong
‘Cause you’ve got The Big Bomb
But remember Kong’s Fate
He fell from Emp’ State

Shot down from a ‘bye’-plane
Not even an eye strain
We shot his dumb ass
Took only one pass

And Rat-a-tat-tat
Then he went splat
In flames he did tumble

No King of the Jungle

Your last act’s the same
We’re tired of your game
So here’s our fair warning
You’ll be in mourning

For loss of your State
And we’ll think that’s great
Goodbye North Korea
And that’s panacea

Our simple solution
To speed execution
No biplane comes knocking
Yet something more shocking

Is heading your way
You will rue the day
My rhyme’s now concluded
But don’t be deluded

The ending draws nigh
So say your goodbye
Your death’s coming soon

Mister Jong Un