UBH: Cast of Caricatures

“Comphy Numb

The Dream is Gone

I Wanna Be A “For Real Writer”

  1. Sal (Hispanic Marine) Gift of Gab and Excellent Sense of Humor “Sadder than a Midget with a Yo-yo.” His quote. Not mine.

  2. Lydia (Old and Gray and Grizzled Away—but wonderful)

  3. Michael (Big dude. ‘Bout thirty stone.) We called him “Pete”—not sure why

  4. Christine (Bat – shit crazy. And obnoxious. And a bitch–but just for one day. Then she found politeness. And then fit right in with our “in-crowd.”)

  5. Jacob— Junkie—young junkie—Always wearing a Nirvana T-Shirt–nuff said.

  6. Phil—Texan—issues he had—showed up drunk Day One and checked himself in. Not sure how that works, but whatever.

  7. Nino (My ‘Roommate’) Did not like him, but he was there, so, what ever-the fuck-ever.

  8. Kelsey (my favorite ‘broken’ one’—loved her) “Take the Mary Poppins Unbrella and fly the fuck out of town.”

  9. And of course,

  10. Yannah…

  11. “T” I mean, “Ethel, the Pirate’s Daughter.” And cheater at Black Jack (and life in general)

No doxing here.

Whoops!

Too late.

This “Story” is going somewhere.

I just need to line up the cast and crew.

Stand by…

But one last quote from Sal:

“Kids are like little drunk Midgets.”

I promised him I would steal that quote.

Now I have.

Promise fulfilled.

P.S. This piece was more fun to write than it will ever be fun to read.

You realize you have a problem when you laugh at your own jokes.

“Time to seek council Son.”

“I heard you were a drunkard’s drunkard.”

“Never when I’m working!”

“Give me my sin again.”

“You kiss by-the-book.”

(Brook???)

(I LOVE SHAKESPEARE!)

And yes! My mind has departed for destinations unknown

Embedded in My Last Women List: Had to Re-Post This: That Girl From Ipanema Made Me Do It. Women! Love Them! Cannot Get Enough of Them! I’m a Slut/Sailor. What Can I Say?

She is so Beauty

So Lovely!

Astrud

*****

I’ve had too many “Ipanema Girls” in my life. Enough For Two Life-Times. In fact.

Now I grow weary.

And smartly wary.

Vid Cred: catman916

Love!

Astrud Gilberto!

Vocalist: Astrud Gilberto

(Love The Classic Beehive Hairdo, By The Way… Just sayin’.)

*****

Post This Because I love Them!

Them Women!

And Just Because I LOVE Them!

Every Shape, Size, Matter and Form!

All of them!

I love the Species!

(Street Cred for Vids: catman916)

******

“The Girl from Ipanema” (“Garota de Ipanema”) written in 1962 by Antonio Carlos Jobim with lyrics in Portuguese by Vinicius de Moraes and in English by Norman Gimbel was recorded by Astrud Gilberto, João Gilberto and Stan Getz, in March 1963 as part of the album Getz/Gilberto, released March 1964 on the Verve label.

An abbreviated single version was released reaching number one on the Pop Standard chart and was named Record of the Year in 1965.

The album won the 1965 Grammy Awards for Best Album of the Year, Best Jazz Instrumental Album – Individual or Group and Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical.

The personnel are Stan Getz – tenor saxophone, João Gilberto – guitar, vocals, Astrud Gilberto — vocals, Antonio Carlos Jobim – piano, Sebastião Neto — bass, and Milton Banana – drums.

The version presented here is the long one from the album and is, in my opinion, superior to the shortened one which received a great deal of play on the radio during the summer of 1964.

The album is available on CD on Verve. This sound recording is administered by UMG. No copyright infringement is intended.

This purpose of this upload is for viewer enjoyment and education not for monetary gain.”

–Credit for Share: catman916

***

See why I LOVE Women so much?

Cred for Vid: Wat Bradford

*****

Stan The Man!

******

Added Bonus Value: Phoebe

Vid Credit: Gary Larson

WTF Is It With You And Women Lance?–“I Love Them–Everything About Them–That’s What”

WoW!

She Amazes Me!

Yeah! Still Re-Shit-Posting!

I Love This Woman! She Enchants Me!

“Sandra! What Can I say?”

I May Have Lost My Feeble Sanity!

I May Have Lost My Feeble Mind

Vid Compile Cred: Funny Fancy

It’s a ‘Sandra Kinda Day’

I Am Way Lost in Sandra Space Today.
Okay?

*****

I Can Relate:

Never Hesitate

Too Many Daze

B4 I Wake Up

She Invades My Mind

*****

Bonus Track.

Don’t Even Ask Why.

Cred for Vid: Chadman2000

I Cannot Find My Photo of Mama-San–From Viva Young! G’Dammit! Please Love This Up-dated, Un-Varnished, Un-Polished Post. Thanks In Advance For Your Support.

I Poured My Heart Into ‘Building’ It

And if, in a weak Moment,

You Feel The Urge To Drop A Comment…

N/M

***

“Part Six of A Sailor’s Scholarly History of the South Pacific: Mary-Lou and Mama-San and Gainful Unemployment”

Sorry for my profanity:

I am a sailor after all

***

Bloody Mary

Fun Little Known Fact:

Most of the Actors in this Scene Are Gay

Hahahahah!

“What ain’t we got? We Ain’t Got Dames.”

I love this movie.

I have spent far too much of my life in the South Pacific.

Cred: Rodgers & Hammerstein

Here is how Bar Fines are designed to work in Olongapo:

  1. You pay the girl’s bar fine to the Mama San
  2. You get a receipt.
  3. You take your ‘rental’ to your room.
  4. You fuck her.
  5. Sometimes you feed her first.
  6. Thusly sated, satisfied, you cast her away.

Here is how bar fines are not designed to work:

  1. You do NOT Lose it. (Your receipt)
  2. You broke it; you bought it.
  3. You hand over your receipt to your rental so she can leave you.

Well, that is the short version.

The thing is, in Olongapo, Bar Girls walking about on Magsaysay Blvd, alone, without a bar fine receipt are considered in the eyes of the law to be ‘common’ street walkers. And subject to arrest.

And thrown under the jail.

For months.

So what was the very first thing I did with Mary-Lou Perucho?

I handed over my Bar Fine Receipt.

“Here ya go Darling. Put this in your pocket. Don’t lose it. Now shall we go to my hotel?”

“Sure.” She said nervously.

So we went to my cheap hotel. I had no intention of having sex with her. I was just lonely as I have mentioned. I just wanted to talk with her. Get to know her (not in that biblical sense—in that humane sense—I was lonely and she reminded me of an old High School sweetheart…)

I had been drinking (duh), so I excused myself after I had parked her in front of the television. I went to the head, took a piss. Came back. She was gone.

She had left me.

Guess she thought I was gonna try to fuck her.

( I had no such intentions)

But who could blame her for leaving?

I weighed in at two-hundred pounds and change.

She was, soaking wet, about ninety eight.

If I had fucked her, I might have broken her.

But apparently caution  being the better part of smart told her to bug out.

And I had given her, her pass:

The Bar Fine Receipt.

It made me sad that I had not expressed well enough my benevolent propensity.

Of course, like the asshole I was, I went back to Viva Young the next afternoon and complained to Mama San. I wanted my money back. My rental had left me.

Mama San was not amused, but in the spirit of good customer service, she fired Mary Lou.

This was NOT the outcome I desired.

So now was I not just an asshole, but a stellar asshole.

I would have to search out Mary Lou and attempt to make things right.

All I truly wanted was a pretty girl to lay down beside me and hold my hand and listen to my stories…

And keep me company.

And pretend as if she cared.

Just pretend.

I’ll pay you.

After we pulled out of Olongapo, I sent her money every month for a lot of months. When we eventually returned to Ologapo after some months I looked her up and gave her a bunch of gifts I had purchased with her in my mind in Hong Kong. She really was not impressed. Hurt my feelings.

Linda is so beautiful.

To Be Continued

Part Five Maybe? May Be Discovered Here:

I Am So Sorry–“Sorry For What? Sorry For Being An Asshole?”

No!

Sorry For All Things I’ve Done & All The Things I’ve Left Un-Done–

Words I Should’ve Said–

Words I Should Have Left Un-Said–

“Abusive Lovely Muse–Chapter Two”

Keep Your Mouth Shut!

****

Cred: John Denver–No Shit!

***

I sat down and starting writing.

Muse was over my shoulder, massaging my hurting neck.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“My Job, Musing.”

“Knock it off! I am trying to work here.”

“Jesus! Relax.”

“Why don’t you sit down? I don’t need a spider looking over my shoulder.”

She looked a bit hurt and started to pout.

She parked her lovely self on my nasty couch. And glared at me.

I went back to my keyboard.

“Uh, Musey, What should I write?” I finally asked.

“You’re the fucking Genius; figure it out.”

“No! I do need and love you.”

“Write what is ON-YOUR-MIND.”

“My Erstwhile Girlfriend is on MY MIND.”

“Well, write that then.”

“Okay, I will. How should I begin?’

“A long apology letter might be a good start. And if YOU EVER CALL ME ‘MUSEY’ Again, I Shall Castrate You”

***

“Alright; I will start with that. Musey–Then I Ran Away–Not Un-like A Scalded Rabbit.

“Now we are getting somewhere.”

Chapter One Found Here: 

Next Chapter Found Here

Forget It: I Need To Die Soon–I tried to make a ‘SHORT LIST’ of all the Women I Love, Respect, and Admire (& Desire!) Such Folly! Who Was I Kidding?! This ‘List’ Just goes on and on and on and on….

Below is just a ‘Short’ Collection of a Few of My Favorite ‘Things

My Humble Tribute to All The Girls

******

I Really Do LOVE You Stevie! You’re the Best of All the Rest.

I Adore You Stevie Nicks! (In Spite of my Recent (playful) Bashings of you)


“Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Oh! I’m getting older too”

*****

Let’s Get On With it. Shall we?

“I Regret Nothing”

—Edith

“They put in a Nickle and they want a Dollar Song.”

Beautiful, Beautiful Joni

“When the men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go…”

Sexy Grace

I tried to make a ‘short’ list of all the women whom I love and admire:

“Yeah! Good Luck With That!”

(The ‘Short’ Part)

  1. Joni
  2. Linda
  3. Barbra
  4. Catherine
  5. Sheryl
  6. Carly
  7. Cher
  8. Ex-wives (all four)
  9. Melanie
  10. Janis
  11. Mom
  12. Christine
  13. Grace
  14. Julie
  15. Madonna
  16. Lanie
  17. Edith
  18. K.D.
  19. Jill
  20. Dolly
  21. Holly
  22. Tanya (Native Texan!)
  23. Judy
  24. Liza (With a ‘Z’ “Not ‘Lisa’ With an ‘S'”)
  25. Dorothy
  26. Camila
  27. Shakira
  28. Stevie (Honorable Mention)
  29. And of Course, My “Lisa With an S” My Third Wife:

Then I ran out of virtual ink

Stray Tuned!

I shall expand!

But I’m in over my head!

Most people who write about ‘Fleetwood Mac’ Write about Stevie.

I write about Christine.

“Christine has such a rich, deep down dark chocolate voice . I love her”

–Lance Marcom, Circa 2021

(Stevie is such a condescending little bitch during this video—Watch it closely. Then you will see what I see)

Song-Bird! No Shit!

Cher! She’s All There:
The Whole Perfection Package.

Carly!

Bat-Shit Crazy & Wild Tanya.
I Love Her Like Cash Money!

Bella Madonna!

Babs!

Joni!!

Grace!

I have not the words to describe how I love this woman.

Catherine! Zeta-Jones!

Love YOU Girl! Lanie!

Linda Baby!

K.D. Yes!

Jill Clayburgh!

First time I saw The movie (Silver Streak) at the Grove Theatre, I thought Jill Clayburgh one of the Most Beautiful and Charming Women in the Entire World.
(And I still Do)

Dolly, A Natural, National Charmer Treasure:

Holly!

“Judy Judy JUDY!”

(SORRY, Cary Grant, And Rock Hudson)

********

Liza!

Dorothy: Epitome of The Perfect American Woman

Vid Creation Cred: Wat Bradford

Camila Darling!

Sexy Shakira!

*****

And This Beat Goes On…

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I ‘Construct’ My Posts to Entertain.

No other hidden desire resides within me.

If you have come this far, I hope you enjoyed this post at least half as much as I enjoyed constructing it.

‘Twas a “Labour of Love