Dirty Toilet Jokes: I Cussed My Toilet Out. Then I Felt Remorse. Apologized. I Dialed 911. When the EMT’s Arrived, They Were NOT Amused.
The Toilet Song by The Wiggles
Animation by Super Simple Songs
Of course you do.
It is when you go to flush the toilet and that handle snarls back at you, rather limp-wrist’d, as if to say,
“Not tonight Asshole. Go back to sleep.”
(Now, in some truth, I could probably improve this post. For example: I should not have referenced ‘limp wrists”. In truth, y’all know how it is when you go to flush that toilet and there just ain’t no resistance. “Limp Wrists’ was just about all I could manage at the time of publishing…. (Isn’t that funny? Like I am a fucking news paper?) Dead-lines!
Some one shoot me!
(Make it quick! Head Shot! Right thru the mouth–or better…the mouse.)
God and some foll’ers will thank you.
Foretelling ‘Foreboding’ (See? I tend to edit as as I go… My father once tole me, “Lance! Enuff! Enough! It takes an editor to be smart; that is why we make more monies.”) some deep sea-toilet trolling (trolling?) diving to fix.
Yeah…
Really?
Don’t think so.
Maybe tomorrow…
(There are three (other) toilets in this ‘Mouse-House’)
“So, fuck off.”
(My toilet did not reply)
Yes, I talk to my toilet… don’t we all?
“Take your hand off that mouse Mister! Don’t make me come over there.”
“Yessir! Please don’t shoot me; I’m just the piano-player.”
“Sounds like bullshit to me. What do you think, Jim?”
“Yeah. Bullshit. Shoot him.”
“OK.”
Bang! Bang!
“He gone.”
(Sorry, Si Robertson; some of this … this is probably out-of-context)
Then again…
Maybe not.
We will not even begin to speak about your brother.
Damnit! I miss Christopher Hitchens!
Even more embarrassing
Been There….
Did That
At least More Than Thrice
But Who’s Countin’
Right?
You know the toilet is broke dick dog.
Yet…
You still try to ‘visit.’
And it takes three tries to get into the door.
(Yet, it is a really small door–just sayin’– and not so easily navigated, drunk nor sober)
Only to be so disappointed (yet again) over the the whole toilet experience.
OK.
Fine!
Resist?
Naw!
Below, please discover Lenny’s take on toilet-training.
(and of course: entertaining, or reasonable facsimile)
“Take This Toilet And Boil It.”
(Watch/Listen Below. Otherwise it all just falls apart)
Well, there’s so many sinking now You gotta keep thinking You can make it through these waves Acid, booze, and ass Needles, guns, and grass Lots of laughs
Joni
Blue songs are like tattoos You know I’ve been to sea before Crown and anchor me Or let me sail away Hey, blue, there is a song for you Ink on a pin Underneath the skin An empty space to fill in
OK
Once
Maybe
Twice
I Have Been Scared At Sea
Ship Hits The Fan!
“The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”
Creds: Gordon Lightfoot — Artist & Zeezy — Vid Share
******
The scariest thing to me…
Was at sea.
In the Indian Ocean, late one night
(That “IO” That Ho!)
Late at Night.
And the ship was tight.
And the waves were big.
Real big.
IO, She was angry.
And I was scared.
(No! HE Was scared).
I was never scared!
I was drinking coffee… And in between, walking on the bulkheads—all you sailors out there—can relate, and compare…
Never scared, but aside from my ‘coffee mates,” I knew, did, had done… the same drill… Too many times. (Fuckin’ Black-Shoe Navy!)
And if any of y’all find any of my ‘Sea Stories” unbelievable…The preamble to any good sea story is “This is a no-shitter…”
And then there was Melville…I’ve been around the world and once saw two white whales fuck.. I did. And there were dolphins… standing by… giggling.
I have been to Australia.
Twice
And it follows, I have been to sea before:
And here, (for you purists) is the original, stolen from “Hejira”:
