While I was ‘out-processing’ in Fort Worth Texas to go to Kandahar back in 2011, I had this conversation with the DynCorp Doc. It was on a Monday morning:

Doctor asked me, “Did you attend a big drinking ‘going away party’ last night?”

“Nope” I lied. (I never need an excuse to drink me under the table)

“Well that is a shame, because your liver is inflamed. You sure you did not drink last night?”

“Yep. Quite sure,” I lied again.

“Well, you also have enlarged red blood cells. Do you realize what this means?”

“Yessir, I do. It means my red blood cells are capable of carrying more O2, and therefore, this is a good thing.”

*heavy sigh* from the doc. “That means they stick to each other. A bad thing.”

“Yeah, we all stick together… So doc, just sign the papers, ummm kay?”

“But… your BP… is off the chart. One-eighty over one-thirty-five”

“Ya, ain’t that cool? I have always been an over-achiever. High numbers fascinate me. Now please sign me off so I can go to the bar before going to Afghanistan to get shot at.”

True story. There are many more…

I don’t think that doc liked me. But he did sign ze papers like a good little DynCorp sycophant.

Eighteen hours later:

Wheels Down at KAF

And Lance a Happy Camper.

And this, of course… that last is a Bold-Faced LIE

(Just call it ‘Creative License.’)

TRUTH:

I had to ‘cool’ my heels in Dubai for almost ten days before I made it to Afghanistan.

I amused me by renting Russian Prostitutes.

(Putting a few of them through college in the process)

This is a TRUE story.

I do NOT  write FICTION.

(Not smart enuff)