End of the World as we Know it,

But I feel Fine

R.E.M.

Take Yer Time

Lose Your Last Dime

In 50 Years,

No-Body Gonna Give A Fuck

And Lenny Bruce was Never Afraid of anything,

Nor of anyone!

*****

In the late Nineties my small Texas university town was ‘blessed’ with a brand new Super Wal*Mart. I don’t really like Wal*Mart, but the grand opening was kinda a…

“Big Hairy Deal”

(not a lot of opportunity for excitement in my little town)

GRAND OPENING! ALL WELCOME!

(Except Vegetarians)

Anyway, I just had to go.

Back then I was a vegetarian and was interested to see if Wal*Mart had decent produce and perhaps at a bit cheaper than the only other grocery store in town, a Brookshire’s.

(I was loyal to Brookshire’s and even had one of those ‘Cards’ to prove it, but I was a paycheck-to-paycheck’ kind of dude you see. So there was that.)

Besides, I was always a bit of a slut anyhow.

Turns out they did have decent produce and cheaper too, so I filled my buggy with quite a few fresh fruits and vegetables.

I was very excited.

Got to the checkout and the surly cashier:

I knew instantly she was ‘surly’ when she took a look at my cart and grimaced. She picked up a zucchini and pointed it at me just as I imagine she would a .45 cal. pistol.

 “What is This?” she demanded.

“Zucchini,” I said, trying to be polite about it.

There were no little stickers on the veggies in those days. The cashiers had a rolodex type thing with photos to help them identify ‘foreign fruits and vegetables’.

She picked up a… wait for it… turnip. “And what’s this?”

“Turnip.”

Turnip-Truck: Just Fell Off

I grew nervous when she grabbed a bunch of kale.

“Lettuce?”

“Nope. Sorry. ‘Kale’,” I replied almost apologetically.

At this point I could literally see the frustration (and anger) building.

 “Well look Sir, you know I ain’t from around here. I’m from Oklah-homa and I don’t know Yawl’s local vegetables,” she informed me rather pointedly.

She hefted a cantaloupe, “And this?”

“Oh, that’s an egg.” I said.

She almost yelled, “This ain’t no egg! It’s too big.”

“It’s a dinosaur egg.”

I don’t think she was amused.

She dropped ‘the egg’ back into my cart with a loud ‘thunk’, picked up the receiver on her phone, pushed a button and blasted throughout the store,

“Manager to Checkout Six! Manager to Checkout Six!”

It was all I could do to keep from falling down on the floor laughing my ass off. I thought about running away, but then I would miss all the fun, so I just waited for ‘Management’ to appear.

***

Didn’t take long.

Mister Manager-Man arrived, took one look at MS Cashier and quickly assessed the situation.

“Uh, Mendy, why don’t you go ahead and take your break now. I’ll take over here until you get back.”

Mendy snorted and huffed as she exited stage left.

For the sake of the remaining Walmart Patrons, I hoped Mendy would manage to Mend her attitude a bit while sucking down Dr. Pepper and Hot-Boxing Marlboros during her break.

“Sorry Sir. She’s still in training.”

I’m guessing this weren’t Manager-Man’s first rodeo, vis-à-vis MS Mendy.

He quickly and efficiently rang up the rest of my purchases, took my money and said,

“Thank you for shopping at Your Walmart Super Center.”

“No offense Sir, but not sure if I’m ready to claim ownership just yet. Let me get back to you on that.”

He laughed.

I laughed.

We shared a laugh.

And I pronounced my ‘Walmart Experience’ a pleasantly entertaining one.

And left with all my ‘exotic foreign’ produce items.

Mission Accomplished.

***

True Story.

Gotta love Wal*Mart. (and Oklahoma)

Just Kidding All My Okie Neighbors!

(But Y’all know how it is between Texas an’ Oklahoma!)

***

It has come to my attention that there may be some among you who doubt the veracity of my prose.

In the spirit of full-disclosure I am introducing a New Feature to Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics:

Ladies and Gentlemen

I proudly present to you

“The TT&H Veracity Breakdown Report O’ Meter”

In the form of an Easy-as-Pie-To-Understand…

Pie Chart

TT&H All Rights Reserved

***  

Just when Y’all thought there was hope for my sanity…

Sorry.

The Devil Went Down To Walmart…

 (Explicitly Hilarious)

Street Cred for Vid:  Nomadic Fanatic

***

Comments from original post below.

Some are pricelessly funny.

23 THOUGHTS ON “WAL*MART: THE END OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION (AND VEGETARIANS)”

LAMarcom June 28, 2014 at 17:32 Edit

‘pomegranate’ Hahahah

Didn’t some Greek chick get in trouble waaaay back in the day for eating pomegranate seeds?

I wasn’t actually there, but I didn’t miss it by much. (Yeah, I am THAT old!)

Hahahah

Thanks again for your visits and your great comments here at TT&H

😉

LVital7019 June 28, 2014 at 12:11 Edit

Like it’s YOUR fault she can’t recognize UNIVERSALLY COMMON produce like a zucchini or a friggin turnip! God forbid you handed her a pomegranate… Her eyes might have rolled back into her skull.

lauramacky June 27, 2014 at 00:50 Edit

Lol

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:45 Edit

😉

rachelcarrera June 26, 2014 at 23:39 Edit

LOL! Exactly! 😀

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:26 Edit

If you catch me in a Wal*Mart, just know that the Cold War is back on.

All I’m sayin’

Hahahaha

rachelcarrera June 26, 2014 at 23:25 Edit

LOL! Don’t you just love when you smile out loud? 🙂 Yeah, Walmart definitely attracts a certain caliber of clientele. At least here in Florida. I try to stick to the grocery store and Target and only use Walmart for emergencies after the regular stores are closed. 🙂

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:25 Edit

Yeah, I went from Walmart to Iraq.

Iraq was bettah…

😉

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 23:17 Edit

I wanna write a book about some of my Wal*Mart experiences.

Laughin’ out loud!

Thanks for your visit and your comments.

Made me laugh and smile too. (out loud)

Cheers,

Lance

rachelcarrera June 26, 2014 at 23:14 Edit

LOL! That’s funny! I don’t know a lot of veggies either because I’m allergic to so many, so I don’t eat a lot of variety…However, I DO know enough to know to apologize and explain that and not just make the excuse that it’s local to your state! That’s really sad! LOL! (AND no I won’t ever eat ANY produce from Walmart either!)

lauramacky June 26, 2014 at 18:08 Edit

You’re welcome Lance. Glad you’ve moved on from Wally World, lol.

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 17:03 Edit

Don’t you just hate it when the best comeback lines come to you too late? I know I do. Yeah, your response would have been priceless.

Hahahah

Thanks Sandra!

Sandra June 26, 2014 at 17:01 Edit

Awesome! My 1st job was at McDonalds where a customer actually asked me what was in a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit. Wish I had said, “lobster, of course.” Some people. I tell ya!

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:53 Edit

Looking for white carrots. Too fuckin’ funny!

Thanks for the laugh My Friend.

Cheers,

-Lance

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:52 Edit

The whole ‘Wal-Mart Experience’ always cracks me up.

Thanks Sharon for your comments and for the read.

🙂

-Lance

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:51 Edit

It really was a bizarre (and true) experience. I had to laugh (to myself).

Thanks Sadie!

🙂

LAMarcom June 26, 2014 at 16:49 Edit

I actually had a part-time job at that very same Wal-Mart a few years after it had opened. I HATED it. I was just helping out during the run up to Christmas assembling bicycles. Wal-Mart’s are weird places to work, let me tell ya.

Thanks for the read and the comments Laura.

Cheers,

Lance

lauramacky June 26, 2014 at 11:02 Edit

I cannot STAND Wally World! That’s what I call it. Forutnately there is not one for MILES from where I live lol. I refuse to step inside. My husband occasionally goes there….I let him have his fun. I’ll go to Whole Foods instead. haha

~ Sadie ~ June 26, 2014 at 09:49 Edit

CTFU here!!!! 😉 Seriously, didn’t know what a cantaloupe was . . . especially from that part of the country . . . great post, Lance!!!

sharoncummings June 26, 2014 at 07:25 Edit

That is hilarious! I was a vegetarian for 5 years myself….vegan for 2 and even a raw foodist! I only made it 6 months on the raw…LOL I have been eating meat again for the past 12 years, but I still eat a ton of veggies and I totally get this…it still happens. Who doesn’t know what a zucchini is? ha ha

happierheathen June 26, 2014 at 02:29 Edit

We get something like that here when the local grocer has things the checkers don’t know. The first time around it was a parsnip and the checker got frustrated because there were no “white carrots” in her handy dandy list. The woman was just about 60 years old and a native in these here agricultural parts, too.

Just so it’s said: Fuck Wal-Mart! 😀

LAMarcom June 25, 2014 at 23:09 Edit

Annie,

If I had thrown a Big Mac, Large Fries, a Whopper, and some Jim Jims out there, she would have done just fine. My bad.

Hahahah

Thanks for reading.

Lancer

Mad Annie, Bronwyn, Ann June 25, 2014 at 23:04 Edit

I HAVE been known to laugh at teen trainees when they didn’t know common fruits or veg. Told them they needed to start eating healthier.