Pygmalion-Like, I Created Her & Then I Promptly Fell Madly In Love With Her. Go Figure.

And it has occurred at me: I never ‘gave’ her a Proper Name.

I am gonna go with ‘Katherine.’

Works for me (And Hopefully, Her)

I was at my computer, banging out my latest travesty of prose.

As Was instructed/demanded by MS Muse.

Finished it and hit The ‘Publish’ Button.

(I NEVER allow Anyone, not even MS Muse, to proof-read nor comment or my so-called ‘work’ before I cast it out into the endless sea that is the Internet.)

Muse will certainly be the first to read it and then as she is reading it, I’ll stand by for heavy rolls and unhappy critique.

But this post is not about that.

I leaned back in my chair, cracked open another beer, and glanced over my shoulder at MS Muse.

She had not yet gotten the “Moron-Writer-Just-Posted Alert.”

She was preoccupied with working her NYT Crossword

(Using an INK PEN! Vice a PENCIL like all the rest of us Mortals. Who has confidence enough to do that? She does.)

As I was staring at her, she apparently became aware.

She put down her New York Times, stared right back at me and said,

“Now what?”

I cleared my throat, mustered all the courage and moxie I had remaining, and said,

“Will You Marry Me?”

It didn’t exactly go like this, but this here/below, is

MY FANTASY.

I can concoct it as however it serves my wont.

Or ‘want.’

Call it ‘Creative License.’

If you must.

To be continued…

P.S., I am in love with Carly Simon & Emma Thompson

(As if Regular Readers Did Not Already Know This)

She(S) was / is a bit of a slut,

But ain’t we all?

(I warmly embrace my ‘slutiness.’ It defines me)

Carly’s Slutiness Makes Me Love Her Even That Much More!

She is for reals!

******

Sorry Carly!

I should not have called you a slut–I live in a Glass House—

Casting Stones is Not Wise on My Part.

Yes! I Am For Real!

Thank You Steven For “Forcing” Me To Re-Post This One.

Rejoice Dear Hearts!

Ain’t Nothin’ But Good Times Ahead!

The Good Old Days Are

RIGHT NOW

MEOW!

Well, Come November Mid-Terms Anyhow

That’s ‘Right’ Kiddoes:

Lance is Driftin’ Slightly To Starboard

Meet me in September, Errr.

I Mean November!

Please Check Back Early & Often.

I Have Some Kind of Sneaky Suspicion

This Post Remains a WIP

Stay Tuned!

***

Bill Wurtz

Genius Man!

“Sing Me A Strong Song And I Won’t Give UP”

“Rejoice Children of Splendor”

–Brother Dave Gardner

May Require A ‘Trigger Warning’

Jes Sayin’

I’ll Leave It To Y’all To Figure Out Why

I don’t want no fat liver

Cred Fer Share: –mauricemorning

Brother Dave Gardner

“Red River Valley”

Cred for Share: Perry Amberson

***

And Don’t Forget Y’all:

ALWAYS Try A Little Kindness

First…

If That Don’t Work, You Are Obviously Dealin’ With An Asshole.

So Go Ahead:

Feel Free to Stomp The Ever-Lovin’ Shit Outta Him.

Yes!
You Will Have My Blessing

I Ain’t no Saint,

But I Will Never Turn My Back On My Fellow Man
(Or WoMan)

I have given more money than I could spare…

To the Homeless.

No Brag, Just fact.

No one was there to take A Photo

Documentaire.

I Just did it.

Because I am a Good, Caring, Loving, Decent Man

And I Understand the Plight

(There but for the Grace of God Go I)

Of Those Who Have Taken On Hard Times

With All Their Might

Just Think About It For A Moment

There are so many reasons today to rejoice.

We are living in wonderful, so alive, so vibrant times.

Enjoy!

Ponder this: you can communicate with anyone in the world at any time with just a mouse click or a keyboard strike.

Could anyone have imagined this just a decade or so ago?

The opportunities we have today!

It blows my mind (what little is left of it).

But there is enough of it left to fully appreciate how fortunate we are.

As Carly once sang:

“These are the Good Old Days.”

And we are living them. Right Now

Trust me on this one folks.

Appreciate what we have here.

Do not squander these opportunities to be ‘social.’

This is what it means to be ‘human.’ To be social. It is genetic, hard-wired into our psyche. It is what makes us, Us.

If it weren’t, we would never have evolved into what we are.

And hence, we would not be here today to watch cute cat videos.

(And ever’ once in a while, have some meaningful conversation on the Inter-Webs)

Be Kind: Rewind. And recall the bad old dark days and appreciate what we have now:

This age of COMMUNICATION.

Moody Blues:

“Lovely to See You Again,

My Friend”

Think about what we have going on here.

So, do not waste any opportunity to reach out if something is important and moves you.

But save the cute cat videos for later: we have seen them all—just kidding.

If You’re Happy And You Know It…

Cred: Super Simple Songs – Kids Songs

***

End of rant

Thank You.

Drive Through.

–Lance

Carly!

Just Chillin’

“These ARE The GOOD Old Days”

 

Added Value Below

Just Because I am Crushed by A Crush

“In Your Dreams Lance”

In My Dreams

Artist: Lanie Gardner

Vid Cred: Thrifty Mint

Positive Vibes!

Uncle Bob

“Live if ya Wanna Live!”

Stay Positive Y’all!

I have Been in-Love With Elizabeth Montgomery ,

Since…. Since ….

Since Forever!

Have I Ever Re-Posted This? Screw It! “Ooops I did it Again!” (Sorry Britney) I tried to make a ‘SHORT LIST’ of all the Women I Love, Respect, and Admire (& Desire!) Such Folly! Who TF Was I Kidding?! I’m Just a Simple Sailor

Below is just a ‘Short’ Collection of a Few of My Favorite ‘Things

My Humble Tribute to All The Girls

******

I Really Do LOVE You Stevie! You’re the Best of All the Rest.

I Adore You Stevie Nicks! (In Spite of my Recent (playful) Bashings of you)


“Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Oh! I’m getting older too”

*****

Let’s Get On With it. Shall we?

“I Regret Nothing”

—Edith

“They put in a Nickle and they want a Dollar Song.”

Mel!

Beautiful, Beautiful Joni

“When the men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go…”

Sexy Grace

I tried to make a ‘short’ list of all the women whom I love and admire:

“Yeah! Good Luck With That!”

(The ‘Short’ Part)

  1. Joni
  2. Linda
  3. Barbra
  4. Sheryl
  5. Carly
  6. Cher
  7. Ex-wives (all four)
  8. Melanie
  9. Janis
  10. Mom
  11. Christine
  12. Grace
  13. Julie
  14. Madonna
  15. Lanie
  16. Edith
  17. K.D.
  18. Jill
  19. Dolly
  20. Holly
  21. Tanya (Native Texan!)
  22. Judy
  23. Liza (With a ‘Z’ “Not ‘Lisa’ With an ‘S'”)
  24. Dorothy
  25. Camila
  26. Shakira
  27. Stevie (Honorable Mention)
  28. And of Course, My “Lisa With an S” My Third Wife:

Then I ran out of virtual ink

Stray Tuned!

I shall expand!

But I’m in over my head!

Most people who write about ‘Fleetwood Mac’ Write about Stevie.

I write about Christine.

“Christine has such a rich, deep down dark chocolate voice . I love her”

–Lance Marcom, Circa 2021

(Stevie is such a condescending little bitch during this video—Watch it closely. Then you will see what I see)

Song-Bird! No Shit!

Cher! She’s All There:
The Whole Perfection Package.

Carly!

Bat-Shit Crazy & Wild Tanya.
I Love Her Like Cash Money!

Bella Madonna!

Babs!

Joni!!

Grace!

I have not the words to describe how I love this woman.

Love YOU Girl! Lanie!

Linda Baby!

K.D. Yes!

Jill Clayburgh!

First time I saw The movie (Silver Streak) at the Grove Theatre, I thought Jill Clayburgh one of the Most Beautiful and Charming Women in the Entire World.
(And I still Do)

Dolly, A Natural, National Charmer Treasure:

Holly!

“Judy Judy JUDY!”

(SORRY, Cary Grant, And Rock Hudson)

********

Liza!

Dorothy: Epitome of The Perfect American Woman

Vid Creation Cred: Wat Bradford

Camila Darling!

Sexy Shakira!

*****

And This Beat Goes On…

********

I ‘Construct’ My Posts to Entertain.

No other hidden desire resides within me.

If you have come this far, I hope you enjoyed this post at least half as much as I enjoyed constructing it.

‘Twas a “Labour of Love

Yes! I Am Back On My ‘Spider Kick’ “Spiders, Spiders Everywhere and all the Girls Did Shriek! Spiders, Spiders Everywhere, Even in the Sink!”

Jim Stafford & Dolly Parton Sing

Spiders & Snakes:

*****

What I had no way of knowing at the time:

Sadie would come to define my relationships with women.

For

Ever

Her.

More

Or

Less

 

A New Take On An Old Story

While suffering my enforced exile in California I could often be found searching for jumping spiders. One day I captured a particularly stunning one with black and white markings, dark black-green eyes and luminescent aquamarine fangs behind the feathery appendages which covered them.

Absolutely Beautiful Spider!

I gently herded her into a mason jar which contained several wood chips of varying shapes and sizes. Jumping spiders do not build webs; they live in caves made by little boys employing wood chips. (This is what my spidery experience had taught me through the years.)

Once I had done my time we moved back to Texas, but not before I was forced to abandon my Most Beautiful Spider, along with all the others I had collected, my mother announcing quite emphatically,

“I am NOT riding in a car all-the-way-home-to-Texas seated next to five jars full of damn spiders!”

Once back in Texas, for several weeks I suffered from PTSL: Post Traumatic Spider Loss. I missed my spiders, especially the beautiful one I had named ‘Sadie’.

Not that Texas has a spider shortage, mind you; I just did not immediately know where to look: “Looking for Spiders in all the wrong places.”

One day, lo’ and behold, I found a jumping spider which looked so very much familiar to me, (or perhaps she found me)

“Sadie! Sadie! Did you follow me all the way from California?” I asked breathlessly.

“Of course,” she said. “Why wouldn’t I?”

I happily gathered her up and placed her into my newest mason jar, assuming she still wanted to be my pet.

About a month later, I proudly announced to my Grandparents:

“My spider is gonna have babies.”

“Lance Son,” my Grandmother informed me rather condescendingly, “There is no daddy spider in there. Your spider cannot possibly have baby spiders.”

Not ill-mannered enough to say it, I thought it: “Of course she can have baby spiders ‘without a ‘daddy.’ Spiders are like guppies: they store sperm until the time is ‘just right.’ But how could this old Tennessee-Baptist-Dyed-In-The-Wool-God-is-Great woman even wrap her mind around such things Darwin?”

Absolutely Incomprehensible To Her.

About two weeks later, I was up to my ass in baby spiders. I did not show grandmother these offspring. She would have told me it was yet one more miraculous example of God’s Work:

“The Immaculate Spider Conception.”

All the baby spiders slowly disappeared over time, crawling through the ice-pick holes in the lid of the Mason Jar two-by-two, or however. Fine. Neither Sadie nor I were interested in raising a passel of little spider crumb snatchers.

My Lady Spider was a huntress and she complained daily regarding my neglect of her need. She ached for something more than the flies I would daily cast into her mason jar. They were just food. No thrills to be had in the hunt, merely a harvest. She was growing morose.

“You’re killing my Spider Soul with all these damn flies Lance,” she said.

“OK Sadie! I will give you something to satiate your arachnid need,” I told her one morning.

Under the eaves of my Grandfather’s shed lived a few Black Widow Spiders. They had established some manner of ‘Black Widow Sisterhood,’ (Not unlike similar ‘Sisterhoods’ to be found on Social Media these days.) Even though I am most definitely a spider geek, Black Widows never intrigued me as potential pets, mainly because they needed more than a Mason Jar Ecosystem for lodging and accoutrements and also because of their lethargic laisser-faire approach to acquiring sustenance:

“Sit in their parlor-web all day; wait for something hapless to happen by.”

No hunt in them whatsoever.
Boring.

Slightly peeved with Sadie, I decided to capture one of The Sisters. I took her to Sadie’s Mason jar and dropped her in.

“Happy now damn you?” I said.

Sadie looked about at her new roommate. Then looked up at me through multiple dark green eyes and said,

“I never thought we would come to this.”

“Sorry, ol’ Gal,” I giggled. “This is the part where the cowboy rides away. Catch ya laters. Good luck.”

I was curious and in fact, had nothing but time on my hands so I watched to see how she would deal with her new jar-mate, never really fearful for her safety.

But Black Widow was wily. She taunted Sadie, waving her long, spindly legs about in semaphore fashion, as if to say, “Come hither Little Jumper, let me demonstrate the technique that has given my kind our terrible dark name.”

Sadie began deliberately circling around Black Widow, sizing her up, her little Sadie neurons firing on and off, then seizing what I’m certain she perceived as perfect opportunity, jumped at her full force.

And missed!

Her momentum caused her to tumble onto her back.

Black Widow capitalized and deftly captured Sadie and began wrapping her in web, presumably to eat at her leisure. 
But Black Widow made one fatal mistake:

She bound Sadie’s hind legs (all four of them) first, leaving her front legs (all four of THEM) free. As Black Widow was casually wrapping her up, Sadie grabbed her with unencumbered front legs and planted a big wet French Kiss into Black Widow’s thorax. They remained locked in this embrace for thirty minutes. (I know; I was there, timing it–for ‘science’)

Black Widow now hoisted with her own petard and quite dead, was dropped by Sadie, who watched her tumble down and land with an inaudible (to me) thud on the Mason Jar floor.

“Sadie,” I said. “Your indentured servitude has ended. Here, allow me help you out of that.”

Fishing some tweezers that I had stolen from my Grandmother’s “Lady-Bag” bag from my jean’s pocket I gently and meticulously pulled all the Black Widow silk from Sadie, a tedious time consuming effort which took at least half an hour. Then I gingerly laid the Mason Jar on its side hiding it in a pile of kindling away from the prying eyes of opportunistic birds and went on about my business.

Returning the next day, I discovered no Sadie: just a note written in Spider’ease which read:

“Dear Lance,”

“Thank you for allowing me to save myself. 
I will always love you, but I’ve had quite enough of Texas and Texan ways. If you ever make it back to California, look me up. Here is my email addy: (Redacted)
Spider On! Y’all!”

And that was how she ended it.

Took me three days to get the webs out of my brain and a week to find another spider, but she was not the same. She was not MY Sadie, just an inadequately inept substitute, but I suppose that’s how it goes with First Loves lost.

“I miss you Sadie,” I caught myself saying aloud to no one in particular few days later.

 

Just couldn’t resist:

Street Vid Cred: Andrew Struthers

Added author’s note 2021:

“I love you Carly.”

Something About Carly. I Adore Her! I Adore Her! I Adore Her!!! I Fukken Absolute–Lee Fukken ADORE Her! Did I Make Myself Absolutely Crystal Clear Here? Dear?

Probably the no bra.

JUST KIDDING!

OKAY.

I lied.

It was the no bra look.

Honestly, I think it was the hat.

OK. I just lied again.

It was most def, the bra-less-ness.

There! I fess’d up.

We good now?

 

 

There is just something about a poor little rich girl, with her hair blowin’ in the breeze at Martha’s Vineyard…

(And Yes, For all you Film Buffs Out There, the Not-So-Subtle Connection Between Martha’s Vineyard and Amity Island of ‘Jaws’ Fame, did Not Escape me.)

Something that says to me: Nineteen Seventies.

I do love it (and her)

She really did  not know no better…

After all: These are the “Good Old Days” ain’t they?

“Carly, You are a delight. You have Enriched my Life for so many years.

Thank you.”

Oh, and you too, JT.

You Lucky Bastard!

“Do the Walls Come Down When You Think of me?”

Yes!

Carly, Oh Yes!

And James Taylor,

Go Get Wrecked!

Carly! Marry Me! I Won’t Let you Down, Like That Ass-hole James Taylor Did!

Fuck You Sweet Baby James Taylor!

This vid ain’t Even about you…

It is all about Carly!



Cred fo vid: Who Gives a Flyin’ Fuck?

Just one more British Azz-Hole!

CARLY! WHY’D YOU HAVE TO BE SO GOOD AND CAPTURE MY HEART?

Carly, You Don’t have To Prove to Me You’re Beautiful To Strangers;

I’ve Got Lovin’ Eyes Of My Own.

2021 Addendum:

If MS Muse, AKA ‘Katherine,’ Reads This,

I am in BIG Trouble

And Will, Most Likely, Be The Recipient Of Some Unhappy Words.

“Yes Carly. I want to marry you.”

U Little Jew Bitch!

Carly in case you didn’t know… know….In Case Yu Didn’t Know…

Her father was from a German-Jewish family, while her maternal grandfather Friedrich was of German descent; her maternal grandmother, Ofelia Oliete, known as “Chibie”, was a Catholic originally from Cuba, and was of Pardo heritage, a freed-slave descendant.

–Lance

Yes! I Have been to Jerusalem!

Many Times!

So What??

Have I Ever Re-Posted This? Screw It! “Ooops I did it Again!” (Sorry Britney) I tried to make a ‘SHORT LIST’ of all the Women I Love, Respect, and Admire (& Desire!) Such Folly! Who TF Was I Kidding?! I’m Just a Simple Sailor

Below is just a ‘Short’ Collection of a Few of My Favorite ‘Things

My Humble Tribute to All The Girls

******

I Really Do LOVE You Stevie! You’re the Best of All the Rest.

I Adore You Stevie Nicks! (In Spite of my Recent (playful) Bashings of you)


“Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Oh! I’m getting older too”

*****

Let’s Get On With it. Shall we?

“I Regret Nothing”

—Edith

“They put in a Nickle and they want a Dollar Song.”

Mel!

Beautiful, Beautiful Joni

“When the men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go…”

Sexy Grace

I tried to make a ‘short’ list of all the women whom I love and admire:

“Yeah! Good Luck With That!”

(The ‘Short’ Part)

  1. Joni
  2. Linda
  3. Barbra
  4. Sheryl
  5. Carly
  6. Cher
  7. Ex-wives (all four)
  8. Melanie
  9. Janis
  10. Mom
  11. Christine
  12. Grace
  13. Julie
  14. Madonna
  15. Lanie
  16. Edith
  17. K.D.
  18. Jill
  19. Dolly
  20. Holly
  21. Tanya (Native Texan!)
  22. Judy
  23. Liza (With a ‘Z’ “Not ‘Lisa’ With an ‘S'”)
  24. Dorothy
  25. Camila
  26. Shakira
  27. Stevie (Honorable Mention)
  28. And of Course, My “Lisa With an S” My Third Wife:

Then I ran out of virtual ink

Stray Tuned!

I shall expand!

But I’m in over my head!

Most people who write about ‘Fleetwood Mac’ Write about Stevie.

I write about Christine.

“Christine has such a rich, deep down dark chocolate voice . I love her”

–Lance Marcom, Circa 2021

(Stevie is such a condescending little bitch during this video—Watch it closely. Then you will see what I see)

Song-Bird! No Shit!

Cher! She’s All There:
The Whole Perfection Package.

Carly!

Bat-Shit Crazy & Wild Tanya.
I Love Her Like Cash Money!

Bella Madonna!

Babs!

Joni!!

Grace!

I have not the words to describe how I love this woman.

Love YOU Girl! Lanie!

Linda Baby!

K.D. Yes!

Jill Clayburgh!

First time I saw The movie (Silver Streak) at the Grove Theatre, I thought Jill Clayburgh one of the Most Beautiful and Charming Women in the Entire World.
(And I still Do)

Dolly, A Natural, National Charmer Treasure:

Holly!

“Judy Judy JUDY!”

(SORRY, Cary Grant, And Rock Hudson)

********

Liza!

Dorothy: Epitome of The Perfect American Woman

Vid Creation Cred: Wat Bradford

Camila Darling!

Sexy Shakira!

*****

And This Beat Goes On…

********

I ‘Construct’ My Posts to Entertain.

No other hidden desire resides within me.

If you have come this far, I hope you enjoyed this post at least half as much as I enjoyed constructing it.

‘Twas a “Labour of Love